But he loves me....

I had breakfast with my Mom today and she was telling me about a friend of hers who has met a wonderful man who lives in Nigeria.

My Mom's friend is in her 80's and confined to a wheel chair, so she is pretty excited to have found a 50 something good looking Nigerian who wants to marry her and take care of her...

He has the rings...he cannot wait to give them to her, but first he needs some money to take care of a sick relative so said relative will be ok when he leaves for the US. $50K should cover it...

No problem. My Mom's friend had at least that much equity in her house so she has taken out a home equity loan and sent her savior the much needed $50K. He should be on his way soon...

Ah, but his sick relative suddenly had a turn for the worse. He cannot leave said relative in such dire straits. Another $50K will cover everything.

Will your bank let you borrow the money. I will repay you as soon as I get to the states. I love you so much. I cannot believe I have found such a wonderful woman to live the rest of my life with.

It took some doing, but the bank reluctantly allowed Mom's friend to borrow the money. Mom and the FBI tried to talk her friend out of this. They tried to tell her it was a scam.

You are all just jealous. John Kevin loves me and is going to take care of me. It is my money and I can do what I want with it. If you cannot be happy for me, I do not want anything more to do with you...unless you have $25K that I can borrow to help my lover come to the US...

John Kevin????? Could it be the same John Kevin who tried to get $1200 out of moi last year to get through Nigerian customs because he was dying to meet me??? Come on John...at least change your name as you move from scam to scam. So far you have been (1) a hot blonde god, (2) a tall, dark and handsome hunk, and now (3) a dredlock wearing not so hot Nigerian. And each time you have lost your wife in a terrible car accident...oh the tragedy of it all. But you and your son will survive - with a little help from the next love of your life...

$125K so far...omg...what a fool believes...

Wedding Invitation...

If there ever was a wrong reason to go to a wedding...

I take that back...this does not stack up anywhere near to Wedding Crashers, but in every day (not the movies) life, this is pretty good.

Count me in...

A Peyton PHlaCe co-worker employs an Amish cleaning lady (yeah said co-worker must make lots more than I do) - an OCD Amish cleaning lady, but that would make this post crazy long and I have other things I should be doing, so I'll leave that for some other day...

Anyway, said co-worker received a wedding invite from her cleaning lady...

• I am getting married next month. Alright...now you can get rid of that embarrassing last name "Lapp" and my husband can quit making jokes...
• I am marrying my neighbor, Amos Lapp. ...or come up with a whole new set of jokes...
• I would like you and your husband to be at my wedding. Oh lord, how can I politely say no; we will be soooo out of place; I do not own a bonnet....
• It is on a Tuesday. Awww, tuesday is a work day in non_amish country...damn...and I so wanted to be there...
  
• ...in the late evening.....wonder how late i have to work that Tuesday...
• ...at my parents home in Amishville. Ah...a small family wedding then - maybe we can handle this.
• We only invited about 650 people. Scratch that.
• They say to only expect half to show up...geez, only half of the county?...damn...and "they" being who????...the other half???
• We are putting tents up in case it rains... ya mean we won't all fit in your house???? how many outhouses are the men constructing???
• We have trained the goats to be gentle...gentle??? at what????
• So will you be there? ...Wouldn't miss it for the world...care if I bring a friend? a nun - she needs some fodder...I mean material...I mean she loves weddings...
  

Guilty!!!!

...til proven innocent...that's my my new motto!

My very very strict Catholic up bringing taught me to believe everything anyone told me...

If there is any tongue in that kiss you are going straight to hell, young lady! (Can I have tongue in hell?)

Yeah, I've heard it all....

• Honey, I want to try again...just let's not tell anyone, ok? ooookaaay - it will be our little secret that you are screwing me and my best friend and her mother...
• How about I live in the basement so I can be here when you need me. Sure hon...that way you can get what you need from whore bitch next door in our house so she can get away from her uptight husband and ...geez, do I look that much like a fucktard...don't answer that.
• She left me...with all the bills. But you like Bill...
  
