Eye of the Tiger...

I like to check out Julia's blog over at Homemade Hilarity every once in awhile.

Not only does it give me a good laugh, it reminds me of some of my forays into domestication...

When G-Man was in grade school, he had to select a craft kit that involved stuffing and sewing a stuffed animal. I never did understand the point of such assignments because you just know it is going to fall on the Moms (or Dads in the case of the 'build a bridge' assignment).

And G-man, being the kid he is, could not select a simple kit. He comes home with an 11-inch Bengal tiger kit.

Me: OMG, G-Man, are you trying to embarrass me???? You know I do not sew.

G-Man: I'll do it; it is my homework.

Me: Like that ever stopped me .

So we compromised and worked together on this thing. I say thing, because it did not look like a tiger when we were done - or not like a healthy tiger, anyway.

It's nose was pretty close to its right eye which was a lot farther from its left eye than it should have been.

One of the ears was twisted inside of itself...permanently.

We sent it to school as the Facially Challenged Lost Bengal of the Jungle. Teach was not impressed; but I did get a C+ for effort.

And being the supportive mom that I am, that tiger rode in the back window of my car until G-Man was a Sophomore in High School.

One of the little neighbor girls who loves G-Man always let me know how much she loved my tiger and came out and blatantly asked for it on several occasion.

Nooooo - G-Man made me that.....

I finally threw it in the trunk one day when I pulled into the school parking lot and realized the visiting football team was the Bengals. A Bengal Rebel would not have gone over too well:(

Heading to C-bus...

I get to do another road trip Friday to C-bus...

Probably will not be as much fun as the last trip in that direction - for me anyway.

But this trip is for G-man; he is participating in a football camp at "The OSU " Horseshoe.

I get to watch and learn and bring a couple good books:)

Not sure if his Dad is planning to go - that will make it a lil more stressful for me but prolly better for G-man.

And it is his day, so I will just stay low - which is pretty easy being as short as I am...

Please slow down...

My life seems in overdrive lately.

Last week I did not get home until 11:00 PM or lately almost every night.

Monday I worked bingo for the football team - got home about 11:15

Tuesday I hosted football Moms at my house till 11:00 - same difference as not getting home til 11:00, right?

Wednesday I was walking the streets of downtown til pretty late.

Thursday I had another business dinner at Bahama Breeze that lasted until a little after 9:30 and then I headed back to work to pick up my car and chatted with the vendor a bit in the parking lot....

Friday was Ame's dance recital. It was long, but it was awesome. There were dancers from age3 - 13. And Ames is awesome, I must admit. She does ballet and tap and modern. And you can tell when watching her that she loves it and puts her whole self into it. Her Swan Lake and Music Box Ballets were my favorite. After the dance recital we went to I-Hop because it was too late for most anywhere else and it is tradition (probably every where in the world) to go to DQ or somewhere comparable after a school concert or recital...

Saturday is sort of a blur...except for the PMS portion of the day (per a previous post) and the mall trip after wards. I needed to get G-man something decent to wear for his senior pictures - whether he wanted it or not. Oh yeah - and I had to get him a haircut because I did not want pictures with the skid marks he had cut into his head a couple weeks ago...

Sunday was lunch with my Dad and then 3 hours of senior picture taking. Kudos to Jessica Vidmar Photograpy. I cannot wait to see the pictures. I just followed around with changes of clothes and did my part to keep Willoughby's finest at bay and asure them that G-man was not going to jump from the train tracks into the raging rapids of the Cuyahoga River....and yes we are keeping ourselves on public property...and no he is not getting indecent in public - well sorta not, anyway.

And Photo Jess snapped a couple of pics of make-up-less moi with G-man (I was not prepared to be in any pics). But who knows, maybe one of the will show a more attractive side of me that my trolling pic....

Last Night I went with G-Man to his Dad's. I knew CareBear and LDBoy would be their because it was their Granpa's 80th Birthday. What I did not realize was that there would be so many other people there. It was nice to see my ex sister-in-law and step-sister-in-law and the ex's aunts and cousins who I have not seen for a good many years. They are a pretty nice down to earth group of people. And they are all really nice to me. So nice that they wondered (out loud, no less) if the ex and I were going to get back together.

Me: Say what????

Ex-someone: Yeah, well it's a shame. He's not dating anyone and do ya think you would get back together?

Me: Say what???? Sorry for him he has not found someone else to shit on...but (don't even ask me if I am dating anyone) hurt me once...that's it. Ok, not always, but that was a hell of a lot of hurt I went through cuz of that asshole. And the kids....

Ex-someone: Oooh, sorry I brought that up - nice weather we're having today...

Me: Oooh, look at the deer out yonder. Is that my phone ringing...let me go get that...

This week has got to get better....

Show the Love!

I got an email from my great-aunt the other day that I thought I should share with you.

Note that Aunt Georgine is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car...

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thunderous prayer meeting. I had your sister's boy Mikey with me. I think he actually liked the prayer meeting - he sure was smiling a lot. These teens nowadays need more Jesus in their life.

Anyway, I bought the sticker and put it on my car. Boy, am I glad I did.

As I was driving home I stopped for a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that the light was green. I found that he loves Jesus a lot. He honked once rather sheepishly like he was not sure how much he loved Jesus. And then he started honking like crazy. And then he leaned out of his window and started screaming: 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

And then everyone started honking! It was wonderful. All those people honking for Jesus. I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

And there was another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked Mikey what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. And Mikey started praising the Lord, too and giving everyone the good luck sign.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I just smiled and waved at everyone and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. That made me kind of sad - that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

I am going to go back to that store and get a whloe lotta those bumper stickers. I will put a few in the mail to you. Once you have one on your car, I know all your friends will want one too.

