Happy Birthday, Friend

So, I made a new friend this year, I think...

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is my friend and who I just wish was my friend...

But anyway, Happy 48th Birthday, Friend.

I was reading a little about Mat 22nd Geminis and this friend sorta fit the bill:

Geminis born May 22 have great charisma and the ability to draw attention to themselves. They may be lofty and intellectual one day, earthy and intense another. They have a spiritual side they seldom reveal to others. For this reason they usually keep personal beliefs to themselves. What do you believe in, anyway?



May 22 individuals are generally seen as leaders by others, though they may not see themselves in this role. Members of their inner circle are very much in awe of them. Love can be a complicated thing for them. No, really?

They may be unwilling to see the problems and failings of a beloved individual. Ok, this is not you - you seem to see where I fail better than I do.

May 22 natives believe in the traditional family values. This is especially true if they weren't involved in a close family unit as children. They take an active interest in the lives of their children. They are strict disciplinarians, yet fair. They are likely to impress upon their youngsters the importance of honesty and integrity. Ummmm...ok...:)

These folks are naturally healthy and work very hard to keep themselves in top physical condition. They like plain food, cooked simply. They require a lot of protein in their diet, and water should be their beverage of choice. Ok, unless Jim Beam is the new water...

The written and spoken word has great meaning for May 22 natives. Though intelligent, they don't flaunt their knowledge. They are also generous to their friends and family. I really do want to be your friend:)

Things May 22nd Geminis should embrace: A healing spirit, perfection, balance. Ok, my lack of balance, especially after a few shots, could be a good reason for you to avoid my friendship...

Things May 22nd Geminis should avoid: Being quarrelsome, self-interest, obsession. Geez - just what I needed...to give you a few more reasons...

Just Ignore this post and have a happy birthday without me...I do hope the next 12 months are better for you than the last...

Honestly...

So I just got home a little bit ago...it has been a long day.

I went into work a little later than usual - since I have been working later I might as well start later...hopefully I will not shift my schedule so much that I am on LDBoy's schedule...but I digress...

Anyway, I worked til about 6:15, then stopped by my Dad's and wished him a happy birthday. He started telling me about the good old days and then started telling me again...I am getting a lil worried about him...but he still knows who I am and how many kids I have and some other details I wish he would forget...

Then I stopped at Wal-Mart to return the vacuum that didn't suck the way it should (per a previous post) and picked up a few flowers for my deck and flower bed area. Totally unlike me - not sure what I was thinking...I hope the domestication shit lasts until I get them planted...

I started sweating profusely while carrying the flowers to the deck...I honestly could not tell if I was over doing it (I am outta shape) or having another mid-life hot flash. Either way, I should have lost a few pounds...

So now it is time to sit down, relax, and have a nice cold Molson...

Answer honestly...
Would you prefer....
To be an Old West Outlaw
- or -
A1920s mobster?

Duh...neither...but who would I want to date given the choice...

I am definitely an old west outlaw type of girl...a cowboy hat and boots and jeans and a little dirt Clint Eastwood kind of outlaw...oh yeah...gets me all hot and bothered thinking about him...

None of that suit and tie shit 1920s mob guy for me...

Honestly...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad’s birthday…
Which got me to thinking…I know an awful lot of people with birthdays around this time of year…

Several friends… May 18^th, 22^nd, 30^th, June 2^nd…

My Dad today…

My brother on the 23^rd…

My late grandpa on the 24^th…

My Mom on June 1^st…


Hmmm…brings to mind one of my favorite Neil Diamond tunes…Hot August Night

I am good luck:)

So once again I am a winner...well, G-Man was the real winner.

Monday night, his Dad and I escorted him to a local radio station's awards dinner for earning Player of the Game in Week 8 of last fall's regular football season.

It was an enjoyable evening. The award presenter is well-known in the area for promoting local athletes and has been a friend of G-Man's since 5th grade basketball....

G-Man and 45 other area football/basketball players got (yet another) plaque and some attention from local coaches and parents.

G-Man's dinner was complimentary. Dad and I paid $12 each. Dinner included a door prize raffle ticket...

Of the three of us, whose number was pulled first? ...yeah, that's right....#196 belonging to Phillipia. Not only was my prize first of the three of us - it was one of the first 5 of the night to be pulled...

So come on up and get a prize from the table...

I'll take that blue tooth headset there worth almost $2o - that will pay for my dinner and make G-Man pretty happy with me too:)

...because by the time his Dad's number and his got pulled there was not much left to choose from; but dad did walk away with a Notre Dame College (as opposed to university of) T-shirt and a rather nice, warm winter shirt (made in Russia warm) with a certificate for free embroidery.

Yes, the made in Russia shirt was valued at much more than the Blue Tooth headset, but value is in the eye of the beholder - and G-man was not eyeing that shirt. Phillipia wins the heroine to her favorite youngest child award.

That is favorite youngest as opposed to favorite and youngest; just needed to clear that up in the event that LDBoy or CareBear happened upon this post...

Misbehavin?

Last night I was trying to renew a couple of library books online (since I have been reading more blogs than books lately). Twice I tried to open the library home page and this is what I got in return:

CGI Error
The specified CGI application misbehaved by not returning a complete set of HTTP headers.

Shame on you CGI application - start returning headers....completely...in sets - whatever the hell that means.

Now my books are overdue and I cannot renew them online because the CGI was misbehavin'...guess I will just have to renew Humor Bloggers for Idiots in person. Damn.

The pressure's on...

