Sarcasm Fail!

Retraction: I did not lose my job...yet!!!

My previous post and attempt at sarcasm failed miserably.

I do appreciate your concern and good wishes.

However, I am still employed - at least until the next round of layoffs...

Thank God, because Phat Phil and other Peyton PHlaCe antics provide a hell of a lot of content for this blog...

Motivational FAIL!

So the CEO of Peyton PHlaCe sent an email...


Times are tough...sales are down...healthcare cannot decide if it wants to reform...


You will get laid off as soon as you finish the project you are working on...


Hmmm...this project is taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated...

Oooops day???

G-Man informed me that today is Oooops Day on the football field.

Apparently, the players dress in full pads, but according to OHSAA rules, they are not allowed to make contact.

So if you accidently plow an opponent into the ground and stomp on him unmercifully, it's ok, as long as you help him up and say "ooops."

Lessons...

Did you know that the words 'race car' spelled backwards spells 'race car'?

Did you know that 'eat' is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense 'ate'?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "ex boyfriend" and add just a few more letters, it spells "two-timing, no good god-damn piece of shit asshole loser"?

Amazing, isn't it?


Disclaimer: I am not writing about any specific boyfriend here, so do not flatter yourself if you happen to be one of my ex's reading this....

The week that was....

I miss blogging...

And reading your blogs...

So, I am going to take a break from life and tell you what I have been doing this past week and what I will be up to this next week...just in case you want to know...

First, the week that was...

Monday:

I worked from home and actually got a lot done - worked till about 6:00 pm.
Than I went for a walk with Ame's Mom at Squire's Castle.
We started up the first little hill and I had to set some ground rules...flat ground rules...I am no shape to do the hills - let's stick to the paved path around the castle.
After a few rounds, I was ready for a few rounds, but we decided DQ would have to do because it was getting late.
And Ames and Mom had some girl time planned...hey wait, I'm a girl, so I tagged along. What a treat...hot wax treat that is...I now have two eyebrows...lol.

Tuesday:

As G-Man is leaving for morning workouts he asks if I am coming to the 7-on7 in Bedford.
Me: Say what???
G-Man: We just found out yesterday.
Me: Us moms have a meeting tonight, planned around your schedule to plan for your meals next week.
G-Man: You don't have to come if ya don't want to....

Later....

Me: Okay, coach....they found out yesterday????
Coach: I swear I told them last week...
Me: Told them??? How about telling ME next time so I can post and let parents plan around these things.
Coach: The players knew...
Me: But WE didn't and if you want me to keep passing info to the parents that YOU want them to know...then start passing me info that WE want to know, too, ok? One simple phone call (or an email) to me and I will post info and we would all be much happier....ok??? Are you listening????
Coach: By the way, can you let the parents know there is a mandatory meeting next Sunday rigth smack during the dinner hour - unless you eat dinner incredibly early or late at your house...

All day Tuesday I was torn...do I go to the game or go to the meeting??
Hmmm, I have the agenda, there is no other good night for me or anyone else this week, we have lots to do. In the end, I caved and acted responsible and went to the meeting as did all the other 6 Moms. What a team we are.
I have to tell you, I dreaded taking on the job of coordinating the football meals this year, but what a joy it has been. The moms who offered to help really helped. In fact they did most of the work - I really just coordinated and posted info and kept our spreadsheets up to date.
And the best part, unlike previous years, I had moms helping from all four classes, so they will know what they are doing next year and it can only get better...

Wednesday:

...is a blur. I know I worked at home until pretty late, very late in fact....so late that I do not remember stopping....until I knew if I did not get to Bally's they would close and I really needed to swim off some tension.
(Note: As soon as I get through this upcoming week and have a little more free time, I will have some further adventures of Phat Phil and Peyton PHlaCe to share...)

Thursday:

After a hectic day at Peyton PHlaCe, I headed straight to Chick-Fil-A in Willoughby to help with a fundraiser. G-Man was bummed because he had to work (at KFC) and could not participate. (Uh, boss, I am calling off because I am going to Chick-Fil-A. What??? You're ok with that??? Oh...I am out of a job...damn.)
Sorry you missed the fun, G-Man.

But you'll get your shot at fame a lil later this month when you are featured in the News Herald football preview...