• I'm not married..technically. Say what????
• I want to come see you but I lost my plane ticket. Flap your arms...
• I'm on the next bus. ...to god knows where.
• If only I wasn't stuck in customs...I would be there with you...Customize this, asshole!
• I feel something special between us...Keep it to yourself, buddy!
• I didn't write cuz I didn't know what to say. "Hello" would have been good for starters...
• It wasn't my fault...I swear to God...and on my mother's grave...You're right...it's all my fault...for being so difficult...I'm soooo sorry...
• I found myself at the bottom of a river but managed to get the cement shoes off ...Damn, good help is sooo hard to find...
• I will never ask you for money, ever! ...unless you really really really need it
• I will never hurt you, ever! That didn't hurt - much...I can grow a new heart.
• Expect something from me next week. Dear John, ...
• I'm on a mission from God...okay, I haven't quite heard that one yet, but any day now..
  

But Phillipia is turning over a new habit...

From this day forward, every guy I meet will automatically be classified as "jerk" until proven otherwise....proven not promised...

Yeah... it has only taken me 35 years to come to this realization. For the first 16 years of my life, the nuns kept the boys away from me. In their convent closet, but away...

Where are the nuns when I need them????

Hold on, I'll be right back - I just need to grab something from my closet...

We have a talker...

Yeah, we got a new worker in the office this week...Our boss hired a paid intern because she does not count as a head - hmmm, somehow that does not make sense, but then I do get confused easily...

But she does have one - a head that is, with a mouth...

Yeah she's a talker...to herself..to anyone who will listen...

Oh, sorry. Did not realize you had headphones on...but now that you don't...

Actually InternGirl seems pretty nice. It is probably just a case of new office jitters that makes her want to tell us in detail, step by step, what she is doing as she is doing it....

Or maybe she read my ranting FML instant messages to her cubemate and figured she'd better keep communicating...

Who is this person?????

So I was updating my MySpace and FaceBook profiles yesterday...just because I was bored...

I must have been high when I published those profiles...

First all, I am supposedly in a relationship...wonder who he is...hope he's hot...

So I tried to change my marital display to not display at all, because who really cares? And why does it matter. Well, apparently WTF cares is not a choice once you choose to display something. Well, I am single and I am divorced...which shall it be? Let's go with divorced, if that does not work out for me I can always be single again....

And then I happened to notice my phone number....wonder if anyone has been calling that number...maybe I should call it just to see who is there...

How many times do I have to say it...there is no Phillipia here - you have the wrong fucking number...

My apologies...

Wanna buy a pony?

So I have been watching a cat for a friend who moved and could not keep her. Stupid me...just for a couple weeks has been over three months now...

Ya think I would have learned...that's how I ended up with the last three cats I had....

I found her half dead in the cold...could you watch her till I find her a new home...

Like then 8-yr old CareBear was going to let me send her to a new home...

And then there was the male cat from hell...who only got along with G-Man - not sure why because he treated him like shit...oh yeah, guys like that don't they?

And then the black cat because my good friend Tequila Rose's Mama Cat had her umpteenth litter (whore) and I made the mistake of taking CareBear to see the cute lil newborn kitties....

CB: Please, Mom, please...and I know daddy wants one for his house...
Me: Sure he does...let's not even ask him first (ex's evil laugh)

Two, two cats to one lil girl...good day for TR...

So I was visiting Tequila Rose and Fire Marshall again the other night and thought it was a good chance for some payback. There was a group of us sitting around the bonfire - after the hot fire chief came and left because the fire was a little much for roasting weenies (he should have seen the weenies)...but I digress...

Me: So, TR, I was chatting with your little girl the other day and she wants a cat...
TR: Noooo, you must have misunderstood...she wants a pony...
Me: Hmmm...I have a pony...it is awesome, it is cat-size...and house-trained...
TR: I've seen your "pony"...keep it...momma cat is about to give us some ponies of our own...
Me: Whorecat still can?
FM: CareBear, don't you want a cat? (evil laugh)
CB: Yeah, but my BF's allergic...he almost died last time we visited Mom's; but I do love cats ...
BF: Yeah she does, we take the cat..I'd be gone
FM (to BF): Just take the cat - it does not have to make it all the way home...(evil, evil laugh)
BF: It is a really nice killer cat, and if I took it there is no way I could not take it home...because, well, I do not want to find out if CareBear loves that cat more than me...