Got to be funny...or I will get kicked out of the first club to let me in since 5th grade....

Please don't make me leave HBDC...I will be funny. I promise.

Just not right now, 'cuz I seem to have funny block.

Sometimes when life sucks, it is hard to be funny.

Does funny-looking count???? ...'cuz that I am!

Hey quit eating my hat - that's all I got.

One more all-nighter...

Friday night was busy...

Let's back up a little....Thursday night, I was browsing and came across Mental Poo which kept me entertained for most of the night and into the wee hours of the morning. So much so that by the time I finally quit reading/lol I had less than two hours before it was time to get up and get ready for the office. Needless to say, G-man did not get the courtesy of Mom's breakfast Friday morning and went to school hungry and crabby....thank you moog...

Friday at the office I did my best to stay awake, look alive and act like I gave a rat's ass about what I was doing....The two jet fuel pills I took before I headed out helped a tiny bit with that endeavor.

Friday evening I had plans to meet a new friend and talk about a vested interest - trading services for services. Get your mind out of the gutter; we were talking professional services. But the half hour conversation lasted about 2 and a half hours.

Then it was time to get ready for the after-prom I had volunteered for, so I hopped in the shower, popped a couple more jet-fuel pills and off I went.

I love working after-prom, seeing all the kids having fun and visiting with other parents. I had so much fun that I did not have a problem staying awake...

Til I got back home...at 4:30 am...

I walked in the door, noticed a couple of bodies in the living room, mumbled hello, and headed up to bed.... and that was all she wrote....till about noon...

....when I stumbled down the stairs to see who was in my living room...it was just a couple of G-man's friends - damn.

But I grabbed my favorite place on the couch and tried to act like a nice Mom for a bit - until I nodded off mid-conversation. Actually, it was pretty much mid-sentence...

I woke several times during the next few hours ...or they woke me...

Mom, wake up, you're snoring...really loud...

Damn cold...I kept promising to go back up to bed, but nodded back off before I got the words out of my mouth...

When they couldn't take it any more, they left - to their own homes and not-so-annoying families. G-man headed for work.

I kept sleeping...or trying to. I actually woke myself up a couple of times...took me a bit to realize what god-awful sound woke me, but yeah, it was me...

About 8:30 PM, I woke one more time...to the phone...G-man calling from work, telling me he is going out with some friends and asking if I will give him a ride home if he stays out past curfew...

We are just going to hang out and play halo and you slept all day anyway...so if I need a ride at 4:00 am, will you come and get me so i do not get arrested for breaking curfew?

Sure, G-man. One more all nighter will not kill me...anything for you...well not anything...no, I will not do that...don't even go there...you've been warned...

It sucks...not

So I was at Walmart the other day and feeling like my life sucked...when I happened past the vacuum aisle....

Just the thing to buy so my life could suck a little more...

I spent some time comparing models. According to the specs, none of them were self-sucking, so I just chose one that I thought would suck the best...on the stairs, on the ceiling, on the carpet, on the hard wood floors, and on the linoleum...

I ended up bringing home THE BOSS. But before I opened the box, I decided to check the reviews on-line...yeah, I do things backwards at times.

According to the online review(s) (they all said the same thing) THE BOSS is not all it is cracked up to be....though built to suck, it doesn't. At least not very well...

So that sucker is going back....

A blast from the past...

So as I am shutting down my computer to go into what I knew would be a boring meeting, I got an instant message from LDBoy...it was just a link.....

http://www.cleveland.com/insideout/index.ssf/2009/05/glass_house_in_bath_township_r.html


Yeah, remember the post I wrote a short time ago about LDBoy's glass house era. That's the house.

No he was not the one who broke the windows and punched holes in the wall - that was his roomate. The one he is rooming with in the stone house now...stone...it does not give...

But glass house man is doing much better - he is taking his meds and they seem to be working. He is back to his fun, mellow self - the nice kid who LDBoy has known since he was in kindergarten.

And for the sake of accuracy, he drove two cars into that river...not one. It was spur of the moment research...twice.

And those were not water bottles he piled in the first floor office, they were Propel bottles. G-man remembers first hand.

It was harmless fun, Mom...like an adult ball pit...better than at Chuckie Cheese, tho - no little kids screaming and peeing and....

G-man used to visit and play video games with his friends in one of the upstairs rooms; they used a projector and made the screen the size of the wall.

CareBear used to get lost in the house....

"talk to me so I can follow your voice..."

I had a Mom's room all picked out...damn, so close!

Monday Morning at the office...

Each Monday morning at Peyton PHlace, the office rabble centers around the weekend. And this Monday was no exception. Some tidbits I overheard...

"Did you enjoy Mother's Day?"

"I guess...I mean I spent three hours at my Mom's, four hours at his Mom's and the rest of the day trying to scramble to do the things I usually do on Sundays, like laundry and bills and lunches and get the kids ready for next week..."

"What did you do for your Mom?"

"I moved far away years ago so she has no holiday expectations from me....

"The nursing home she is in does not allow visitors...really..."

"What did you do for your wife? "

"She's not my Mom!" (let's not go their again)

"I gave her a really nice card and I wrote 'Without you I would be a Dad.' I spent the rest of the day hearing her give the kids stupid lessons on how leaving one word out ..." (hmm, wonder what she'll get next year)

"I gave her an AK-47, because home security is the best gift of all!"

"Did you have a nice weekend?"

