It has been a busy week...

Worked Sunday  - Thursday Morning...


Then took off for a girls' weekend:)


With...


A lil Wine....


A lot of cheese....


Some shrimp pizza....


Canoli...


Hot Tub Time....


Lots of movies....


Sight seeing...


Picking out houses whose owners we intended to befriend...


Looking for "the one" ....


He may be hot....


He may be rich.....


He is single....


He may be old and/or ugly and rich....


He may travel a lot for business....


We just want to live in his house...

Sitting in the hot tub on the deck....
Overlooking the lake....
Taking in the view....

He drives a big truck...


With a lot of power...


So much power we could not seem to catch up with him...


Or any of his friends....


WTF, slow down...


We just want to get to know ya...

So why am I not thin????

Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk

The week that was....

I just realized that it has been a week since I last posted....

And since one of my New Year's resolutions was to post more often - at least once a week...

And since, for once in my life, I would like to keep at least one of my effin resolutions...

I am here to post...

Which begs the question...

Why did I not post at all last week?

You really probably do not want to know...

But here it is...

I am still in a really grumpy mood....

The feeling sorry for myself kind of grumpy mood....

I need to get my life back on track...
Get a plan in place and stick with it....
Ride my bike more often...
Lose some of that ugly fat I have accumulated over the last few years...
Quit feeding my depression with food and shopping....
Quit spending and start saving....
Meet someone to share my life with...

You know the winter blah grumpy mood that does not make for good humor writing...

I have been taking my good old time getting out of it this year...

Hopefully something or someone will kick my butt out of this soon...

In the meantime, thanks to FishHawk over at As the Cracker Head Crumbles for including me in his Sunday Drive this week...

Check him out...

When I was a kid...

First, a disclaimer...


I cannot take credit for this...


But thanks to CoachRick for forwarding this to me....


He cannot take credit either, but he did forward it...


It is just too funny not to share...


So I am sharing...

Adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were:

When I was growing up...
I had to walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill...
Barefoot...
BOTH ways...
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself....

 When I grow up, there is no way in hell I am going to lay a bunch of crap like this on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of ....

I cannot help but look around and notice the youth of today.

And I have to say...

You've got it so easy!

Compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! I had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then I had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends had permission to kick our ass, too! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If I wanted to steal music, I had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it myself!

Or I had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and eff it all up!

There were no CD players! I had a tape deck in my first car. I'd play my favorite tape and then try to eject it; try being the key word, because most of the time the tape would come all undone and that was the last time I heard that song for awhile...

I never had Call Waiting either! If I was on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, end of story!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If I left the house, I just didn't make a damn call or receive one. Out of the house meant out of touch...with everyone....

And Caller ID had not been not invented yet! When the phone rang, we had no idea who it was! It could be our school, our parents, our boss, our bookie, our drug dealer, the collection agent. We just had to pick it up and take our chances...

We had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! We were screwed when it came to channel surfing! We had to get off our ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! We could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! 

My parents told me to stay outside and play... all day long. And if I came back inside I was doing chores - lots of chores!

And car seats....Oh, please! Mom threw us in the back seat and we hung on. If we were lucky, we got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last second if Mom had to stop too fast; and if our head hit the dashboard, well that was our own fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

Thanks again CoachRick....

For helping me remind our kids just how good they have it....

Faded memories....

The triple tragedy in Japan dislodged this life changing memory...

At my previous job...

For a company that wrote banking software...

Before Peyton PHlaCe...

Several years ago....

In September 2011 to be more exact....

I was preparing to train some coworkers on some of the finer points of Microsoft Office...

We had one conference room in this office.

It was pretty nice...

Several computer stations and a big screen t.v....

I was just getting ready to set it up for my training session...

It was a little before 9:00 AM on Sept 11th....

When, as you know, everything went to shit....

Suddenly the conference room was chaos....

People running in and out, watching the events unfold and  frantically trying to get in touch with relatives, friends, and clients who lived/worked in NY.

Everyone was an  emotional wreck...

I naturally canceled my training...

Or tried to...

My boss did not understand...

Work must go on she told me....

OMG...these people do not NEED this training to do their job...

It was something SHE insisted they learn...

I tried to reason with her that they were in no frame of mind to learn...

Nor I to teach...

I ended up having to flat out refuse to hold the class...

I was not going to shut off the tv and kick everyone out of the room....

Obviously she did not have friends/relatives living in NY...

Or compassion for those who did....

Or so I thought....

A couple of days later, suddenly, she becomes very compassionate...

