Tuesday, June 22, 2010

OPHiCe Politics...

I think I have it figured out....

The nastier you are to those who work with and for you...

And the more you point out what they do wrong and how you could do it better if only you were given the chance....

The better you look in the eyes of upper management..

And the more kudos you get in the form of reward points and pay increases...

Lucky I do not care how I look to upper management....

Unfortunately, the pay increase would be a blessing...

So I am practicing...

Shitting on people...

I am not very good at it...

Any advice?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day!

To all the Dads out there....

Especially mine...
I love you Dad...

Even when I do not like everything you do...

or did...

or will do...

But maybe I can use you to make a few bucks, like Justin...
Shit My Dad Says
I think I will start visiting more and writing down shit you say...
I have to write it down because I am older than Justin and cannot remember what you said at breakfast this morning...

But I know it was funny, because I do remember laughing...

Only you did not think it was funny...you were serious...

Which means I could probably make some money off of it...

If  only I can remember what it was...

Getting old sucks, Dad.

Yeah, I know you know that better than me...
And I know you never say "shit" or "fuck"...
At least not when you think I can hear you...

Phat Phil....where are you?

I think Phat Phil may return to this blog in the very near future...

Stay tuned.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Flight Tracking....

So the kids were on on their way back from Cozumel...


I was not sure what flight they were on or what airlines...

I just knew they would get into Cleveland about 10:00 PM...

I am not much of a flyer, so I rarely check the status of  flight arrivals/departures...


But, for kicks and giggles, I thought I would see if I could figure out what flight they were on and when exactly G-Man would be home....


So I could get all the guys out before he got there...


Clean up after my week of partying....


But I digress...


Anyway, it was easy enough to figure out what flight they were probably on...


And what I thought was even cooler was that I could track the flight in real time...


As it is flying over the Gulf of Mexico...


Heading for Dallas Fort Worth....
To DFW: 992 miles
From CZM: 165 miles
To DFW: 857 miles
From CZM: 200 miles 
To DFW: 797 miles
From CZM: 260 miles
To DFW: 797 miles
From CZM: 260 miles
To DFW: 797 miles
From CZM: 260 miles
To DFW: 797 miles
From CZM: 260 miles


WTF???????


Is it stuck????


Did it go down????

To DFW: 483 miles
From CZM: 574miles
Whew...that's better.


Note to Airlines...


If you are going to update real time...


Update consistently....


I wonder how many phone calls they get from first time users like myself?

Did the plane go down?????
Are my kids OK???
Why did it stop in the middle of the ocean for 20 minutes???? 
There's an oil spill down there ya know...

I didn't call....


Really, I didn't...


Well, I did, but while I was dialing, the real time update updated....


 



Friday, June 18, 2010

Peyton PHlaCe survey says....

So management recently sent out a survey about helath benefits for the next year...

One of the questions asked:
Would you be willing to follow a program to reduce the cost of your health insurance premiums?

You mean a Peyton PHlaCe Activity Monitor program????

Sure, no problem...

We all know how that works...

Throw it in the dryer for 18-20 mins on low and you have reached your goal for the day.

Dryer on the fritz? 

No problem.... 

Let you cat wear it around its neck while you chase it with a laser pen....

No cat????

No problem....

Twirl it like a set of car keys as you watch your favorite show....

Or as you sit in that long-ass meeting about the state of the company....

Life is good...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Open Letter to my kids....

I love you guys....

I like your friends, too...

Most of them, anyway.

And I like some of them because I like them - not just because they are your friends...

So....


Having said that.....


Forgive me if I do not understand when you feel the need - as all of you have in the not too distant past - to message me something to this effect....


Mom, quit posting on so and so's wall - I am not talking to them anymore...
A simple:
Wow, so and so is such a bastard/bitch/ashole....you would not believe what he/she did...I am not talking to her/him

...would suffice....

Then I can make up my own mind about whether or not I post on his/her wall....

I may have something to say to the bastard/bitch/asshole...

....

...

....

Just saying...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Being short is bad for your health....

Who would have thunk?