"Yes I did, thanks for asking....My weekend started with a meeting of a couple of neighborhood Moms to plan for some upcoming school events. We of course invited Mike...as he is hard, cold, and refreshing, and the only guy we let come in our mouths. Hey, where ya going...don't ya want to hear about the rest of my weekend?"

Happy Mother's Day

This is my 300th blog post as Phillipia (that is, if you forget about the ones I deleted because I was ranting about mothers who subsequently threatened to tell my naughtiest secrets ) and I have decided to celebrate by dedicating it to mother's everywhere....

Yeah, not Moms, but mothers - mother fuckers to be more exact....

100 MFers on the wall,
100 MFers on the wall
Kick one until you make him fall...
99 MFs on the wall....

To all you MFers who...

• would not consider buying your wife a card yesterday because "she is not MY MOM"...
• who give your "GF" excuse after excuse for not doing what she asks until she finally says goodbye and you act hurt and surprised when all along it was what you were trying for but were too much of a pussy to just end it honestly...
• stay out of touch for weeks at a time and then do not understand why we are not just so thrilled to see you cuz you know you are god's gift to us...
• just want to meet in the parking lot and "if we hit it off we will get a room, sweetheart"...who needs dinner...
• just do not know how to say "I do not want to even be friends, bitch" but just decide to never answer our emails or messages again...get the hint, woman...
• forget to tell us about the wife at home with 6 kids that you gave the ungrateful whore....

OK...I'm done...last week was a rough week and everything from the past just came bounding back and the above needed to be said....for my mental health...

Well, it probably did not need to be said, but I said it anyway, because that is the way I am...just ask those Rebel Moms...but that's a story for another time...

Anything you want to add...be my guest...

Happy Moms' Day!

Yes, Moms because there are a lot of moms out there and not Mothers' because...well, even guys can be mothers of a sort and we are not celebrating that...at least not today:)

For me, Mom's day is a chance to reflect on how blessed I am to have three wonderful kids...

And to chuckle at some of the things they are probably thinking today.....

LDBoy....

CareBear....

G-Man....

and each of them in their own little world....(There is no significance to there being a girl on that card.)

And hopefully no one I know is thinking this today...
Thanks to all three of you for allowing me to feel so blessed on this Mom's Day:)

I think I am infected...

I have all the early signs of influenza A (H1N1 - aka Swine flu) :

• Fever - more like hot flashes, but still....
  
  
• Cough - especially right before I get that first cigarette of the day in...
  
  
• Headache - especially after I have been staring at the screen for three hours browsing and blogging...
  
  
• Muscle pain - okay, so maybe I overdid it just a little at Bally's last night...
  
  
• Joint pain - not because I stubbed my toe and started to fall up (yes, up) the stairs but caught myself with my already tendonitis-inflamed arm...
  
  
• Sore throat - not from getting caught in the pouring rain the other night while cheering on the the 4x8 relay team...
  
  
• Morning congestion and runny nose - not from sleeping with my windows open at night...
  
  
• Vomiting/diarrhea - after only a little bit of partying last night...

I think I should quarantine myself for a few weeks - for the good of the community...

Happy Birthday to Winky Twinky!!

There is a funny story behind how I came to know our friend Winky Twinky....

We met by way of a fellow blogging buddy...

Only it was not his intent that we ever knew about each other...

Funny how ya meet a guy and ya think he is everything and then ya realize what an effin jerk he is and then you meet a girl who met the same guy and came to the same realization...

And you start sharing stories and rotflyfao (yeah, that's roll on the floor, laugh your fuckin' ass off ).

And a friendship is born...so that is why he came into my life...it was soooo worth it:)

Thank you Winky Twinky for being such a good friend. May you have a wonderful 39th birthday.

It is almost summer and time to get together for those Margaritas and share stories in person:)

Hey, it's poetry Wednesday - what have ya got?

I like this plan....

...especially since I qualify:)

The St. Petersburg Times Newspaper recently asked readers for their ideas on how to fix the economy. My favorite suggestion was nicknamed the The Patriotic Retirement Plan. In summary:

No more money to companies that have squander past bailouts on lavish parties and unearned bonuses...

Instead, pay $1 million dollars severance for early retirement to each of the 40 million people over the age of 50 who are currently in the work force. (Hey, that's me!)

Upon acceptance of the money:

• They MUST retire. (NO problem there!) With an instant 40 million job openings, unemployment will no longer be a problem.
  
  
• They MUST buy a new American car. (NO problem there - well, I sort of wanted a Honda next time, but I hear they are made in America now.) With 40 million cars ordered, the auto industry should bounce back..
  
  
• They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage. (NO problem there, who would not want to get rid of that debt?) This should bring a swift end to the housing crisis.

Where do I sign up?

An alternative to blogging...

I was blogging away last week, except I was not being funny and I did not post them here...

Actually, they were emails, and they were rants...PMSing rants of a Mom and parent....

They were so PMSing that I wrote an apology...

Three hours later...

So yesterday late afternoon, I am instant messaging with my boss who works in San Jose, trying to answer question after question after question, while talking on the phone with a football parent about plans that need to be made, when I get a text message from G-Man...

Hey, I broke my nose last night, but don't worry, I fixed it...
But Coach says I have to go get it checked anyway so I can breathe when I run...

Say what???? You looked fine to me last night...

Yeah, so when you get home we need to run up to the med center...

So we did...and three hours after we got there, the doc looked at the x-ray on his computer screen and said...

Son, you broke your nose (see that line on the x-ray?), and you put it back just the way it should be. Good job. Now go home, stay there, put some ice on it to get the swelling down, take some motrin, get a good night's sleep and don't call me in the mornin, 'cuz there's nothing more I can do.

