Lesson for the day...

This lesson was passed on to me from a pre-school (for the gifted) teacher.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife for a free visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation. This particular medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

Wanting to keep his wife happy, the old man decided to redeem his certificate...

During his visit, the medicine man gave the birthday boy a vial full of a sweet-smelling liquid and these instructions:

"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You must take only one teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform for a very long time."

"How long is long? When will the medicine stop working?" the old man questioned.

"One dose will allow you to perform until your partner has had enough and says '1-2-3-4,' repled the healer. "And then, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if the magic medicine would actually work, the old man hurried home, showered, shaved, and took his first dose; he then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of 74-year old men.

His wife was so excited to see his sudden burst of manliness that she started tearing off her own clothes.

"Ooooh, baby, now that's what I'm talking about...but what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Bragging Rights:)

Watch and enjoy...


High school football preview: Rich year for running backs (video) - The News-Herald Sports : Breaking news coverage for Northern Ohio



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Would you get this job?

The following is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

• An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
• An old friend who once saved your life.
• The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

• Would you pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and you feel you should save her?
• Would you take the old friend who once saved your life? This is the perfect chance for pay back.
• Or, would you take your perfect mate because, well, how often does that chance come along?

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) gave the following answer:

I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

The moral? Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. We need to be able to 'Think Outside the Box.'

I got this story in an email from one of the other candidates for the position. He still believes he had the better answer and should have been hired.

I would have to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her; I would then have mad, passionate sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and then I would drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I'd like to share...

A few random thoughts...

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  
  
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  
  
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when I realize I'm wrong, very wrong. Yeah, it happens...to me...a lot:(
  
  
• When someone says: "I don't need to drink to have fun," all I can think is "No one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when you've got a lighter?"
  
  
• I totally wish I could take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid...I'd probably be a lot less tired now.
  
  
• Why isn't there a sarcasm font?
  
  
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die.
  
  
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text or put on eyeliner.
  
  
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. I mentioned this to my kids..."Duh, Mom; but we don't suck at it, so don't worry."
  
  
• Was learning cursive really necessary? How many people's writing can you actually read? And Adobe has taken care of your signature...
  
  
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  
  
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just start nodding and smiling because you can't understand someone's broken English and pressing 1 doesn't work in everyday conversation...
  
  
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a fucktard from cutting in at the front. Left lane ends...you were warned 3 miles back...
  
  
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
  
  
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
  
  
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  
  
• Bad decisions make good stories - especially when they are someone else's bad decisions...
  
  
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. It hit a few minutes ago...
  
  
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection for the sixth time...
  
  
• If the tag says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" it will never get clean...not in my house, anyway.
  
  
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
  
  
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood, don't ya think?
  
  
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  
  
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
  
  
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  
  
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

I am not nice when I am tired...

I am feeling pretty damn exhausted lately...

So today when I got into work and checked my email, and read that my boss had asked the lead of one of my projects (Ms. Lead) to oversee the work of another project that I thought I was now leading ...

And then found another email from Ms. Lead asking everyone who was providing me with input to provide her with the status of their input so maybe she could give us some ideas of how to move this project along faster...

Let's just say I lost it....

The reason I took on this new work a few weeks ago was two-fold:
I like to do it and not too many of my coworkers do...
I figured I could work on my own a bit...away from my Ms. Lead.

Ms. Lead, god love her, is a wonderful person with a smiling, happy personality. She just manages to micromanage the hell out of every project she takes on....She plans the project to death and then replans everytime something small changes and expects the "workers" on the project to confirm her new plans and let her know the instant things change so that maybe her suggested target "dates" cannot be met.

Well guess what, when the whole project end date moves out by a year, my date is gonna move too....sorry I did not mention that to you.

And yet a third email ....Recently, a vendor delivered 240+ translated documents. Ms. Lead asked for a target delivery date for each of the documents. She asked for confirmation of the dates regularly...all were within a two-week span. These were not small documents - they averaged 200 pages each...All documents were delivered within 5 days of the target date - some early, some up to 5 days late. "Well, why were we late on some documents", Ms. Lead asks. "And how can we prevent this in the future?"

Well, I gave her my idea which was probably not a good idea...but I was in a mood....

Phillipia says...

How about you and the rest of the management team find something to do with your time besides asking us the "workers" to report on the status of our "work" while also explaining exactly how we are doing said "work" so you can report to upper management that you have thought of some ways to improve "worker" efficiencies...

Needless to say my idea was not well received.

So I just put my headphones on and continued working, replying to all status requests with "IAFWOI"

I could be wrong...

I thought things would have slowed down a bit by now, but It is taking me longer than I thought to get all the things done I had hoped to get done over the last couple of weeks.

Another couple weeks and MAYBE I will be caught up - if I quit taking on more...I need a lesson in how to say NO...

Not sure I told you that my oldest got a new pet boa; BOA was the guest of honor at his Garden of Eden themed party the other night. I am not quite sure what a Garden of Eden party is because I was not on the invite list...which probably says a lot about what it is...

Costumes were mandatory and G-Man went as Temptation; as far as I know, he did not buy any type of costume; I did see him leave the house with a red marker, tho...Bite Me???

I have yet to see pictures, but I hear BOA had things wrapped up pretty well. Even CareBear, as the tree of life, had a photo moment with BOA...