After the fundraiser, I stopped by a cheer leader mom's house to drop off a prize she had won. This lady is a dear friend who was born with the gift of gab. I had a plan, cuz I had not been home yet and I was tired....I figured I would not get out of the car, phone her as I am pulling down her street and ask her to come out and get her prize...
My plan failed. I spent a good 45 minutes sitting in my car in the street with her leaning in my window as I tried to explain to her why I do not call all the parents with the info I post on the web...

Her: Why didn't you tell me about the fundraiser earlier...
Me: I did... RYFE
Her: You know I do not read my email...
Me: Not my problem...
Her: But you could call me...I am your friend...
Me: So are the 20 other parents that asked me to call them...RYFE
Her: Not everyone is computer savy like you...
Me: Not my problem....have your kids read your email...
Her: They are busy...
Me: So am I...

So today, I got a bright idea. I called her (not the bright idea...) and offered her the job of calling all the other freshman parents who apparently do not read their email either (because they have not responded to my email pleas for help serving/donating for meals)....that'll teach 'em...cuz believe me, there is no such thing as a short phone conversation with Dear Gabby.

Friday:

Worked til 5:45 and then headed to another meeting of the Moms (okay just one Mom this time) to design a page for the fall sports program thanking all our sponsors. A veggie pizza and a few beers and hours later and we were happy with our creation...and i learned a few things about a few people I use to know way back in grade school who she knew in high school and college and after....verrry interesting stuff I learned....for another time...

Yesterday:

I did laundry, swam a lil (exercise and Sunny Vitamin D all in one shot), worked a lot on meal stuff, and then met some neighbor girls for a drink and gossip session that lasted into this morning....

Today:

Much like yesterday....more laundry, a lil swimming, a little time with G-Man and friends, a lot of meal planning/web stuff, dinner and drinks with a friend....

And that brings me to now....

Sitting here getting tired just thinking of the upcoming week....serving doubles in the mornings, then right to work for 6-8 hours. Friday night Pampered Chef party, Saturday afternoon lunch with high school friends I have not seen for 30 years, Sunday football meeting..

I'll be back...promise...

In the News...

Oxycontin Found in Skittles

My first thought after reading this article was to call G-man and tell him not to eat those two bags of Skittles I just bought him because there may be Oxycontin in them....

Then I thought better of it and figured it was best to keep my mouth shut and go to plan B.

He does not watch the news....I will confiscate the bags before he gets to them...hopefully...

Unless his friends watch the news...

And then I was thinking - will this make Skittles sale go down or up?

Or will it just level out?

My week ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 25, 2009 (via Facebook)

Residential moves will be hectic and may be unsatisfactory. Who's moving?

Don't make a move; your confusion has caused this dilemma and you are best to back away and reassess the situation. I am confused....

Your partner may push buttons that infuriate you. What partner????

Overindulgence may be a problem. Oh, really???

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Again? Well, I am not falling for it this time - $300 worth of "lucky lotto" tickets later and I am not feeling lucky....

I may be remiss..

I just wanted to let you know upfront that I may be a little less bloggy for the next couple of weeks.

In case you care why....

Peyton PHlace (no, not the Milk of Magnesia place, Bingo Betty) got extremely busy all of a sudden - at least for me. I need to release close to 300 documents by the end of August....which is not as easy as it sounds...

There are ECRs and DMRs and DCFs and ECOs and print files and source files for each...

And...if that is not enough...in my personal life as a Mom....well...are you ready for some football?

Because I am not. Meals to plans, checks to write, rosters and profiles and schedules to update and post; a messed up web to fix (yeah - I messed it up).

All before the first game on August 28th...

If you miss me - you can see what I am up to at http://southrebelfootball.com/

And Congrats to G-Man and three other well-deserving teammates on being elected Team Captains this past week! And NO - as some of the (non-elected) players thought - it is not just a title - there is actually work involved...

Go Rebs!!!

I am woman...

It's time....

...for a Peyton PHlaCe rant....you know you want one.

We have a new instant messenger program that works pretty well. I was chatting with a guy in another part of the building yesterday....

Me: Hey Jim, what is the part number of the doc you want me to release?

Him: Hold on.....