Whatever...

The Life (so far) and Adventures of...

After yesterday's post, I decided now might be a good time to blog a little about the life and adventures of LDBoy.

A side note....the pictures I posted from the Disney party were taken before the party got underway; at least that is the impression I got after viewing the video collage posted on YouTube

I am going to skip the early years because I believe that LDBoy's childhood creativity was stifled by having at least one of his parents holding the reigns..except maybe for the beer found in his locker in 8th grade; the New Year's Eve he left home to go to the store and just kept going to a much more exciting party; the F in Computer Information class in 11th grade because he was bored and decided to hack into the school computer instead of doing the assigned work...

Let's start about the time he dropped out of college and broke up with the then love of his life...

I think of this as the metal house era...you heard right - all metal (roof, siding, inside walls). LDBoy was renting one of a few metal houses built in the early 60's in CFO. It was on the corner of Grove and Hudson Drive, the one with the huge trampoline (for tanning and thinking and sleeping and kickboxing tournaments) in the front yard. All-in-all, living in a metal house was an adventure, especially during a thunder or rainstorm. Did ya ever try to sleep with rain beating down on a metal roof? But LDBoy never did sleep much. He was too busy working at starting his own web development business. It was during this metal house era that his business became successful enough that he could give up his pizza delivery job to work for himself... and he has never gone back.

Then there was what I call the glass house era. One of LDBoy's partners, and friend since kindergarten, lived in a huge house in Bath. He had purchased this house with funds he had earned as a young entrepreneur in high school. The house had lots and lots of windows - more windows than vinyl siding. And behind those windows was...the inside of the house. I got lost in there a couple of times trying to find my way to and from one of the bathrooms...not good. The outside featured a stream running through the front yard that often doubled as a garage or an office - depending on the weather, of course.

Two bachelors living in a glass mansion...not for too long tho, because, well, a couple of parties got a little out of hand and one thing led to another and lets just move on...

...to the lake house era. LDBoy had a business partner in North Carolina and another in New Jersey. North Carolina man used to visit Ohio and New Jersey quite often. Well, he decided to convince New Jersey Man and LDBoy to make the move to North Carolina. He found them a house to rent and off they went. The house was beautiful, with a dock right on Lake Norman (no boat, but a dock). There was a wooden stair case leading from the upper deck (off the sunroom) through the back yard to the dock - with built in benches and a grill area half way down.

The house was awesome inside as well...6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a huge kitchen and living/dining room. The finished basement included a game room, wet bar, built in 60-inch tv, walk out patio. Two bachelors living in a lake house mansion... I loved to visit. It was so quiet and peaceful.

But it had its downfalls. North Carolina man forgot to mention that the development was built as a retirement community - for NASCAR racers and Pro golfers and an assortment of old people...with money...who did not appreciate loud parties and 15 cars in the driveway and who definitely did not want their college-age daughters who were home for the summer to get anywhere near the new kids on the block...

So after a year, back to Ohio it was. And the nightlife of Akron...and what was soon to become the stone/marble house era. Glass House Man, LDBoy, and yet another partner are currently renting a Stone House in West Akron. Stone on the outside that is - including two stone lions guarding the front entrance. And an enclave at the front entrance that must have been the home of a statue the Blessed Virgin Mary or Blessed (non-Virgin) Mary Phillipia ...I see a a Photo Joe moment in my future...

A previous owner redid the inside of the house. He left the upstairs bedrooms, servants' quarters, office, and attic alone. He also did not do too much to the first floor living room/dining room/kitchen and wine tasting area. However, the basement was completely redone, with lots and lots of marble. There is a game room with a pool table and lounging bed; a jacuzzi room with 2 lion head sprayers and a waterfall and a lounging bed. There is an 8 person shower room....8 shower heads - I counted. The three car garage is no longer a garage - it has been connected to the (previously) walkout area of the basement and completely transformed into a ballroom with a lounging area of course and a wall of mirrors and a industrial sized kitchen/bar area.

And this is where the Disney costume part took place which brought to light a few issues. This is a neighborhood of old people with old money. Many of their granddaughters attend the all-girls Catholic high school less than two blocks away. The three playboy bachelors have been warned that their activity will be monitored - 24/7 by video cameras installed in the neighbor's yards at aimed at their driveway all the time. All suspicious action will be reported to the Akron police.

Yes, the police visited the party several times just to let them know the neighbors had complained.

"But it's a Disney party - and the neighbors were invited, ocifer."
"Yeah, we know...Just tone it down a little - it is 3AM and these people have to get up for church in a few hours."

Which brings up yet another issue. There is plenty of parking across the street at the church - for overnight house/party guests and early morning God-fearing churchgoers. But churchgoers must have a special sticker on their car or something, because at 6:00 AM St. Holier than Thou Pastor comes to visit the newest members of the non-churchgoing (except for parking) community.

"I just want to show you the flyer I placed on your guest's cars. I hope they will all be in church this morning, because I will be upset if I find out they were using Church property as a parking lot while they participated in activities the Lord would not approve of..."

"Hey, everyone, get your costumes back on, we're going to church!"

Share the Magic of Disney...