And unlike the OT garden, this garden abounded in Eves...scantily clad and sharing a BOA...

G-man, being the good son he is, visited his Dad the morning after the party. Unfortunately, his car barely made it to dad's and ended up in a shop in Brimtuckey. But Dad has a few cars so he decided to let G-man borrow one of them until his got fixed; it was not the cool convertible G-Man was hoping to borrow, but....

The Roadmaster, with front bumper bungee corded to the engine, almost made it half of the 60 mile trip home before it stalled out and refused to start. Two cars down in one day...let's go for a record...

So I spent my afternoon driving to Streetsboro to rescue G-man and waiting there with him and the ex for AAA to come and haul the Roadmaster back to Brimtucky...

Yes, the ex has had a bad couple of weeks. His mom has had knee replacement surgery which was complicated with heart problems and he has just put his step-dad in a home for altzheimer patients. He has been slightly over-stressed.

So I did not point out to him that his long graying scragly hair is not attractive - that the hippie, crocodile dundee look does not look good on him.

And I did not point out that wearing striped boxers that are longer than your walking shorts is probably not ever going to catch on as a fashion trend.

I do not really care how he wears his hair or his underwear, but Senior Parent night is next week and I am not sure G-man's friends believe him anymore when he tells them that his Dad is a fashion entrepreneur.

But I could be wrong...I have been before...at least once...

Thank You Cat Lady ...

The other night I decided to take a break from work and football to post a funny from my lil brother and to read a few of my favorite blogs.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear...a chance for me to earn a bloggin' award ...

Thanks to my favorite (because she has no cats) Cat Lady for paying it forward to me with the most sought after bloggin' award of all times - the "Premiere Meme Award!"
Larew, you are the best, what more can I say?

Oh yeah, like I was sayin', I gotta bloggin' work for it...

If I understand it right, before I can claim the award, I need to reveal 7 of my innermost secrets and then pass the torch to 7 of my favorite bloggers who have secrets of their own...

I hope I got that right...

But before I start revealing, let me say a few words of thanks to Cat Lady Larew for nominating me for this honor. You have helped make me the blogger I am with your frequent visits and empathetic comments. All of that after keeping me entertained with tips on How to Become a Cat Lady. I promise to be a student now that I have given up my cat.

I would also like to thank my three kids, my two brothers, my two parents, my friends, my neighbors, my ex-neighbors, my co-workers, my ex-coworkers, my kids friends, my ex, my ex in-laws, the rebel moms, the bingo goers and workers, the football parents and staff, the drinkers, the smokers, the tokers, the online scammers, the guys in my past that I have dated and those who would not date me, my bay buddy, toledodawn, Phat Phil, bad american, lc, richyB, sandra lee..

You get the picture...if you are a part of my bloggin life, thank you very much... But who the hell is sandra lee? you ask - just wait she'll bloggin show up sooner or later...

Now for the revealing....

1. I was very very shy in grade school and high school; in fact, I was one of the least popular kids in school; most likely to be canonized for living the life of an outcast; but look at me now...I am the Mom of a partying bachelor entrepreneur, a beauty queen of a tri-state beer pong champion, and a co-captain of a high school football team...who'd a thought?
2. My BS is in physics - really - which makes me related to Al Einstein - sorta - which is where I get my charming personality and handsome good looks...and frequent bad hair days...
3. Tell me I have to do something and I will do my best to not do it - no matter how much I really want to. It's the Catholic school/family upbringing. Who says I have to go to Church? And confession to a priest??? I'll see you in hell first!!! And there is nothing better than a Delmonico Steak, medium rare, smothered in mushrooms and onions on a Friday in Lent.
4. The thing I find most attractive in guys is their smile; if you have a smile that shows in your eyes, a good sense of humor, and a giving heart, I am yours..if you'll have me - and you're available...
5. Cheaters and liars are about the lowest of the low on my list of bad guys (and gals). If I catch you cheating on a SO or spouse, I have little sympathy for you. And if I catch you in a lie...well, just know I will prolly question every frickin' word outta your mouth after that ...
6. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a nun. But at one time in my young life I did dream of becoming one...sort of wanted to martyr myself for the love of God - make my parents proud...
7. When I grow up, I want to be a lottery winner...actually, I just want to be able to retire someday with enough financial security to not have to work for someone else, to travel a little, and to help my kids on the path to their dreams...

And now the fun part...I get to tag 7 of my favorite bloggers...

CatLadyLarew, know that I would be tagging you if you hadn't tagged me first. Are tagbacks allowed?

Winky Twinky, I'm Just saying you had to know this was coming...You are my first and favorite blogging buddy...well, first after lc, but we will not go there, because he is not there anymore...teach him to mess with us. I'll let you readers try to find that story amongst our bloggin posts...

Next, I want to send you over to Pa Rock's Ramble...Rock is definitely on my list of of top ramblers. And not just because he may owe me $100 at the end of the year if I slither ahead in his infamous Dead Pool. Rock rambles, among other persona, as a social observer, citizen journalist, nature enabler, poetry appreciator, and (drum roll for my personal favorite), proud grampa. Check him out.

Next you should visit Flubtastic Doofalo. I enjoy Flubtastic's blog so much because he (or at least his blog persona) kinda reminds me of me - only I am a girl and he is a guy and he is funny and I try to be and... well there may be a few more slight differences, but you know what I mean...