Me: I need it to pull a DCF to attach to a DMR for the ECO.

Him: Bare with me while I look it up...

Me: Hell, no. Just because I fell for it with the tick inspector from the health department....

On a positive note, I have been accomplishing a lot more of what I should be at work. At least I think I have.

But then again, I (and a few others) have been getting an onslaught of emails from various companies with tips for interviewing and good interviewing techniques. Think they know something about Peyton PHlaCe that we do not know?

I have learned that when I find myself start getting so frustrated that I feel the steam coming out my ears, it is time for a smoke break. What a great way to let off pent up frustration while making new friends, kissing up to the members of upper management who smoke, and gathering blog fodder.

Smoker1: Need to let off a little steam, Phillipia?

Me: You would not believe the day I am having. Some guy from the building A actually wanted me to get naked with him. Just because I asked him to look up a part number.

Smoker2: Is he blind?

Me: Hahaha.

Smoker1: Wonder if its the same guy that forgot to close the doors on the truck the other day. And then never saw the CT gantry roll off the back end.

Me: You're kidding, right????

Smoker2: Yeah, you know how they take the systems from this dock and move them to the building across the street and then put them on another truck over there to ship them to the hospitals?

Me: Yeah.....

Smoker1: Well this guy did not bother to shut the doors on the truck since he was just going across the street.

Smoker2: I guess he forgot the gantry was on rollers....

Smoker1: Half way down the road the thing rolls off the back...that gantry didn't get too far.

Smoker2: And he did not even see it roll off. When he got to the unloading dock across the street they asked where it was.

Smoker1: Damn thing was sitting in the road, blocking traffic.

Me: Did the covers stay on???

Smoker1: Haha funny...(inside joke)

SmokingManager: So when did you take up smoking Phillipia? (i.e., this is a smoking club and who invited you?)

Me: Umm...Uh...I'm just trying the second hand experience for awhile...

Let the anger out....

Saturday night I headed down to the Outpost in Kent to watch the battle of the bands featuring Dinosaurus Rex.

I do like Dinosaures Rex...a lot.

Especially the song K wrote for CareBear: "Leave me Alone." It's not what you think...really.

Dinosaurus Rex performed a great set.

I was totally unprepared for the next act tho'. They were good, too. Really good.

If you like death metal...and head banging...and screaming into the mic.

I do not mind it for a little bit...a short little bit.

I mean....what a great way to let loose of some pent up anger.

Reminded me of the first time I watched a high school lacrosse game. It was after a bad day at work and I was wishing I was out there on the field and the opponents were some of the Peyton PHlaCe phantoms.

But I digress...

What really bothered me Saturday was the violent headbanging of two of the death metal rockers. It literally hurt my neck just watching them. In fact I tried not to watch. I kept turning away. But then I was afraid that I would not be prepared when one of their heads flew off their neck and landed at my feet...

A few more shots and I will not even notice....

My Week Ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 18, 2009

You will be in an overly generous mood this week. With whose money...cuz I sure do not have any to give away.

Try to ease any disappointment by making amends. Amends for what???

Don't be too quick to respond to a plea for help. Like I said...no money to give; and I am already way overextended with my time.

Be prepared to meet new lovers through colleagues. Please NO....I CANNOT deal with another relationship right now...shit, I have not finished dealing with the last one:( I still have some of his shit around here.....

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Hmmm, maybe I should play Saturday's lotto instead of Friday's this week...

Better a few extra pounds...

So I took G-Man in for his sports physical last night.

As we are leaving the house together...

G-Man: Let's take separate cars, ok?

Me: Why??? You embarrassed to be seen with me?

G-Man: It's not that...I...uh...have plans afterward.

As I am driving there by myself I am thinking that I should have called and found out if I even needed to be there...I mean I paid up front and I signed all the forms....

But now I am there and look, so is half of the football team and their parents. Guess it is a good thing I showed so I would not once again be the bad mommy of the group. He's only 17 you know...

So as we leave and go our separate ways, I decide to hook up with a former neighbor to get some dinner.

As I am sitting there enjoying my terriyaki chicken sandwich with pineapple and onion rings and a tall Killian's Red, she is telling me about her latest predicament.