My oldest son, LDBoy, is enjoying life...a lot. He is still single and not currently in a serious relationship (at least that I know about), so why not? Now is the time to have fun. I promise to blog about some of his adventures in a future post, but for today I just wanted to post a couple of pictures from his 26th birthday party last weekend. I must say his friends know how to throw a party. Of course, he helped a lot, too. He chose the theme - a Disney costume party. There was a professional photographer friend of his there who takes awesome pics. I have met Photo Joe before at CareBear's 21st birthday (which LDBoy also planned, by the way). Photo Joe set up a green screen - I do not quite understand how it works, but here is a pic of LDBoy after he removed the greenscreen and replaced it with a different background...

And here is a pic Photo Joe sent me that he calls Happy Family...Thanks, Photo Joe!

...and yeah, Pinnochio was there, too:)

Photo-op revisited....

I was relaxing tonight after a long day of work and school meetings and after Ballys (to work off the food forced down me at the last meeting of the day which was, I admit it, another one of our Mom get togethers - the real reason I volunteer so much to help with school events).

So I am sitting here chugging a glass of previously frozen wine and Stumbling the net when I came a cross a pic I had posted a few months back. Only this time, the caption was different - different enough to cause me to SWOOMN (shoot wine out of my nose).

No Corkscrew...No probblem:)

I do have a corkscrew or two or three; I sometimes have trouble locating one of them when I need it, tho.

Quite by accident, I discovered a way to overcome that lil problem next time. You see, Friday evening a I invited a few football Moms to my place to plan the team meals for the upcoming season. (We did not get a lot of planning done, but that is another story.)

On the way home from work I decided to stop by the local Big Bird grocery and pick up some munchies and drinks - yeah, the reason we did not get a lot of planning done...

I was not sure what everyone liked to drink so I picked up a few different things that I liked so leftovers would not go to waste. A little Mike's, a little more Mike's (there's a lot of flavors now), some White Zin and some Reisling, and some Maragrita mix, and some honest Molson...

Note to self: Do not stop off for alcohol on the way home from a long, shitty week at work...

I found most everything in the cooler except for the Reisling, so I decided to throw it in the freezer for a bit when I got home.

Yesterday, I decided to be a good Mom and pick up LDBoy and take him to his grandma's for his birthday dinner. He was hung over from his Disney bday party the night before. I had not intended to make the long trek (110 mile round trip from my place) to my ex's Mom's even tho I was invited. I just had too much to do and I had taken the kids (and their Dad) to dinner earlier in the week. But for LDBoy....

And yeah - I wanted to see his new house....He does find the most awesome places to live, but I digress - again.

Anyway, I thought I could bring a bottle of wine that we did not drink the other night...now where did I put it? Uh-oh....mad dash for the freezer, too late....

The corks were out of the bottle - all in one piece. Unfortunately, most of the wine was out of the bottles too. Boy does my freezer smell nice - if you like the fragrance of Reisling, that is...

Beached...

When I was a petite child in the 1960's, bathing suits for the mature (fuller-figured) woman seemed a feat of engineering. They were built to hold in and uplift and they did a good job of it.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for prepubescent girls with figures carved from potato chips. And today, as a fuller figure (i.e., fat) woman shopping for a swim suit - I have limited choices. I can go to the maternity department and choose a floral suit with a skirt. But then I would probably spend most of the summer chasing off little kids asking me if I am one of the hippos from Fantasia....

Or, as is my usual plan of attack, I can wander around every department store on the planet trying to choose from a wide (not physically) range of florescent rubber bands.

So last week, wander I did. I made what I thought was a sensible choice and decided to try it on - which was a battle in itself. The stretchy material had an extraordinary tensile strength. It seemed like something NASA would have designed to launch small rockets from a slingshot.

Anyway, I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I realized that my boobs had disappeared! It took awhile, but I found one under my left armpit and the other flattened beside my seventh rib.

Without a bra cup to hold them in place, my boobs spread across my chest like a speed bump. It took a while, but I was finally able to realign my speed bump. Now for a look in the mirror...not a pretty picture. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play-do wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to fit (cram) in all those extra play-do lumps, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain. The look on her face told me I needed to try something different. So I spent the next hour or so trying....

• There was a cream crinkled suit that made me look like a lump of masking tape.
• And then a floral two piece which sort of made me look like an over-sized napkin in a serving ring.
• I looked like Tarzan's Jane in the leopard skin suit that featured ragged frills.
• The black lil number with a midriff gave me the appearance of a jellyfish in mourning.
• There was a bright pink one-piece with French cut legs - so French cut that I would have to mow and trim the law and then bring out the wax...

But finally, I found a suit that fit...a modest two-piece deal with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly - made for me.... I bought two - just in case (of what I do not know).

When I got home, I needed to try it on again, because I was so excited to find something I would be comfortable wearing to the pool or the beach.

That's when I saw it....the tag...and I had a very bad feeling. I know to always read the tag before I buy anything. But I was so excited to find something that fit that I never even thought about the tag....Is it dry clean only?...Is it 100% Cotton Lycra that will shrink 50% after one washing? Oh no, nothing like that...

"Material might become transparent in water."

YIKES!!!!

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too....

Yay - I am funny:)

This morning, thanks to the prompt from The Mind of Spaz, I applied for membership into the wonderful world of Humorbloggers [dot] com and they accepted me. I feel sooo special:) I mean, some of my friends think I am funny, but they are biased, I'm sure.

Thank you HBDC for letting me in....I will do my best not to disappoint.

Damn...now I have to be funny...talk about pressure on myself...

Happy Birthday LDBoy!

There is a reason you were born on April 25th...yeah, ok I will not go into all of that here....

But it seems that you are a lot of who you are because of the alignment of the stars and planets (or whatever it is that astrology is all about) because you are lying to yourself if you think this does not sound like you, at least a little...