And then head on over to see mooooooog35, aka midgetmanofsteel, to get your daily dose of laugh-out-loud Mental Poo. Enough said...

Then, let's have some Fun With Jesus because...well, it's back to that Catholic upbringing I keep trying to get away from. Thanks for your help, JC:)

And one of my newer favorites...Dr. Grumpy..take two bullets and cap him in the morning...he'll feel much better.

And this one - ya gotta love - if for nothing else, than the what???? Ok, this sucks...I wanted to tell you about Wind in Your Vagina but apparently it is now only open to invited readers. But I am a follower, invite me in you bastard. I'm losing my Wind in Your Vagina - oh noooooo...

Well that leaves room for another hats off...to the Open Letters Blog. I have been writing a few open letters of my own lately and will be sharing them with you soon - once I get past this busy few weeks at Peyton PHlace and football mommying - which has lead to some of the aforementioned open letters...

Thanks to my lil brother....

...for his answer to a question that use to haunt me...

Why are Muslim terrorists so quick to commit suicide???

• No Jesus

• No Christmas

• No television

• No cheerleaders

• No Nude Women

• No football

• No soccer

• No golf (Sooo??)

• No tailgate parties

• No pork BBQ

• No burgers

• No lobster<

• No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

• No nachos

• No Beer nuts

• No Beer !!!!!!!!

• Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

• Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

• Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

• More than one wife.

• You can't shave.

• Your wives can't shave...

• You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

• The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

• Your bride is picked by someone else.

• She smells just like your donkey.

• But your donkey has a better disposition.

• Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

That clears it up...thanks, lil bro.

Sarcasm Fail!

Retraction: I did not lose my job...yet!!!

My previous post and attempt at sarcasm failed miserably.

I do appreciate your concern and good wishes.

However, I am still employed - at least until the next round of layoffs...

Thank God, because Phat Phil and other Peyton PHlaCe antics provide a hell of a lot of content for this blog...

Motivational FAIL!

So the CEO of Peyton PHlaCe sent an email...


Times are tough...sales are down...healthcare cannot decide if it wants to reform...


You will get laid off as soon as you finish the project you are working on...


Hmmm...this project is taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated...

Oooops day???

G-Man informed me that today is Oooops Day on the football field.

Apparently, the players dress in full pads, but according to OHSAA rules, they are not allowed to make contact.

So if you accidently plow an opponent into the ground and stomp on him unmercifully, it's ok, as long as you help him up and say "ooops."

Lessons...

Did you know that the words 'race car' spelled backwards spells 'race car'?

Did you know that 'eat' is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense 'ate'?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "ex boyfriend" and add just a few more letters, it spells "two-timing, no good god-damn piece of shit asshole loser"?

Amazing, isn't it?


Disclaimer: I am not writing about any specific boyfriend here, so do not flatter yourself if you happen to be one of my ex's reading this....

The week that was....

I miss blogging...

And reading your blogs...

So, I am going to take a break from life and tell you what I have been doing this past week and what I will be up to this next week...just in case you want to know...

First, the week that was...

Monday:

I worked from home and actually got a lot done - worked till about 6:00 pm.
Than I went for a walk with Ame's Mom at Squire's Castle.
We started up the first little hill and I had to set some ground rules...flat ground rules...I am no shape to do the hills - let's stick to the paved path around the castle.
After a few rounds, I was ready for a few rounds, but we decided DQ would have to do because it was getting late.
And Ames and Mom had some girl time planned...hey wait, I'm a girl, so I tagged along. What a treat...hot wax treat that is...I now have two eyebrows...lol.

Tuesday:

As G-Man is leaving for morning workouts he asks if I am coming to the 7-on7 in Bedford.
Me: Say what???
G-Man: We just found out yesterday.
Me: Us moms have a meeting tonight, planned around your schedule to plan for your meals next week.
G-Man: You don't have to come if ya don't want to....

Later....

Me: Okay, coach....they found out yesterday????
Coach: I swear I told them last week...
Me: Told them??? How about telling ME next time so I can post and let parents plan around these things.
Coach: The players knew...
Me: But WE didn't and if you want me to keep passing info to the parents that YOU want them to know...then start passing me info that WE want to know, too, ok? One simple phone call (or an email) to me and I will post info and we would all be much happier....ok??? Are you listening????
Coach: By the way, can you let the parents know there is a mandatory meeting next Sunday rigth smack during the dinner hour - unless you eat dinner incredibly early or late at your house...

All day Tuesday I was torn...do I go to the game or go to the meeting??
Hmmm, I have the agenda, there is no other good night for me or anyone else this week, we have lots to do. In the end, I caved and acted responsible and went to the meeting as did all the other 6 Moms. What a team we are.
I have to tell you, I dreaded taking on the job of coordinating the football meals this year, but what a joy it has been. The moms who offered to help really helped. In fact they did most of the work - I really just coordinated and posted info and kept our spreadsheets up to date.
And the best part, unlike previous years, I had moms helping from all four classes, so they will know what they are doing next year and it can only get better...