So, I still have a cat...and keep asking myself why...why am I trying to give her away, that is...she is a nice, friendly cat...

• So friendly that she wants to lay across my keyboard while I try to work and or blog....
• So friendly that she no longer wants to settle for sleeping at the foot of the bed, but as close to my face as possible...
• So friendly that she leaves me more and more presents in the litter box...
• So friendly (with the neighbor cats) that she runs through my feet out the door everytime I open it...

FM: There ya go...problem solved..just pretend you do not see her next time she runs out the door ...
Me: I tried that with the last cat...a week later she ran back in when I wasn't looking...covered with fleas...damn...

A new exercize routine...

Nothing has been working...
I walk over 2 miles a day...
I swim at Bally's at least three times a week...
But I am still gaining weight...
If I were not so old, I would think I was prego; hey, if immaculate conception worked for Virgin Mary it could work for Mary Phillipia...

So, after a little research I am about to start a new routine....
I am going to Pole Dance my way to fitness...oh yeah...
Just think - I get to wear hot pants and stilettos (the recommended attire) while learning to climb the pole, swing on it, twirl around it, and make pleasure faces that say I want you in my pants....
Hot pants are a must so I can grip the pole with my bare legs. ..
Stilettos are required in order to master strutting my stuff...
The curriculum includes lessons on strip-tease and table dancing...

So not only will I get fit and have fun, I will have the skills for a new career if I get let go from my current position...

Doc said...

A good friend of mine emailed me a summary of a recent conversation she had with her new doctor. The email also included profuse apologies for her previous aggressive attempts to encourage me to change my lifestyle and eating habits "for my own good".

Friend: I've been doing a cardio workout 3x a week so I feel younger and live longer...

Doc (interrupting): Are you crazy? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Friend: The doctor I was seeing before told to me to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.

Doc: Then why are you here? Oh yes, he passed away didn't he. Think about this... What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Friend: I drink a glass of wine a night - maybe 5-6 nights a week; is that too much?

Doc: Not at all. If I were you, I would add a brandy and a beer or two to your daily intake. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Friend: I am worried about my body/fat ratio; is there a simple method for calculating that?

Doc: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Friend: I have pretty much stopped eating fried foods per my previous doctor's orders. But I am missing them. Are they really that bad for me??

Doc: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Friend: I have been faithfully doing sit-ups every night, but my belly seems to get bigger instead of smaller...

Doc: Duh! Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Friend: Is chocolate really that bad for me?

Doc: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Friend: Will swimming help my figure?

Doc: Sure - if you like the figure of a whale!!!

Remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body...

I say skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride."

Happy Birthday, Friend

So, I made a new friend this year, I think...

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is my friend and who I just wish was my friend...

But anyway, Happy 48th Birthday, Friend.

I was reading a little about Mat 22nd Geminis and this friend sorta fit the bill:

Geminis born May 22 have great charisma and the ability to draw attention to themselves. They may be lofty and intellectual one day, earthy and intense another. They have a spiritual side they seldom reveal to others. For this reason they usually keep personal beliefs to themselves. What do you believe in, anyway?



May 22 individuals are generally seen as leaders by others, though they may not see themselves in this role. Members of their inner circle are very much in awe of them. Love can be a complicated thing for them. No, really?

They may be unwilling to see the problems and failings of a beloved individual. Ok, this is not you - you seem to see where I fail better than I do.

May 22 natives believe in the traditional family values. This is especially true if they weren't involved in a close family unit as children. They take an active interest in the lives of their children. They are strict disciplinarians, yet fair. They are likely to impress upon their youngsters the importance of honesty and integrity. Ummmm...ok...:)

These folks are naturally healthy and work very hard to keep themselves in top physical condition. They like plain food, cooked simply. They require a lot of protein in their diet, and water should be their beverage of choice. Ok, unless Jim Beam is the new water...