Short People at Risk for Heart Problems: Risk is 50 Percent Greater
Ya gotta love some of the possible explanations in this article...
Being short might be a result of being poor, meaning people of small stature could be undernourished and vulnerable to health problems in general.
There could be a biological explanation, such as a hormone imbalance that hurts the heart.
Because short people have smaller arteries, those could theoretically get clogged quicker with cholesterol and be more easily damaged by any changes in blood pressure

And, as the study's lead author says:
"Height is only one factor (among many) that may contribute to heart disease risk...focus on other things like not smoking, eating a balanced diet and exercise. Those are easier to change than your height."
And to that I say:
"Duhhh!"

I have been trying to grow up for years - it is just not happening...

Truthfully, I think the risk for heart problems is higher for short people like myself because we have a bigger, more giving heart...

And after all that giving...well there is only so much heart ...


But for once I am glad my kids took after their dad's family - at least in the height department.




And no matter what ....
 
Short people rock!




Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I want an iPad...

But not as bad as this guy....

And I surely not willing to trade my pot for it...

Not that I have any pot to trade....

Or that I would post a picture of on Craig's List ...

Monday, June 14, 2010

It was Puppy Love...

I got to spend time with CareBear's puppies this weekend.

I was a little concerned because the newest addition to the family is still pretty shy around anyone except CareBear.

But my concern was unfounded.

Brownie decided she liked me pretty quickly...

Enough to take treats right out of my hand....

Enough to sleep in the bed with me...

Which did not please Taz too much as he seemed to think he should have me all to himself...

Talk about sibling rivalry...

Taz pretty much moped around when I paid the least little bit of attention to Brownie...

But a trip to the ice cream stand for a foot long hot dog got me back on his good side...

At least until bedtime...when he growled at Brownie any time she inched a lil closer to me on the bed...

Friday, June 11, 2010

I have found a solution to my financial woes....

The answer to all my financial problems was in my inbox today...how exciting...

Some poor guy got killed in a plane crash in Nigeria on Christmas Day 2003...

Apparently he has no next of kin to claim the $7 M USD he had on his person while traveling....

I got a an email from "The Desk Of .Dr.Malik Ali. Bill And Exchange Manager.BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)"..

Somehow Dr. Ali has gotten his hands on these funds and they have to be distributed within 5 years of the crash date....

I just need to figure a way to go back in time a couple years....

And Dr. Ali believes he can trust me because in his own words:
"When i was searching for a foreign partner i assured of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity when i prayed to God or Allah about you."
You got to love a man who prays to God or Allah....

You think it is coincidence that his bank has the same initials as the bank that holds my mortgage?  I am thinking a transfer of funds should be simple...

Next time B.O.A. calls and asks when I think I will pay my mortgage - I can let them know that it is being taken care of by Dr.Malik Ali.

Dr Ali assured me in his email:
"...that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. "


And after I give him all of my account information so he can transfer my share of the money he plans to visit me...

"We agree that 40% of this money will be for you as foreign partner... 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 50 % would be for me, Therefore after I and my family will visit you in your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated."

How special.   
He even gave me his private number and email address...
"Contact Me On My Private Number:+226 79016648 And Email Address: dr.malik_ali101@voila.fr "
I have a feeling he has more funds available for dispersion, which is why I have shared his contact info with you....

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Vacation is around the corner....

Not for me, but for the kids and their Dad....

Which is really like a vacation for me, too:)

Not having to wonder where G-Man is for a whole week...

Not having to wonder if G-Man is going to be home for dinner for a whole week....

Not having to do the courteous thing and let G-Man know where I am for a whole week...

I have not had one of these vacations for a long time....

Bring it on....

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A graduation tale...

G-Man has graduated...yay!

It was touch and go there for a bit...not because his grades are bad - they aren't...

And not because he got in trouble - he didn't...get caught, anyway....

He tends to leave things to the last minute...

He pulled a couple of all-nighters last week just finishing up things that he had several weeks to do...

But I digress...

On to the tale...

On Prom Night when the announced the class superlatives, G-Man was crowned most-likely to be married several times....

Hmmm...not sure who was voting or what they were thinking...

G-Man is pretty committed to anything he decides to  do and he has been with Ames (on and off) three plus years now....

He was a lil shocked...

But one of his favorite teachers decided to help him out of the situation.

There must be a mistake....G-Man told me just the other day that he is entering the seminary.  So he is going to be married to the church...

Okay...that helped...

And at graduation practice, Mr. Favorite Teacher announced G-man as Reverend G-Man.