Wednesday:

...is a blur. I know I worked at home until pretty late, very late in fact....so late that I do not remember stopping....until I knew if I did not get to Bally's they would close and I really needed to swim off some tension.
(Note: As soon as I get through this upcoming week and have a little more free time, I will have some further adventures of Phat Phil and Peyton PHlaCe to share...)

Thursday:

After a hectic day at Peyton PHlaCe, I headed straight to Chick-Fil-A in Willoughby to help with a fundraiser. G-Man was bummed because he had to work (at KFC) and could not participate. (Uh, boss, I am calling off because I am going to Chick-Fil-A. What??? You're ok with that??? Oh...I am out of a job...damn.)
Sorry you missed the fun, G-Man.

But you'll get your shot at fame a lil later this month when you are featured in the News Herald football preview...

After the fundraiser, I stopped by a cheer leader mom's house to drop off a prize she had won. This lady is a dear friend who was born with the gift of gab. I had a plan, cuz I had not been home yet and I was tired....I figured I would not get out of the car, phone her as I am pulling down her street and ask her to come out and get her prize...
My plan failed. I spent a good 45 minutes sitting in my car in the street with her leaning in my window as I tried to explain to her why I do not call all the parents with the info I post on the web...

Her: Why didn't you tell me about the fundraiser earlier...
Me: I did... RYFE
Her: You know I do not read my email...
Me: Not my problem...
Her: But you could call me...I am your friend...
Me: So are the 20 other parents that asked me to call them...RYFE
Her: Not everyone is computer savy like you...
Me: Not my problem....have your kids read your email...
Her: They are busy...
Me: So am I...

So today, I got a bright idea. I called her (not the bright idea...) and offered her the job of calling all the other freshman parents who apparently do not read their email either (because they have not responded to my email pleas for help serving/donating for meals)....that'll teach 'em...cuz believe me, there is no such thing as a short phone conversation with Dear Gabby.

Friday:

Worked til 5:45 and then headed to another meeting of the Moms (okay just one Mom this time) to design a page for the fall sports program thanking all our sponsors. A veggie pizza and a few beers and hours later and we were happy with our creation...and i learned a few things about a few people I use to know way back in grade school who she knew in high school and college and after....verrry interesting stuff I learned....for another time...

Yesterday:

I did laundry, swam a lil (exercise and Sunny Vitamin D all in one shot), worked a lot on meal stuff, and then met some neighbor girls for a drink and gossip session that lasted into this morning....

Today:

Much like yesterday....more laundry, a lil swimming, a little time with G-Man and friends, a lot of meal planning/web stuff, dinner and drinks with a friend....

And that brings me to now....

Sitting here getting tired just thinking of the upcoming week....serving doubles in the mornings, then right to work for 6-8 hours. Friday night Pampered Chef party, Saturday afternoon lunch with high school friends I have not seen for 30 years, Sunday football meeting..

I'll be back...promise...

In the News...

Oxycontin Found in Skittles

My first thought after reading this article was to call G-man and tell him not to eat those two bags of Skittles I just bought him because there may be Oxycontin in them....

Then I thought better of it and figured it was best to keep my mouth shut and go to plan B.

He does not watch the news....I will confiscate the bags before he gets to them...hopefully...

Unless his friends watch the news...

And then I was thinking - will this make Skittles sale go down or up?

Or will it just level out?

My week ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 25, 2009 (via Facebook)

Residential moves will be hectic and may be unsatisfactory. Who's moving?

Don't make a move; your confusion has caused this dilemma and you are best to back away and reassess the situation. I am confused....

Your partner may push buttons that infuriate you. What partner????

Overindulgence may be a problem. Oh, really???

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Again? Well, I am not falling for it this time - $300 worth of "lucky lotto" tickets later and I am not feeling lucky....

I may be remiss..

I just wanted to let you know upfront that I may be a little less bloggy for the next couple of weeks.

In case you care why....

Peyton PHlace (no, not the Milk of Magnesia place, Bingo Betty) got extremely busy all of a sudden - at least for me. I need to release close to 300 documents by the end of August....which is not as easy as it sounds...

There are ECRs and DMRs and DCFs and ECOs and print files and source files for each...

And...if that is not enough...in my personal life as a Mom....well...are you ready for some football?

Because I am not. Meals to plans, checks to write, rosters and profiles and schedules to update and post; a messed up web to fix (yeah - I messed it up).

All before the first game on August 28th...

If you miss me - you can see what I am up to at http://southrebelfootball.com/

And Congrats to G-Man and three other well-deserving teammates on being elected Team Captains this past week! And NO - as some of the (non-elected) players thought - it is not just a title - there is actually work involved...

Go Rebs!!!

I am woman...

It's time....

...for a Peyton PHlaCe rant....you know you want one.

We have a new instant messenger program that works pretty well. I was chatting with a guy in another part of the building yesterday....

Me: Hey Jim, what is the part number of the doc you want me to release?

Him: Hold on.....

Me: I need it to pull a DCF to attach to a DMR for the ECO.

Him: Bare with me while I look it up...

Me: Hell, no. Just because I fell for it with the tick inspector from the health department....

On a positive note, I have been accomplishing a lot more of what I should be at work. At least I think I have.

But then again, I (and a few others) have been getting an onslaught of emails from various companies with tips for interviewing and good interviewing techniques. Think they know something about Peyton PHlaCe that we do not know?