A Taurus born on April 25 is a seeker of life's deepest mysteries. They possess great spirituality, which gives them amazing strength of character.

April 25 natives take life as it comes. When disappointments come their way, they see the challenges as valuable learning experiences.

April 25 individuals are introspective loners who don't need to find themselves through relationships. Because of their spiritual nature, they may remain celibate for long periods of time when not involved in a relationship. (Ok, maybe not here so much...)

A great many unresolved issues from childhood are likely to influence the adult lives of April 25 people. They seek to heal their emotional wounds by raising a family. This can prove helpful therapy for them, as long as they understand that forgiveness for the past must precede healing in the future. (Lucky for you that you have no unresolved issues from childhood, because you had perfect parents; or at least one perfect parent - that would be me in case you are confused.)

April 25 people do not have the robust health generally associated with Taureans, and they have a tendency to catch colds easily. Mineral water and herbal tea will help flush toxins from the system. (As will Jose.)

April 25 people respond to music's natural resonance, which gives them physical grace and a natural sense of rhythm. They often become talented dancers, choreographers, figure skaters, musicians, and singers. (Ooops, unless there is something I do not know about you, I think you were MIA during this handout.)

Although intelligent, April 25 people are not advised to handle a significant amount of money without professional advice. (Hmmmm - no comment.)

The chief aim of April 25 individuals is to understand themselves. Success has little to do with accumulating worldly possessions or praise. It is the intangibles of life that concern April 25 people. In their quiet way these people can make extraordinary spiritual mentors. (You are one of my three inspirations, because you have found a way to do to do what makes you happy...but you know that!)

As an April 25th Taurean, you should embrace concentration, pondering an answer, playing for keeps.

As an April 25th Taurean, you should avoid tension, telling a hurtful truth, worrying about death. (Hey, death happens to the best of us...)

.
LDBoy, how 'bout them Cavs? Yeah, I love you - forever. And I wish you all of the best (adventures, health, wealth, and happiness) this year and for many more to come. Happy Birthday!

Putting my Physics BS to Work ...

I have finally decided that it is time to do something useful with my degree...

As all physics majors know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.

Translated into layman terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (which most likely consists of a lot of water), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories (per the law of physics stated above).

The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, making use of the law of thermodynamics (as taught to me by an overzealous, Italian, chauvinistic, Jesuit school prof) 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (any localization coordinator can do it) to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.

The results here are truly remarkable, and it beats running or swimming (but not sexercize) hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. However, as the astute reader has already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

Now I understand why my Dad insisted that I get a good education from a Jesuit college. He knew I would need to someday understand the importance of adhering religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet if I were to keep my girlish figure (or get it back, since I chose to forget this bit of knowledge until recently).

So beer (honestly), pizza (with anchovies), and lots of ice cream (chocolate, of course) at Phillipia's every weekend. And margaritas in between....its medicinal.

Finally...

A pharmaceutical advertisement that makes sense...coming soon to your local cable network...

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include but are not limited to:

• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
• Loss of motor control and balance
  
• Loss of clothing
• Loss of money
• Table dancing
• Lap dancing
  
• Headache, sensitivity to light and noise
  
• Dehydration
• Dry mouth
• Diarrhea of the mouth
  
• An overpowering desire to sing Karaoke

Do not take more than the prescribed dosage; symptoms of overdose include the uncontrollable desire to make midnight phone calls to ex-lovers, the need to tell your friends over and over again how much you love them, fantasies of being as attractive to members of the opposite sex as they are to you, and actually fulfilling your dream of singing and dancing on stage with the band.

I'll take it black...

I am one of those who can and do drink coffee no matter what time of day.

And believe me, it is for the good of everyone that I do...

Honesty sucks...

I got in to work this morning and as usual logged into my personal email accounts first thing. It's for the good of the company, really, 'cuz if I have to worry about what I might be missing all day, I will never get any work done...

Anyway, I opened this email from my Mom:

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files. Thank thee.

And being the honorable person that I am, well, the rest is history....literally...

Happy Birthday, CareBear!

It's your Birthday, happy to ya!

On the day you were born...I was there:)

And since that day, you have been a joy. You are sweet, beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm, gracious, all the things a Mom could ever ask for in a daughter. Most of all you are my friend. One of my best friends.

You are my favorite daughter - but you know that:)

Today I wish for you the happiest birthday ever, and a year that is full of excitement (the good kind) and dreams and happy endings and new beginnings...

I love you forever, CareBear!

Where did the week go?

I cannot believe it is Sunday again already...

It has been very busy at Peyton PHlaCe this last few weeks and it does not look like it is going to slow down anytime soon. We are in the RUMP of one project which is the busiest time for me. It is the part of the project that sits between RfLD and RfVD. So I have been working quite a few 8+ hour days.

But, according to the PMT at last week's THM, I should keep working hard, because the future of PHC is looking great...Of cource that was followed by a memo from BoD and CEO that says we are not out of the woods and we have to make further cost reductions; which was followed by a memo from the DoHC not to worry too much - just keep working hard and we will pull through this economic downturn - without raises of course...

Tuesday morning I joined AAAAAA - the American Association Against Acronym and Abbreviation Abuse.

