I'll have the sampler....

Friday I headed down to Kent with a friend to listen to Dinosaurus Rex.

They were playing at the Outpost.

As always it was a great time.

I also enjoy listening to Third Class

I also like long island iced teas....

Where did that come from? I better back up.

Before heading down to Kent, I promised myself I would not drink too much. My ulcer has been acting up a little and it is a long drive back.

Well, that promise went right out the window after reading the mail.. (thank you Father Dick)

I started out with a Long Island Iced Tea...

Barman: Do you want bottom shelf or top shelf?
Me: It is definitely a top shelf day....
Barman: So...Absolut top shelf...
Me: Its a Grey Goose Night...
Barman: Okay, then.

And then I had another...

And then I decided I should probably eat something....

Barman: Can I get you another LIIT?
Me: Not yet, probably not tonight...Could I get a sampler platter?
Customer: Too bad they do not have a sampler platter of drinks...
Me: Oh, they do...it's called a LIIT...
Customer: Good point. Bartender, I'll have one of those...

I should get a commission for the number of LIITs I talked people into trying that night:)

There was a band that played in between DR and TC that made me glad I had the LIIT.

We decided the lead was just trying too hard to make it all about him and his long hair to do the band any good.

After TC played, I was thinking it was time to head home....

But, I really want to make sure I am sober because Brimtucky police can be real annoying...

Just as I was trying to decide - should I stay or should I go????

Pearl Jam came on...okay, not the Pearl Jam.

But they sure sounded pretty damn good.

And they looked pretty damn good too.

Good ear and eye candy:)

They are Lock 4 and are a pretty good cover band - if you like Pearl Jam, Creed, Seven Mary Three, Red Hot Chili Peppers.....

I got me a coffee (not Irish this time) and a tall cold one (H2O) and enjoyed another hour of sobering up....

Dear Anonymous....

WTF?????

You can stop now...

I am rejecting your comments that are filled with links to ads about Viagara and sex toys....

And NO I am not clicking on the ads!!!!!

Seriously!!!!

Oh Look...

Ads for divorce lawyers are popping up in my AdSense ads...

Thank you Father Dick.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Hopefully ads for obtaining free marijuana....

Purely for medicinal purposes of course...

Or, maybe toys...ya know...toys for those of us too smart to have a dick in our lives...

Open Letter to Father Dick....

Dear Father Dick,

I am sorry G-Man did not invite you to the B-W campus visit he scheduled for yesterday.

I encouraged him to.

Even if it was under my breath and out of hearing range.

I am going to take it upon myself to invite you to the football sports award banquet.

I am sure he wants you there...

He just does not want you there all high and smelling like weed and noticeably having the muchies.

I think he can handle the Crocodile Dundee/Little House Pa look.

Just as long as it is not combined with the red eyes, glazed over "I am so proud of you son, now where's the goddamn food" look....

Sincerely,

The (WTF was I thinking when I married you) Mom of our Kids

Thank you Father Dick ...

So, as you may have figured out, I am a member of Humor Bloggers...



Head on over there (after you're done here, of course) and join us as we continue our Anti-Injustice Campaign throughout November.



I was seriously having a wee bit of trouble deciding which injustice in my life I should campaign against.



But thank you Father Dick for making the decision easy.


Let me back up a bit...


My ex is father to all three of my kids....really...sadly...


He left me - or us.


Stupid me did not want the marriage to end....


But every once in a while - more like every few weeks - he does something that totally reminds me that I am glad he left - 'cuz otherwise I may still be serving a life sentence - either with him or in prison for getting rid of him....


The latest little reminder came to a head Friday evening.


Actually, it had its start over the summer - I just did not see it coming...again....


G-Man turned 18 in early October.


Father Dick assumed child support payments would stop at that time; I reminded him (when he mentioned it earlier in the summer) that child support does not stop until the child graduates from high school. He gave me that deer in headlights (or high on weed) look.

I was planning on helping take care of him anyway....(yeah, in your own dick head way)

I made sure when CSEA sent the paperwork, I wrote in G-Man's graduation date and had the school fax the necessary paper work confirming that he is indeed enrolled full-time in school and will graduate in June (unless he becomes a television evangelist before that time).



A couple of weeks after his birthday, I received paperwork acknowleding the court's decision that child support will continue until graduation...



Or so I thought....




Friday, hiding in the stack of mail on the kitchen table, was an envelope from CSEA.



Hmmm...what could this be?



The Obligor (aka Father Dickhead) has challenged the court's ruling about termination of payments. There is a hearing in November and I am welcome to use one of my vacation days to trek to the court house and make my case. Oh, I can bring a lawyer, too.



I read this short note three times, thinking, I must be reading it wrong. Am I the obligor or is he? I did not challenge anything. Why would he - it all seems pretty straight forward.



The kid is in school...he lives with me at least until he graduates - 'cuz it would be kind of tough for him to live on his own while finishing high school.



So, I call the ex....

Hey - how ya doing? Thanks for offering to lend me money to get my car fixed. Luckily it did not cost as much as I feared, so I covered it myself. But thanks for being my backup plan.



No problemo. (say what? are you smokin?)


But I just got this letter from the CSEA. Am I reading it wrong? Do we have a court date?



Yeah, I'm challenging it. I do not think the courts have the right to tell me how to take care of my adult kids.


He's still in high school....


He's taking some college classes...


Through the high school....


He's 18; he's an adult. I'll pay for what he needs; the court has no right to tell me I need to pay you every month....


Yeah....okay...I gotta go....(Click)

OMFG!!!!



So - let's see....



I can go to court and pay a lawyer to come with me so maybe my ex will have to pay me the $3500 that he would have to pay over the next few months if he did not challenge this...



Because, I have absolutely no confidence that the Summit County Courts will rule against him. (This lack of confidence has roots....by the time our divorce was final, you would have though I left him and was the worst Mom in the world.)



Or I can just go to work that day - maybe send a short statement to the courts - and take my chances.



Yeah, $3500 dollars is a lot of money to me - hell $500 is a lot of money to me...



But it is just not worth dealing with Father Dick anymore.




Yeah, Dickhead, you are right. It is an injustice. You should not have to pay me to provide a home (with heat and lights and elcectricity) or groceries or to take care of all the day to day little shit that comes up during senior year in high school...



But wait...what would you know about that???



You did not finish high school,did you? - Okay, not on time anyway...how old were you when you got your GED????



You moved out of your Mom's house senior year because she would not let you live there while you and your friends ran drugs between Ohio and Michigan....



But now I am digressing...



You bring out the worst in me...



Thank you for leaving those many years ago...when G-Man was like 6mos old...



Sorry - there I go again...

The church called today....

Hi Phillipia, we just wanted to remind you that we would like to see you at Mass once in awhile. (okay....)

And by the way, we are happy G-Man has decided to attend the Life-Teen fall retreat again this year. (That makes one of us.)

He is such an inspiration to the other kids...being so popular and all and still high on Jesus. (Is that what he has you believing?)


I gotta tell ya, quite honestly, last year when G-Man informed me that he wanted to attend a retreat, I was a little skeptical.

I figured it was an excuse to spend a weekend with Ames...at my expense.

Oh, and the $70 was due yesterday, so if you can get that to us ASAP... (If you're so happy to have him, why don't you pay him???...or at least pay his way???)

But I played the part of the good parent...

Oh, and don't forget we like parents, friends, relatives to send letters of affirmation to the teens, so if you could get those to us before we go.... (Oh, yeah, that again...)

I was so afraid of not being a good parent last year, that I asked everyone to write him a letter. I mean, it sounded like everyone gets a few letters and I did not want G-Man to be left out....

Turns out he got more letters than anyone...

I guess I over did it...

But he felt special - not that his ego needed any more boosting.

I think I will write a different kind of letter this year.

Dear G-Man:

I am happy you are getting some religion in your life
But, when I come to pick you up Sunday, if you feel the need to keep jumping around and shouting and singing and screaming about being high on Jesus for three hours after the retreat is supposed to be over (yeah, like you did last year), just remember...
As much as I love you, I do not want you to be born again.
You caused me enough problems the first time...

Seriously,
Mom

Dear Phillipia...

I found this in my email box the other day: Of course, I had to reply:

The Evolution of a Goat Closet...

...with apologies to Margaret at NGIP...

I was going to send the graphic your way, but then realized I needed some blog material of my own:)

At Peyton PHlaCe, they (the upper management gods) like to shuffle us peons around quite a bit. I believe my desk is in its 5th location since I started 7-1/2 years ago. And I am one of the slow shufflers.

Anyway, a while after our latest shuffle, one of my coworkers decided to start pulling on door handles to see if they actually opened.

As she pulled on door handle #2 - what did she discover? A closet...A coat closet.

We no longer have to hang our coats on the back of our chairs or on our cubicle wall.

The # of coats in the closet was pretty sparse for a while after we started using it.

So....

Ms. Closet Investigator decided to post a note on the wall next to the doors identifying the "Coat Closet".

A few days later, we noticed that the note had been tampered with....


Cute...

Boys will be boys....

Then today, the unidentified tamperer tampered some more....


Coming soon to a Goat Closet near you....

It's over...

This week has been crazy....

In a bittersweet kind of way...

Thursday was the last pre-game Football dinner - although we were not sure of that at the time.

Thursday, after dinner, was Senior night.

On senior night, the seniors football players sit with their parents on the stage in the auditorium.

In the audience are coaches, other team players, cheerleaders, other relatives....

The seniors each take a turn at the podium, with their parents at their side, and talk for a few minutes about their time playing football at South.

There are 28 Seniors on the '09 team - the most there has been in a long time at Willoughby South High.

Which means it was a looooong night...


If you ever feel the need to watch grown men and teen boys cry, crash a senior night at your local high school.

Coaches were crying; players were crying, Moms and Dads were crying. Babies were crying - maybe not for the same reasons, but ...

Some of the players were crying so hard they could hardly talk...

I think G-Man was wishing he had stuck with soccer - because they do not do this and he would not have had to let everyone see him cry....

But he did good, considering when he first started school many, many years ago, I could not understand a word he said and had to have CareBear interpret until the speech therapy started kicking in...

But I digress...

A couple of the players opted not to prepare ahead of time...

I'd like to thank Marty, the guy that cuts the grass. He does an amazing job. I think of him everytime I go down - like when I tackle someone.. I mean - there's a lot of grass out there to cut. He does a good job. Oh, and thanks to the coaches and my parents, too....

I want to thank my Mom - she cooks and does my laundry and takes care of the kids. And my Dad - he works hard so my Mom has food to cook for me, cuz I eat a lot. And he takes care of the kids. We all eat a lot...

I have only been on the team like two months, 'cuz I am a soccer player and you guys just wanted me for my foot, so I do not have much to say, but thanks....

....and my Mom ...fuck...oh crap, did I say that into the mike...I'm sorry coach....sorry everyone...

Friday Night was the last game of the season...'tho we were not sure of that at the time either.

The Rebels did great - took the PAC conference championship for the second year in a row.

Playoff hopes were high - just needed a few other teams to win so they could get in....

But by the time we met the buses back at the school, playoff hopes were shattered...and we once again got to watch grown boys shed tears...

Which meant that they did not feel like eating much of the hot pizza and snacks we had waiting for them, so the moms, dads, cheerleaders, random parking lot wanderers, all had a feast....

What Halloween Means to Me...

Halloween = Chocolate

It is as simple as that.

Who cares about the costume?...bring home the chocolate...

I always buy bags of candy I like for Halloween Trick or Treaters.

And I always buy way more than I need- just to make sure there are leftovers.

And when the kids were younger, I had a plan B to make sure there were leftovers....

I had the kids stop back home about half-way through their rounds.

I dumped their loot and pulled out what they did not want....

Then I pulled out what I did not want from what they did not want...

And that is what the rest of the trick or treaters knocking at my door got...seconds...

Hey - it was probably their second time around anyway...

When CareBear got old enough to go with her friends to other neighborhoods, I use to get upset with her because she would come home without any candy...

Not a single piece...unless it was in her mouth...

WTF????

I just go for fun, Mom. I do not need all the candy. I just take it
if it is something I really want...

What about ME???

Who bought that costume, anyway, princess CareBear???

Did you not one time think - oh Mom would like that, let me get it for her????

Sorry, Mom. I didn't think....that we needed it...I saw how much you bought...

I love ya CareBear. You are always looking out for me:)

But remember, when it comes to chocolate, there is never too much...

To Grandma's House We Go...

The kids' Dad lives in his Grandma's house, which, according to them, is haunted.

All three kids and some of their friends' have seen the ghosts - yes, more than one - and not just on Halloween...

They have seen an older lady standing at the foot of their bed - too old and pretty and see -through to be a lady friend of their Dad's.

CareBear has watched her door open and close several times during a night when noone else was in the house. She heard it a few more times but did not see it because she was hiding under the covers.

G-Man has been asked by a figure of a small boy to play with him. G-man rudely told the kid to get lost - he was trying to sleep.

Actually, G-Man had a friend visiting the night of that particular vision. At breakfast the next morning he mentioned to his Dad that he saw the ghost again. His friend was all like....

...you mean it was a ghost...I thought you'd think I was crazy if I said I saw a ghost...he was running up and down the hall...

LDBoy lived with Dad in the house during high school. On numerous occasions, he (and his visiting friends) heard footsteps on the stairs - not just the creaking sounds the stairs in an old house make....but heavy footsteps...when his Dad was out of town and noone else was in the house...

Dad has never seen or heard any of this...or so he says...

Of course, the blue smoke constantly emanating from his room may keep even the darkest spirits at bay...

There is a cemetery across the street from the house and there are several infants and small children buried there.

And...

Rumor has it that the county coroner lived in the house before Great Grandma...