I have learned that when I find myself start getting so frustrated that I feel the steam coming out my ears, it is time for a smoke break. What a great way to let off pent up frustration while making new friends, kissing up to the members of upper management who smoke, and gathering blog fodder.

Smoker1: Need to let off a little steam, Phillipia?

Me: You would not believe the day I am having. Some guy from the building A actually wanted me to get naked with him. Just because I asked him to look up a part number.

Smoker2: Is he blind?

Me: Hahaha.

Smoker1: Wonder if its the same guy that forgot to close the doors on the truck the other day. And then never saw the CT gantry roll off the back end.

Me: You're kidding, right????

Smoker2: Yeah, you know how they take the systems from this dock and move them to the building across the street and then put them on another truck over there to ship them to the hospitals?

Me: Yeah.....

Smoker1: Well this guy did not bother to shut the doors on the truck since he was just going across the street.

Smoker2: I guess he forgot the gantry was on rollers....

Smoker1: Half way down the road the thing rolls off the back...that gantry didn't get too far.

Smoker2: And he did not even see it roll off. When he got to the unloading dock across the street they asked where it was.

Smoker1: Damn thing was sitting in the road, blocking traffic.

Me: Did the covers stay on???

Smoker1: Haha funny...(inside joke)

SmokingManager: So when did you take up smoking Phillipia? (i.e., this is a smoking club and who invited you?)

Me: Umm...Uh...I'm just trying the second hand experience for awhile...

Let the anger out....

Saturday night I headed down to the Outpost in Kent to watch the battle of the bands featuring Dinosaurus Rex.

I do like Dinosaures Rex...a lot.

Especially the song K wrote for CareBear: "Leave me Alone." It's not what you think...really.

Dinosaurus Rex performed a great set.

I was totally unprepared for the next act tho'. They were good, too. Really good.

If you like death metal...and head banging...and screaming into the mic.

I do not mind it for a little bit...a short little bit.

I mean....what a great way to let loose of some pent up anger.

Reminded me of the first time I watched a high school lacrosse game. It was after a bad day at work and I was wishing I was out there on the field and the opponents were some of the Peyton PHlaCe phantoms.

But I digress...

What really bothered me Saturday was the violent headbanging of two of the death metal rockers. It literally hurt my neck just watching them. In fact I tried not to watch. I kept turning away. But then I was afraid that I would not be prepared when one of their heads flew off their neck and landed at my feet...

A few more shots and I will not even notice....

My Week Ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 18, 2009

You will be in an overly generous mood this week. With whose money...cuz I sure do not have any to give away.

Try to ease any disappointment by making amends. Amends for what???

Don't be too quick to respond to a plea for help. Like I said...no money to give; and I am already way overextended with my time.

Be prepared to meet new lovers through colleagues. Please NO....I CANNOT deal with another relationship right now...shit, I have not finished dealing with the last one:( I still have some of his shit around here.....

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Hmmm, maybe I should play Saturday's lotto instead of Friday's this week...

Better a few extra pounds...

So I took G-Man in for his sports physical last night.

As we are leaving the house together...

G-Man: Let's take separate cars, ok?

Me: Why??? You embarrassed to be seen with me?

G-Man: It's not that...I...uh...have plans afterward.

As I am driving there by myself I am thinking that I should have called and found out if I even needed to be there...I mean I paid up front and I signed all the forms....

But now I am there and look, so is half of the football team and their parents. Guess it is a good thing I showed so I would not once again be the bad mommy of the group. He's only 17 you know...

So as we leave and go our separate ways, I decide to hook up with a former neighbor to get some dinner.

As I am sitting there enjoying my terriyaki chicken sandwich with pineapple and onion rings and a tall Killian's Red, she is telling me about her latest predicament.

Her: I have been really eating healthy, Phillipia. I have been having toast or oatmeal for breakfast, tuna or grilled chicken for lunch and tomatos for dinner...

Me: Just tomatos?

Her: Well, with a lil olive oil and onion and basil.

Me: Just tuna?

Her: On a few crackers.

Me: I could not survive.

Her: Sure ya could. I have cut out beer and alcohol, too.

Me: Well that's gonna cut this evening short....

Her: I have lost 16 pounds since I last saw you.

Me: I can tell. You are looking good.

Her: Oh hell no I am not. Do not lie to me. Look at this skin hanging off my arms and under my chin. No one warned me about this...

Me: Okay, then...

Her: I'm telling you, this diet should come with a flab shrinker or something. Don't go on a diet, Phillippia, you look better with a few extra pounds than a lot of flabby skin.

No problem here...

A day late...

I hate it when people forward me bogus warnings without checking them out on snopes.com. I am sure I have probably done it a time or two myself - just to be on the safe side...but lately I have gotten a lot of them.

But this one I got today is real - I know - firsthand....

And it's important.

So please forward it to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your door saying they are with the health department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and insist that you take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air so they can check your body for ticks, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. And so does he...that'll teach him!

You're doing what????

I texted G-Man from my desk yesterday during a break in meetings....

Me: Hey, G-Man, what's happening?
G-Man: nm u
Me: Working. What time do you have to be at Mentor for football?
G-Man: 5:45
Me: You going by bus?
G-Man: Car.
Me: Want me to drive?
G-Man: No gtg ltr.

Well that did not satisfy the Mom in me , so I decided to use the phone for its god-given purpose and call him....