And yesterday, when G-Man is about to walk across the stage, Mr. Favorite Teacher says:
Gregory J Harmon...oh, excuse me, I mean G-man....

Which is bittersweet, because G-Man's Grandpa Art, his 2nd biggest football fan, who past away just last October from complications of Alzheimer's, was mistakenly calling G-Man "Greg" the last few months of his life...

Thank you Art for being there with G-Man and all of us yesterday.

About that....

I have been an active Rebel Mom since G-Man started high school.

I would have been an active Rebel Mom when CareBear was in high school but I had no idea the group existed.

I learned about it through the football team...

If you have followed my blog, you may be aware that I have not always agreed with a lot of things the Rebel moms do.

Like every other part of my life,  do not keep my feelings to myself.

So when it was time for G-Man to apply for the Rebel Mom's scholarship, I asked the board if they intended to give out the same # of scholarships they have in the past - which is 5 or 6.

Why do you want to know?

Because if you are, I am not going to push G-Man to apply  - because there are six members of the board with senior students - and he is pretty busy and I like to pick my battles with him...

You see, the scholarship candidates are selected to receive awards based on Mom's involvement and student extracurricular activities,  leadership skills, academic achievements, and  community service....and, in the words of the scholarship committee and the board:

All applications are reviewed anonymously!
There is where the credibility stops.  As much as you want to believe that all applicants are reviewed anonymously, how can you claim that?

  • The applicants name is on every page of the application....
  • There applicants must list any student government offices held including dates.
  • The students must list clubs and extracurricular activities including offices or leadership positions.
  • Transcripts from the office must be attached to the application.
  • Student must list Mom's Rebel Mom activities which will be checked against sign-in sheets for such activities... 
  • The same few Moms on the scholarship committee make the rules, collect and review the applications, and make the awards.

Granted, you can white out the applicants name before you start your review and shuffle the applications so you are not quite sure whose you are looking at...

But, if you are checking the activities listed against the Mom's activity log....
 
And how many captains of the football team are there whose Mom maintains the Rebel Mom's website????

And how many Class Treasurers are there whose Mom is VP of the Rebel Mom's board....

Sorry, but there is no f-ing way the review is anonymous...

And I understand that it would be impossible to make it anonymous....

Just quit claiming vehemently that it is, ok?

Try to maintain some semblance of credibility.

Especially to those Moms who worked their butts off and yet their kids did not get even a small piece of that scholarship.

I understand that it is totally up to you how the awards are dealt.

And I do appreciate that you awarded G-Man one of the mid-range scholarships. 

It is greatly appreciated...

But the decision was NOT  based on reviews of anonymous applications....



Thursday, June 3, 2010

If it weren't for bad luck....

Last weekend during the early summer Ohio heat wave the air conditioner in the condo stopped working...

I was thinking of getting it looked at, fearing the damages would be too much for me to be able to handle...

But that is not  a problem now...

Glad  I waited...

Now  I have more pressing problems

As I was trying to leave work a few minutes ago, my car just fell a part.

I barely got out of the parking space.

The front end just fell - I figure either a spring - again - or a tie rod - again.

Oh and it tore my brand new tire to shreds....again...

Yes - this has happened before.

Deja Vu....

Have you driven a Ford lately?

I am sitting here at work waiting for a tow truck.

Apparently it is a busy night for tow trucks...

I have another hour and a half to get some more work done....

Lucky me....

If life gives you melons....

...you may be dyslexic :)

I got a call today from a friend who I had not heard from in awhile.

What a breath of fresh air...

What a fun conversation.

Hopefully we will continue it soon...

And then I had another conversation via instant message with an online chat buddy that I hope NOT to continue...

I swear, everytime I hear from this guy, it is the same conversation...

Hi, this is Dicktard. 
    Hello..
Remember me?
    Yeah....we chatted a few weeks ago.
I know it has been awhile...your name is Phillipia, right?
     Last I checked, yes.
Where do you live?
     Same place I lived last time we chatted.
I do not have my chats archived so I do not remember where that is...
     I do not have my chats archived but I remember where you live....
So where do you live?
     MotherHouse
Hmmm.  Are you married?
     I am a nun.
No, really.  You are divorced, right?
     Right now I am at work and really busy.
Are you curvy?