And he used the basement as his morgue....

Catch some other more Humorous Halloween Tales of Horror over at the Humor Carnival.....

What???

Your Halloween Costume Should Be Candy Corn

I Don't think so...maybe a lemon, to go with Jose. Or a chocolate bar...but candy corn? Corn of any kind is still a vegetable... Unless it is covered in chocolate. Chocolate Candy Corn... Okay, now we're talking.

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

It's a Halloween Carnival...

Visit my Humor Blogging Buddies all week
for some sweet entertainment...

Trick or Treat Sweet, that is...

Password Protect This...

I have waaaay toooo many passwords.

I have so many that I have a spreadsheet with all of them...

Actually I have two spreadsheets; one for my Peyton PHlace passwords and another for my personal passwords.

These are not small spreadsheets either.

When I print them I use size 6 font so I can fit them on one page...and of course they are harder to read that way.

So anyone looking over my shoulder has to squint pretty hard to see what I am reading...

'Cuz they sure as hell cannot read what I am typing...************

I cannot read what I am typing.

And when I am in the middle of three things, I start typing and forget how far I got or what password I was suppose to be typing and I cannot tell where I was because all I see is *******!!!!!!

Password not recognized...try again.....try again...try again...three tries, you're locked out.

Damn....I really wanted to check my account balance. Oh well.

I believe in password protection, but let me pick my own goddamn password without six levels of security...

Nothing I have or know is worth much of anything to me or anyone else....

Unless someone thinks they can make my negative balances suddenly leap outta the red zone...

So, if it was up to me, I would use the same password for everything: ******

And I would never have to change it....ever.

But nooooo....it is not up to me.

You used that password three years ago, try again.
You used that password two years ago, try again.

Yeah, my password spreadsheets now includes my last six passwords for everything...

And of course the security answers.....

What is the name of your first pet? Hell if I remeber; I think we got the cat and the goldfish on the same day. But the cat lasted longer - does she win?

What was your first car? Clunker POS

What was your paternal grandmother's maiden name? Woah - she always used Grandpa's name. She didn't have her own name. Or was that her name, too. OMG, that's right. My grandpa married his third cousin, twice removed. I did not need to be reminded of that. Damn password security.

Holy Shit....

In the news:

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping On Area Family’s Truck

How much do you think this blessed bird shit will sell for on Ebay?

How long do you think before it miraculously appears there?

On a side note, I thought I saw an image in some dog poop in my yard the other day.
After intense scrutiny, I realized it was a footprint. I wanted to believe it was Jesus' or a saint's, but no one else wanted to believe...

That's okay. I did not really want to bag it for sale on Ebay anyway...

I'll find another way to make my millions....

Cat Lady Wisdom

I just finished working (for my day job) a few minutes ago...
It has been a long day.

I woke up with whatever G-Man had the last couple of days (which I originally, incorrectly diagnosed as Senior Skipness).

But there is too much going on at work to take a sick day, so I decided to work from home.

I actually got a boatload of work done, until I fell asleep at the keyboard about 5:00 PM.

I slept until G-Man, sharing child that he is, woke me up as he came in the door from football about 6:30.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah....

So I finished working a few minutes ago and decided to visit Cat Lady's Blog (via Facebook - which I visited first)...

After WTF Wednesday, I decided to click on her fortune cookie widget...because I could use a little wisdom.

Shit, now I forgot what it said exactly, but it was something about a no-legged running teacher...

Which just reminded me that I had an email today from G-Man's track coach (who still does have both legs, btw)...

Apparently G-Man, who hardly ran track last season because of a pulled hamstring, did run enough to qualify for the Indoor Nationals to be held in March of 2010 in Boston, MA.

So there is a parent meeting November 1st to discuss preparing for the meet (no doubt by participating in other indoor meets) and fundraising to cover expenses because none of this is school sponsored.....

All I could think while I was reading was .....aww come on, at least give me a couple of weeks to get over football!

Track is a spring sport...November 1st????

Whatever....

Damn, I almost forgot...

...until you reminded us all on Facebook that it is your half-birthday CareBear.

How nice that you are accepting presents.

Let me know how that works out for you....

As much as I love ya, I do not give half-birthday presents....sorry!

Want to know why???

Because if I give you half-birthday presents, I will feel obligated to give your brothers half-birthday presents...

And they are just too hard to buy for....

And I do not want you to feel obligated to buy me half-birthday presents when mine comes around....

See, I am doing both of us a favor:)

But Happy Half-Birthday anyway to my most beautiful, favorite daughter!!!

Though for the day...

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet
were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, I bet you're wondering now:)

And I am going to wash my hands....

Coincidence?

So I was working along at a pretty good pace this morning when I got a text message from G-Man...

G-Man: I am going to see the nurse.
Me (Pulled nuts going through my head): Why???
G-Man: I am going to throw-up.
Me: Go Fast!

A few minutes later I get a call from the school nurse....

SN: Hi Phillipia...I have your son here.
Me: Did he make it?
SN: What?
Me: Nevermind...is he really sick?
SN: Well, yeah. He looks pretty pale and sick. Can I send him home?
Me: Sure...I'm not there.
SN: He's the 10th person I sent home so far this morning.
Me: Not all to my house, I hope...
SN: What?
Me: Does he have a fever?
SN: No - half the kids had a fever, the others are just ready to vomit. And we have an unconfirmed case of H1N1.
Me: Great - can't you keep him?
SN: What?
Me: Send him home...thanks for the call.

Something was nagging at me throughout this whole conversation but I could not quite put my finger on it...



Until....



A few minutes later I happened to talk to another senior Mom...

OtherMom: My son is home sick today.
Me: Really?
OtherMom: Yeah, he went in for one class.
Me: Why did he go in at all?
OtherMom: He did not want to get in trouble for staying home on senior skip day....
Me: Oh really?

Yeah....that's what it was. G-Man had asked me late last week to call him off today. I refused, being the good Mom I am.



Apparently a lot of other Moms refused, too.



Most of the kids sent home sick were seniors....



Coincidence?



Will we ever really know?

Would you rather....

I sat down the other night after a long day at work, wanting to relax and do a little reading...

Getting all comfy on the couch....

And then I though...a beer sounds good...

So I headed to the fridge and opened the fresh case of Molsen....

As I pulled out a nice cold bottle of brew, I naturally turned it around to read the....

WTF, where'd the label go????

Would you rather have a Molsen without the "Would you rather....label" or a...

I still had the Molsen, but I was pretty depressed the whole time I drank it.

I think I need to make up some labels for the rest of the bottles in the case...

Mud Bowl IV..enough already!

I never thought I would say this, but I am ready for snow.

Because I am tired of watching Friday Night Football in the rain...

Wet cold is much worse than dry or snowy cold.

My body takes a good 24 hours to recover from sitting in a cold rain for 3 hours...

Seriously, I slept til 1:30 PM today...and it is now 9:30 and I my body wants to go back to bed.

Ok, that may be because of that good steak dinner I just got done eating.

I love when the ex's dad is in town...we usually get at least one good family meal at an awesome restaurant. And he is fun to visit with, too - but I digress.

Back to the Mud Bowl....

Again it was worth it.

The Ranger fans were being pretty obnoxious from the time they got to the field. They were screaming and booing throughout the whole South Fight Song AND the National Anthem.

But the fans and the Rangers who were talking smack on the radio last week got pretty quiet after the first 3 Rebel touchdowns...

And Rebels did play with class again...

Except of course when the other guys got a lil nasty. ..

I mean, G-man, when that guy face masked you and then started gouging at your eyes when you were down...if you did not throw him off you, I would've had to come down there myself and do something about it...

NOONE messes with MY baby and gets away with it...

In the third quarter, when I saw the trainer heading my way in the stands, I did get a little concerned. I started scanning the field looking for G-man, but they all look alike covered in mud.

TrainerGirl: G-Man sent me to see if you have any ibuprofen on you...
Me: What'd he do?
TrainerGirl: .......
Me (scanning the field): Is he hurt?
TrainerGirl: In his own words...he thinks he pulled a nut...
Me: What???? I do not need to hear this.
TrainerGirl: That's what I told him...like what's he expect me to do about it?
Me: Well, I do not have any painkillers on me - I was fine til now....
TrainerGirl: I'll get some somewhere.
Me: I think he's fine....

As I look toward the field there is G-man running for an 82-yard touchdown...
Too bad it got called back because someone was holding in the backfield....
Ooops, look like his nut is hurting again....

Til the next run...

Final score: Rebels: 36, Rangers: Nice big fat 0!!!

A good week....

This week has not been nearly as busy as last week...

It could be, but I keep falling asleep as I am trying to work late into the night (or I get distracted and start blogging).


Monday late morning - just as I well telling a coworker that I had absolutely nowhere that I had to be that night - the coach called and asked that I send out a mass email to let the team know that they were going to be on local radio at a local eatery and than on onother program at another local eatery immediately following...

I spoke too soon....

And G-Man being captain (ham) that he is, is usually interviewed on these shows so of course I go watch and listen.

And yes, he made me proud.

MC: So, G-Man, I've known you since you were in 4th grade...hope you
let me be there when you sign for one of those many ccolleges that must be
knocking on your door...
G-Man: If you can get one to knock, I'll sign, and you can watch.
MC: Hmmm, so moving on, then. If you could trade places with anyone in this
room, who would it be?
G-Man (scooting a little farther away from the coach next to him): Coach
Football, because he is the scariest man alive.
MC: Well that's a side of him we do not usually see.
G-Man: That's 'cuz you never played football for him.
MC: True. So who's your hero, G-Man?
G-Man: My Mom.

Awwww....

Moving on to program #2....

Know that it is rival game (aka Civil War) week in Willoughby - the South Rebels vs the North Rangers.

As we walk into the second eatery, the North Rangers are being interviewed. They point to my son as he walks in and start laughing mockingly. I did a double take just to make sure he had all his clothes on - or at least the important ones. I did not see anything missing.

Then I realized that the North players were being all-around smart-assed and cocky up there as they were talking to the reporters.

Reporter: So are you ready for the challenge this week.
Ranger 1: We do not see it as a challenge. We are going to win - no
question about it....
Reporter: Wow - that's a lot of confidence especially since you have not
won this game in the last several years.
Ranger1: But we have a sophomore QB on the team who is awesome.
Reporter: Okay, then. But he cannot do it alone.
Ranger2: We also have a good receiver.
Reporter: Just one????
Ranger 3: No, we will all play.

As I am listening, I whisper to G-Man that he should be the bigger man when he is up there.

No problem, I have 20 pounds and 2-inches on all of them, Mom.

OMG, should I just leave now...wait in the parking lot, maybe?

Reporter: Let's welcome the South Rebels. So Coach Football, what do you
think about the game this week.
CF: Well, it should be fun. Two good teams, playing for the conference
champ. We are working hard to make sure we are ready for it.
Reporter: Do you see it as a challenge?
CF: Everygame is a challenge. We have a great QB, several good backs, a
great offensive line, and a defense that is getting better and better each week
as the season progresses.
Reporter: G-Man, what do you think about the Rangers. They are pretty
confident.
G-Man: It is going to be a fun game. It is the game we most look forward to
all year. They have had some successes this season; we have had some
successes. Two good teams doing battle in our house.

That is right...Coach Football has taught you well...play with class on and off the field.

G-Man had a little more to be proud of this week, too...

Him: Hey Mom, call me out of my off-campus classes Thursday afternoon....
Me: WHY????
Him: Because there is a pep rally at South and then I have to go to the local
paper for an interview because I am Player of the Week.
Me: WHY???
Him: Wow, Thanks, mom.
Me: Not that you do not deserve it...every week in my book...but it usually
goes to the kid with the most TDs and that was not...
Him: Forget it, Mom. I luv you. too.
Me: I didn't mean...
Him: I gotta go...

When am I going to learn to THINK before I put my foot in my mouth....

I KNOW it does not fit...I have tried many, many times...

Oh well....


I do have a feeling the South will rise again this Friday Night in Willoughby.


Go Rebs!

Happy 400th Post To Me:)

This is my 400th post as Phillipia - or as anyone for that matter...

And unless of course you count the couple that I previously deleted because they were offensive to someone who I do not mind offending - but sometimes offensive people do not play fair....but I digress...

And I thought I had 36 followers the other day, but now I am down to 35 - did I offend someone else?

I would apologize but maybe they,too, deserved my offense...

Seriously, I do not intend to offend anyone as Phillipia; I just blog what is in my heart and on the tip of my typing fingers at the moment.

I admit, I do have trouble controlling myself at times...

And I do exaggerate at times - otherwise my posts may not be nearly as funny...

And yes , G-Man, I did send your supplement order off on the day I told you I did, contrary to the day that was posted in my blog....this blog is like a tv show - you cannot believe everything you read. How did you find my blog anyway???

Top Heavy...

Thanks to Chrissy at I Shoulda Been a Stripper for this awesome award...

Yeah, there are rules...and I hate rules.

Rules are made to be broken...

So I am making my own rules with this one...play along:)

Copy and change the answers to to the 35 questions....

You cannot use one word answers! (Breakin' the rules...oh yeah)

Post your answers and let your readers grab the award for themselves. (My rules rule!)

1. Where is your cell phone? Good question...call me so I can find out...

2. Your hair? Clairol#44 with gray roots....ooops

3. Your mother? Ask my brothers....bad answer...ummm...Yes, she is...

4. Your father? "It's my way or the highway"...I kinda like the highway...

5. Your favorite food? Steak with mashed potatoes and mushroom and onion gravy...yum...anyone wanna go grab some food?

6. Your dream last night? Too hot to talk about...night sweats are a bitch.

7. Your favorite drink? Jose chased with White Zin.

8. Your dream/goal? Financial security...or a well-to-do man...who loves me for me...

9. What room are you in? Living Room (as opposed to Dead Room)

10. Your hobby? Writing as Phillipia

11. Your fear? I will never be able to retire...

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? On a beach...