G-Man: Didn't we just have a text conversation?
Me: Hello to you too.
G-Man: Seriously, Mom. I'm busy. Can we talk later?
Me: Busy doing what?
G-Man: I gotta get a shower.
Me: Before football?
G-Man: I am going to the pool first...
Me: Okaaayyy...even less of a reason....
G-Man: I just got to, okay. I feel cruddy....
Me: .....
G-Man: There's a girl up there.
Me: So???
G-Man: I gotta go...see ya tonight...(Click)
Me: Thanks - I 'm having a good day, too.....

Anything to ease the pain....

In a recent study, it was shown that Swearing Makes pain More Tolerable...

I actually first heard about this study from my manager at fucking Peyton PHlaCE when she announced our department's new Leading to Win strategy.

This makes my fucking life so much easier to fucking handle...

I can now look forward to ...

... long-ass project meetings with bastard project managers and not having to keep all that anger pent up - hurting me inside. I can feel my ulcer healing already.

...to the next swearing match between G-Man and myself knowing that it is best to let the anger and hurt out....fuck all the damned cop-calling neighbors...and the ass-hole social services creeps. I have a word or two for them.

...to football games and dealing with blind M-F-ing refs and cheating big-ass opponents trying to hurt my baby. If they even try to throw my ass out, I'll just whip out the aforementioned study. That'll show 'em.

Swearing my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Think my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor will pick up on that?

You're off the charts Phillipia - you should set your goal higher....

No fucking problem....

Mom, I need your $30 today....

Oh yeah...

Not sure why I promised to buy that lotion from G-man last week, except maybe I was feeling a lil sorry for him.

Not sure which coach thought this fundraiser was a good idea, but he had the entire football team selling Victoria Secret bath products. He insisted they make a list of 30 people who would want to support the football program and then sat them down in a room to make the calls.

Hi, this is G-man and ...
Hey, G-man, how's it going? Getting ready for football?
Yeah, about that....how would you like to help the team?
You guys having another car wash?
Uh, no. Someone called the police last year ....
You're kidding.... Some people ....
We're selling Victoria Secret this year.
Alright...what's ya got?
Shower Gel and Lotion...
What????
Five Scents to Choose From....
Hey - I gotta go...my kids wanna use the phone...the line is breaking up...the dog just ran out in the street...I have food on the stove...the house is on fire....

Rest in Peace, Momma Cat

I am feeling a little guilty...but just a little.

After all, it is not my fault that Michael Jackson met his maker before his time and helped me out in Pa Rock's dead pool.

And it really is not my fault that my Bay Buddy's cat decided to pick this week to use up her ninth life...

Even if just last weekend we were discussing the chances of that happening in the near future ...

And tho my Bay Buddy was thinking she should start looking for a mouser cat to help Momma cat in her domestic duties, she was not quite sure Momma was ready to share her space - even as I insisted that I had the perfect addition to her household.

Now mind you I did not rush Not Sweetie (aka, my unwanted cat who I offered to watch for 2 weeks - that was in February and it is still here) over to Bay Buddy's home immediately upon Momma's death.

I did offer condolences while gently reminded her that I had the perfect solution to her problem.

And I gave her the usual three days to mourn. I waited patiently until last night - after three full days had past.

Then I visited with a couple of presents - one in a carrier and one in a bottle. As we drank White Zin on her deck, I let Not Sweetie be her sweet entertaining self until Bay Buddy fell in love.

I was almost out of there when Not Sweetie showed her true not so sweet side and started hissing and teasing the resident house cat. Seem she does not play quite as well with others as I had Bay Buddy believing.

But I am sure it will all work out.

And if it doesn't, I am confident that Bay Buddy's better (or at least other) half has plenty of ways to handle the situation....

As for me, let me share what I have learned from this whole cat sitting experience...

I will never, ever again, offer to sit anyone's pet unless I am totally convinced that I would want to keep and care for said pet until the end of time in the off chance that the owner did not return for said pet...

It could happen....
....only to me...

Bay Memories

Last weekend a friend and I spent a couple of days relaxing at Put-in-Bay. As always, it is a good time.

On our last trip I learned that I do not want to buy drinks while waiting for the Jet Express to take us across the Lake. So this year...well, let's just say we left a trail of lemon slices from the ferry parking lot to the dock. Those lil bottles of Jose and white zin can sure kick start a vacation...

I have a couple of favorite bay stories...

Last year, I actually had the opportunity to make it up on stage with The Menus at the Beer Barrel Saloon. I did manage to bring home a tambourine from that night...not really sure if it was meant to be a souvenir from the band, but hey...they let me off the stage with it ...

Quite a few years back, I was camping at the bay during the annual Wasted on Wine Weekend. The itinerary for the weekend included (but not limited to) being Blitzed at the Barrel, Loaded at Lonz, Hammered at Heidemans and Crashed at the CampSite. After getting blitzed a few of us headed over to a house where some other friends were staying. One friend in particular was not back from blitzing yet. So we decided - since he was not there to host - we would find his bottle of Jose and help ourselves to a couple of shots (each). We put the bottle back where we found it and then rearranged his room a little. The next day, on the ferry to Lonz, we met up with the missing host. He was looking dazed and confused. Apparently he drank much more than he remembered the night before (he couldn't believe he only had a half bottle of Jose left) and woke up on the floor that morning since his bed was not where he left it and he could not find the light switch to look for it...