It is a great way to make new friends - better than that on-line dating thing you are trying.... And you know they all love Jesus!!

Will write again soon.

Thank you, Aunt Georgine....

Thank You, Tricky Dick

I came across an interesting article about the Origins of Fathers Day. I did not realize that it was not a legal holiday until then President Nixon declared it so in 1972.

I can understand how some Fathers (as opposed to Dads) would rather have a National Fishing Day than have to be bothered with the traditions of a National Get Another Damn Tie Day.

I for one am thankful for the National Day to honor Dads.

It reminds me that my Dad is a pretty good guy in his own twisted way and so I take him to lunch and spend a little quality time with him.

It reminds my kids that they do have a Dad who is pretty damn good to them in his own twisted way and so they spend the day with him = day to myself:)

And I see it as a chance to let the Fathers (as opposed to the Dads who enjoy it) see what it is like to be a "Dad" for a day...so take the day off Moms (who are married to Fathers) and head to the spa or the mall or the beach...


Happy Dad's Day to all of the Dads out there!

Looking for a job....

...for G-Man...

The kid has no clue...

I tried to help him get one yesterday, but that did not go too well.

It started yesterday morning as I am trying to get into work - literally. I have my overloaded computer bag in one hand, purse and umbrella in the other, trying to swipe my employee access card and turn the door handle before the access goes red and I get totally drenched, when my purse starts ringing.

Me (thinking it is my boss wondering where the hell I am): Hello.
G-Man: Hey, where are you.
Me: Take 3 guesses.
G-Man: You at work?
Me: Trying to get there.
G-Man: Well the bank screwed me over again. I put that money in you gave me yesterday to cover late fees and it says I am negative again!!!
Me: Go to the bank and get it figured out.
G-Man: But I was positive yesterday when I put in that money...
Me: Just go to the bank and get it straightened out ...
G-Man: Can I ....
Me: Do not even ask me for more money ...
G-Man: Geez Mom, you act like this is my fault...
Me: Just go take care of it...

Lucky for him I was in the office ... or maybe lucky for me, because if I said what was on my mind I would be looking for a job now, too.


When I got home, he smugly told me that he went to the bank and took care of it...talked the guy into dropping some of the fees...must be nice.

He then started rambling about something and quite honestly, I am not sure what happened after that...I just let loose (as I do at times).

I guess he was just having too much fun after having borrowed $200 from me to pay late fees because he did not have any money in his account to begin with...and I am still waiting for car insurance and phone money from him this month...hoping and praying that I have not taken anything out of my account that I forgot to mark down...otherwise I will be seeing some late fees, too.

And then his report card showed up on the table and we have two totally different opinions about what he can and cannot do in the classroom...

Lucky for both of us it is Father's Day Weekend...because we are definitely in need of a little time apart...

Working Dinners....

This has been a work week....

Our localization vendor's team is in town trying to help us do things better...

Actually we get to tell them what we like and do not like about how they are doing things and they explain to us that you only get what ya pay for....one for the vendor:)

So anyway, a coworker and one of my favorite vendor contacts decided to go to dinner Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, they made the mistake of thinking that I could show them a good time. They wanted to eat somewhere outside, overlooking the water....

So we headed downtown...

And walked the streets a little....

And made some new friends who were also from out of town and hoping I knew a good place to get some spirits....

Me (pointing across the alley): That looks like a fun place.
Them: Sure, honey, let's go check it out....
Vendor: Uh, Phillipia, huunnneeee, what are you doing????
Me: What, they wanted spirits???
Them: You girls like to party???
Me: OMG!!! Not the Adult Mart - the lil Irish pub next door. It's there - see it???

The pot at the end of the rainbow...

Another dream shattered...

WTF?

So I have been faithfully wearing my activity monitor for the 2-1/2 weeks.

I actually make th eeffort to reach 100% of my goal each day...

And I do pretty good.

In fact, I usually go over by about 75% (3 round trips to the fridge about covers that).

But today, I was at my desk or in meetings allllll morning...did not get a bit of exercize except to mozy from meeting to meeting and out to my car for a curb-side lunch pick-up.

I usually try to synchronize the monitor with my online data a couple times a day to make sure I keep on track. So, when I got back to my desk after lunch, I plugged the monitor into the USB adapter on my computer. I was expecting to be at about 25% of my goal for the day, if that.

But what should my wondering eyes see...a whopping 500%...with the most activity during my morning meetings....WTF????

I checked and double-checked and changed the battery, and even read the manual, but nothing changed...I was actively burning calories sitting in meetings. Gotta love that:)

I was having an awesome day(per my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor, anyway) and feeling pretty good about it too.

Off to an afternoon of more meetings....

I am sitting there minding my own business basking in the glory of knowing that I am burning calories just being me....

Voice1: Are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I'm fine, why?
Voice1: You're twirling that activity monitor around like its alive...
Voice2: Isn't that cheating?

Ahhhh...that would explain a few things...

And how can I make this work for me????

I may be funny, but I am not pretty....

I was browsing for content for G-man's calendar Friday. Saturday was ACT day, so I was looking for test material. When I googled "fun tests" the first few returns were for OKCupid.com....hmmm.

A friend had tried to get me to try OK Cupid, so of course I saw this as a sign...

And, against my instincts that kept screaming...NOOOOO, do not do this to yourself again...I did. I posted a profile.

I had not even finished filling out the profile when I got an instant message. I swear, I am a magnet...

IM: Hi, my name is Sam. I want to get to know you. Are you married.
ME: No....
IM: Do you want to be married?
ME: Not right now....
IM: Oh...Do you have children?
ME: Yes.
IM: Oh...well we can work around that.
ME: Really?
IM: Oh yes. Do you date other men?
ME: Not right now.
IM: Good. Can you come to New Mexico?
ME: Why?
IM: I want to marry you.
ME: Uhhh....I gotta go.