13. Where were you last night? Paninis and Hooley House with the Football Team...

14. Something that you aren't? Happily (or unhappily) married...there is good in everything.

15. Muffins? Chocolate Chocolate Chip and Banana Nut...because if you cannot decide, have them both.

16. Wish list item? Grandkids...just kidding guys...I can wait...

17. Where did you grow up? Willowick - east of Cleveland

18. Last thing you did? Water jog at Bally's - well... then I drove home and then I booted up my laptop and then I started this post...

19. What are you wearing? Comfy PJ's (i.e. old sweats)

20. Your TV? In the basement.

21. Your pets? Not here!!!!! Yay!!!!

22. Friends? Yes, I have a few. Some are reading this post:)

23. Your life? Not exactly the way I thought it would be...but when life gives you lemons, Jose is a godsend:)

24. Your mood? Hyper - it is 1:25 AM and I am blogging...oh crap, I better get some sleep.

25. Missing someone? Do not think so...G-Man, check. CareBear, Kent. LDBoy....

26. Vehicle? Black Ford Taurus

27. Something you’re not wearing? All the clothes in my closet, duh...

28. Your favorite store? If it sells clothes or food it is my favorite...

29. Your favorite color? Midnight Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? 45 minutes ago...

31. Last time you cried? Last Wednesday

32. Your best friend? Wonderful Rose

33. One place that you go to over and over? Peyton PHlaCe...I just cannot stay away...must have something to do with payday...

34. One person who emails you regularly? Susie488....geez, just quit already.

35. Favorite place to eat? On an outdoor patio or deck...

So there you have it...I dare you to play along:)

Open Email....

...to Susie488, Missy669, Kristy1889, and Maggie4123.

Thanks for viewing my Yahoo profile.

But quit emailing me telling me that you think I am cute and you would like to get to know me.

Do I look like a guy to you???? I am NOT a guy in a nun's habit - just in case you were wondering.

Do I look like a lesbian??? I am NOT gay, okay?

I DO NOT like girls in any way that you are suggesting...got it???

Leave me the F alone.

Thank you....

BTW, if you are gay or lesbian, I mean no offense, but I am not - to each his (or her) own...

Mud Bowl III

Week 7 of High School football is in the books...

A steady rain with spotty downpours was the theme...

Granted, moms do not have to wash the mud out of the uniforms...but what about protection for what's underneath the uniforms?

And I am not talking about bodies. If they wore enough protection for that, the players they could not walk, let alone run.

I mean the underwear. G-Man's white underarmour is now shitty brown - even OxyClean can only do so much.

But it was worth it...

Week 6 was the second week of PAC Conference play - Rebels are now 2-0 in that arena.

Week 6 was homecoming weekend in Willoughby. The girls on court had to battle the rain in their nice clothes - but not the guys - they needed to keep their game face on....

And the game face worked...with that win the rebels are now ranked 9th in division 1 Region 1. Move up one more spot and hold it and Willoughby could see some post-season action.

The 8-step program...

I have been pretty busy lately and have not made it to Bally's for a few days.

I mentioned this to one of my older friends.

She responded by sending me the 8-step exercise program she has been working on since she turned 50 a couple months ago...

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.
3. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
4. Each day hold this position for just a bit longer.
5. After two weeks, use 10-lb potato bags.
6. After two more weeks try 50-lb potato bags.
7. By 6 weeks you should be able to lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
8. After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Remembering a good man...

Art Reeves, you were a good man...

Of all my ex-in-laws, you were my favorite.

You did not judge, but had a strong sense of right and wrong.

You had a good heart, a great sense of humor, and an awesome love for life.

You could party with the best of them:)

Which is why LDBoy went ahead with plans to take G-man out on his 18th birthday even tho it was the day after you passed and the day before your wake.

"Grandpa Art would have wanted us to do this; let's not disappoint him."

From what I heard, the boys made you proud.

And yes, I will make sure G-man gets to enough classes and practices this week so he can play Friday night, because you would have wanted that, too. (Even tho in the last few months you had him confused with someone name Greg who runs touchdowns for THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY...)

I will never forget all you did for us as a young couple with young children. You helped us in so many ways. The kids always loved the times they spent with you.

And you have been there for them as they have grown.

I have never seen G-man cry so hard as he did when I had to tell him the sad news of your passing.

This week, so many fond memories of times past have been going through my mind, bringing smiles and tears...

I will share just one of my many favorite stories...

...Late one night you came in after the Akron PD had wanted to arrest you and your prank-playing friends for trespassing on the local golf course, but apparently you had decided not to renew your license EVER and so the BMV had just finally assumed you had passed away (quite a few years back).... as you retold the story, when the police dispatch told the would-be arresting officers that they were looking at a dead man - well, the whites of their eyes were all you could see that late at night and they let you and your friends go on your way....

Thank you, Art, for all you gave...to everyone who came into your life...

May you rest in peace.

Happy Birthday, G-Man...

Wow...My baby is 18 today. I should be happy but I am kind of sad.

I love being a Mom.

G-man, you make being a Mom fun....

Well except for the first few years when you were a living terror and we wondered who spawned you or if I took the wrong baby home...

You could cause some damage with a whiffle bat - and putting beads up your nose - what was that about?

But that is behind you (and us) now - thank the Lord.

You went from holy terror to holy shit that kid can play ball - any kind of ball. Three sports at a time, running me ragged trying to keep up with you.

You matured (physically) faster than any kid I know. I learned to keep your birth certificate close at hand to prove that you could not drive yourself to the game no matter what the opposing coach implied..

And that 16-yr old lifeguard we caught you with when you were 12 - geez! What were you thinking? Don't answer that...

Look at you now...

The last four years it has been just you and me (and all your friends) at home and I think we make a good team. We look out for each other...(BTW, thanks for caring enough to give every guy I go out with the third degree, but you can ease up a bit, ok? I know I find the biggest assholes, but still...)

I am happy for you for all you have accomplished and proud of who you are.

It is going to be a bittersweet year for me...

For you, I hope this year is full of health, happiness, fond farewells, and exciting new opportunities.

I love you G-Man.

Mud Bowl II

Week 6 of High School Football in Northeast Ohio...

It had been raining all week...

But by Friday afternoon the sun was shining and the sky was blue.

I checked the weather for Madison -the evening will be cloudy with a 10% chance of rain.

Cool - no need for an umbrella or poncho -good thing, too, cuz I just realized they are all in G-Man's car. (I knew I forgot to do something in the morning.)

The ride to Madison was uneventful...well except for that scary looking dude I ran into at the Sheetz who was looking at me kind of ...well, just scary.

At the field, as I got out of the car to walk to the stands it started to drizzle...no big deal - a few drops here and there.

Well, I think the forcaster missed a zero when he predicited that 10% chance of rain, cuz by the time I got to my seat, I was drenched. Three times.

Thanks for pushing that poncho in my direction Coach Meghan!

The players let up a whoop like they were happy for the rain. What the heck? Do they like rolling around in the mud?

It rained pretty steady the whole game with a few spotty torrential downpours.

I think G-Man had a passing TD and a rushing TD - at least the announcer said it was him, I couldn't tell; they all look alike caked in mud; he's usually the white running back, but not this game.

It took me a couple hours to get warm and dry once we got back home.

It took G-Man a couple of showers to get the mud off of him...it was still in the tub, tho. Thanks, bud.

Shuffle this...

I was tagged to do this on Facebook and figured I'd join in the fun:)

(1) Turn on your MP3 - or in my case my playlist on Windows Media Player.

(2) Go to SHUFFLE songs mode.

(3) Write down the first 15 songs that come up--song title and artist--NO editing/cheating -- no matter how many Barry Manilow songs play...

(4) Choose a group of people to be send this on to. I am just sharing with all my readers...And hoping some of you will try this and leave your list in my comments section or posted on your blog....

Here are my songs...
1. We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel
2. Holly Holy - Neil Diamond
3. I will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
4. It Just Won't Quit - Meat Loaf
5. Stuck With You - Huey Lewis
6. Still the Same - Bob Seger
7. Baby Hold On - Eddie Money
8. Shelter Me - Joe Cocker
9. Cracklin' Rosie - Neil Diamond
10. My Generation - The Who
11. And When I Die - Blood, Sweat, & Tears
12. Night Moves - Bob Seger
13. Love Me Two Times - The Doors
14. Centerfold - J. Geils Band
15. Right Now - Van Halen

What happened to Bruce, the Boss, he is all over my playlist....really...gotta fix that shuffle.

Taylor Swift...

Tonight G-Man has a date...

His girlfriend has tickets to see Taylor Swift.

He is pretty excited about it.

LDBoy did not understand his excitement.

LDBoy: You're prolly going to be one of the only guys there!
G-Man: Your point?
LDBoy: Ahh...

That's not why....

I have heard from some reliable sources that one of the side effects of a fabulous sex life is writer's block.

I do not have writer's block! I do not have a fabulous sex life either, but I will try to keep this family friendly...

I have not been a steady blogger the last couple of weeks because I have been working a lot of hours at my day job which has seemed to turn into a 12-hour a day job.

If I was a fabulous blogger, I could probably give up my day job...but I'm not...

But thank you Theresa from An Officer and a Garbage Can - now that's a fabulous blog - for giving me your vote of confidence.

You simply must visit Theresa's blog. We have so much in common. Everyone on her favorite author list is a fav of mine. She loves football; I love football. I could go on, but I think you should go discover her for yourself. But before you leave, check out this award she handed me...

As we all know, there is no such thing as a free award - ya gotta work for it. For this fabulous award, I must reveal 5 of my obsessions and then share with you 5 of my favorite bloggers - in that order I assume. Because if I shared my favorite bloggers first you might leave without reading my obsessions - which might not be a bad thing:)

5 of my obsessions (excluding the X-rated ones):

• My 3 kids - They are the sunshine of my life. They are each unique and fabulous in their own way. I would do anything for them - almost. I do not lie, cheat, or steal very well, but they know that and do not bother to ask anymore.

• Reading - I love a book over anything on tv - anytime. And when I find an author I think I might like, I start with their first book and read them in order. I will read two or three or more books a week when I get on a roll. And when I find a blogger I like, I try to go to the beginning of their blog and read it forward.

• Honesty/Fidelity - I cannot lie; I cannot fib. But I am so gullible; I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I figure out that I shouldn't. Once I find out someone is lying to me, it takes a lot to get me trusting them again. And I DO NOT like cheaters. And not just those who cheat on me....:)

• Chocolate - chocolate anything...enough said, before I start scrounging through the cupboards and fridge looking for some.

• Pull through parking spots - I have to put this here because my kids laugh at me for this. I will drive around a parking lot looking for a pull through spot so I do not have to back out when I am ready to leave. Because if I have to back out, I will most likely be between two oversized vehicles that I cannot see around and will have to inch my way out the between the horn blowing, one-finger saluting cross traffic.....

Now for some of my favorite bloggers... Did I mention that Theresa and I have 4 out of 5 of the same favorite bloggers. But relisting them here would probably be cheating and you all know Phillipia does not like cheaters....

• I'm Just Saying.... I miss you, Winky Twinky. Consider this award your "get out of bed and blog" call:)
• Nanny Goats in Panties
• How to Become a Cat Lady...Without the Cats.
• Dr. Grumpy in the House
• Flubtastic Doofalo....I need my daily fix, so keep that internet connection.

Now I gotta get back to work...

Tenjooberrymuds

My boss sent this email to the localization team the other day...

She also sends us the best homemade baked goods in the world, but I digress...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "... What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter.. just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea...meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds"

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "... and you do, don't you?

And you thought you didn’t speak a foreign language!!

You've got mail...

I must admit, I do not go to the mail box too often.

I pay all of my bills online...in fact, I do most everything online.

I headed toward the mailbox at least three times last week - but before I got there I got caught up in something else.

Now, I do ask G-Man to get the mail once in awhile, but unless he is waiting for a package, my request falls on deaf ears.

But yesterday, on the way out to dinner...

Let's stop and get the mail on the way out, Mom.

Okay...are you waiting for something?

Well, sort of -you think that stuff I asked you to order over the weekend is here?

It's worth a check...(not - I did not order till this morning, but he does not need to know that).

----

You got a package, Mom. Did you order something?

Just open it...I want to see (I am driving).


It is a cool pen ....with a cow on it...why would someone send you a pen - there's two of them.



Because I asked for it...and they are the coolest pens in the world...And it is not a cow...it is a goat.

Geez...all those hours of See 'n Say and you cannot tell the difference between a goat and a cow...

I forgot my glasses...

Just give me my pens...they're awesome.

Wait...Nanny Goats in Panties? Where are the panties?

On the goat..where do you think???

What???

Don't worry about it...

Thanks for the pens, Margaret. I will show them off proudly...

And if you get a lot of extra traffic from the Willoughby area in the next few days...

It is could be that my friends like your pens, or...

...some teenage football players are looking for panties...

It was a Bally's night...

Yay...I have not been to Bally's in forever...

During the summer, I decided it was much easier to go to the complex pool, get some Vitamin D, some color, and some exercise all at the same time. One stop shopping...

And since the pool closed a couple weeks ago...well, ya know, it was one thing after another.

It is amazing how much muscle weight I have gained since my last visit to Bally's.

It must all be in my fingers...from all those extra hours I have been putting in at work, typing away, loading info into the database...

Monday was a good day.

I took the day off work and went shopping with CareBear.- she bought, I watched. I did good not spending a cent that I did not have...