She set up numerous fund raisers to help the victims of 911...

And she insisted on 100% participation....

She developed ongoing 50-50 office bingo...

While we were supposed to be working....

Winning numbers were being announced every few seconds by email...

The winner "won" 50% of the total amount collected to participate...

The other 50% went to some designated charity...

And most of the time the winner's share went to the charity too because they were shamed into it...

Too bad I never won - I would have kept my share...

Just because I do not like to be shamed into charity...

Another one of her great ideas that month was a sweater sale...

Her used - unwanted sweaters...

All profits go to 911 victims...

Unfortunately the lady had a really bad, really noticeable dandruff problem....

 So the sweaters were not only unwanted by her....

They were unwanted...

Being my boss, she assigned me the task of organizing this sale...

I flat out refused....

Notice a pattern here???

I am not a good employee....

She found another underling who was a little more cooperative....

And who bought most of the sweaters herself....

I am pretty sure I noticed them in the trash bin on the way out that evening....

But I digress....

I have a late September birthday....

I had heard rumors that this boss was known to give good presents to her employees...

And take them to awesome places to lunch...

I had bad feelings about this...

I did not want to go to lunch with her....

Especially since the last birthday girl had the privilege of sharing an afternoon at the spa with this lady....

I do not do spas....

At least not with people I do not like...

I am not pretty in a towel...

And I am pretty sure she is not either....

But I was lucky...

No spa day for me...

The events of 911 saved me from that....

On my birthday, she presented me with a check in front of the entire staff....

A check  for  $50 made out to the charity of the day....

Everyone clapped and thanked me and wished me a happy birthday....

And I smiled and proceeded to my desk to send a thank you note to my boss....

Thank you for your generous gift.  I know your birthday is next month and I hope you understand that I have a  rule about not buying coworkers gifts...
Not for birthdays....
Not for holidays...
Not ever....

And then I proceeded to update my resume....

You are probably thinking that I am a pretty selfish bitch about now....

I really am not...

I do give to charities...

But I prefer to give what I want to give...

To who I want...

When I want....

I do not appreciate being conned or shamed into it...

Especially in the work place...

Facebook Freddy...

This is a story about a friend...


A Facebook friend that is...


This friend and I supposedly were in the same grade at the same St. Hell Mary grade school...


I am taking his word for that...


I sort of remember someone in my class with his name...


Facebook Freddy...


Ok, that's not his real name because there was no Facebook way back then...


But I'll call him that here ...


Just because I can...


I sure as hell have no good memory of what Freddy looked like back in 2nd grade...


Tho' I sort of remember being in Sr. Mary Principal's office with this kid who may have been Freddy; he was getting smacked around because apparently after his First Confession Fr.Celibate got up and walked right out of the church mumbling something about being done with this priesthood shit...


I never did find out what the kid confessed to...



Anyway...


Facebook Freddy sent me a friend request awhile back when the St. Hell Mary class of WayBackWhen started to organize a reunion...


Freddy was one of many friendships I re-established from grade school over the last few months due to this reunion thingy....


I have to admit, I was and am still a little wary of some of these so-called  friend requests...


I was not the most popular kid in school...


In fact, I was on the total opposite end of popular...


When kids in school acted like they wanted to be my friend...


Well, they usually didn't...


I was most likely being set up as the butt of some joke...


In fact, I was the butt of so many jokes growing up, that I know have a very big ...


But I digress...


Whatever kind of kid FacebookFreddy was way back when, he seems to have matured into...


Well, maybe he hasn't matured...


I really do knot know him other than on Facebook...


But he is one of my more likable friends on Facebook...


Right up there with my kids...


Who keep threatening to delete me because I "Like" them too much....


But that's a story  for another post...


Back to Freddy...


Who I do not know other than on Facebook...


That is important here...


Not that I haven't thought that I might like to get to know him other than on Facebook...


But you know that whole grade school butt joke thing still has a grip ....


So Freddy, from his FB postings anyway, did not seem to have a steady GF...


In fact, he had just posted an ad seeking a sugar momma...


Hmmm....


And Freddy makes no secret about his love for BEER....it's always beer-thirty somewhere...


And he does seem to know how to have a good time...


Apparently, too good of a time....


Suddenly, about a week or so ago, Freddy changed his FB relationship status to "engaged"...


Freddy?????


Engaged????


Well, congrats, I guess....

Oh, she's having his baby...
The rabbit died....
Gotta do the right thing....
Someone he has been seeing a while...

I can understand...


I know what it's like to have a good time and not quite remember of all the details the next day...