Ok, should I just delete my profile now? Oh no, not me...Let's take this a little farther.

There is a forum on the site - ok a few of them - but one that caught my attention. A member was offering advice on profiles. Since mine never seems to get me too far, no matter where I post, I thought it could not hurt to ask for some advice.

Apparently, my picture sucks. I guess I should have gotten the message when someone on another site I posted on commented that he already had a dog.

Mr. Letmecritiqueyourprofile on OK Cupid asked why anyone would post such an awful picture....

ummmm...cuz it's me. I thought they'd get mad if I posted someone else...

So I took down my picture. That little grey profile of a female face is much more attractive.

I really was just looking for comments on the content of my profile...but I am guessing it was just too tough to get past that picture...

Think anyone would get past a picture of Phillipia?

Maybe then I could dazzle them with my personailty before they saw the real me:)

Peyton PHlaCe has my well-being at heart....

So Peyton PHlaCe has a new product that I - as a lucky employee - can obtain free of charge. This product monitors my activity level and thus my my calorie expenditure.

This nifty little monitoring device dangles close to my heart on a fashionable leather necklace...

And it comes with software and a USB interface for easy data synchronization...(they are watching).

I decided when the offer to be a guinea pig for this device came knocking on my cubicle, I had best take advantage. You see, on my last performance review, my boss (who I really love - but who lives on the other side of the country and has no f-ing clue how I spend my off hours) wanted to include as one of my goals for this year that I start an exercise program...

Hmmmm...okay....how about I start going to Bally's three more f-ing days a week...maybe, say, twice a day, 3 hours at a time...am I too fat for you? Ohhhh, I see...you think I'd feel better. I'll tell ya what would make me feel better...but I might get fired...

Deep breaths....

Yeah....so anyway...I ordered the monitor and installed the software and read the user manual....

The first eight days are a baseline period...sort of an evaluation.

So, how do I want to play this? Well I "forgot" to wear my monitor most of the first week...I would forget to put it on in the morning and remember to put it on when I was sitting down to watch TV or read a book or blog.

And who knew the damn thing was waterproof? Not me...so I took it off when I went swimming - the only actual exercise I do....

Since the monitor measures total body movement...well you get the picture...

You are like David. David works long hours and drives everywhere. Your goal is to increase your calorie expenditure to 399 calories per day.

Hmmm...David was looking pretty hot in his picture. I am ok being like David.

But I do have a mid-year performance appraisal coming up, so I had better try to pull this off....

Now that I am almost done with the first week of real monitoring, I am a model student - heck yeah...I am #1 (out of a zillion - cuz every PHC employee around the world has one of these toys).

I get up to pee...I have done 200% of what I did during the eval time and I have burned 20% of my calories. OK, now for a run up the steps.......ding...ding...ding...100% of my goal...I can take the rest of the day off....

And blog:)

I wonder if they need someone to try out the newest version of the defibrillator...

John Kevin, you play dead and I'll try to restart your heart....ooops, I missed.

Good friends jump in the lake for you....

Its 5:30 AM and I hear voices outside - loud voices....and then the doorbell and the phone and banging on the door - uh-oh...

My first thought is that G-man is being escorted home by a few of Willoughby's finest...

But a quick look in his room tells me that he (and a few friends) are already home from their late night debauchery.

And then the doorbell and the phone and banging on the door resumes...

Ahhh - it is my favorite first-born and his friend AC...

Me: Why are you banging on the door? - come on in...

LDboy: Unlock it...let us in...

Me: Oh its locked - that's strange...yeah, I know it should be, but you know me...

LDBoy: Got any warm-up food???

Me: Why are you two all wet? Where have you been?

AC: Uhhh...swimming in the lake...

LDBoy: And dry clothes?

Me: Say what???

So I scrounge through G-mans drawers (actually baskets - because he claims it is my job to put his clothes away - but I digress) and get the boys some dry clothes....

Me: Now spill it...

AC: Your son wanted a cigarette (after 4 weeks of being smoke-free) but me, being the good friend that I am - refused to let him buy any....

LDBoy: He actually paid the gas station attendant not to sell me any...that bitch...I still want a cigarette...

AC: He said he would do anything for a smoke - just name it...So I picked something totally off the wall that I figured he would not attempt...but your son is crazy...

Me: Yeah...he is...all my kids are...they get it from their Dad.

AC:I told him if he could swim out farther in Lake Erie than I could, I would give him a cigarette.

LDBoy: I was already in the car, so we were on the road two minutes later. I know I can swim and am use to cold water; he is use to warm beaches. I should have been good.

AC: Should have gets you nothing...

LDBoy: Yeah, well after I was in the water a couple minutes, I started thinking about what else might be in the water with me besides AC...and so I sort of let him win...

AC: Let me win???? Hey buddy, win this...

Me: Have you two been drinking?

LDBoy: No, ask the cop..

Me: Cop????

AC: He really wanted to arrest us for something...

LDBoy: Wish I coulda read his mind...we have two..uh guys, here just out for a late nite swim we think...

Me: Where were you?

AC: The beach...

Me: What Beach?

LDBoy: In Mentor somewhere...we just put Beach in the Garmin and it took us there...

Me: So, you drove from Akron to Mentor for a 4:30 AM jump in the lake?

LDBoy:The cop said the same thing....

Me: I bet....

AC: I told him we don't have any lakes in Akron.

Thanks for being a friend AC.

Say what???

I got several calls to my cell phone this weekend from this #: 254720634224

Yeah, I know - it's got too many digits to be a real phone number...that's what made me curious...

I missed the first call and almost called back - cuz usually when someone calls my cell, they need or want to get a hold of me..and G-Man was out god knows where doing god knows what (yeah, I let god handle it)...