In the early evening, LDBoy and G-Man joined us and I was treated to one of my favorite dinners at Texas Roadhouse. Sirloin tips over mashed potatos and gravy with mushrooms - oh yeah.

And I finally got smart and learned to order my tips rare so that by the time they get to me they are medium rare:)

Then CareBear and LDBoy and I headed downtown to watch Dinosaurus Rex at Pat's in the Flats.

I figured the place may not be crowded since it was a Monday night. And I was absolutely right...in fact LDBoy was the only paying customer the whole time we were there.

I guess CareBear and I could have bought our own drinks and tripled the amount of customers, but LDBoy offered, and who are we to not let a guy buy us drinks?

We did not have a hard time deciding what to drink either...since Pat does not keep fruit (lemons and limes are not exceptions) or fruit juice (except cranberry, because its medicinal), or fruit flavored spirits.

So shots of Jose Cuervo it was ....chased with a vodka and cranberry.

A few of those and the place was looking pretty inviting.

A few more and I had to use the ladies room.

Not so inviting...even after a few...

But when ya gotta go, you do; so I did.

What, no soap???? Just mustard? I kid you not, there was a mustard dispenser sitting on the sink where the soap should have been.

I am not that brave....

I heard....I really did not check on this myself...that there was a ketchup dispenser in the men's room.

Wonder where the mayo dispenser was...

Doing Laundry...over.

Thanks, G-man and company...

Yesterday I had a zillion things to do.

Really, I counted...

I decided I could do three things at once: laundry, update the rebel web, sort through some work emails....

So I head to the basement with my work laptop, my home laptop, and three bags of laundry...

Woah...looks like there was a party happening here...

I know G-man had some of the guys over because it was a no football weekend...but how many guys does it take to leave this kind of mess?????

Red plastic cups everywhere...No way was there that much pop in the fridge...

Ping pong balls??? We do not have a ping pong table...

Crushed pretzel bits...jeez...did they think they were grapes???

Playing cards all over the place...like a game of 204 card pickup gone wrong....

Video games and controllers everywhere...

No boys to help pickup tho....

Oh well, add another thing to my todo list....

So I throw in a load of laundry, take a look at all the clean laundry sitting there waiting to get put away (add to list), and boot up my computers.

As I am praying that I can get online (so I can cross 'call cable guy back" off my list) I hear the washer go into it spin cycle followed by the sound of water spraying all over the place....

Yeah, all over the floor, all over the clean laundry, all over everything....

Why the hell would anyone unclamp the washer hose from the tub???

OMG, just add a few more things to my todo list...

Just F'in look it up...

This morning I finally made it to BMV to renew my registration.

I had planned to take care of this online but G-Man's and CareBear's cars - registered to me for insurance rate purposes - needed an E-check this year.

CareBear was very cooperative, being female and all. She took care of hers a month ago - in plenty of time for me to renew online.

G-Man however.....well, he had a brake light out for well over a month now.

I have been bugging him for weeks to get it taken care of.

Last weekend I finally withheld some important news until he had the light fixed...

Brake light working???? Ok, then, here's the mail you been waiting for...

That left a week for him to get the E-Check done...

No time Monday...
Too Busy Tuesday...
Working out Wednesday...
Gotta focus on the game Thursday....
Friday....I'll do it tomorrow...

Only if you are going to be there at 8:00 AM when they open...

But I ....

You do not have football....

It's the only day I can sleep in...

Then I guess you better get there now....

So...here I am at the BMV office...noone in line, this could be quick...

Ma'm it says here these two cars need e-checked.

I had it done.

Where's your paperwork.

Shit...I left it home...

You need your paperwork.

Can't you look it up - see if it shows up on line?

No...you need to go get your paperwork.

No way...that's going to be a problem. I mean, I can get it for G-man's car - it is sitting on my desk... but CareBear had hers e-checked over a month ago in another town. And she is out of town and I do not have her paperwork...

Sorry, I need....

Try to look it up...

It won't show ...

Just try....(before I feel the need to get loud)

Ok (deep sigh)...it says here you are all set. That will be $163.40.

Wow....how much of that goes toward your salary?

I opened a bottle of your wine....

As my son and his friends were retelling this story, I was reminded of Flubtastic Doofalo's OJ Post...


LDBoy and his business partners decided to share a few of cases of Mon Avie.

Obviously they are trying to clean out their systems....we'll just leave that there. But I am told a mere shot (aka 1.5 oz) per day keeps them embarrassingly flatulent for the day...

One of the partners makes his home in NC; the other partners are Ohio based. So they had the shipment sent to the Ohio office, split it up, and forwarded NC man his share.

In the meantime, NC man has left his NC home-office for an exrtended visit to Ohio. He asked a friend to house-sit because he was expecting some deliveries...

NC man answered his phone while at dinner a couple days into his Ohio visit...

NC Man: Hello
House-sitter: Hey, man. WTF kind of wine did you order. I had a couple of glasses and have been on the shitter ever since.
NC Man: It's not wine.
House-sitter: No kidding.
NC Man: Why did you open my stuff?
House-sitter: I had my girlfriend over and we felt like some wine...aw shit...gotta go...coming through....

They sound so much alike...

So as I was packing up to leave the office last Friday, my desk phone rings....

Hello, this is Phillipia.

Hey Mom, you still going to the game?

Yeah...why wouln't I???

Can you take me?

What???

Can I ride with you??

Why???

Why not???

Ummm...why aren't you riding on the bus with the team???

Mom, this is your other son...

Ooops....

The Cable Guy

My internet/cable/phone has not worked real well since I switched providers a few months ago...

I switched because customer support was terrible with the previous provider...

Customer service does not seem much better with this provider...

One of my irritating expectations of service providers is that I should not have to find out how good their customer service is....

I am paying for a service....just fucking do it right. Keep the lines clear and fast and secure...

Do not make me have to call your customer support line in India and talk to someone I cannot understand.....I did press 1 for English...

Do not make me have to be home for a 4 hour block of time....and then not show up...and then want to reschedule for tomorrow night! Yeah, I have been overdoing it lately, but I still do not want to be forced to sit at home without internet or tv ...I have things to do...places to be...

Do not call my house phone which is a digital line that you talked me into but is now not working except as an excuse for your field service guy to say he called but did not get an answer and so assumed noone was home......duh....

Do not have your FSE call my cell phone from an unavailable number and not leave a message or a call-back number and then assume I am not home. I am human with human needs. Sometimes I am indisposed for a couple of minutes taking care of those human needs and cannot get to the phone before it stops ringing...

I'll be here again tomorrow...waiting...maybe piggybacking on some unsuspecting neighbor's unsecure line...catching the signal when I can...

Do not make me have to ask for reimbursement for down time...sure I'll take that credit...but I'd much rather have a signal...

Sorry I was late....

Courtesy Note: If you are just here for the funny, you may want to skip to the last two paragraphs, 'cuz I tend to take a while to get there.

For the rest of you that can handle me going on and on and on, read on.

Last night was not a great night for the Rebels....they just could not get their act together long enough to get past the WildCats of Mayfield.

Not that they did not try their damnedest. There were more positives from the game than negatives...just not enough to pull out a win....

The O-coordinator decided to use more of a passing game plan - which probably seemed best since every punt/kick return from Mayfield went deep in our end zone and we had to go 80 yards every drive to make it to their end-zone....arghhh....

So of course the running backs (G-man and el), continually got the ball only on 3rd down (and long, usually)...and did I mention Mayfield also has a tough defense.

G-man had more receiving yards than rushing yards last night...wait...you are a wide receiver and a tight end now, too??? When did that happen???

Oh well....better things will happen next week, I am sure.

But let's step back a little to before the game...

This has been a crazy week at work and at home. You know about Tuesday and Wednesday.

Thursday I went into work early 'cuz I needed to leave at 3:30 to serve the football dinner. Well, we are STILL releasing projects so after dinner I headed back to the office and worked til 9:30.

Then I went to the local Big Bird grocer to get some wings and a few munchies to have on hand for after Friday's game. Although I was not ready to be the Senior parent host this week, no one else had yet offered, so I thought I should...

So I was up late into Thursday night making wings and doing football laundry....

I toyed with the idea of going in late Friday but remembered there was a meeting I needed to be at at 9:00 am and another at 11:00 and another at 3:00....and of course a game to be at by 7:00 PM which happens to be right across the street from the office.

This should have been ok, had I not offered to host post-game...

So, I left the office after the 11:00 meeting, went home, cleaned up the place (toss in closet kind of clean-up), hit the grocery store for some burgers, dogs, and buns ('cuz G-man and the boyz cannot live on wings alone I was told), back home to toss burgers in the freezer and wings in the crock pot with bbq so they would be ready after the game, and headed back to work...

I intended to work til about 6:30 and then head over to the field, but by 5:30 I was exhausted. So a co-worker and I decided to hit the local Irish pub for a beer or two before going our separate ways for the weekend....

Of course I am wearing my Rebel jersey in Mayfield territory, but hey...I didn't start the fights...

There were a few other rebel parents there to offer some protection, so we moved as one out the door and down the road.

After the game, a few Moms head back to the school to wait for the buses and congratulate/console the boys and maybe feed them cookies to hold them over til they get to the real food. Consoling was not an easy task Friday...in fact it did not go over well at all.
We could hear the boys mumbling through their post-game prayer. I suggested they move it along and save the prayers for next week's pre-game since that would make more sense to me, but they acted like they didn't hear me...

I was actually just wanting them to get out of the locker room so I could hug G-man and then head home to open the house before those who did not go back to the locker could get in...

Of course on nights like these G-man is last out of the locker room - not sure what he does in there, but his knuckles were a lil bruised and I did hear the sounds of some inanimate (if they weren't before they are now) objects being tossed around.

Surprisingly, when I got to the house, there was no one breaking down the doors to get in. Apparently they had been there and got tired of waiting and headed to Croagh Patrick's for a while we're waiting brew or two.

And of course very few players showed because I think they were afraid to look like they were wanting food after a game that went so wrong. G-man was the gracious player host all tho I did get a few why me glares...

But after a couple burgers, a plate of wings, and several Dads (aka bleacher coaches) letting him know that he looked pretty good out there despite everything that went wrong, he felt a lil better.

And that is the point of these post game gatherings...win or lose, have some food, look back, look forward...the team is family...family is there through the good and the bad...

Quite a few parents showed up - some brought a few "people" (aka, stray rebel fans) back with them from Croagh Patrick's - so all in all it was a good late night/early morning gathering...

And now, remembering that this is suppose to be a humor blog, some funny shit did happen last night....

Just about the time people were starting to leave, I realized I had a voice mail.

Hey Phillipia, we're here at your house....your lights are not on, we're knocking, you're not answering...we can smell wings, we are looking at your naked neighbor...where the hell are you? C'mon let us in...quit making us look at your naked neighbor...it is not pretty...we're outta here, sorry we missed ya...yikes...go...go!

Ooops, sorry I was late guys...

Me: Hey...I just got your voicemail...glad you came back.
Them: Yeah, we figured you was at the school...
Me: So who is my naked neighbor? Oh...him...(as they are pointing in
a general direction and gagging)... yeah, prolly not pretty. I have seen him
in his tighty- whiteys smoking on his deck...he seems ok with himself...or maybe
Altheimer's has set in...

And then my attention was suddenly diverted, as a story is unfolding from a Mom who works the phones for a no-named we'll give you quotes from three companies insurance agency...

So, he says...hey, after I started to dial to get a quote, I realized I had to poop...so I am trying to get to the toilet...hold on, I'm unzipping....man, I gotta go, not sure I am gonna make it here....damn....I'm tripping over my pants....hold on...

I'm trying to butt in and ask him if he wants to call back but he is not hearing me at all....just going on and on about trying to get to the bathroom and all I can picture is this guy with his phone in one hand and his pants around his ankles, trying to get his tight-whiteys down before he shits himself...

Ok, I made it to the toilet...we can talk now...oooh...sorry, that feels so good...so about that quote... wait...I forgot to grab a pen and paper....honey, can you bring me a pen and paper....my wife'll be here in a sec...damn where is she?...let me see if I can get up...

Three minutes and 30 seconds later (I set a timer) he says he's sorry but he keeps trying to wipe but he keeps pooping and his wife is not coming with the pen and paper or at all for that matter...

Ok, hold on. I'll use toilet paper...just let me grab something to write with...

That's when I hung up....

Mandatory Drinking...

There was a mandatory meeting for the football parents tonight.

The meeting was mandated by the OHSAA and had an agenda that included us watching an instructional film...

We have known for a couple of weeks that this was happening...we just did not know when...OHSAA took longer than expected to get the film produced and delivered.

Too bad they did not take the whole season...

Rumors were flying about the content. Most of the rumors had the film graphically displaying the dangers of the game....steroid induced heart explosions, neck stingers causing uncontrolled flailing limbs followed by total paralysis; broken necks and backs; femurs protruding everywhere...

The rumors were wrong...mostly...

There was a short clip on heat stroke and a message to athletes, coaches, parents, and fans:

The best prevention is to drink, even when you are not thirsty.

No problem here...

Let's start now...see ya at Croagh Patrick's.

It's a 2-part question...

I just cannot help myself....

I was at the monthly Rebel Mom (no dads allowed) meeting tonight.
I promised myself that I was not going to cause trouble, but my buddy J was not there to hold me back or kick my shins when I started to open my big mouth.

As you may know, I am coordinating the football meal planning. We used the school cafeteria to store our stuff (utensils/cups/plates/gatoraid) during the summer doubles. But once school started we had to move our stuff out of the kitchen.

Last year's football mom (also a rebel mom) used the indoor concession stand (rebel mom property) to store some of the bigger stuff during football season.

Well, I just assumed that this year's football moms (also rebel moms) would be afforded the same courtesy.