Her: I have been really eating healthy, Phillipia. I have been having toast or oatmeal for breakfast, tuna or grilled chicken for lunch and tomatos for dinner...

Me: Just tomatos?

Her: Well, with a lil olive oil and onion and basil.

Me: Just tuna?

Her: On a few crackers.

Me: I could not survive.

Her: Sure ya could. I have cut out beer and alcohol, too.

Me: Well that's gonna cut this evening short....

Her: I have lost 16 pounds since I last saw you.

Me: I can tell. You are looking good.

Her: Oh hell no I am not. Do not lie to me. Look at this skin hanging off my arms and under my chin. No one warned me about this...

Me: Okay, then...

Her: I'm telling you, this diet should come with a flab shrinker or something. Don't go on a diet, Phillippia, you look better with a few extra pounds than a lot of flabby skin.

No problem here...

A day late...

I hate it when people forward me bogus warnings without checking them out on snopes.com. I am sure I have probably done it a time or two myself - just to be on the safe side...but lately I have gotten a lot of them.

But this one I got today is real - I know - firsthand....

And it's important.

So please forward it to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your door saying they are with the health department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and insist that you take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air so they can check your body for ticks, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. And so does he...that'll teach him!

You're doing what????

I texted G-Man from my desk yesterday during a break in meetings....

Me: Hey, G-Man, what's happening?
G-Man: nm u
Me: Working. What time do you have to be at Mentor for football?
G-Man: 5:45
Me: You going by bus?
G-Man: Car.
Me: Want me to drive?
G-Man: No gtg ltr.

Well that did not satisfy the Mom in me , so I decided to use the phone for its god-given purpose and call him....

G-Man: Didn't we just have a text conversation?
Me: Hello to you too.
G-Man: Seriously, Mom. I'm busy. Can we talk later?
Me: Busy doing what?
G-Man: I gotta get a shower.
Me: Before football?
G-Man: I am going to the pool first...
Me: Okaaayyy...even less of a reason....
G-Man: I just got to, okay. I feel cruddy....
Me: .....
G-Man: There's a girl up there.
Me: So???
G-Man: I gotta go...see ya tonight...(Click)
Me: Thanks - I 'm having a good day, too.....

Anything to ease the pain....

In a recent study, it was shown that Swearing Makes pain More Tolerable...

I actually first heard about this study from my manager at fucking Peyton PHlaCE when she announced our department's new Leading to Win strategy.

This makes my fucking life so much easier to fucking handle...

I can now look forward to ...

... long-ass project meetings with bastard project managers and not having to keep all that anger pent up - hurting me inside. I can feel my ulcer healing already.

...to the next swearing match between G-Man and myself knowing that it is best to let the anger and hurt out....fuck all the damned cop-calling neighbors...and the ass-hole social services creeps. I have a word or two for them.

...to football games and dealing with blind M-F-ing refs and cheating big-ass opponents trying to hurt my baby. If they even try to throw my ass out, I'll just whip out the aforementioned study. That'll show 'em.

Swearing my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Think my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor will pick up on that?

You're off the charts Phillipia - you should set your goal higher....

No fucking problem....

Mom, I need your $30 today....

Oh yeah...

Not sure why I promised to buy that lotion from G-man last week, except maybe I was feeling a lil sorry for him.

Not sure which coach thought this fundraiser was a good idea, but he had the entire football team selling Victoria Secret bath products. He insisted they make a list of 30 people who would want to support the football program and then sat them down in a room to make the calls.

Hi, this is G-man and ...
Hey, G-man, how's it going? Getting ready for football?
Yeah, about that....how would you like to help the team?
You guys having another car wash?
Uh, no. Someone called the police last year ....
You're kidding.... Some people ....
We're selling Victoria Secret this year.
Alright...what's ya got?
Shower Gel and Lotion...
What????
Five Scents to Choose From....
Hey - I gotta go...my kids wanna use the phone...the line is breaking up...the dog just ran out in the street...I have food on the stove...the house is on fire....

Rest in Peace, Momma Cat

I am feeling a little guilty...but just a little.

After all, it is not my fault that Michael Jackson met his maker before his time and helped me out in Pa Rock's dead pool.

And it really is not my fault that my Bay Buddy's cat decided to pick this week to use up her ninth life...