Anyway, realizing it was not a local #, I googled it - well the first 10 digits anyway...cuz that's all that really matters, right?

It is a cell phone with a Texas area code...oh shit....

Who do I know in Texas that is up to any good? Noone...

But the next time they called, I let my curiosity get the better of me and answered...

Me: Hello?
Texas: Hello? hello? I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap
Me: Who is this?
Texas: Who is this?
Me: Hey, I asked first!!! And you called me....
Texas: I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap...
Me: Identify yourself in English - an English that I can understand - or I am hanging up...
Texas: blah-blah-mush-blah-crap-giggity-do-giggity
Me: Click....

A few hours later he (I assumed it was a he although it was a little hard to tell - the voice did have a little feminine quality to it) called back...

And I was still curious (the boredom of my so called life had set in) - so I answered...

Me: Hello?
Texas: Hello? hello? I am looking for blah-blah-mush-blah-crap-creep-giggity-boo-hah-crap
Me: This is not ...hell, I don't know...leave me alone already...why did I answer this call...thank God it is the weekend and it is not costing me anything - I hope...
Texas: I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap...
Me: Just shut the fuck up til you learn English, ok?
Texas: Click...
Me: And don't call back, ya here?

Problem solved:)

Enough already...

The name is Phillipia - as in Sr. Mary...

Not Phil or Phillip or Melvin (wonder where that came from)....

Do I look like a guy?

Do I look like I have a penis?

Do I look like I want to spend money enlarging some guy's penis?

If you answered NO to all of the above...and you damn well better had...

STOP sending me advertisements for Cialis and Viagara and any other penis enhancing secrets...

Or wait, maybe I should order some to slip into the drink of....

Hmmm, how does that shit work anyway????

Today is my lucky day:)

Really, that's what my horoscope says....

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning June 6, 2009
You can meet new friends who will let you know just how valuable you are. Females may put demands or added responsibilities on you. Don't trust a deal that looks too good, or a lover who appears to have it all. Help those incapable of taking care of their personal affairs.

Your lucky day this week will be Sunday.

Well, it's Sunday, and here I am luck...come and show your face:)

God knows I can use some luck right now...good luck, that is...

Don't need any more of that bad luck shit...won't take any more of that bad luck shit...

Sometimes I Amaze Me...

I can be so brain dead at times.

I was helping a friend redesign her website - actually I was bartering for G-man's senior pics, but I digress.

Between the two of us we could not get proofs to show up on her web page.

We added pics to the template...We uploaded the pics via ftp...

Where'd they go??? I can see them on the ftp...they are there - why aren't they showing up? Ok, let me think about this....

For a week....

And several emails and calls to the template vendor...

It must be your server's fault - you are doing everything right and our template works for everyone else...

And several calls to the hosting vendor...

Check your template...I can see everything on the ftp...

So, let's just take down the site and upload it again...

Wa-lah...there are your pictures. I see them, you see them, everyone sees them...
So let's try to add some more...
Damn, you want it to work twice...in the same night?

Here we go again...add...upload...check ftp...

Oh fuck...not again.....
Looks like you are just going to have to reload your site each time you add a pic...

Yeah, that went over about as good as a 50# lead weight...(oooh, I have not heard that since I asked Dad how Mom liked the iron he got her for Mother's day last year, but I digress).

No senior pics for G-man at this rate...

Let's rethink this...

The template is in flash. Ok, I admit I have never designed using flash...but shit, how hard can it be?

We add files, we upload the files, they are on the ftp, but they do not show up on the site unless we reupload the whole damn site...

And then the light came on...

What a moron I felt like...of course, neither the template vendor or host provider confirmed that we were uploading the .xml and other files associated with the template...so they are morons, too.

Honestly, I am still not exactly sure what specific files we needed to re-upload but the few we did made everything work like a charm...

Now if I can get my football countdown to game 1 clock and G-man's countown to graduation calendar files up and working decently (no promise of pretty), I will have had a fairly productive weekend....

Back to productivity...

To be young and think the world of yourself...

G-man is afraid of spiders. Actually all of my kids are afraid of spiders. I am afraid of spiders, but not quite as much as my kids.

A few weeks ago I heard a scream from the shower upstairs...you'd think there was a girl up there, but it was just G-man (I have to believe if there was a girl he would not have admitted to the scream).

Me: You ok up there G-man?
G-man: Yeah, I'm fine.
Me: What happened?
G-man: I'm FINE!!!!

Ok then...He's fine.

A few minutes later as he is getting ready to leave for school (I believe)...

Me: Are you ready to go...
G-Man: In a few.. (what - minutes??? hours??? days ??? just asking because I want to know what to tell them next time they call and say you aren't at school: oh, don't worry, he'll be along any day know)
Me: I am going to get a quick shower and head into work.
G-man: Watch out for the spider up there...
Me: Oh, so is that what the scream was about?
G-man: It was huge. Quit laughing..it was...huge...

WAS- that is the key word, because the only spider up there was almost big enough to see...Of course, I am aging and my eyes are not what they used to be, but still...

Then, just yesterday, G-man was telling me about this HUGE reddish orange spider crawling on his arm as he is driving down the main drag of Willoughby OHIO...

G-man: This thing was huge, Mom.
Me: As huge as the one you found in the bathroom last month?
G-man: At least...quit laughing - it was HUGE.
Me: Whose laughing? (I have a natural smile - I cannot help that it is evil looking.)
G-man: So anyway, I stopped my car, got out, took off my flip-flop and starting beating the hell out of that spider - then through his ass out of my car...
Me: In the middle of the road - on Euclid Avenue????
G-man:Yeah, this thing was huge, probably deadly.
Me: Not in front of the police station I hope???
G-man: Around there...
Me: Say what??? Are you crazy??? Did anyone say anything to you...you are lucky you did not get a ticket for road rage...
G-man: Mom, cool it, I'm G-man...noone is going to say anything..you worry too much...