So...why can't you just take your stuff home with you every week? Keep it in your car? Okay...you can keep some of your stuff in there - but you cannot have a key...

And what good does that do me??? It;s a 2 part question - can I have a lil space and a key to access the little space????

Uh - well...maybe...but probably not....

Forget it...I will just go to plan B....you'll figure it out eventually...

One of the football moms texted me during the meeting from across the room....

I have to go...call me after the meeting so we can exchange the goods...

Goods as in utensils...she serves meals on Wednesdays and I serve on Thursdays and we cannot use the concession stand to store our stuff so we have to trade things twice a week - or buy two of everything...

So after the meeting I give MealMom#2 a call.

Me:So why'd you have to leave the meeting?
MM#2: I had to; I couldn't stand it anymore...my time limited...and that is a waste of it...come on by, we'll have a drink.

Well, it so happens I had already made plans to get a drink with Treasurer Mom and MM#2 just wanted to stay in for the night, but suggested we visit her brothers' bar as they had just opened their kitchen.

So off to Croagh Patrick's we went and had a wonderful time. A couple of orders of macaroni bites, a couple of Killian's and a couple of shots (complements of MM#2's brother) and I was feeling much better about not having a key to that blasted concession stand.

More promises...

I promised myself not to post football stats and video as filler info on my blog....

But...the Rebels did have a great game Friday night...

Check out the press they got here: http://southrebelfootball.com/news.php

Hear the crowd chanting "Gary Harmon" in the South vs Alliance video...

It is unfortunate (well, not for G-Man or myself) that the video shows only his 2 TDs.

There were two other great offensive TDs and an interception that BWills carried 79 yards for a defensive TD.

It was an awesome night.

And Kudos to the O-line - hope you enjoyed the doughnuts Saturday morning. I knew I was forgetting something this summer - putting money back for doughnuts for Saturday morning films for the O-line - assuming they block good for my baby:)

Promises...Promises...

I know I promised to write about feet today as a member of HBDC.

And when I made this promise, I intended to keep it; I expected my hectic life to slow down, but it hasn't...

I guess I could tell you about G-man's ingrown toe-nail on the big toe of his right foot - but that is pretty gross.

And I could tell you that tonight is the first high school football game for many schools in our area, including the Willoughby South Rebels - but nothing funny there...

I could tell you about the 5000 feet of toilet paper that I found in my yard this morning; wrapped around the trees, bushes, deck, and car....thank you WS cheerleaders:)

I could tell you about how I have been plagued with plantar fasciitis in my left foot lately.
Not sure how I got that as (after some limited research) I discovered that it most often affects joggers, tennis players, policemen, and those with gonorrhea...

But I really do not have time to blog today...instead, I must get off of my lunch break and continue my great feat of releasing a shitload of docs for Peyton PHlaCe....

Lesson for the day...

This lesson was passed on to me from a pre-school (for the gifted) teacher.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife for a free visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation. This particular medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

Wanting to keep his wife happy, the old man decided to redeem his certificate...

During his visit, the medicine man gave the birthday boy a vial full of a sweet-smelling liquid and these instructions:

"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You must take only one teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform for a very long time."

"How long is long? When will the medicine stop working?" the old man questioned.

"One dose will allow you to perform until your partner has had enough and says '1-2-3-4,' repled the healer. "And then, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if the magic medicine would actually work, the old man hurried home, showered, shaved, and took his first dose; he then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of 74-year old men.

His wife was so excited to see his sudden burst of manliness that she started tearing off her own clothes.

"Ooooh, baby, now that's what I'm talking about...but what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Bragging Rights:)

Watch and enjoy...


High school football preview: Rich year for running backs (video) - The News-Herald Sports : Breaking news coverage for Northern Ohio



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Would you get this job?

The following is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

• An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
• An old friend who once saved your life.
• The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

• Would you pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and you feel you should save her?
• Would you take the old friend who once saved your life? This is the perfect chance for pay back.
• Or, would you take your perfect mate because, well, how often does that chance come along?

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) gave the following answer:

I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

The moral? Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. We need to be able to 'Think Outside the Box.'

I got this story in an email from one of the other candidates for the position. He still believes he had the better answer and should have been hired.

I would have to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her; I would then have mad, passionate sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and then I would drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I'd like to share...

A few random thoughts...

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  
  
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  
  
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when I realize I'm wrong, very wrong. Yeah, it happens...to me...a lot:(
  
  
• When someone says: "I don't need to drink to have fun," all I can think is "No one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when you've got a lighter?"
  
  
• I totally wish I could take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid...I'd probably be a lot less tired now.
  
  
• Why isn't there a sarcasm font?
  
  
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die.
  
  
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text or put on eyeliner.
  
  
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. I mentioned this to my kids..."Duh, Mom; but we don't suck at it, so don't worry."
  
  
• Was learning cursive really necessary? How many people's writing can you actually read? And Adobe has taken care of your signature...
  
  
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  
  
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just start nodding and smiling because you can't understand someone's broken English and pressing 1 doesn't work in everyday conversation...
  
  
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a fucktard from cutting in at the front. Left lane ends...you were warned 3 miles back...
  
  
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
  
  
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
  
  
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  
  
• Bad decisions make good stories - especially when they are someone else's bad decisions...
  
  
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. It hit a few minutes ago...
  
  
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection for the sixth time...
  
  
• If the tag says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" it will never get clean...not in my house, anyway.
  
  
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
  
  
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood, don't ya think?
  
  
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  
  
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
  
  
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  
  
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

I am not nice when I am tired...

I am feeling pretty damn exhausted lately...

So today when I got into work and checked my email, and read that my boss had asked the lead of one of my projects (Ms. Lead) to oversee the work of another project that I thought I was now leading ...

And then found another email from Ms. Lead asking everyone who was providing me with input to provide her with the status of their input so maybe she could give us some ideas of how to move this project along faster...

Let's just say I lost it....

The reason I took on this new work a few weeks ago was two-fold:
I like to do it and not too many of my coworkers do...
I figured I could work on my own a bit...away from my Ms. Lead.

Ms. Lead, god love her, is a wonderful person with a smiling, happy personality. She just manages to micromanage the hell out of every project she takes on....She plans the project to death and then replans everytime something small changes and expects the "workers" on the project to confirm her new plans and let her know the instant things change so that maybe her suggested target "dates" cannot be met.

Well guess what, when the whole project end date moves out by a year, my date is gonna move too....sorry I did not mention that to you.

And yet a third email ....Recently, a vendor delivered 240+ translated documents. Ms. Lead asked for a target delivery date for each of the documents. She asked for confirmation of the dates regularly...all were within a two-week span. These were not small documents - they averaged 200 pages each...All documents were delivered within 5 days of the target date - some early, some up to 5 days late. "Well, why were we late on some documents", Ms. Lead asks. "And how can we prevent this in the future?"

Well, I gave her my idea which was probably not a good idea...but I was in a mood....

Phillipia says...

How about you and the rest of the management team find something to do with your time besides asking us the "workers" to report on the status of our "work" while also explaining exactly how we are doing said "work" so you can report to upper management that you have thought of some ways to improve "worker" efficiencies...

Needless to say my idea was not well received.

So I just put my headphones on and continued working, replying to all status requests with "IAFWOI"

I could be wrong...

I thought things would have slowed down a bit by now, but It is taking me longer than I thought to get all the things done I had hoped to get done over the last couple of weeks.

Another couple weeks and MAYBE I will be caught up - if I quit taking on more...I need a lesson in how to say NO...

Not sure I told you that my oldest got a new pet boa; BOA was the guest of honor at his Garden of Eden themed party the other night. I am not quite sure what a Garden of Eden party is because I was not on the invite list...which probably says a lot about what it is...

Costumes were mandatory and G-Man went as Temptation; as far as I know, he did not buy any type of costume; I did see him leave the house with a red marker, tho...Bite Me???

I have yet to see pictures, but I hear BOA had things wrapped up pretty well. Even CareBear, as the tree of life, had a photo moment with BOA...

And unlike the OT garden, this garden abounded in Eves...scantily clad and sharing a BOA...

G-man, being the good son he is, visited his Dad the morning after the party. Unfortunately, his car barely made it to dad's and ended up in a shop in Brimtuckey. But Dad has a few cars so he decided to let G-man borrow one of them until his got fixed; it was not the cool convertible G-Man was hoping to borrow, but....

The Roadmaster, with front bumper bungee corded to the engine, almost made it half of the 60 mile trip home before it stalled out and refused to start. Two cars down in one day...let's go for a record...

So I spent my afternoon driving to Streetsboro to rescue G-man and waiting there with him and the ex for AAA to come and haul the Roadmaster back to Brimtucky...

Yes, the ex has had a bad couple of weeks. His mom has had knee replacement surgery which was complicated with heart problems and he has just put his step-dad in a home for altzheimer patients. He has been slightly over-stressed.

So I did not point out to him that his long graying scragly hair is not attractive - that the hippie, crocodile dundee look does not look good on him.

And I did not point out that wearing striped boxers that are longer than your walking shorts is probably not ever going to catch on as a fashion trend.

I do not really care how he wears his hair or his underwear, but Senior Parent night is next week and I am not sure G-man's friends believe him anymore when he tells them that his Dad is a fashion entrepreneur.

But I could be wrong...I have been before...at least once...

Thank You Cat Lady ...

The other night I decided to take a break from work and football to post a funny from my lil brother and to read a few of my favorite blogs.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear...a chance for me to earn a bloggin' award ...

Thanks to my favorite (because she has no cats) Cat Lady for paying it forward to me with the most sought after bloggin' award of all times - the "Premiere Meme Award!"
Larew, you are the best, what more can I say?

Oh yeah, like I was sayin', I gotta bloggin' work for it...

If I understand it right, before I can claim the award, I need to reveal 7 of my innermost secrets and then pass the torch to 7 of my favorite bloggers who have secrets of their own...

I hope I got that right...

But before I start revealing, let me say a few words of thanks to Cat Lady Larew for nominating me for this honor. You have helped make me the blogger I am with your frequent visits and empathetic comments. All of that after keeping me entertained with tips on How to Become a Cat Lady. I promise to be a student now that I have given up my cat.

I would also like to thank my three kids, my two brothers, my two parents, my friends, my neighbors, my ex-neighbors, my co-workers, my ex-coworkers, my kids friends, my ex, my ex in-laws, the rebel moms, the bingo goers and workers, the football parents and staff, the drinkers, the smokers, the tokers, the online scammers, the guys in my past that I have dated and those who would not date me, my bay buddy, toledodawn, Phat Phil, bad american, lc, richyB, sandra lee..

You get the picture...if you are a part of my bloggin life, thank you very much... But who the hell is sandra lee? you ask - just wait she'll bloggin show up sooner or later...

Now for the revealing....

1. I was very very shy in grade school and high school; in fact, I was one of the least popular kids in school; most likely to be canonized for living the life of an outcast; but look at me now...I am the Mom of a partying bachelor entrepreneur, a beauty queen of a tri-state beer pong champion, and a co-captain of a high school football team...who'd a thought?
2. My BS is in physics - really - which makes me related to Al Einstein - sorta - which is where I get my charming personality and handsome good looks...and frequent bad hair days...
3. Tell me I have to do something and I will do my best to not do it - no matter how much I really want to. It's the Catholic school/family upbringing. Who says I have to go to Church? And confession to a priest??? I'll see you in hell first!!! And there is nothing better than a Delmonico Steak, medium rare, smothered in mushrooms and onions on a Friday in Lent.
4. The thing I find most attractive in guys is their smile; if you have a smile that shows in your eyes, a good sense of humor, and a giving heart, I am yours..if you'll have me - and you're available...
5. Cheaters and liars are about the lowest of the low on my list of bad guys (and gals). If I catch you cheating on a SO or spouse, I have little sympathy for you. And if I catch you in a lie...well, just know I will prolly question every frickin' word outta your mouth after that ...
6. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a nun. But at one time in my young life I did dream of becoming one...sort of wanted to martyr myself for the love of God - make my parents proud...
7. When I grow up, I want to be a lottery winner...actually, I just want to be able to retire someday with enough financial security to not have to work for someone else, to travel a little, and to help my kids on the path to their dreams...

And now the fun part...I get to tag 7 of my favorite bloggers...

CatLadyLarew, know that I would be tagging you if you hadn't tagged me first. Are tagbacks allowed?

Winky Twinky, I'm Just saying you had to know this was coming...You are my first and favorite blogging buddy...well, first after lc, but we will not go there, because he is not there anymore...teach him to mess with us. I'll let you readers try to find that story amongst our bloggin posts...

Next, I want to send you over to Pa Rock's Ramble...Rock is definitely on my list of of top ramblers. And not just because he may owe me $100 at the end of the year if I slither ahead in his infamous Dead Pool. Rock rambles, among other persona, as a social observer, citizen journalist, nature enabler, poetry appreciator, and (drum roll for my personal favorite), proud grampa. Check him out.

Next you should visit Flubtastic Doofalo. I enjoy Flubtastic's blog so much because he (or at least his blog persona) kinda reminds me of me - only I am a girl and he is a guy and he is funny and I try to be and... well there may be a few more slight differences, but you know what I mean...

And then head on over to see mooooooog35, aka midgetmanofsteel, to get your daily dose of laugh-out-loud Mental Poo. Enough said...

Then, let's have some Fun With Jesus because...well, it's back to that Catholic upbringing I keep trying to get away from. Thanks for your help, JC:)

And one of my newer favorites...Dr. Grumpy..take two bullets and cap him in the morning...he'll feel much better.

And this one - ya gotta love - if for nothing else, than the what???? Ok, this sucks...I wanted to tell you about Wind in Your Vagina but apparently it is now only open to invited readers. But I am a follower, invite me in you bastard. I'm losing my Wind in Your Vagina - oh noooooo...