Tuesday evening I received a call from the Track Coach asking me to put together a hospitality suite for 80 coaches/workers at the Invitational Friday (yes in two days) ....I asked him a month earlier if I could help....hmmm...but no problem - I got it handled - thanks to Chik-Fil-A who donated 80 sandwiches and a few parents who donated food and time. I am planning now for the PAC Conference meet next month- not waiting for the coach to ask for my help - he is getting it:)

So Thursday evening after leaving the office late, I ran around getting stuff I needed for Friday, got a haircut so I could color my hair with one bottle of color instead of two, and then headed home thinking of all I still needed to do. What a nice surprise when I walked into a clean house. G-Man had picked up, cleaned up, and cut my do list by quite a bit....Thank you G-Man.

Friday morning, I colored the gray out of my hair (so as not to embarrass G-man at UB Saturday - cuz it was bad). Then I ran a few more errands before the track meet. I got my exercize running up an down the bleachers to the upper press box where the hospitality suite was set up. But all in all it was a good day and a good meet. Congrats to the South Boys on placing first. Sorry you did not get to run, G-Man; but hoped you learned your lesson about stretching enough to avoid pulled hamstrings.

Saturday bright and early G-Man's dad picked us up for the ride to UB for Junior Day. Yes - a day with the ex - how fun. But all in all, it too was a good day. G-Man really liked Buffalo.

Today is catch-up and plan the coming week day at Phillipia's house:

• Plan birthday dinner with LDBoy and CareBear - pick a day you two:)
• Track meet Wednesday
• Laundry
• Make football web updates
• Update junior football profiles
• Schedule meeting to plan football lunches/dinners
• Grocery shop
• Create test reports for RUMP project
• Bally's
• Birthday shop for CareBear and LDBoy

Forget the bank...

I was browsing the online news at lunchtime at found this article:

Cash In Bra Stops Bullet From Piercing Heart

I am thinking three-fold here: save my life, save my savings, increase my bustiness.

But maybe I had better find a way to make some extra cash to stuff; I want it to work - a Cash in Bra Not Enough to Stop Bullet from Piercing Heart is not the headline I want above my obit. So....I decided to answer the email in my box - which apparently was a reply to some info I had asked for - I mean, why else would the subject line start with re:?

So I ordered the absolutely free (if you do not count the minimal S&H fee and the $60 plus dollars they are going to start deducting from my credit card immediately and every month thereafter....

Ooops, I did it again. When will I learn...there is no such thing as a free lunch or a free trial kit just as there is no hot, hot 50 year old German widower named John Kevin who is just dying to meet me as soon as possible- if only he had $1200 to get his stuff through customs...

but I digress...

I assume everyone has filed their fed, state, and local taxes here in the good ole' U.S.of A...

Good Times...

I love Easter...because it is one time when we can almost always get all of us (me & the kids) together.

Well ok, except for those every other years when the kids were growing up and they got to be with their dad...and that one year LDBoy was supposedly on a cross-country (not skiing) trip and ended up spending the day in a Texas...but I digress....

Saturday morning I was chatting with some friends online when LDBoy popped in and asked "is today Easter?" Hmmm...ok, you are the only one of my three kids that went to Catholic school for more than a couple years and you do not know that Easter is always on Sunday - that's why they call it Easter Sunday. "No...is today Easter? I went out Friday and got totally...had fun...and I was not sure if I missed a day...Just do not want to miss Easter Dinner with the family." Whew..I was worried there for a sec....I could have told him it was Monday...

After G-Man headed out the door for Easter Sunday Mass, CareBear and I (with KB, tho less willingly) plopped our tired asses on the couch and watched Marley and Me. What a great movie, at least most of it. I have not laughed that hard for quite awhile - until the crying started. I have not cried that hard for a while either. Actually, I think all three of us were crying 'tho KB swore his cat allergies were acting up... I could not watch the end ...because I was already late getting dinner going...man they should have ended that movie when everyone was still happy and having a good time.

When my mom and dad showed up about 2:45, commenting that they thought dinner was at three, I explained that they must have misunderstood - I am starting dinner at three...the lasagna will be in the oven by 3:30...promise...

And after dinner CareBear and KB had to head home to do some homework and practice with the band; mom and dad were out the door soon after and G-man headed out to spend some more time with Ames.

And LDBoy and I plopped on the couch so he could tell me stories of his late night escapades - the stories he could not tell earlier because they are not grandparent-friendly...good times...

LDBoy, I too love my family:)

On Easter morn....

...I stayed up way past my bedtime....

After working the bingo floor Saturday night (to a near record crowd - and feisty at that), I spent some time sharing a couple bottles of wines with CareBear and KB and talking til 3:00 AM. Good times:)

About 9:00 AM I decided I should rise from the bed if wanted to spend some time with G-man before he went off to Church with Ames' family. I thought of going with him - for about a nanosecond. I kind of feel guilty about not supporting him more with his new found religious beliefs, but I do not discourage him either....he's smart, he'll figure out what is best for him...

I am looking forward to today because all of the kids will be home (and my Mom and Dad). Today's menu includes something for everyone...lasagna and green bean casserole (CareBear), ham & mashed potatos (LDBoy), shrimp and pierogies (G-man). Of course, I like it all. And it shows.

Earlier this week, I was feeling tired and down and G-man, being the sweet guy he is, left a surprise for me on the living room coffee table. I took a pic to share...
In the middle of the heart was a note telling me how much he appreciates all I do for him...I love you too, G-Man.

I better get busy,,,

I got a little unexpected reprieve today since G-man pulled a hamstring and cannot run. That means I do not need to make the trip to Medina, though I am bummed for him.

But, I need to get my butt in gear and grab a couple things I missed at the grocery store and get ready for Easter dinner before I go work bingo later....