The written and spoken word has great meaning for May 22 natives. Though intelligent, they don't flaunt their knowledge. They are also generous to their friends and family. I really do want to be your friend:)

Things May 22nd Geminis should embrace: A healing spirit, perfection, balance. Ok, my lack of balance, especially after a few shots, could be a good reason for you to avoid my friendship...

Things May 22nd Geminis should avoid: Being quarrelsome, self-interest, obsession. Geez - just what I needed...to give you a few more reasons...

Just Ignore this post and have a happy birthday without me...I do hope the next 12 months are better for you than the last...

Honestly...

So I just got home a little bit ago...it has been a long day.

I went into work a little later than usual - since I have been working later I might as well start later...hopefully I will not shift my schedule so much that I am on LDBoy's schedule...but I digress...

Anyway, I worked til about 6:15, then stopped by my Dad's and wished him a happy birthday. He started telling me about the good old days and then started telling me again...I am getting a lil worried about him...but he still knows who I am and how many kids I have and some other details I wish he would forget...

Then I stopped at Wal-Mart to return the vacuum that didn't suck the way it should (per a previous post) and picked up a few flowers for my deck and flower bed area. Totally unlike me - not sure what I was thinking...I hope the domestication shit lasts until I get them planted...

I started sweating profusely while carrying the flowers to the deck...I honestly could not tell if I was over doing it (I am outta shape) or having another mid-life hot flash. Either way, I should have lost a few pounds...

So now it is time to sit down, relax, and have a nice cold Molson...

Answer honestly...
Would you prefer....
To be an Old West Outlaw
- or -
A1920s mobster?

Duh...neither...but who would I want to date given the choice...

I am definitely an old west outlaw type of girl...a cowboy hat and boots and jeans and a little dirt Clint Eastwood kind of outlaw...oh yeah...gets me all hot and bothered thinking about him...

None of that suit and tie shit 1920s mob guy for me...

Honestly...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad’s birthday…
Which got me to thinking…I know an awful lot of people with birthdays around this time of year…

Several friends… May 18^th, 22^nd, 30^th, June 2^nd…

My Dad today…

My brother on the 23^rd…

My late grandpa on the 24^th…

My Mom on June 1^st…


Hmmm…brings to mind one of my favorite Neil Diamond tunes…Hot August Night

I am good luck:)

So once again I am a winner...well, G-Man was the real winner.

Monday night, his Dad and I escorted him to a local radio station's awards dinner for earning Player of the Game in Week 8 of last fall's regular football season.

It was an enjoyable evening. The award presenter is well-known in the area for promoting local athletes and has been a friend of G-Man's since 5th grade basketball....

G-Man and 45 other area football/basketball players got (yet another) plaque and some attention from local coaches and parents.

G-Man's dinner was complimentary. Dad and I paid $12 each. Dinner included a door prize raffle ticket...

Of the three of us, whose number was pulled first? ...yeah, that's right....#196 belonging to Phillipia. Not only was my prize first of the three of us - it was one of the first 5 of the night to be pulled...

So come on up and get a prize from the table...

I'll take that blue tooth headset there worth almost $2o - that will pay for my dinner and make G-Man pretty happy with me too:)

...because by the time his Dad's number and his got pulled there was not much left to choose from; but dad did walk away with a Notre Dame College (as opposed to university of) T-shirt and a rather nice, warm winter shirt (made in Russia warm) with a certificate for free embroidery.

Yes, the made in Russia shirt was valued at much more than the Blue Tooth headset, but value is in the eye of the beholder - and G-man was not eyeing that shirt. Phillipia wins the heroine to her favorite youngest child award.

That is favorite youngest as opposed to favorite and youngest; just needed to clear that up in the event that LDBoy or CareBear happened upon this post...

Misbehavin?