Say what???? I worry too much???

How do you get through doors, because your head is so big, there is not a door big enough...

Time for a take down session, buddy...

Mom vs G-man...

And rest assured MOM will win...

MOM (aka Sr. Mary Phillipia) had GOD on her side...

Boys - they turn into men so young.

Not Happy???

So I tried to renew three of my prescriptions online the other day - two for my BP and one for my attitude.

The attitude (aka happy) pills had no refills left. But that did not keep me from trying.

I got an email response back...

We cannot refill your happy pills without your doctor's permission. So, we talked to your doctor. Unfortunately, she does not want to give her permission. She wants you to come in for a visit to determine just how unhappy you are.

Damn, have they switched docs on me? They must have...cuz she would not, could not, forget how I get when I am not happy.

That attitude does not fix itself...so just give me the FUCKING pills, OK?

Please? So I can be happy again?

Unless you like it when I am not happy...

Not comfortable????

So at the last RM meeting of the year tonite, one of the Moms made a suggestion for next year's welcome meeting.

The welcome meeting is usually in August and incoming Freshman Moms are invited to come and see what RMs are all about...

I remember my first RM meeting three years ago...

Phillipia: So where are all the dads?
RM: Dads go to Boosters
Phillipia: I thought Boosters was Athletic Boosters....
RM: Yeah....
Phillipia: So what about the Dads whose kids are not athletic?
RM: Welcome to RMs. Let's get on with the meeting...(that's RM code for"This is how its done - we are not changing anything - shut up bitch.")
Phillipia: OK then...but this is war...I want dads here...

But I digress...

So this cool RM thought it would be a good idea if our welcome meeting was a little more welcoming...

CRM: I think we should have it at someone's house - more like a bbq or picnic ...
RM:Are you offering your house?
CRM: Well, yeah, I was...
RM: That will never work. (That's RM code for "She actually said yes; shit I thought that suggesting her house would end it.")
CRM:But I have a tiki bar...
RM:Freshman Moms feel uncomfortable going to someone's house they do not know. We will just have it here same as always.

I am sitting there not able to control myself...

Phillipia: You have a tiki bar? I vote for her house! Count me in. But I think we better check it out first...several times. I think the Moms will feel comfortable if we make sure the bar works good.
RM: We'll think about it, but not this year...

Say what??? What incoming freshman Mom would not feel comfortable having a welcoming drink to better be able to deal with the RM "this is the things the way they always were...so we are not changing..." attitude???

It sure would have helped me:)

Happy Birthday, Mom.

As I mentioned in a previous post, there is an overabundance of friends and relatives birthdays' this time of year. Today is one of the more important ones...yeah - my Mom.

My Mom amazes me...in more ways than one, but let's not digress.

Mom is a much different (more awesome) grandma than she ever was a Mom. Don't get me wrong, she was a good Mom (to all my friends).

But she is a great grandma - at least that's how my kids see her...

Mom Then: You better not come home with any thing less than a "B" on that report card or you will be grounded til the next report card comes home. Really, Mom - ya think I studied more when ya grounded me; I just learned to hate ya more...

Grandma Now: Don't worry G-man, the girls will do your homework in college.

Mom Then: Stay off the furniture. That's for company to sit on...

Grandma Now: Here just put the cushions on the floor so you are more comfortable playing your X-box

Mom Then: You are not leaving this table until you eat every last vegetable on that plate.

Grandma Now: Don't worry about finishing your brussel sprouts. Your Mom never could make them right.

Mom Then: Do I look like Timmy's Mom????

Grandma Now: Timmy seems like a nice friend; you should let G-man go on a road trip with him this summer. What can it hurt.

I luv ya Mom (and Grandma).

But he loves me....

I had breakfast with my Mom today and she was telling me about a friend of hers who has met a wonderful man who lives in Nigeria.

My Mom's friend is in her 80's and confined to a wheel chair, so she is pretty excited to have found a 50 something good looking Nigerian who wants to marry her and take care of her...

He has the rings...he cannot wait to give them to her, but first he needs some money to take care of a sick relative so said relative will be ok when he leaves for the US. $50K should cover it...

No problem. My Mom's friend had at least that much equity in her house so she has taken out a home equity loan and sent her savior the much needed $50K. He should be on his way soon...

Ah, but his sick relative suddenly had a turn for the worse. He cannot leave said relative in such dire straits. Another $50K will cover everything.

Will your bank let you borrow the money. I will repay you as soon as I get to the states. I love you so much. I cannot believe I have found such a wonderful woman to live the rest of my life with.

It took some doing, but the bank reluctantly allowed Mom's friend to borrow the money. Mom and the FBI tried to talk her friend out of this. They tried to tell her it was a scam.

You are all just jealous. John Kevin loves me and is going to take care of me. It is my money and I can do what I want with it. If you cannot be happy for me, I do not want anything more to do with you...unless you have $25K that I can borrow to help my lover come to the US...

John Kevin????? Could it be the same John Kevin who tried to get $1200 out of moi last year to get through Nigerian customs because he was dying to meet me??? Come on John...at least change your name as you move from scam to scam. So far you have been (1) a hot blonde god, (2) a tall, dark and handsome hunk, and now (3) a dredlock wearing not so hot Nigerian. And each time you have lost your wife in a terrible car accident...oh the tragedy of it all. But you and your son will survive - with a little help from the next love of your life...

$125K so far...omg...what a fool believes...

Wedding Invitation...

If there ever was a wrong reason to go to a wedding...