Well that leaves room for another hats off...to the Open Letters Blog. I have been writing a few open letters of my own lately and will be sharing them with you soon - once I get past this busy few weeks at Peyton PHlace and football mommying - which has lead to some of the aforementioned open letters...

Thanks to my lil brother....

...for his answer to a question that use to haunt me...

Why are Muslim terrorists so quick to commit suicide???

• No Jesus

• No Christmas

• No television

• No cheerleaders

• No Nude Women

• No football

• No soccer

• No golf (Sooo??)

• No tailgate parties

• No pork BBQ

• No burgers

• No lobster<

• No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

• No nachos

• No Beer nuts

• No Beer !!!!!!!!

• Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

• Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

• Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

• More than one wife.

• You can't shave.

• Your wives can't shave...

• You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

• The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

• Your bride is picked by someone else.

• She smells just like your donkey.

• But your donkey has a better disposition.

• Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

That clears it up...thanks, lil bro.

Sarcasm Fail!

Retraction: I did not lose my job...yet!!!

My previous post and attempt at sarcasm failed miserably.

I do appreciate your concern and good wishes.

However, I am still employed - at least until the next round of layoffs...

Thank God, because Phat Phil and other Peyton PHlaCe antics provide a hell of a lot of content for this blog...

Motivational FAIL!

So the CEO of Peyton PHlaCe sent an email...


Times are tough...sales are down...healthcare cannot decide if it wants to reform...


You will get laid off as soon as you finish the project you are working on...


Hmmm...this project is taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated...

Oooops day???

G-Man informed me that today is Oooops Day on the football field.

Apparently, the players dress in full pads, but according to OHSAA rules, they are not allowed to make contact.

So if you accidently plow an opponent into the ground and stomp on him unmercifully, it's ok, as long as you help him up and say "ooops."

Lessons...

Did you know that the words 'race car' spelled backwards spells 'race car'?

Did you know that 'eat' is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense 'ate'?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "ex boyfriend" and add just a few more letters, it spells "two-timing, no good god-damn piece of shit asshole loser"?

Amazing, isn't it?


Disclaimer: I am not writing about any specific boyfriend here, so do not flatter yourself if you happen to be one of my ex's reading this....

The week that was....

I miss blogging...

And reading your blogs...

So, I am going to take a break from life and tell you what I have been doing this past week and what I will be up to this next week...just in case you want to know...

First, the week that was...

Monday:

I worked from home and actually got a lot done - worked till about 6:00 pm.
Than I went for a walk with Ame's Mom at Squire's Castle.
We started up the first little hill and I had to set some ground rules...flat ground rules...I am no shape to do the hills - let's stick to the paved path around the castle.
After a few rounds, I was ready for a few rounds, but we decided DQ would have to do because it was getting late.
And Ames and Mom had some girl time planned...hey wait, I'm a girl, so I tagged along. What a treat...hot wax treat that is...I now have two eyebrows...lol.

Tuesday:

As G-Man is leaving for morning workouts he asks if I am coming to the 7-on7 in Bedford.
Me: Say what???
G-Man: We just found out yesterday.
Me: Us moms have a meeting tonight, planned around your schedule to plan for your meals next week.
G-Man: You don't have to come if ya don't want to....

Later....

Me: Okay, coach....they found out yesterday????
Coach: I swear I told them last week...
Me: Told them??? How about telling ME next time so I can post and let parents plan around these things.
Coach: The players knew...
Me: But WE didn't and if you want me to keep passing info to the parents that YOU want them to know...then start passing me info that WE want to know, too, ok? One simple phone call (or an email) to me and I will post info and we would all be much happier....ok??? Are you listening????
Coach: By the way, can you let the parents know there is a mandatory meeting next Sunday rigth smack during the dinner hour - unless you eat dinner incredibly early or late at your house...

All day Tuesday I was torn...do I go to the game or go to the meeting??
Hmmm, I have the agenda, there is no other good night for me or anyone else this week, we have lots to do. In the end, I caved and acted responsible and went to the meeting as did all the other 6 Moms. What a team we are.
I have to tell you, I dreaded taking on the job of coordinating the football meals this year, but what a joy it has been. The moms who offered to help really helped. In fact they did most of the work - I really just coordinated and posted info and kept our spreadsheets up to date.
And the best part, unlike previous years, I had moms helping from all four classes, so they will know what they are doing next year and it can only get better...

Wednesday:

...is a blur. I know I worked at home until pretty late, very late in fact....so late that I do not remember stopping....until I knew if I did not get to Bally's they would close and I really needed to swim off some tension.
(Note: As soon as I get through this upcoming week and have a little more free time, I will have some further adventures of Phat Phil and Peyton PHlaCe to share...)

Thursday:

After a hectic day at Peyton PHlaCe, I headed straight to Chick-Fil-A in Willoughby to help with a fundraiser. G-Man was bummed because he had to work (at KFC) and could not participate. (Uh, boss, I am calling off because I am going to Chick-Fil-A. What??? You're ok with that??? Oh...I am out of a job...damn.)
Sorry you missed the fun, G-Man.

But you'll get your shot at fame a lil later this month when you are featured in the News Herald football preview...

After the fundraiser, I stopped by a cheer leader mom's house to drop off a prize she had won. This lady is a dear friend who was born with the gift of gab. I had a plan, cuz I had not been home yet and I was tired....I figured I would not get out of the car, phone her as I am pulling down her street and ask her to come out and get her prize...
My plan failed. I spent a good 45 minutes sitting in my car in the street with her leaning in my window as I tried to explain to her why I do not call all the parents with the info I post on the web...

Her: Why didn't you tell me about the fundraiser earlier...
Me: I did... RYFE
Her: You know I do not read my email...
Me: Not my problem...
Her: But you could call me...I am your friend...
Me: So are the 20 other parents that asked me to call them...RYFE
Her: Not everyone is computer savy like you...
Me: Not my problem....have your kids read your email...
Her: They are busy...
Me: So am I...

So today, I got a bright idea. I called her (not the bright idea...) and offered her the job of calling all the other freshman parents who apparently do not read their email either (because they have not responded to my email pleas for help serving/donating for meals)....that'll teach 'em...cuz believe me, there is no such thing as a short phone conversation with Dear Gabby.

Friday:

Worked til 5:45 and then headed to another meeting of the Moms (okay just one Mom this time) to design a page for the fall sports program thanking all our sponsors. A veggie pizza and a few beers and hours later and we were happy with our creation...and i learned a few things about a few people I use to know way back in grade school who she knew in high school and college and after....verrry interesting stuff I learned....for another time...

Yesterday:

I did laundry, swam a lil (exercise and Sunny Vitamin D all in one shot), worked a lot on meal stuff, and then met some neighbor girls for a drink and gossip session that lasted into this morning....

Today:

Much like yesterday....more laundry, a lil swimming, a little time with G-Man and friends, a lot of meal planning/web stuff, dinner and drinks with a friend....

And that brings me to now....

Sitting here getting tired just thinking of the upcoming week....serving doubles in the mornings, then right to work for 6-8 hours. Friday night Pampered Chef party, Saturday afternoon lunch with high school friends I have not seen for 30 years, Sunday football meeting..

I'll be back...promise...

In the News...

Oxycontin Found in Skittles

My first thought after reading this article was to call G-man and tell him not to eat those two bags of Skittles I just bought him because there may be Oxycontin in them....

Then I thought better of it and figured it was best to keep my mouth shut and go to plan B.

He does not watch the news....I will confiscate the bags before he gets to them...hopefully...

Unless his friends watch the news...

And then I was thinking - will this make Skittles sale go down or up?

Or will it just level out?

My week ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 25, 2009 (via Facebook)

Residential moves will be hectic and may be unsatisfactory. Who's moving?

Don't make a move; your confusion has caused this dilemma and you are best to back away and reassess the situation. I am confused....

Your partner may push buttons that infuriate you. What partner????

Overindulgence may be a problem. Oh, really???

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Again? Well, I am not falling for it this time - $300 worth of "lucky lotto" tickets later and I am not feeling lucky....

I may be remiss..

I just wanted to let you know upfront that I may be a little less bloggy for the next couple of weeks.

In case you care why....

Peyton PHlace (no, not the Milk of Magnesia place, Bingo Betty) got extremely busy all of a sudden - at least for me. I need to release close to 300 documents by the end of August....which is not as easy as it sounds...

There are ECRs and DMRs and DCFs and ECOs and print files and source files for each...

And...if that is not enough...in my personal life as a Mom....well...are you ready for some football?

Because I am not. Meals to plans, checks to write, rosters and profiles and schedules to update and post; a messed up web to fix (yeah - I messed it up).

All before the first game on August 28th...

If you miss me - you can see what I am up to at http://southrebelfootball.com/

And Congrats to G-Man and three other well-deserving teammates on being elected Team Captains this past week! And NO - as some of the (non-elected) players thought - it is not just a title - there is actually work involved...

Go Rebs!!!

I am woman...

It's time....

...for a Peyton PHlaCe rant....you know you want one.

We have a new instant messenger program that works pretty well. I was chatting with a guy in another part of the building yesterday....

Me: Hey Jim, what is the part number of the doc you want me to release?

Him: Hold on.....

Me: I need it to pull a DCF to attach to a DMR for the ECO.

Him: Bare with me while I look it up...

Me: Hell, no. Just because I fell for it with the tick inspector from the health department....

On a positive note, I have been accomplishing a lot more of what I should be at work. At least I think I have.

But then again, I (and a few others) have been getting an onslaught of emails from various companies with tips for interviewing and good interviewing techniques. Think they know something about Peyton PHlaCe that we do not know?

I have learned that when I find myself start getting so frustrated that I feel the steam coming out my ears, it is time for a smoke break. What a great way to let off pent up frustration while making new friends, kissing up to the members of upper management who smoke, and gathering blog fodder.

Smoker1: Need to let off a little steam, Phillipia?

Me: You would not believe the day I am having. Some guy from the building A actually wanted me to get naked with him. Just because I asked him to look up a part number.

Smoker2: Is he blind?

Me: Hahaha.

Smoker1: Wonder if its the same guy that forgot to close the doors on the truck the other day. And then never saw the CT gantry roll off the back end.

Me: You're kidding, right????

Smoker2: Yeah, you know how they take the systems from this dock and move them to the building across the street and then put them on another truck over there to ship them to the hospitals?

Me: Yeah.....

Smoker1: Well this guy did not bother to shut the doors on the truck since he was just going across the street.

Smoker2: I guess he forgot the gantry was on rollers....

Smoker1: Half way down the road the thing rolls off the back...that gantry didn't get too far.

Smoker2: And he did not even see it roll off. When he got to the unloading dock across the street they asked where it was.

Smoker1: Damn thing was sitting in the road, blocking traffic.

Me: Did the covers stay on???

Smoker1: Haha funny...(inside joke)

SmokingManager: So when did you take up smoking Phillipia? (i.e., this is a smoking club and who invited you?)

Me: Umm...Uh...I'm just trying the second hand experience for awhile...

Let the anger out....

Saturday night I headed down to the Outpost in Kent to watch the battle of the bands featuring Dinosaurus Rex.

I do like Dinosaures Rex...a lot.

Especially the song K wrote for CareBear: "Leave me Alone." It's not what you think...really.

Dinosaurus Rex performed a great set.

I was totally unprepared for the next act tho'. They were good, too. Really good.

If you like death metal...and head banging...and screaming into the mic.

I do not mind it for a little bit...a short little bit.

I mean....what a great way to let loose of some pent up anger.

Reminded me of the first time I watched a high school lacrosse game. It was after a bad day at work and I was wishing I was out there on the field and the opponents were some of the Peyton PHlaCe phantoms.

But I digress...

What really bothered me Saturday was the violent headbanging of two of the death metal rockers. It literally hurt my neck just watching them. In fact I tried not to watch. I kept turning away. But then I was afraid that I would not be prepared when one of their heads flew off their neck and landed at my feet...

A few more shots and I will not even notice....

My Week Ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 18, 2009

You will be in an overly generous mood this week. With whose money...cuz I sure do not have any to give away.

Try to ease any disappointment by making amends. Amends for what???

Don't be too quick to respond to a plea for help. Like I said...no money to give; and I am already way overextended with my time.

Be prepared to meet new lovers through colleagues. Please NO....I CANNOT deal with another relationship right now...shit, I have not finished dealing with the last one:( I still have some of his shit around here.....

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Hmmm, maybe I should play Saturday's lotto instead of Friday's this week...

Better a few extra pounds...

So I took G-Man in for his sports physical last night.

As we are leaving the house together...

G-Man: Let's take separate cars, ok?

Me: Why??? You embarrassed to be seen with me?

G-Man: It's not that...I...uh...have plans afterward.

As I am driving there by myself I am thinking that I should have called and found out if I even needed to be there...I mean I paid up front and I signed all the forms....

But now I am there and look, so is half of the football team and their parents. Guess it is a good thing I showed so I would not once again be the bad mommy of the group. He's only 17 you know...

So as we leave and go our separate ways, I decide to hook up with a former neighbor to get some dinner.

As I am sitting there enjoying my terriyaki chicken sandwich with pineapple and onion rings and a tall Killian's Red, she is telling me about her latest predicament.

Her: I have been really eating healthy, Phillipia. I have been having toast or oatmeal for breakfast, tuna or grilled chicken for lunch and tomatos for dinner...

Me: Just tomatos?

Her: Well, with a lil olive oil and onion and basil.

Me: Just tuna?

Her: On a few crackers.

Me: I could not survive.

Her: Sure ya could. I have cut out beer and alcohol, too.

Me: Well that's gonna cut this evening short....