And while I was sharing these stories with a friend at work, she told me her own story. Apparently she met her husband at the bay.

Her: So how long are you here for?
Him: Just the weekend.
Her: Where are you staying?
Him: On a boat.
Her: Oh, awesome. A sailboat?
Him: No, a canoe. In my friend's grandma's garage. There were no rooms left on the island.

Peyton PHlaCe...My Office Inbox is full....

Geez, could it be because I am so popular? NOT!!!

Yesterday morning I received an email from someone in our lighting division. It was an empty email with just his business card attached.

And that is when the fun started....

Email...after email...after email...all day long...and into this morning....

Congratulations....you have sent this email to everyone in the world who works for Peyton...Now what do you want? (just to say hi...let everyone know I am here)

Why did you send this to me???? (why not???)

Please STOP replying to ALL - you are flooding my inbox.... (what - you don't like email???)

Will everyone QUIT replying to all.... (that goes for you, too, buddy)

If you must answer, quit replying to ALL!!! (I couldn't find the reply to SOME option)

Please take me out of this email list!!! (what - you don't want to work here no more???)

When you reply to all, you are flooding everyone in Peyton's inbox...(slowing down the system, am I?)

And of course, each of the senders above replied to all:)

But the best....

Dear originalsender@PeytonLighting.com, you forgot forgotten.someomeone@PeytonIS.com Please forward... (to ALL!!!)

I'm Back...

In case you noticed that I was gone...

I did not intend to be MIA for the last few days - I just got busy.

• Busy enjoying the Willoughby fireworks display Sunday evening.
• Busy having fun and relaxing with a friend at Put-in-Bay Sunday and Monday.
• Busy catching up on laundry and bills and my day job yesterday.
• Busy baking for an AHA bake sale and then meeting with Moms last night to plan football meals.

Lest you think I am related to SuperMom, let me tell you that my idea of baking is purchasing tubs of Philadelphia Brand Cheesecake Filling, mixing in some Nestle brand mini chocolate morsels, and spreading the mixture into Keebler Graham Cracker Pie crusts...easy and yummy:)


And the busy-ness is not going to stop any time soon....

• This morning I am up early to package the homemade desserts and do a load of laundry.
• Tonight I hope to swim for an hour after work and then head to Akron to see Dinosaur Rex play at the Getaway Pub. Hope to see CareBear and LDBoy there:)
• Tomorrow after work I am headed to Baldwin-Wallace College to watch G-Man play in a 7 on 7 football thingy...
• This weekend I need to catch up on the Rebel football web...the season is nearly upon us with camp days and planning and all the pre-season hype ...

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Of course if I was independent of all this debt I am in, I could have a much happier day...but I digress.

At least the overcast skies have been replaced with clear blue and sunshine today:) I am about to take advantage of that and head up to the pool in a bit. Exercise and vitamin D all in one - what could be better. And just maybe there will be some eye candy up there for me...

I am a goddess...

Really....

Actually, I may finally be getting to do something I like to do at work...something I am actually half-way decent at and that I can do knowing that someone else is not doing it at the same time and thus making my efforts a waste of time...

Since right after I started at Peyton PHlaCe, seven years now, I have been coordinating the translation of user documents and, more recently, the total product localization, including User Interface. This whole product localization concept is relatively new in the Peyton PHlaCe world.
And it costs a lot of money. And management does not want to spend lots of money for anything. Management wants more, faster, cheaper, and of the utmost quality - like the rest of the product....yeah....uh-huh...that's right.

Well, I do not do such a good job at that...apparently. And to tell you the truth, I am pretty tired of trying. I have found myself having a harder and harder time going into the office each day. You probably could never tell that by reading this blog, but it is true.

Anyway, that may change. I think I have actually, finally convinced my bosses (yeah, I have two) that I could do something else much better. Something else that no one else in the group likes to do, but that I actually enjoy. I am weird like that.

It seems there was a meeting today with everyone in our group except me (because I was not invited - not because I just decided not to show). After the meeting, throughout the day, several co-workers approached me and asked for help releasing their documents since I was now the department ECO goddess per our boss.

Hmmm, that's news to me, but I like it.

I will be printing business cards this weekend. As soon as I finish designing my goddess logo.

Roast this...

I get out of writing a post today...

My good friend and blogging buddy Winky Twinky has honored me with a roast on her blog.

So I am going to send you there, right now....

'Cuz it's good....I'm just Sayin'

So I'm done (pun intended) for the day:)

Thanks, Winky Twinky.

I owe ya:)

Peyton PHlaCe...Gotta love the open office

I think some guys at the office actually believe that we all want to hear all their conversations....

No matter what they are shouting about....

It makes ya wonder - do these guys even know how to whisper???

It is hard to imagine them having a bedroom conversation...

Their kids are surely scarred for life...

A lap is a lap is a lap...

Last evening was fairly productive compared to most of my evenings...

I meant to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but realized when I was in my drive that I missed the store...

So I needed to rethink my evening....

Since I was already home, I grabbed my swimsuit and headed to Bally's because it was too cool to swim in the complex pool.

I should have hit the grocery store first - for a couple of reasons.