Bingo on a Saturday night before Easter? I guess many want to play, but those who don't are pretty busy getting things together for tomorrow and do not want to work the floor, getting yelled at because we do not hear our name ("Instant") or we do not understand that "2 from the back, 2 from the front, 2 from the middle, and 2 from wherever" does not mean our wherever...

But, I will, because the bingo money sure helps the football and track teams of which G-man reaps the benefits....too bad he is not old enough to work the floor:) or that his Dad does not volunteer to work once in a while - I keep hinting:) Something about not believing in bingo or not being able to smoke or....

40 Days and 40 Nights...

I think I just might have to go back to giving up something or someone for Lent...

Why? (You asked, I heard you).

Because I sorta miss looking forward to Easter and being able to indulge in what I gave up for 40 days and 40 nights (minus Sundays, holidays and holy days).

Of course, that means I have to give up something I really like or want - unlike that time I gave up knowing guys (yeah, in the Biblical sense) because none of that was happening anyway. Did I tell you my kids are the product of Immaculate Conception - all three of them...

Or the time I gave up haystacks (chocolate covered coconut and the country life). I knew I could never give up any other chocolate, so why subject myself to failure before I even start?

Then there was the time I gave up my gym membership...that was a tough one - especially since the gym was not open on Easter Sunday and I had to wait til Monday to sweat to the oldies.

But I have a whole year to think about this. And indulge in all the things I love in case I decide to give one of them up for Lent 2010....

Peyton PHlaCe Ethics...

Just to make sure I know when it is appropriate to accept a bribe (never) or a gift that may be misunderstood as a bribe (ooops) I participated in another round of corporate ethics training this past week...

I believe this course is meant as a refresher, because I take a very similar (on-line) course every few months. The example stories and quiz questions are pretty straight forward.

Employee X went on an all-expense paid vacation with Vendor Y while trying to select a cost-effective vendor for Project YNot. Is this appropriate? (Only if vendor Y allowed Employee X to bring his wife and kids so it could be considered a "family vacation.")


Employee Z hinted to Vendor W that he should rework his quote if he wanted to win ProjectNeverEnds. Is this appropriate? (Only if Employee Z provided Vendor W with copies of quotes provided by all competing vendors so Vendor W knew what he was up against.)

This course did not include corporate policy on office solicitation (or if it did I totally missed it). However, there must be a solicitation policy on the books somewhere and someone on the Executive Team must have come across it and decided to take a look. Because this week an email blast informed us that Employee Classified Ads is in direct violation to the corporate solicitation policy and will be discontinued effective immediately (by that we mean yesterday). Bummer, who am I going to buy my refurbished Dell computer peripherals from?

Not 24 hours after the execution of the Classified Ads, we received another email blast reminding us of corporate sponshorship of a certain charitable organization and soliciting (in not such explicit words of course) employee support of this sponsorship. To that I say...when you bring back the classified ads....

...because, you know the next thing to go is Girl Scout Cookie sales...

BTW, have you seen the list of new flavors?

Happy Thursday before Easter!

I know Easter is not suppose to be about the bunny...butt...

Chocoholic that I am...

Ho's Revised....

I do not know how could I forget
someone as good to me as Santa.
Thanks to Steve H. for setting me straight.

Thunder....

I stumbled upon this the other night

and was reminded of the year CareBear was born.

Ldboy was big into Thundercats.

I dreaded Carebear's first word ....

If your cat could blog...

Week in Review...

It is spring...and with spring comes lots to do...

Fortunately, I live in a condo, so I do not have to worry about yardwork...

Unfortunately, I do have to worry about the inside...and, if you know me, you know I am one of the least domestic women alive...But I did spend a good part of the weekend cleaning and doing laundry....let's not talk about that...

Monday - I do not remember what I did, except that I know I went to the office ....

Tuesday - Again, I know I went into the office to work...in fact, I worked til pretty late in the day...I just do not remember most of it...or I have blocked it out for good reason...or maybe I am just getting old...er...

Wednesday - I participated in a localization conference in downtown Cleveland - once I found my way there, that is...then I worked at home a couple of hours before heading to the first track meet of the season...which did not have the hoped for result (as a Mom, I thought both teams were awesome, there cannot be two winners - but try to tell G-man that... I let the team down, Mom).

Thursday was another hectic day at the office...lots of meetings and lots of work...I was there til 8:30 and still brought work home (not that I did any of it, but I had good intentions). When I got home I had to do laundry so G-man would have clothes to run in Friday night and then I fell asleep on the couch.

Friday, early, I woke to the cat batting around what I thought was a toy....yeah, not until I picked it up to tease her did I realize her toy was alive, barely ....yuck...that toy went out the front door. Then a full day of training at Peyton PHlaCe. I finally walked out because I wanted to get to the track meet in time to see G-man run. And I just made it; I stopped the car as I was pulling in to watch him cross the finish line. Yeah, I saw ya...you did awesome:) And that was just the beginning of a long night. I watched him and his teammates in the freezing cold til 9:30 (ok, they were probably a lot colder than I was).

Saturday morning G-man finally took the ACT test; I say finally because I had him signed up twice last year and he found reasons both times not to go. In fact, he had several reasons not to take it this Saturday as well (I entered a body-building contest, I'm going on retreat, I ran out of gas, it wasn't my fault...). But this time I had the help of those he respects more than Mom...coaches....thank you. You will not enter a body-building contest during track season....You will take the ACT if you want me to help you get recruited....oh yeah...us moms need help at times...