Her: I have lost 16 pounds since I last saw you.

Me: I can tell. You are looking good.

Her: Oh hell no I am not. Do not lie to me. Look at this skin hanging off my arms and under my chin. No one warned me about this...

Me: Okay, then...

Her: I'm telling you, this diet should come with a flab shrinker or something. Don't go on a diet, Phillippia, you look better with a few extra pounds than a lot of flabby skin.

No problem here...

A day late...

I hate it when people forward me bogus warnings without checking them out on snopes.com. I am sure I have probably done it a time or two myself - just to be on the safe side...but lately I have gotten a lot of them.

But this one I got today is real - I know - firsthand....

And it's important.

So please forward it to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your door saying they are with the health department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and insist that you take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air so they can check your body for ticks, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. And so does he...that'll teach him!

You're doing what????

I texted G-Man from my desk yesterday during a break in meetings....

Me: Hey, G-Man, what's happening?
G-Man: nm u
Me: Working. What time do you have to be at Mentor for football?
G-Man: 5:45
Me: You going by bus?
G-Man: Car.
Me: Want me to drive?
G-Man: No gtg ltr.

Well that did not satisfy the Mom in me , so I decided to use the phone for its god-given purpose and call him....

G-Man: Didn't we just have a text conversation?
Me: Hello to you too.
G-Man: Seriously, Mom. I'm busy. Can we talk later?
Me: Busy doing what?
G-Man: I gotta get a shower.
Me: Before football?
G-Man: I am going to the pool first...
Me: Okaaayyy...even less of a reason....
G-Man: I just got to, okay. I feel cruddy....
Me: .....
G-Man: There's a girl up there.
Me: So???
G-Man: I gotta go...see ya tonight...(Click)
Me: Thanks - I 'm having a good day, too.....

Anything to ease the pain....

In a recent study, it was shown that Swearing Makes pain More Tolerable...

I actually first heard about this study from my manager at fucking Peyton PHlaCE when she announced our department's new Leading to Win strategy.

This makes my fucking life so much easier to fucking handle...

I can now look forward to ...

... long-ass project meetings with bastard project managers and not having to keep all that anger pent up - hurting me inside. I can feel my ulcer healing already.

...to the next swearing match between G-Man and myself knowing that it is best to let the anger and hurt out....fuck all the damned cop-calling neighbors...and the ass-hole social services creeps. I have a word or two for them.

...to football games and dealing with blind M-F-ing refs and cheating big-ass opponents trying to hurt my baby. If they even try to throw my ass out, I'll just whip out the aforementioned study. That'll show 'em.

Swearing my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Think my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor will pick up on that?

You're off the charts Phillipia - you should set your goal higher....

No fucking problem....

Mom, I need your $30 today....

Oh yeah...

Not sure why I promised to buy that lotion from G-man last week, except maybe I was feeling a lil sorry for him.

Not sure which coach thought this fundraiser was a good idea, but he had the entire football team selling Victoria Secret bath products. He insisted they make a list of 30 people who would want to support the football program and then sat them down in a room to make the calls.

Hi, this is G-man and ...
Hey, G-man, how's it going? Getting ready for football?
Yeah, about that....how would you like to help the team?
You guys having another car wash?
Uh, no. Someone called the police last year ....
You're kidding.... Some people ....
We're selling Victoria Secret this year.
Alright...what's ya got?
Shower Gel and Lotion...
What????
Five Scents to Choose From....
Hey - I gotta go...my kids wanna use the phone...the line is breaking up...the dog just ran out in the street...I have food on the stove...the house is on fire....

Rest in Peace, Momma Cat

I am feeling a little guilty...but just a little.

After all, it is not my fault that Michael Jackson met his maker before his time and helped me out in Pa Rock's dead pool.

And it really is not my fault that my Bay Buddy's cat decided to pick this week to use up her ninth life...

Even if just last weekend we were discussing the chances of that happening in the near future ...

And tho my Bay Buddy was thinking she should start looking for a mouser cat to help Momma cat in her domestic duties, she was not quite sure Momma was ready to share her space - even as I insisted that I had the perfect addition to her household.

Now mind you I did not rush Not Sweetie (aka, my unwanted cat who I offered to watch for 2 weeks - that was in February and it is still here) over to Bay Buddy's home immediately upon Momma's death.

I did offer condolences while gently reminded her that I had the perfect solution to her problem.

And I gave her the usual three days to mourn. I waited patiently until last night - after three full days had past.

Then I visited with a couple of presents - one in a carrier and one in a bottle. As we drank White Zin on her deck, I let Not Sweetie be her sweet entertaining self until Bay Buddy fell in love.

I was almost out of there when Not Sweetie showed her true not so sweet side and started hissing and teasing the resident house cat. Seem she does not play quite as well with others as I had Bay Buddy believing.

But I am sure it will all work out.

And if it doesn't, I am confident that Bay Buddy's better (or at least other) half has plenty of ways to handle the situation....

As for me, let me share what I have learned from this whole cat sitting experience...

I will never, ever again, offer to sit anyone's pet unless I am totally convinced that I would want to keep and care for said pet until the end of time in the off chance that the owner did not return for said pet...

It could happen....
....only to me...

Bay Memories

Last weekend a friend and I spent a couple of days relaxing at Put-in-Bay. As always, it is a good time.

On our last trip I learned that I do not want to buy drinks while waiting for the Jet Express to take us across the Lake. So this year...well, let's just say we left a trail of lemon slices from the ferry parking lot to the dock. Those lil bottles of Jose and white zin can sure kick start a vacation...

I have a couple of favorite bay stories...

Last year, I actually had the opportunity to make it up on stage with The Menus at the Beer Barrel Saloon. I did manage to bring home a tambourine from that night...not really sure if it was meant to be a souvenir from the band, but hey...they let me off the stage with it ...

Quite a few years back, I was camping at the bay during the annual Wasted on Wine Weekend. The itinerary for the weekend included (but not limited to) being Blitzed at the Barrel, Loaded at Lonz, Hammered at Heidemans and Crashed at the CampSite. After getting blitzed a few of us headed over to a house where some other friends were staying. One friend in particular was not back from blitzing yet. So we decided - since he was not there to host - we would find his bottle of Jose and help ourselves to a couple of shots (each). We put the bottle back where we found it and then rearranged his room a little. The next day, on the ferry to Lonz, we met up with the missing host. He was looking dazed and confused. Apparently he drank much more than he remembered the night before (he couldn't believe he only had a half bottle of Jose left) and woke up on the floor that morning since his bed was not where he left it and he could not find the light switch to look for it...

And while I was sharing these stories with a friend at work, she told me her own story. Apparently she met her husband at the bay.

Her: So how long are you here for?
Him: Just the weekend.
Her: Where are you staying?
Him: On a boat.
Her: Oh, awesome. A sailboat?
Him: No, a canoe. In my friend's grandma's garage. There were no rooms left on the island.

Peyton PHlaCe...My Office Inbox is full....

Geez, could it be because I am so popular? NOT!!!

Yesterday morning I received an email from someone in our lighting division. It was an empty email with just his business card attached.

And that is when the fun started....

Email...after email...after email...all day long...and into this morning....

Congratulations....you have sent this email to everyone in the world who works for Peyton...Now what do you want? (just to say hi...let everyone know I am here)

Why did you send this to me???? (why not???)

Please STOP replying to ALL - you are flooding my inbox.... (what - you don't like email???)

Will everyone QUIT replying to all.... (that goes for you, too, buddy)

If you must answer, quit replying to ALL!!! (I couldn't find the reply to SOME option)

Please take me out of this email list!!! (what - you don't want to work here no more???)

When you reply to all, you are flooding everyone in Peyton's inbox...(slowing down the system, am I?)

And of course, each of the senders above replied to all:)

But the best....

Dear originalsender@PeytonLighting.com, you forgot forgotten.someomeone@PeytonIS.com Please forward... (to ALL!!!)

I'm Back...

In case you noticed that I was gone...

I did not intend to be MIA for the last few days - I just got busy.

• Busy enjoying the Willoughby fireworks display Sunday evening.
• Busy having fun and relaxing with a friend at Put-in-Bay Sunday and Monday.
• Busy catching up on laundry and bills and my day job yesterday.
• Busy baking for an AHA bake sale and then meeting with Moms last night to plan football meals.

Lest you think I am related to SuperMom, let me tell you that my idea of baking is purchasing tubs of Philadelphia Brand Cheesecake Filling, mixing in some Nestle brand mini chocolate morsels, and spreading the mixture into Keebler Graham Cracker Pie crusts...easy and yummy:)


And the busy-ness is not going to stop any time soon....

• This morning I am up early to package the homemade desserts and do a load of laundry.
• Tonight I hope to swim for an hour after work and then head to Akron to see Dinosaur Rex play at the Getaway Pub. Hope to see CareBear and LDBoy there:)
• Tomorrow after work I am headed to Baldwin-Wallace College to watch G-Man play in a 7 on 7 football thingy...
• This weekend I need to catch up on the Rebel football web...the season is nearly upon us with camp days and planning and all the pre-season hype ...

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Of course if I was independent of all this debt I am in, I could have a much happier day...but I digress.

At least the overcast skies have been replaced with clear blue and sunshine today:) I am about to take advantage of that and head up to the pool in a bit. Exercise and vitamin D all in one - what could be better. And just maybe there will be some eye candy up there for me...

I am a goddess...

Really....

Actually, I may finally be getting to do something I like to do at work...something I am actually half-way decent at and that I can do knowing that someone else is not doing it at the same time and thus making my efforts a waste of time...

Since right after I started at Peyton PHlaCe, seven years now, I have been coordinating the translation of user documents and, more recently, the total product localization, including User Interface. This whole product localization concept is relatively new in the Peyton PHlaCe world.
And it costs a lot of money. And management does not want to spend lots of money for anything. Management wants more, faster, cheaper, and of the utmost quality - like the rest of the product....yeah....uh-huh...that's right.

Well, I do not do such a good job at that...apparently. And to tell you the truth, I am pretty tired of trying. I have found myself having a harder and harder time going into the office each day. You probably could never tell that by reading this blog, but it is true.

Anyway, that may change. I think I have actually, finally convinced my bosses (yeah, I have two) that I could do something else much better. Something else that no one else in the group likes to do, but that I actually enjoy. I am weird like that.

It seems there was a meeting today with everyone in our group except me (because I was not invited - not because I just decided not to show). After the meeting, throughout the day, several co-workers approached me and asked for help releasing their documents since I was now the department ECO goddess per our boss.

Hmmm, that's news to me, but I like it.

I will be printing business cards this weekend. As soon as I finish designing my goddess logo.

Roast this...

I get out of writing a post today...

My good friend and blogging buddy Winky Twinky has honored me with a roast on her blog.

So I am going to send you there, right now....

'Cuz it's good....I'm just Sayin'

So I'm done (pun intended) for the day:)

Thanks, Winky Twinky.

I owe ya:)

Peyton PHlaCe...Gotta love the open office

I think some guys at the office actually believe that we all want to hear all their conversations....

No matter what they are shouting about....

It makes ya wonder - do these guys even know how to whisper???

It is hard to imagine them having a bedroom conversation...

Their kids are surely scarred for life...

A lap is a lap is a lap...

Last evening was fairly productive compared to most of my evenings...

I meant to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but realized when I was in my drive that I missed the store...

So I needed to rethink my evening....

Since I was already home, I grabbed my swimsuit and headed to Bally's because it was too cool to swim in the complex pool.

I should have hit the grocery store first - for a couple of reasons.

I was getting hungry. And I tend to get testy when I am hungry - doesn't everyone???

Anyway, as I headed into the pool area I notice that 2 of the 3 lap lanes are open and there is a gentleman in the loafer's lane doing some arm work. So I instinctively head to an open lap lane. And I lap, not the speed laps or breast stroke laps, but a walk/jog/walk lap. Still a lap. And as usual, someone sporting a 6-pack and compression shorts (really compressed to show his package) suggests that I share the loafer lane so he can do his speed laps. OK, so what - your speed laps are more important than my laps. Or is your time more important than my time that you cannot wait your turn...Thanks to you, effer, I had to add a few more laps to work out my frustration at not having the guts to say that out loud...but someday....

After Bally's I ran a couple other errands before I headed to the grocery store. I went to the bank and deposited checks so my bill payments would not bounce, then I filled my car up with gas, and then I went grocery shopping.

By that time I was reallly hungry. Uh-oh. They had three tubs of cheesecake batter left - better get them all and graham cracker crusts to put that mix in - oh and mini chocolate chips to swirl in there just for added feel goodness. This is an awesome AHA bake sale idea - just as long as I do not crave it too bad before next week. otherwise, i will have to work from home that day because I will have nothing to bring to the bake sale...

I did get some bananas and celery and carrots at the store too. I was craving my fruits and veggies after grabbing that cheesecake batter.

I headed home to whip up some cheesecake and other goodies I had been hoarding. I figured if I made the cheesecake for me, I better make something G-man likes - like chocolate pudding pie:) I figured I had a good two hours before he got home from work expecting the shrimp and pierogi dinner I had promised him - WRONG!!! His car was in the drive and he was anxiously waiting at the table for a rare home-cooked meal.

But I did not let that deter me...I told him it would be awhile because I was not expecting him so early. I had him invite Amy over and go pick her up. That gave me time (cuz Amy is pretty damn slow at getting ready to go anywhere - God love her) to make cheesecake, 7-layer bars, and chocolate pudding pie, shell and cook the shrimp, saute the pierogis and get dinner on the table. Yay me!

That is pretty much my home-cooking for the month. Everything else in Mother Phillipia's cupboards are self-serve:)

After dinner I took a few hours to blog, chat on facebook, send some emails, and update the football web...

An open letter to Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags...