      You like curvy?
Curvy is nice.
     I am NOT curvey - sorry...
I bet you are...

   Hey my curvy boss just walked in - gtg.

Ok, hun.  TTYL, sweetie.

Yeah....sure...TTYL....

Note to self: Make Phillipia invisible to this guy on yahoo chat...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Two more weeks of madness....

G-Mans' Prom is over....

CareBear has graduated (cum laude, no less)...and with Josh Cribbs, who got a standing ovation just gor graduating...

LDBoy is back in Belize acting Roman

I am still working on Track web and Peyton PHlace projects and G-Man's end of senior year stuff - like making sure he finishes everything he needs to do to graduate...

Hope to be back soon....

I miss you guys:(

Friday, May 7, 2010

Attention!!!

So all week there have been signs posted on the doors of Peyton PHlaCe that there would be a test of the severe weather alarm system at a designated time/date....

Ignore the instructions - it is a test....

So the designated time/date arrives and DEAFENING alarm goes off....

With an announcement....

ATTENTION!!!
SEVERE WEATHER IS PROCEEDING TOWARD OUR AREA!!!
PLEASE PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO A SEVERE WEATHER SHELTER AND STAND BY FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS...
I REPEAT!!!

And she did - with sirens blaring....

For a whole half hour.

Meanwhile....

Outside the building...

Severe weather IS proceeeding toward our area...

But of course no one pays attention...

Because it is a test:(

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Survial Date: June 6th!

I am not dead! 

Sorry for my ex and anyone else that thinks their life would be better without me in it....

I have still just been really, really, really busy....

But June 6th is my survival date....

If I can survive till then, things should slow down....

Three projects at work will be out the door....

Two kids will be graduated....

Track will be done....

Prom/After prom will be done...

And some other stuff that I forget what it is I am working on should be done....

I am not dead - just getting older....

Which brings me to the reason I actually took time to post today....

I go this inspiring email from a friend and I felt the need to share....

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.


What does Harold do now that he is retired???  In his own words: 
Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!


Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Week in Review...

Unlike Moooooog35 over at Mental Poo, my week in review does not consist of blips from my posts from the past week.....

...because I haven't posted anything!!!!!

Yeah, I really have been busy not posting...

Monday was a normal work day after working  8+hours Sunday...

Which means, Monday I probably put in 4 good hours, because I was exhausted from Sunday...

Especially when the first email I read Monday morning informed me that some of the work I did Sunday was wasted because the writer forgot to tell me that the document that he said was done, really wasn't....

That did not put me in a good Monday mood...not that much does put me in a good mood on Monday.

Tuesday I worked a good long day, leaving the office just in time to get to the Rebel Mom meeting at the school.

There I found out that I did not miss the deadline to put an embarrassing baby picture of G-Man in the yearbook...

Payback time, G-Man....

You WILL be sorry about ratting your Mom out at Easter dinner...

Wednesday was work from home day...

It was a short work day...8 hours minus the two hours it took for my computer to reboot after it crashed around noon...

G-Man did ok at the meet considering ....

Me: What's the matter?
G-Man: Did you see how shitty I threw...or weren't you watching????
Me: So...you had a bad day....
G-Man: I wish I was running...I'm going to run if coach will let me....I'll be back...
....
....
....

Me: So.....????
G-Man: I'm running the 200.
Me: Cool....
...
....
...
Me ('cuz a Mom knows): What's the matter?
G-Man: My balls hurt.
Me: Okay - thanks for sharing.
G-Man: Really bad....I can't run....

Nothing like a night at home after a track meet with an athlete in a crappy mood because he did not do well throwing and could not run because his balls hurt....

Maybe if he had not been goofing around before the meet hurdling just to show someone he could....

And not quite making it over one of them....

But what do I know....

When the doc said rest...I thought he meant from everything that involves running...

Including jumping while running....

Anyway....

That brings us to today...

Which I will save for tomorrow...

Because I have to go put 25# of pork butt in the roaster....

So it gets done in time to be pulled...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I love my job....

LDBoy sent me this after one of my work-related rants...

It is too good not to share....


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. The following is the text of an e-mail Rob sent his sister....
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.



It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.



Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.



The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.



Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.



As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.



The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.



So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I l ove my job, I love my job, I love my job.”


Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?



May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!