I take that back...this does not stack up anywhere near to Wedding Crashers, but in every day (not the movies) life, this is pretty good.

Count me in...

A Peyton PHlaCe co-worker employs an Amish cleaning lady (yeah said co-worker must make lots more than I do) - an OCD Amish cleaning lady, but that would make this post crazy long and I have other things I should be doing, so I'll leave that for some other day...

Anyway, said co-worker received a wedding invite from her cleaning lady...

• I am getting married next month. Alright...now you can get rid of that embarrassing last name "Lapp" and my husband can quit making jokes...
• I am marrying my neighbor, Amos Lapp. ...or come up with a whole new set of jokes...
• I would like you and your husband to be at my wedding. Oh lord, how can I politely say no; we will be soooo out of place; I do not own a bonnet....
• It is on a Tuesday. Awww, tuesday is a work day in non_amish country...damn...and I so wanted to be there...
  
• ...in the late evening.....wonder how late i have to work that Tuesday...
• ...at my parents home in Amishville. Ah...a small family wedding then - maybe we can handle this.
• We only invited about 650 people. Scratch that.
• They say to only expect half to show up...geez, only half of the county?...damn...and "they" being who????...the other half???
• We are putting tents up in case it rains... ya mean we won't all fit in your house???? how many outhouses are the men constructing???
• We have trained the goats to be gentle...gentle??? at what????
• So will you be there? ...Wouldn't miss it for the world...care if I bring a friend? a nun - she needs some fodder...I mean material...I mean she loves weddings...
  

Guilty!!!!

...til proven innocent...that's my my new motto!

My very very strict Catholic up bringing taught me to believe everything anyone told me...

If there is any tongue in that kiss you are going straight to hell, young lady! (Can I have tongue in hell?)

Yeah, I've heard it all....

• Honey, I want to try again...just let's not tell anyone, ok? ooookaaay - it will be our little secret that you are screwing me and my best friend and her mother...
• How about I live in the basement so I can be here when you need me. Sure hon...that way you can get what you need from whore bitch next door in our house so she can get away from her uptight husband and ...geez, do I look that much like a fucktard...don't answer that.
• She left me...with all the bills. But you like Bill...
  
• I'm not married..technically. Say what????
• I want to come see you but I lost my plane ticket. Flap your arms...
• I'm on the next bus. ...to god knows where.
• If only I wasn't stuck in customs...I would be there with you...Customize this, asshole!
• I feel something special between us...Keep it to yourself, buddy!
• I didn't write cuz I didn't know what to say. "Hello" would have been good for starters...
• It wasn't my fault...I swear to God...and on my mother's grave...You're right...it's all my fault...for being so difficult...I'm soooo sorry...
• I found myself at the bottom of a river but managed to get the cement shoes off ...Damn, good help is sooo hard to find...
• I will never ask you for money, ever! ...unless you really really really need it
• I will never hurt you, ever! That didn't hurt - much...I can grow a new heart.
• Expect something from me next week. Dear John, ...
• I'm on a mission from God...okay, I haven't quite heard that one yet, but any day now..
  

But Phillipia is turning over a new habit...

From this day forward, every guy I meet will automatically be classified as "jerk" until proven otherwise....proven not promised...

Yeah... it has only taken me 35 years to come to this realization. For the first 16 years of my life, the nuns kept the boys away from me. In their convent closet, but away...

Where are the nuns when I need them????

Hold on, I'll be right back - I just need to grab something from my closet...

We have a talker...

Yeah, we got a new worker in the office this week...Our boss hired a paid intern because she does not count as a head - hmmm, somehow that does not make sense, but then I do get confused easily...

But she does have one - a head that is, with a mouth...

Yeah she's a talker...to herself..to anyone who will listen...

Oh, sorry. Did not realize you had headphones on...but now that you don't...

Actually InternGirl seems pretty nice. It is probably just a case of new office jitters that makes her want to tell us in detail, step by step, what she is doing as she is doing it....

Or maybe she read my ranting FML instant messages to her cubemate and figured she'd better keep communicating...

Who is this person?????

So I was updating my MySpace and FaceBook profiles yesterday...just because I was bored...

I must have been high when I published those profiles...

First all, I am supposedly in a relationship...wonder who he is...hope he's hot...

So I tried to change my marital display to not display at all, because who really cares? And why does it matter. Well, apparently WTF cares is not a choice once you choose to display something. Well, I am single and I am divorced...which shall it be? Let's go with divorced, if that does not work out for me I can always be single again....

And then I happened to notice my phone number....wonder if anyone has been calling that number...maybe I should call it just to see who is there...

How many times do I have to say it...there is no Phillipia here - you have the wrong fucking number...

My apologies...

Wanna buy a pony?

So I have been watching a cat for a friend who moved and could not keep her. Stupid me...just for a couple weeks has been over three months now...

Ya think I would have learned...that's how I ended up with the last three cats I had....

I found her half dead in the cold...could you watch her till I find her a new home...

Like then 8-yr old CareBear was going to let me send her to a new home...

And then there was the male cat from hell...who only got along with G-Man - not sure why because he treated him like shit...oh yeah, guys like that don't they?

And then the black cat because my good friend Tequila Rose's Mama Cat had her umpteenth litter (whore) and I made the mistake of taking CareBear to see the cute lil newborn kitties....

CB: Please, Mom, please...and I know daddy wants one for his house...
Me: Sure he does...let's not even ask him first (ex's evil laugh)

Two, two cats to one lil girl...good day for TR...

So I was visiting Tequila Rose and Fire Marshall again the other night and thought it was a good chance for some payback. There was a group of us sitting around the bonfire - after the hot fire chief came and left because the fire was a little much for roasting weenies (he should have seen the weenies)...but I digress...