Last night I was trying to renew a couple of library books online (since I have been reading more blogs than books lately). Twice I tried to open the library home page and this is what I got in return:

CGI Error
The specified CGI application misbehaved by not returning a complete set of HTTP headers.

Shame on you CGI application - start returning headers....completely...in sets - whatever the hell that means.

Now my books are overdue and I cannot renew them online because the CGI was misbehavin'...guess I will just have to renew Humor Bloggers for Idiots in person. Damn.

The pressure's on...

Got to be funny...or I will get kicked out of the first club to let me in since 5th grade....

Please don't make me leave HBDC...I will be funny. I promise.

Just not right now, 'cuz I seem to have funny block.

Sometimes when life sucks, it is hard to be funny.

Does funny-looking count???? ...'cuz that I am!

Hey quit eating my hat - that's all I got.

One more all-nighter...

Friday night was busy...

Let's back up a little....Thursday night, I was browsing and came across Mental Poo which kept me entertained for most of the night and into the wee hours of the morning. So much so that by the time I finally quit reading/lol I had less than two hours before it was time to get up and get ready for the office. Needless to say, G-man did not get the courtesy of Mom's breakfast Friday morning and went to school hungry and crabby....thank you moog...

Friday at the office I did my best to stay awake, look alive and act like I gave a rat's ass about what I was doing....The two jet fuel pills I took before I headed out helped a tiny bit with that endeavor.

Friday evening I had plans to meet a new friend and talk about a vested interest - trading services for services. Get your mind out of the gutter; we were talking professional services. But the half hour conversation lasted about 2 and a half hours.

Then it was time to get ready for the after-prom I had volunteered for, so I hopped in the shower, popped a couple more jet-fuel pills and off I went.

I love working after-prom, seeing all the kids having fun and visiting with other parents. I had so much fun that I did not have a problem staying awake...

Til I got back home...at 4:30 am...

I walked in the door, noticed a couple of bodies in the living room, mumbled hello, and headed up to bed.... and that was all she wrote....till about noon...

....when I stumbled down the stairs to see who was in my living room...it was just a couple of G-man's friends - damn.

But I grabbed my favorite place on the couch and tried to act like a nice Mom for a bit - until I nodded off mid-conversation. Actually, it was pretty much mid-sentence...

I woke several times during the next few hours ...or they woke me...

Mom, wake up, you're snoring...really loud...

Damn cold...I kept promising to go back up to bed, but nodded back off before I got the words out of my mouth...

When they couldn't take it any more, they left - to their own homes and not-so-annoying families. G-man headed for work.

I kept sleeping...or trying to. I actually woke myself up a couple of times...took me a bit to realize what god-awful sound woke me, but yeah, it was me...

About 8:30 PM, I woke one more time...to the phone...G-man calling from work, telling me he is going out with some friends and asking if I will give him a ride home if he stays out past curfew...

We are just going to hang out and play halo and you slept all day anyway...so if I need a ride at 4:00 am, will you come and get me so i do not get arrested for breaking curfew?

Sure, G-man. One more all nighter will not kill me...anything for you...well not anything...no, I will not do that...don't even go there...you've been warned...

It sucks...not

So I was at Walmart the other day and feeling like my life sucked...when I happened past the vacuum aisle....

Just the thing to buy so my life could suck a little more...

I spent some time comparing models. According to the specs, none of them were self-sucking, so I just chose one that I thought would suck the best...on the stairs, on the ceiling, on the carpet, on the hard wood floors, and on the linoleum...

I ended up bringing home THE BOSS. But before I opened the box, I decided to check the reviews on-line...yeah, I do things backwards at times.

According to the online review(s) (they all said the same thing) THE BOSS is not all it is cracked up to be....though built to suck, it doesn't. At least not very well...

So that sucker is going back....

A blast from the past...

So as I am shutting down my computer to go into what I knew would be a boring meeting, I got an instant message from LDBoy...it was just a link.....

http://www.cleveland.com/insideout/index.ssf/2009/05/glass_house_in_bath_township_r.html


Yeah, remember the post I wrote a short time ago about LDBoy's glass house era. That's the house.