Dear Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags,

I cannot thank you enough.

You are my bag of choice for taking out the trash.

You do not leak; you do not rip.

You have saved my sanity...more than once.

Phillipia

An Open Letter to Tide...

Dear Tide:

Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!

You are a truly awesome product.

I have used you all my life...my mom swore by you, and now I do, too.

In fact, I like you more as I age. Believe it ot not, I am in my fifties (note to self - write to Dove soon).

About a month ago, one of my ass-hole exes dropped by to pick up some of his stuff. While he was here, I happened to spill some of the red wine I was drinking on my new white blouse. He started to insinuate that I may have a drinking problem and suggested I get some help.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse, too! I grabbed a bottle of you (with your bleach alternative) and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the nice (hot) detective who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. A few minutes after the detective left, I got a call from my attorney. He informed me that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my ex.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without having to deal with that shit. My exes are always disappearing. I think this one may be gone for good.

Thank you, once again, for being so awesome at what you do.

Phillipia

Secret affairs?

It is Sunday and time to read my weekly horoscope and see what the stars have in store for me this week...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning June 27, 2009

Secret affairs may be tempting. Hell, any affair would be tempting right now...

You will be ready to jump on anyone who gets in the way of your progress this week. I am ready to jump on anyone...

Plan to get out and do a bit of travel. Key word there is "plan" - but otherwise, right on target...PIB, here I come.

Property investments, insurance, tax rebates, or inheritance should bring you financial gains. Well, unless my condo is going to go up in value drastically or someone or something destroys it or my car this may be off base...because anyone who I know has absolutely nothing to leave me in the wake of their untimely demise...

Your lucky day this week will be Monday. Wow, a reason to look forward to a Monday:)

May we have your attention please....

I had just settled into my workday - finally got my computer booted up and was enjoying my second cup of coffee....

Atten !!!! Atten...sion!!

Yesssss????

May we have your ....
This is a safety announcement.....

Yeeeeessss???? So are we suppose to leave the building or what? Is it safer inside or out? C'mon man - we obviously should be doing something besides sitting here waiting for you to spit it out...

...water main break...boil alert...do not drink the water...do not use the tap water for coffee...

It was a SSCOON* moment througout the office.
And then from a someone who obviously had not had enough coffee yet...

What about the water in the toilets?

What about it? You don't usually drink that do you?

*simultaneously shooting coffee out our noses

A sad week in Hollywood...

...unless you are participating in Pa Rock's Dead Pool!!!

Earlier this week it was Ed McMahon of Tonight Show and Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Fame. Damn, I guess I will never get my money now.

Then there was Farrah Fawcett. I am sorry I wished you dead when my ex could not take his eyes off of you long enough to ...oh nevermind...it all seems so trivial now....

But Michael Jackson, thank you, for getting me into the 6-way tie in Pa Rock's Dead Pool.

Seriously, I did not wish the demise of any of these celebrities. My sympathies to their families and friends. To MJ's alleged victims, I hope this brings you some peace.

R.I.P.

Now who else is on my list???? ....just kidding....

Eye of the Tiger...

I like to check out Julia's blog over at Homemade Hilarity every once in awhile.

Not only does it give me a good laugh, it reminds me of some of my forays into domestication...

When G-Man was in grade school, he had to select a craft kit that involved stuffing and sewing a stuffed animal. I never did understand the point of such assignments because you just know it is going to fall on the Moms (or Dads in the case of the 'build a bridge' assignment).

And G-man, being the kid he is, could not select a simple kit. He comes home with an 11-inch Bengal tiger kit.

Me: OMG, G-Man, are you trying to embarrass me???? You know I do not sew.

G-Man: I'll do it; it is my homework.

Me: Like that ever stopped me .

So we compromised and worked together on this thing. I say thing, because it did not look like a tiger when we were done - or not like a healthy tiger, anyway.

It's nose was pretty close to its right eye which was a lot farther from its left eye than it should have been.

One of the ears was twisted inside of itself...permanently.

We sent it to school as the Facially Challenged Lost Bengal of the Jungle. Teach was not impressed; but I did get a C+ for effort.

And being the supportive mom that I am, that tiger rode in the back window of my car until G-Man was a Sophomore in High School.

One of the little neighbor girls who loves G-Man always let me know how much she loved my tiger and came out and blatantly asked for it on several occasion.

Nooooo - G-Man made me that.....

I finally threw it in the trunk one day when I pulled into the school parking lot and realized the visiting football team was the Bengals. A Bengal Rebel would not have gone over too well:(

Heading to C-bus...

I get to do another road trip Friday to C-bus...

Probably will not be as much fun as the last trip in that direction - for me anyway.

But this trip is for G-man; he is participating in a football camp at "The OSU " Horseshoe.

I get to watch and learn and bring a couple good books:)

Not sure if his Dad is planning to go - that will make it a lil more stressful for me but prolly better for G-man.

And it is his day, so I will just stay low - which is pretty easy being as short as I am...

Please slow down...

My life seems in overdrive lately.

Last week I did not get home until 11:00 PM or lately almost every night.

Monday I worked bingo for the football team - got home about 11:15

Tuesday I hosted football Moms at my house till 11:00 - same difference as not getting home til 11:00, right?

Wednesday I was walking the streets of downtown til pretty late.

Thursday I had another business dinner at Bahama Breeze that lasted until a little after 9:30 and then I headed back to work to pick up my car and chatted with the vendor a bit in the parking lot....

Friday was Ame's dance recital. It was long, but it was awesome. There were dancers from age3 - 13. And Ames is awesome, I must admit. She does ballet and tap and modern. And you can tell when watching her that she loves it and puts her whole self into it. Her Swan Lake and Music Box Ballets were my favorite. After the dance recital we went to I-Hop because it was too late for most anywhere else and it is tradition (probably every where in the world) to go to DQ or somewhere comparable after a school concert or recital...

Saturday is sort of a blur...except for the PMS portion of the day (per a previous post) and the mall trip after wards. I needed to get G-man something decent to wear for his senior pictures - whether he wanted it or not. Oh yeah - and I had to get him a haircut because I did not want pictures with the skid marks he had cut into his head a couple weeks ago...

Sunday was lunch with my Dad and then 3 hours of senior picture taking. Kudos to Jessica Vidmar Photograpy. I cannot wait to see the pictures. I just followed around with changes of clothes and did my part to keep Willoughby's finest at bay and asure them that G-man was not going to jump from the train tracks into the raging rapids of the Cuyahoga River....and yes we are keeping ourselves on public property...and no he is not getting indecent in public - well sorta not, anyway.

And Photo Jess snapped a couple of pics of make-up-less moi with G-man (I was not prepared to be in any pics). But who knows, maybe one of the will show a more attractive side of me that my trolling pic....

Last Night I went with G-Man to his Dad's. I knew CareBear and LDBoy would be their because it was their Granpa's 80th Birthday. What I did not realize was that there would be so many other people there. It was nice to see my ex sister-in-law and step-sister-in-law and the ex's aunts and cousins who I have not seen for a good many years. They are a pretty nice down to earth group of people. And they are all really nice to me. So nice that they wondered (out loud, no less) if the ex and I were going to get back together.

Me: Say what????

Ex-someone: Yeah, well it's a shame. He's not dating anyone and do ya think you would get back together?

Me: Say what???? Sorry for him he has not found someone else to shit on...but (don't even ask me if I am dating anyone) hurt me once...that's it. Ok, not always, but that was a hell of a lot of hurt I went through cuz of that asshole. And the kids....

Ex-someone: Oooh, sorry I brought that up - nice weather we're having today...

Me: Oooh, look at the deer out yonder. Is that my phone ringing...let me go get that...

This week has got to get better....

Show the Love!

I got an email from my great-aunt the other day that I thought I should share with you.

Note that Aunt Georgine is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car...

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thunderous prayer meeting. I had your sister's boy Mikey with me. I think he actually liked the prayer meeting - he sure was smiling a lot. These teens nowadays need more Jesus in their life.

Anyway, I bought the sticker and put it on my car. Boy, am I glad I did.

As I was driving home I stopped for a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that the light was green. I found that he loves Jesus a lot. He honked once rather sheepishly like he was not sure how much he loved Jesus. And then he started honking like crazy. And then he leaned out of his window and started screaming: 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

And then everyone started honking! It was wonderful. All those people honking for Jesus. I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

And there was another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked Mikey what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. And Mikey started praising the Lord, too and giving everyone the good luck sign.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I just smiled and waved at everyone and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. That made me kind of sad - that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

I am going to go back to that store and get a whloe lotta those bumper stickers. I will put a few in the mail to you. Once you have one on your car, I know all your friends will want one too.

It is a great way to make new friends - better than that on-line dating thing you are trying.... And you know they all love Jesus!!

Will write again soon.

Thank you, Aunt Georgine....

Thank You, Tricky Dick

I came across an interesting article about the Origins of Fathers Day. I did not realize that it was not a legal holiday until then President Nixon declared it so in 1972.

I can understand how some Fathers (as opposed to Dads) would rather have a National Fishing Day than have to be bothered with the traditions of a National Get Another Damn Tie Day.

I for one am thankful for the National Day to honor Dads.

It reminds me that my Dad is a pretty good guy in his own twisted way and so I take him to lunch and spend a little quality time with him.

It reminds my kids that they do have a Dad who is pretty damn good to them in his own twisted way and so they spend the day with him = day to myself:)

And I see it as a chance to let the Fathers (as opposed to the Dads who enjoy it) see what it is like to be a "Dad" for a day...so take the day off Moms (who are married to Fathers) and head to the spa or the mall or the beach...


Happy Dad's Day to all of the Dads out there!

Looking for a job....

...for G-Man...

The kid has no clue...

I tried to help him get one yesterday, but that did not go too well.

It started yesterday morning as I am trying to get into work - literally. I have my overloaded computer bag in one hand, purse and umbrella in the other, trying to swipe my employee access card and turn the door handle before the access goes red and I get totally drenched, when my purse starts ringing.

Me (thinking it is my boss wondering where the hell I am): Hello.
G-Man: Hey, where are you.
Me: Take 3 guesses.
G-Man: You at work?
Me: Trying to get there.
G-Man: Well the bank screwed me over again. I put that money in you gave me yesterday to cover late fees and it says I am negative again!!!
Me: Go to the bank and get it figured out.
G-Man: But I was positive yesterday when I put in that money...
Me: Just go to the bank and get it straightened out ...
G-Man: Can I ....
Me: Do not even ask me for more money ...
G-Man: Geez Mom, you act like this is my fault...
Me: Just go take care of it...

Lucky for him I was in the office ... or maybe lucky for me, because if I said what was on my mind I would be looking for a job now, too.


When I got home, he smugly told me that he went to the bank and took care of it...talked the guy into dropping some of the fees...must be nice.

He then started rambling about something and quite honestly, I am not sure what happened after that...I just let loose (as I do at times).

I guess he was just having too much fun after having borrowed $200 from me to pay late fees because he did not have any money in his account to begin with...and I am still waiting for car insurance and phone money from him this month...hoping and praying that I have not taken anything out of my account that I forgot to mark down...otherwise I will be seeing some late fees, too.

And then his report card showed up on the table and we have two totally different opinions about what he can and cannot do in the classroom...

Lucky for both of us it is Father's Day Weekend...because we are definitely in need of a little time apart...

Working Dinners....

This has been a work week....

Our localization vendor's team is in town trying to help us do things better...

Actually we get to tell them what we like and do not like about how they are doing things and they explain to us that you only get what ya pay for....one for the vendor:)

So anyway, a coworker and one of my favorite vendor contacts decided to go to dinner Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, they made the mistake of thinking that I could show them a good time. They wanted to eat somewhere outside, overlooking the water....

So we headed downtown...

And walked the streets a little....

And made some new friends who were also from out of town and hoping I knew a good place to get some spirits....

Me (pointing across the alley): That looks like a fun place.
Them: Sure, honey, let's go check it out....
Vendor: Uh, Phillipia, huunnneeee, what are you doing????
Me: What, they wanted spirits???
Them: You girls like to party???
Me: OMG!!! Not the Adult Mart - the lil Irish pub next door. It's there - see it???

The pot at the end of the rainbow...

Another dream shattered...

WTF?

So I have been faithfully wearing my activity monitor for the 2-1/2 weeks.

I actually make th eeffort to reach 100% of my goal each day...

And I do pretty good.

In fact, I usually go over by about 75% (3 round trips to the fridge about covers that).

But today, I was at my desk or in meetings allllll morning...did not get a bit of exercize except to mozy from meeting to meeting and out to my car for a curb-side lunch pick-up.

I usually try to synchronize the monitor with my online data a couple times a day to make sure I keep on track. So, when I got back to my desk after lunch, I plugged the monitor into the USB adapter on my computer. I was expecting to be at about 25% of my goal for the day, if that.

But what should my wondering eyes see...a whopping 500%...with the most activity during my morning meetings....WTF????

I checked and double-checked and changed the battery, and even read the manual, but nothing changed...I was actively burning calories sitting in meetings. Gotta love that:)

I was having an awesome day(per my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor, anyway) and feeling pretty good about it too.

Off to an afternoon of more meetings....

I am sitting there minding my own business basking in the glory of knowing that I am burning calories just being me....

Voice1: Are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I'm fine, why?
Voice1: You're twirling that activity monitor around like its alive...
Voice2: Isn't that cheating?

Ahhhh...that would explain a few things...

And how can I make this work for me????

I may be funny, but I am not pretty....

I was browsing for content for G-man's calendar Friday. Saturday was ACT day, so I was looking for test material. When I googled "fun tests" the first few returns were for OKCupid.com....hmmm.

A friend had tried to get me to try OK Cupid, so of course I saw this as a sign...