Me: So, TR, I was chatting with your little girl the other day and she wants a cat...
TR: Noooo, you must have misunderstood...she wants a pony...
Me: Hmmm...I have a pony...it is awesome, it is cat-size...and house-trained...
TR: I've seen your "pony"...keep it...momma cat is about to give us some ponies of our own...
Me: Whorecat still can?
FM: CareBear, don't you want a cat? (evil laugh)
CB: Yeah, but my BF's allergic...he almost died last time we visited Mom's; but I do love cats ...
BF: Yeah she does, we take the cat..I'd be gone
FM (to BF): Just take the cat - it does not have to make it all the way home...(evil, evil laugh)
BF: It is a really nice killer cat, and if I took it there is no way I could not take it home...because, well, I do not want to find out if CareBear loves that cat more than me...

So, I still have a cat...and keep asking myself why...why am I trying to give her away, that is...she is a nice, friendly cat...

• So friendly that she wants to lay across my keyboard while I try to work and or blog....
• So friendly that she no longer wants to settle for sleeping at the foot of the bed, but as close to my face as possible...
• So friendly that she leaves me more and more presents in the litter box...
• So friendly (with the neighbor cats) that she runs through my feet out the door everytime I open it...

FM: There ya go...problem solved..just pretend you do not see her next time she runs out the door ...
Me: I tried that with the last cat...a week later she ran back in when I wasn't looking...covered with fleas...damn...

A new exercize routine...

Nothing has been working...
I walk over 2 miles a day...
I swim at Bally's at least three times a week...
But I am still gaining weight...
If I were not so old, I would think I was prego; hey, if immaculate conception worked for Virgin Mary it could work for Mary Phillipia...

So, after a little research I am about to start a new routine....
I am going to Pole Dance my way to fitness...oh yeah...
Just think - I get to wear hot pants and stilettos (the recommended attire) while learning to climb the pole, swing on it, twirl around it, and make pleasure faces that say I want you in my pants....
Hot pants are a must so I can grip the pole with my bare legs. ..
Stilettos are required in order to master strutting my stuff...
The curriculum includes lessons on strip-tease and table dancing...

So not only will I get fit and have fun, I will have the skills for a new career if I get let go from my current position...

Doc said...

A good friend of mine emailed me a summary of a recent conversation she had with her new doctor. The email also included profuse apologies for her previous aggressive attempts to encourage me to change my lifestyle and eating habits "for my own good".

Friend: I've been doing a cardio workout 3x a week so I feel younger and live longer...

Doc (interrupting): Are you crazy? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Friend: The doctor I was seeing before told to me to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.

Doc: Then why are you here? Oh yes, he passed away didn't he. Think about this... What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Friend: I drink a glass of wine a night - maybe 5-6 nights a week; is that too much?

Doc: Not at all. If I were you, I would add a brandy and a beer or two to your daily intake. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Friend: I am worried about my body/fat ratio; is there a simple method for calculating that?

Doc: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Friend: I have pretty much stopped eating fried foods per my previous doctor's orders. But I am missing them. Are they really that bad for me??

Doc: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Friend: I have been faithfully doing sit-ups every night, but my belly seems to get bigger instead of smaller...

Doc: Duh! Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Friend: Is chocolate really that bad for me?

Doc: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Friend: Will swimming help my figure?

Doc: Sure - if you like the figure of a whale!!!

Remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body...

I say skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride."

Happy Birthday, Friend

So, I made a new friend this year, I think...

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is my friend and who I just wish was my friend...

But anyway, Happy 48th Birthday, Friend.

I was reading a little about Mat 22nd Geminis and this friend sorta fit the bill:

Geminis born May 22 have great charisma and the ability to draw attention to themselves. They may be lofty and intellectual one day, earthy and intense another. They have a spiritual side they seldom reveal to others. For this reason they usually keep personal beliefs to themselves. What do you believe in, anyway?



May 22 individuals are generally seen as leaders by others, though they may not see themselves in this role. Members of their inner circle are very much in awe of them. Love can be a complicated thing for them. No, really?

They may be unwilling to see the problems and failings of a beloved individual. Ok, this is not you - you seem to see where I fail better than I do.

May 22 natives believe in the traditional family values. This is especially true if they weren't involved in a close family unit as children. They take an active interest in the lives of their children. They are strict disciplinarians, yet fair. They are likely to impress upon their youngsters the importance of honesty and integrity. Ummmm...ok...:)

These folks are naturally healthy and work very hard to keep themselves in top physical condition. They like plain food, cooked simply. They require a lot of protein in their diet, and water should be their beverage of choice. Ok, unless Jim Beam is the new water...

The written and spoken word has great meaning for May 22 natives. Though intelligent, they don't flaunt their knowledge. They are also generous to their friends and family. I really do want to be your friend:)

Things May 22nd Geminis should embrace: A healing spirit, perfection, balance. Ok, my lack of balance, especially after a few shots, could be a good reason for you to avoid my friendship...

Things May 22nd Geminis should avoid: Being quarrelsome, self-interest, obsession. Geez - just what I needed...to give you a few more reasons...

Just Ignore this post and have a happy birthday without me...I do hope the next 12 months are better for you than the last...

Honestly...

So I just got home a little bit ago...it has been a long day.

I went into work a little later than usual - since I have been working later I might as well start later...hopefully I will not shift my schedule so much that I am on LDBoy's schedule...but I digress...

Anyway, I worked til about 6:15, then stopped by my Dad's and wished him a happy birthday. He started telling me about the good old days and then started telling me again...I am getting a lil worried about him...but he still knows who I am and how many kids I have and some other details I wish he would forget...