But it seems strange that none of his other Facebook friends seem to know this girl ...


I assume most of his other Facebook  friends actually do know him outside of Facebook ...


But I could be wrong....


I have been wrong a couple of times before in my life...


Apparently his relationship with this "someone" was suddenly being renewed with vigor...


Or a shotgun....


The date is set...


April 1st...


We're all invited...


.......


And that's when the light came on....


Now I remember Freddy....


He was an ass...


And still is....


But a likable one at that...


BTW, does anyone know what the protocol is in a situation like this...


If presents have been bought already, Freddy claims that are no take-backs...


But that gift-boxed bottle of Jose sitting on my dining room table is calling my name...

It's all fun and games til...

I spent an enjoyable Friday evening with LDBoy and MGirl and CareBear ...


Well, mostly enjoyable anyway...


The food was awesome...


A home cooked meal I did not have to help cook or cleanup after....


And cake for dessert....


And then it was tv time....


And that is when the fun started to get a lil shaky...


At first things were ok...


We watched a couple of DVRd sitcoms that I had not seen...


Then we spent a few minutes trying to agree on what movies to watch...


When snakes on a plane was mentioned my first reaction was "no way in hell" followed by "maybe I should just leave now"...


But everyone else started making jokes about it and mimicking lines from it...


Until somehow I got the impression that it was a national lampoon type movie...

This could be fun....


WRONG....


I HATE scary movies...


And there is absolutely NOTHING funny about snakes on a plane...


No matter how fake they look or how unbelievable the whole thing is....


What was I thinking????


After that fiasco was over, they wanted to watch Best of Show....


Which none of them had seen, but they heard was hilarious...


At this point I did not trust their judgement anymore...


What do the dogs do????


Do they start attacking the trainers???


Do they turn into werewolves???


The whole movie I kept waiting for something bad (as in alien bad)  to happen...


Thankfully, I was disappointed...


But, needless to say, I will not be jumping on a plane anytime soon...

Top 'o the mornin' to ya....

I have been thinking all week about what I would post today...

I am part Irish on my Mom's side, so I can honestly wear the "Kiss me...I'm Irish"  apparel...

If I had any....

Or if I wanted slobbery kisses from green beer drinking wannabe leprechauns....

At one point I did want those kisses....

Or at least I thought I did...

It was not too long after my big D from the Asshole Ex....

I was feeling unloved and ugly and unappreciated...

And I was out to remedy that...

I could drink and have fun with the rest of the world...

Or at least I could try....

And what better day to try than St. Patty's Day....

Or so I thought....

I would like to tell you all about it....

But I do not remember too much after about 7:00 AM that day....

I am probably better off not remembering too much...

I have heard stories...

Stories that should make me cringe...

And hide my head (and other parts) in shame...

But, hey, it was all in fun...

And with the best group of friends I could ask for at the time...

We let each other be who we needed to be...

And watched out for each other ...

Sort of...

I think...

But since I cannot share with you the memories of that fun time..

Let me share with you, my blogger friends, one of my favorite Irish toasts...

When we drink, we get drunk.

When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Join the Fun

Just call me grumpy this week....

I have been in a crappy mood most of the week...

I keep thinking I should blog, but seeing as this is mostly  a humor blog...

I have not been able to keep myself amused long enough to write a post...

I think I am just SAD...

Some sunshine and warmer temps might help considerably...

Or a getaway to a tropical paradise...

With a hot guy...

And a cold drink...

Maybe even several cold drinks...

One guy is probably enough...

Hell, one guy is more than enough...

I have enough trouble trying to find and keep one....

What would I do with more than one????

But lots of drinks....

It's Ash Wednesday....

My Mom sent me an email to remind me that it is Ash Wednesday ...


I sent her an email reminding her that I no longer practice...


Not looking forward to that next email....

What college life does not prepare you for....

G-Man is on Spring break this week...


At home...


He cannot afford to go on a lavish spring break getaway...


And I cannot afford to send him on one.....


So he is stuck hanging out in his home town with his hometown friends....


Which he seems to thoroughly enjoy...


So I guess it is a getaway of sorts...


Away from eating college cafeteria food...


And doing his own laundry...


Jesus Christ, the kid has a lot of laundry....


I know he did it once this week already...


But he still brought home at least 4 loads...


Not counting bedding....


How can any one person wear that many clothes or use that many towels in a few day span?????


And then not understand why he (or better yet, for him, I) cannot get it all done within a couple hours after he throws it into the laundry room....


This is not college pal...