I was getting hungry. And I tend to get testy when I am hungry - doesn't everyone???

Anyway, as I headed into the pool area I notice that 2 of the 3 lap lanes are open and there is a gentleman in the loafer's lane doing some arm work. So I instinctively head to an open lap lane. And I lap, not the speed laps or breast stroke laps, but a walk/jog/walk lap. Still a lap. And as usual, someone sporting a 6-pack and compression shorts (really compressed to show his package) suggests that I share the loafer lane so he can do his speed laps. OK, so what - your speed laps are more important than my laps. Or is your time more important than my time that you cannot wait your turn...Thanks to you, effer, I had to add a few more laps to work out my frustration at not having the guts to say that out loud...but someday....

After Bally's I ran a couple other errands before I headed to the grocery store. I went to the bank and deposited checks so my bill payments would not bounce, then I filled my car up with gas, and then I went grocery shopping.

By that time I was reallly hungry. Uh-oh. They had three tubs of cheesecake batter left - better get them all and graham cracker crusts to put that mix in - oh and mini chocolate chips to swirl in there just for added feel goodness. This is an awesome AHA bake sale idea - just as long as I do not crave it too bad before next week. otherwise, i will have to work from home that day because I will have nothing to bring to the bake sale...

I did get some bananas and celery and carrots at the store too. I was craving my fruits and veggies after grabbing that cheesecake batter.

I headed home to whip up some cheesecake and other goodies I had been hoarding. I figured if I made the cheesecake for me, I better make something G-man likes - like chocolate pudding pie:) I figured I had a good two hours before he got home from work expecting the shrimp and pierogi dinner I had promised him - WRONG!!! His car was in the drive and he was anxiously waiting at the table for a rare home-cooked meal.

But I did not let that deter me...I told him it would be awhile because I was not expecting him so early. I had him invite Amy over and go pick her up. That gave me time (cuz Amy is pretty damn slow at getting ready to go anywhere - God love her) to make cheesecake, 7-layer bars, and chocolate pudding pie, shell and cook the shrimp, saute the pierogis and get dinner on the table. Yay me!

That is pretty much my home-cooking for the month. Everything else in Mother Phillipia's cupboards are self-serve:)

After dinner I took a few hours to blog, chat on facebook, send some emails, and update the football web...

An open letter to Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags...

Dear Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags,

I cannot thank you enough.

You are my bag of choice for taking out the trash.

You do not leak; you do not rip.

You have saved my sanity...more than once.

Phillipia

An Open Letter to Tide...

Dear Tide:

Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!

You are a truly awesome product.

I have used you all my life...my mom swore by you, and now I do, too.

In fact, I like you more as I age. Believe it ot not, I am in my fifties (note to self - write to Dove soon).

About a month ago, one of my ass-hole exes dropped by to pick up some of his stuff. While he was here, I happened to spill some of the red wine I was drinking on my new white blouse. He started to insinuate that I may have a drinking problem and suggested I get some help.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse, too! I grabbed a bottle of you (with your bleach alternative) and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the nice (hot) detective who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. A few minutes after the detective left, I got a call from my attorney. He informed me that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my ex.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without having to deal with that shit. My exes are always disappearing. I think this one may be gone for good.

Thank you, once again, for being so awesome at what you do.

Phillipia

Secret affairs?

It is Sunday and time to read my weekly horoscope and see what the stars have in store for me this week...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning June 27, 2009

Secret affairs may be tempting. Hell, any affair would be tempting right now...

You will be ready to jump on anyone who gets in the way of your progress this week. I am ready to jump on anyone...

Plan to get out and do a bit of travel. Key word there is "plan" - but otherwise, right on target...PIB, here I come.

Property investments, insurance, tax rebates, or inheritance should bring you financial gains. Well, unless my condo is going to go up in value drastically or someone or something destroys it or my car this may be off base...because anyone who I know has absolutely nothing to leave me in the wake of their untimely demise...

Your lucky day this week will be Monday. Wow, a reason to look forward to a Monday:)

May we have your attention please....

I had just settled into my workday - finally got my computer booted up and was enjoying my second cup of coffee....

Atten !!!! Atten...sion!!

Yesssss????

May we have your ....
This is a safety announcement.....

Yeeeeessss???? So are we suppose to leave the building or what? Is it safer inside or out? C'mon man - we obviously should be doing something besides sitting here waiting for you to spit it out...

...water main break...boil alert...do not drink the water...do not use the tap water for coffee...

It was a SSCOON* moment througout the office.
And then from a someone who obviously had not had enough coffee yet...

What about the water in the toilets?

What about it? You don't usually drink that do you?

*simultaneously shooting coffee out our noses

A sad week in Hollywood...

...unless you are participating in Pa Rock's Dead Pool!!!

Earlier this week it was Ed McMahon of Tonight Show and Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Fame. Damn, I guess I will never get my money now.

Then there was Farrah Fawcett. I am sorry I wished you dead when my ex could not take his eyes off of you long enough to ...oh nevermind...it all seems so trivial now....

But Michael Jackson, thank you, for getting me into the 6-way tie in Pa Rock's Dead Pool.

Seriously, I did not wish the demise of any of these celebrities. My sympathies to their families and friends. To MJ's alleged victims, I hope this brings you some peace.

R.I.P.

Now who else is on my list???? ....just kidding....