Then I stopped at Wal-Mart to return the vacuum that didn't suck the way it should (per a previous post) and picked up a few flowers for my deck and flower bed area. Totally unlike me - not sure what I was thinking...I hope the domestication shit lasts until I get them planted...

I started sweating profusely while carrying the flowers to the deck...I honestly could not tell if I was over doing it (I am outta shape) or having another mid-life hot flash. Either way, I should have lost a few pounds...

So now it is time to sit down, relax, and have a nice cold Molson...

Answer honestly...
Would you prefer....
To be an Old West Outlaw
- or -
A1920s mobster?

Duh...neither...but who would I want to date given the choice...

I am definitely an old west outlaw type of girl...a cowboy hat and boots and jeans and a little dirt Clint Eastwood kind of outlaw...oh yeah...gets me all hot and bothered thinking about him...

None of that suit and tie shit 1920s mob guy for me...

Honestly...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad’s birthday…
Which got me to thinking…I know an awful lot of people with birthdays around this time of year…

Several friends… May 18^th, 22^nd, 30^th, June 2^nd…

My Dad today…

My brother on the 23^rd…

My late grandpa on the 24^th…

My Mom on June 1^st…


Hmmm…brings to mind one of my favorite Neil Diamond tunes…Hot August Night

I am good luck:)

So once again I am a winner...well, G-Man was the real winner.

Monday night, his Dad and I escorted him to a local radio station's awards dinner for earning Player of the Game in Week 8 of last fall's regular football season.

It was an enjoyable evening. The award presenter is well-known in the area for promoting local athletes and has been a friend of G-Man's since 5th grade basketball....

G-Man and 45 other area football/basketball players got (yet another) plaque and some attention from local coaches and parents.

G-Man's dinner was complimentary. Dad and I paid $12 each. Dinner included a door prize raffle ticket...

Of the three of us, whose number was pulled first? ...yeah, that's right....#196 belonging to Phillipia. Not only was my prize first of the three of us - it was one of the first 5 of the night to be pulled...

So come on up and get a prize from the table...

I'll take that blue tooth headset there worth almost $2o - that will pay for my dinner and make G-Man pretty happy with me too:)

...because by the time his Dad's number and his got pulled there was not much left to choose from; but dad did walk away with a Notre Dame College (as opposed to university of) T-shirt and a rather nice, warm winter shirt (made in Russia warm) with a certificate for free embroidery.

Yes, the made in Russia shirt was valued at much more than the Blue Tooth headset, but value is in the eye of the beholder - and G-man was not eyeing that shirt. Phillipia wins the heroine to her favorite youngest child award.

That is favorite youngest as opposed to favorite and youngest; just needed to clear that up in the event that LDBoy or CareBear happened upon this post...

Misbehavin?

Last night I was trying to renew a couple of library books online (since I have been reading more blogs than books lately). Twice I tried to open the library home page and this is what I got in return:

CGI Error
The specified CGI application misbehaved by not returning a complete set of HTTP headers.

Shame on you CGI application - start returning headers....completely...in sets - whatever the hell that means.

Now my books are overdue and I cannot renew them online because the CGI was misbehavin'...guess I will just have to renew Humor Bloggers for Idiots in person. Damn.

The pressure's on...

Got to be funny...or I will get kicked out of the first club to let me in since 5th grade....

Please don't make me leave HBDC...I will be funny. I promise.

Just not right now, 'cuz I seem to have funny block.

Sometimes when life sucks, it is hard to be funny.

Does funny-looking count???? ...'cuz that I am!

Hey quit eating my hat - that's all I got.

One more all-nighter...

Friday night was busy...

Let's back up a little....Thursday night, I was browsing and came across Mental Poo which kept me entertained for most of the night and into the wee hours of the morning. So much so that by the time I finally quit reading/lol I had less than two hours before it was time to get up and get ready for the office. Needless to say, G-man did not get the courtesy of Mom's breakfast Friday morning and went to school hungry and crabby....thank you moog...

Friday at the office I did my best to stay awake, look alive and act like I gave a rat's ass about what I was doing....The two jet fuel pills I took before I headed out helped a tiny bit with that endeavor.

Friday evening I had plans to meet a new friend and talk about a vested interest - trading services for services. Get your mind out of the gutter; we were talking professional services. But the half hour conversation lasted about 2 and a half hours.

Then it was time to get ready for the after-prom I had volunteered for, so I hopped in the shower, popped a couple more jet-fuel pills and off I went.

I love working after-prom, seeing all the kids having fun and visiting with other parents. I had so much fun that I did not have a problem staying awake...

Til I got back home...at 4:30 am...

I walked in the door, noticed a couple of bodies in the living room, mumbled hello, and headed up to bed.... and that was all she wrote....till about noon...

....when I stumbled down the stairs to see who was in my living room...it was just a couple of G-man's friends - damn.

But I grabbed my favorite place on the couch and tried to act like a nice Mom for a bit - until I nodded off mid-conversation. Actually, it was pretty much mid-sentence...

I woke several times during the next few hours ...or they woke me...

Mom, wake up, you're snoring...really loud...

Damn cold...I kept promising to go back up to bed, but nodded back off before I got the words out of my mouth...

When they couldn't take it any more, they left - to their own homes and not-so-annoying families. G-man headed for work.

I kept sleeping...or trying to. I actually woke myself up a couple of times...took me a bit to realize what god-awful sound woke me, but yeah, it was me...

About 8:30 PM, I woke one more time...to the phone...G-man calling from work, telling me he is going out with some friends and asking if I will give him a ride home if he stays out past curfew...

We are just going to hang out and play halo and you slept all day anyway...so if I need a ride at 4:00 am, will you come and get me so i do not get arrested for breaking curfew?

Sure, G-man. One more all nighter will not kill me...anything for you...well not anything...no, I will not do that...don't even go there...you've been warned...