Even if just last weekend we were discussing the chances of that happening in the near future ...

And tho my Bay Buddy was thinking she should start looking for a mouser cat to help Momma cat in her domestic duties, she was not quite sure Momma was ready to share her space - even as I insisted that I had the perfect addition to her household.

Now mind you I did not rush Not Sweetie (aka, my unwanted cat who I offered to watch for 2 weeks - that was in February and it is still here) over to Bay Buddy's home immediately upon Momma's death.

I did offer condolences while gently reminded her that I had the perfect solution to her problem.

And I gave her the usual three days to mourn. I waited patiently until last night - after three full days had past.

Then I visited with a couple of presents - one in a carrier and one in a bottle. As we drank White Zin on her deck, I let Not Sweetie be her sweet entertaining self until Bay Buddy fell in love.

I was almost out of there when Not Sweetie showed her true not so sweet side and started hissing and teasing the resident house cat. Seem she does not play quite as well with others as I had Bay Buddy believing.

But I am sure it will all work out.

And if it doesn't, I am confident that Bay Buddy's better (or at least other) half has plenty of ways to handle the situation....

As for me, let me share what I have learned from this whole cat sitting experience...

I will never, ever again, offer to sit anyone's pet unless I am totally convinced that I would want to keep and care for said pet until the end of time in the off chance that the owner did not return for said pet...

It could happen....
....only to me...

Bay Memories

Last weekend a friend and I spent a couple of days relaxing at Put-in-Bay. As always, it is a good time.

On our last trip I learned that I do not want to buy drinks while waiting for the Jet Express to take us across the Lake. So this year...well, let's just say we left a trail of lemon slices from the ferry parking lot to the dock. Those lil bottles of Jose and white zin can sure kick start a vacation...

I have a couple of favorite bay stories...

Last year, I actually had the opportunity to make it up on stage with The Menus at the Beer Barrel Saloon. I did manage to bring home a tambourine from that night...not really sure if it was meant to be a souvenir from the band, but hey...they let me off the stage with it ...

Quite a few years back, I was camping at the bay during the annual Wasted on Wine Weekend. The itinerary for the weekend included (but not limited to) being Blitzed at the Barrel, Loaded at Lonz, Hammered at Heidemans and Crashed at the CampSite. After getting blitzed a few of us headed over to a house where some other friends were staying. One friend in particular was not back from blitzing yet. So we decided - since he was not there to host - we would find his bottle of Jose and help ourselves to a couple of shots (each). We put the bottle back where we found it and then rearranged his room a little. The next day, on the ferry to Lonz, we met up with the missing host. He was looking dazed and confused. Apparently he drank much more than he remembered the night before (he couldn't believe he only had a half bottle of Jose left) and woke up on the floor that morning since his bed was not where he left it and he could not find the light switch to look for it...

And while I was sharing these stories with a friend at work, she told me her own story. Apparently she met her husband at the bay.

Her: So how long are you here for?
Him: Just the weekend.
Her: Where are you staying?
Him: On a boat.
Her: Oh, awesome. A sailboat?
Him: No, a canoe. In my friend's grandma's garage. There were no rooms left on the island.

Peyton PHlaCe...My Office Inbox is full....

Geez, could it be because I am so popular? NOT!!!

Yesterday morning I received an email from someone in our lighting division. It was an empty email with just his business card attached.

And that is when the fun started....

Email...after email...after email...all day long...and into this morning....

Congratulations....you have sent this email to everyone in the world who works for Peyton...Now what do you want? (just to say hi...let everyone know I am here)

Why did you send this to me???? (why not???)

Please STOP replying to ALL - you are flooding my inbox.... (what - you don't like email???)

Will everyone QUIT replying to all.... (that goes for you, too, buddy)

If you must answer, quit replying to ALL!!! (I couldn't find the reply to SOME option)

Please take me out of this email list!!! (what - you don't want to work here no more???)

When you reply to all, you are flooding everyone in Peyton's inbox...(slowing down the system, am I?)

And of course, each of the senders above replied to all:)

But the best....

Dear originalsender@PeytonLighting.com, you forgot forgotten.someomeone@PeytonIS.com Please forward... (to ALL!!!)