Mom only has one washer and one dryer....


And when you ram everything into that one washer...


It rebels...


And tries to walk across the basement floor....


Looking for the nearest exit...


Spewing water and suds every time it bounces the lid open.....


Yeah, in the real world, laundry takes a little while....


Deal with it....


Or....


There is that laundry mat up the road with 55 washers and dryers....


Of course there you get to sit and twiddle your thumbs while waiting....


And then when you drop the basket of clean clothes in the puddle on the way out....


Because your room is not just down the hall like it is at school...


You get to start all over....

#600...but I need my coffee first....

Yay me, it is my 600th post....

And what am I posting about to celebrate?

One of the 4 major food groups....

Coffee....

And how good it is for me....

Yes, I do drink at least 5 to 6 cups a day....

Especially after a night of 5 or 6 drinks....



And now new studies show that it is good for me to drink this much coffee....

Coffee's hidden health benefits

Not just to wake me up....

Or just to feed my caffeine addiction...

But to keep me from getting, uh...

Where did I set that cup of coffee?

Who is Phillipia?

I am going to leave Charlie Sheen alone....

Unlike many of my blogger friends who have joined in on the Charlie Sheen bashing....


I an going to leave him alone....


After all, he is a fucking Adonis...


He is a Bi-Winner...


Just let him have his fun...


But if you want to read some good old-fashoned bashing...


Here is a link....

Strange weather this weekend....

Friday pretty much all the schools in the area were closed because of blizzard like conditions.


We got a good 8-inches here in Willoughby....


And I got a good sized snow drift blocking me in the house...


Unless of course I wanted to shovel my way out....


Which I didn't....


I checked the weather and figured the rains fore-casted for Sunday would take care of that drift...


What I didn't count on was getting a massive sinus headache from being holed up inside with the heat cranking away....


And being out of sinus medicine...


So I had to shovel through that drift early Sunday...


Before it had a chance to melt away...


But it was so worth it...


The hammers in my head have subsided...


Now it only the thunder and lightning and wind and pounding rain would subside...


I would like to get a couple hours of sleep before the alarm signals the start of the work week...

We have your funny...

My Absolute Favorite Blogging Community is back online....


Visit all my favorite humor bloggers...


At Humor Bloggers dot com


We have your funny:)

I have a new friend...

A new blogger friend, anyway...


But I will take a friend anyway I can get one:)


Check out the Fisher of Stories.


I like his stories....


I think you will, too.


By the way, Fisher of stories has an Itunes giveaway going on at his place:)


I am not just blogging for the giveaway, either...


I really like his stories...


But I could use the Itunes gift card...


It's make a good basket stuffer:)

How Active am I?

I have a bad habit of losing the Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor...


I have written about this glorified pedometer in previous posts...


When I find them I will link to them....


Anyway, I found it this morning sitting on my dresser where I put it after I found it in the dryer last Sunday...


So I plugged it in to charge it up and check on my progress....


Last Sunday was a good day!


I met my goal....


Twice...


Once during the wash cycle...


And again during the dry cycle:)


Yesterday, I met 31% of my goal....


While the thing was sitting on my dresser...


Alone, all day....


Untouched by me...


Was there an earthquake in NE Ohio that I missed?


Or maybe my neighbors were doing some home remodeling while I was away....


Or maybe the other neighbors were testing the limits of their indoor trampoline...


Anyway.....


Now instead of it looking like I just forgot to wear the damn thing...


It looks like I had an incredibly lazy day...


Which maybe I did....


But Peyton PHlaCe does not need to know that.



Now instead of

Happy Presidents' Day!

Thank you Abe and George for an extra day this weekend.


Although, rumor has it that you can and did tell a lie about that cherry tree, George.


But that's ok...


I still appreciate the day off...


And honestly Abe, you could stand to lighten up a bit...


On that note, let me share a tidbit I found while browsing the web....

A man was sitting at the bar during a costume party when someone went up to him and said, “Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?" 
The man said, “I am.”
The other guy said, “You look like Abe Lincoln.”
The man said, “That’s right. My last 4 scores were 7 years ago.”

I can relate....

I do not think so.....

As I was browsing the news at lunchtime, I came across this article:

Doctor says drug can rekindle that loving feeling



I remember what a similar labor inducing drug made me feel 19+ years ago...



No way is this drug going to make me want to cuddle with anyone....

It may make me scream at, swear at, and punch the guy that knocked me up...

Or any guy in the near vicinity.....

But, trust me....

No way is it going to make me want to cuddle...

With anyone...

Just saying....