No he was not the one who broke the windows and punched holes in the wall - that was his roomate. The one he is rooming with in the stone house now...stone...it does not give...

But glass house man is doing much better - he is taking his meds and they seem to be working. He is back to his fun, mellow self - the nice kid who LDBoy has known since he was in kindergarten.

And for the sake of accuracy, he drove two cars into that river...not one. It was spur of the moment research...twice.

And those were not water bottles he piled in the first floor office, they were Propel bottles. G-man remembers first hand.

It was harmless fun, Mom...like an adult ball pit...better than at Chuckie Cheese, tho - no little kids screaming and peeing and....

G-man used to visit and play video games with his friends in one of the upstairs rooms; they used a projector and made the screen the size of the wall.

CareBear used to get lost in the house....

"talk to me so I can follow your voice..."

I had a Mom's room all picked out...damn, so close!

Monday Morning at the office...

Each Monday morning at Peyton PHlace, the office rabble centers around the weekend. And this Monday was no exception. Some tidbits I overheard...

"Did you enjoy Mother's Day?"

"I guess...I mean I spent three hours at my Mom's, four hours at his Mom's and the rest of the day trying to scramble to do the things I usually do on Sundays, like laundry and bills and lunches and get the kids ready for next week..."

"What did you do for your Mom?"

"I moved far away years ago so she has no holiday expectations from me....

"The nursing home she is in does not allow visitors...really..."

"What did you do for your wife? "

"She's not my Mom!" (let's not go their again)

"I gave her a really nice card and I wrote 'Without you I would be a Dad.' I spent the rest of the day hearing her give the kids stupid lessons on how leaving one word out ..." (hmm, wonder what she'll get next year)

"I gave her an AK-47, because home security is the best gift of all!"

"Did you have a nice weekend?"

"Yes I did, thanks for asking....My weekend started with a meeting of a couple of neighborhood Moms to plan for some upcoming school events. We of course invited Mike...as he is hard, cold, and refreshing, and the only guy we let come in our mouths. Hey, where ya going...don't ya want to hear about the rest of my weekend?"

Happy Mother's Day

This is my 300th blog post as Phillipia (that is, if you forget about the ones I deleted because I was ranting about mothers who subsequently threatened to tell my naughtiest secrets ) and I have decided to celebrate by dedicating it to mother's everywhere....

Yeah, not Moms, but mothers - mother fuckers to be more exact....

100 MFers on the wall,
100 MFers on the wall
Kick one until you make him fall...
99 MFs on the wall....

To all you MFers who...

• would not consider buying your wife a card yesterday because "she is not MY MOM"...
• who give your "GF" excuse after excuse for not doing what she asks until she finally says goodbye and you act hurt and surprised when all along it was what you were trying for but were too much of a pussy to just end it honestly...
• stay out of touch for weeks at a time and then do not understand why we are not just so thrilled to see you cuz you know you are god's gift to us...
• just want to meet in the parking lot and "if we hit it off we will get a room, sweetheart"...who needs dinner...
• just do not know how to say "I do not want to even be friends, bitch" but just decide to never answer our emails or messages again...get the hint, woman...
• forget to tell us about the wife at home with 6 kids that you gave the ungrateful whore....

OK...I'm done...last week was a rough week and everything from the past just came bounding back and the above needed to be said....for my mental health...

Well, it probably did not need to be said, but I said it anyway, because that is the way I am...just ask those Rebel Moms...but that's a story for another time...

Anything you want to add...be my guest...

Happy Moms' Day!

Yes, Moms because there are a lot of moms out there and not Mothers' because...well, even guys can be mothers of a sort and we are not celebrating that...at least not today:)

For me, Mom's day is a chance to reflect on how blessed I am to have three wonderful kids...

And to chuckle at some of the things they are probably thinking today.....

LDBoy....

CareBear....

G-Man....

and each of them in their own little world....(There is no significance to there being a girl on that card.)

And hopefully no one I know is thinking this today...
Thanks to all three of you for allowing me to feel so blessed on this Mom's Day:)