Doc said...

A good friend of mine emailed me a summary of a recent conversation she had with her new doctor. The email also included profuse apologies for her previous aggressive attempts to encourage me to change my lifestyle and eating habits "for my own good".

Friend: I've been doing a cardio workout 3x a week so I feel younger and live longer...

Doc (interrupting): Are you crazy? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Friend: The doctor I was seeing before told to me to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.

Doc: Then why are you here? Oh yes, he passed away didn't he. Think about this... What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Friend: I drink a glass of wine a night - maybe 5-6 nights a week; is that too much?

Doc: Not at all. If I were you, I would add a brandy and a beer or two to your daily intake. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Friend: I am worried about my body/fat ratio; is there a simple method for calculating that?

Doc: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Friend: I have pretty much stopped eating fried foods per my previous doctor's orders. But I am missing them. Are they really that bad for me??

Doc: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Friend: I have been faithfully doing sit-ups every night, but my belly seems to get bigger instead of smaller...

Doc: Duh! Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Friend: Is chocolate really that bad for me?

Doc: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Friend: Will swimming help my figure?

Doc: Sure - if you like the figure of a whale!!!

Remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body...

I say skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride."

Happy Birthday, Friend

So, I made a new friend this year, I think...

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is my friend and who I just wish was my friend...

But anyway, Happy 48th Birthday, Friend.

I was reading a little about Mat 22nd Geminis and this friend sorta fit the bill:

Geminis born May 22 have great charisma and the ability to draw attention to themselves. They may be lofty and intellectual one day, earthy and intense another. They have a spiritual side they seldom reveal to others. For this reason they usually keep personal beliefs to themselves. What do you believe in, anyway?



May 22 individuals are generally seen as leaders by others, though they may not see themselves in this role. Members of their inner circle are very much in awe of them. Love can be a complicated thing for them. No, really?

They may be unwilling to see the problems and failings of a beloved individual. Ok, this is not you - you seem to see where I fail better than I do.

May 22 natives believe in the traditional family values. This is especially true if they weren't involved in a close family unit as children. They take an active interest in the lives of their children. They are strict disciplinarians, yet fair. They are likely to impress upon their youngsters the importance of honesty and integrity. Ummmm...ok...:)

These folks are naturally healthy and work very hard to keep themselves in top physical condition. They like plain food, cooked simply. They require a lot of protein in their diet, and water should be their beverage of choice. Ok, unless Jim Beam is the new water...

The written and spoken word has great meaning for May 22 natives. Though intelligent, they don't flaunt their knowledge. They are also generous to their friends and family. I really do want to be your friend:)

Things May 22nd Geminis should embrace: A healing spirit, perfection, balance. Ok, my lack of balance, especially after a few shots, could be a good reason for you to avoid my friendship...

Things May 22nd Geminis should avoid: Being quarrelsome, self-interest, obsession. Geez - just what I needed...to give you a few more reasons...

Just Ignore this post and have a happy birthday without me...I do hope the next 12 months are better for you than the last...

Honestly...

So I just got home a little bit ago...it has been a long day.

I went into work a little later than usual - since I have been working later I might as well start later...hopefully I will not shift my schedule so much that I am on LDBoy's schedule...but I digress...

Anyway, I worked til about 6:15, then stopped by my Dad's and wished him a happy birthday. He started telling me about the good old days and then started telling me again...I am getting a lil worried about him...but he still knows who I am and how many kids I have and some other details I wish he would forget...

Then I stopped at Wal-Mart to return the vacuum that didn't suck the way it should (per a previous post) and picked up a few flowers for my deck and flower bed area. Totally unlike me - not sure what I was thinking...I hope the domestication shit lasts until I get them planted...

I started sweating profusely while carrying the flowers to the deck...I honestly could not tell if I was over doing it (I am outta shape) or having another mid-life hot flash. Either way, I should have lost a few pounds...

So now it is time to sit down, relax, and have a nice cold Molson...

Answer honestly...
Would you prefer....
To be an Old West Outlaw
- or -
A1920s mobster?

Duh...neither...but who would I want to date given the choice...

I am definitely an old west outlaw type of girl...a cowboy hat and boots and jeans and a little dirt Clint Eastwood kind of outlaw...oh yeah...gets me all hot and bothered thinking about him...

None of that suit and tie shit 1920s mob guy for me...

Honestly...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad’s birthday…
Which got me to thinking…I know an awful lot of people with birthdays around this time of year…

Several friends… May 18^th, 22^nd, 30^th, June 2^nd…

My Dad today…

My brother on the 23^rd…

My late grandpa on the 24^th…

My Mom on June 1^st…


Hmmm…brings to mind one of my favorite Neil Diamond tunes…Hot August Night

I am good luck:)

So once again I am a winner...well, G-Man was the real winner.

Monday night, his Dad and I escorted him to a local radio station's awards dinner for earning Player of the Game in Week 8 of last fall's regular football season.

It was an enjoyable evening. The award presenter is well-known in the area for promoting local athletes and has been a friend of G-Man's since 5th grade basketball....

G-Man and 45 other area football/basketball players got (yet another) plaque and some attention from local coaches and parents.

G-Man's dinner was complimentary. Dad and I paid $12 each. Dinner included a door prize raffle ticket...

Of the three of us, whose number was pulled first? ...yeah, that's right....#196 belonging to Phillipia. Not only was my prize first of the three of us - it was one of the first 5 of the night to be pulled...

So come on up and get a prize from the table...

I'll take that blue tooth headset there worth almost $2o - that will pay for my dinner and make G-Man pretty happy with me too:)

...because by the time his Dad's number and his got pulled there was not much left to choose from; but dad did walk away with a Notre Dame College (as opposed to university of) T-shirt and a rather nice, warm winter shirt (made in Russia warm) with a certificate for free embroidery.

Yes, the made in Russia shirt was valued at much more than the Blue Tooth headset, but value is in the eye of the beholder - and G-man was not eyeing that shirt. Phillipia wins the heroine to her favorite youngest child award.

That is favorite youngest as opposed to favorite and youngest; just needed to clear that up in the event that LDBoy or CareBear happened upon this post...

Misbehavin?

Last night I was trying to renew a couple of library books online (since I have been reading more blogs than books lately). Twice I tried to open the library home page and this is what I got in return:

CGI Error
The specified CGI application misbehaved by not returning a complete set of HTTP headers.

Shame on you CGI application - start returning headers....completely...in sets - whatever the hell that means.

Now my books are overdue and I cannot renew them online because the CGI was misbehavin'...guess I will just have to renew Humor Bloggers for Idiots in person. Damn.

The pressure's on...

Got to be funny...or I will get kicked out of the first club to let me in since 5th grade....

Please don't make me leave HBDC...I will be funny. I promise.

Just not right now, 'cuz I seem to have funny block.

Sometimes when life sucks, it is hard to be funny.

Does funny-looking count???? ...'cuz that I am!

Hey quit eating my hat - that's all I got.

One more all-nighter...

Friday night was busy...

Let's back up a little....Thursday night, I was browsing and came across Mental Poo which kept me entertained for most of the night and into the wee hours of the morning. So much so that by the time I finally quit reading/lol I had less than two hours before it was time to get up and get ready for the office. Needless to say, G-man did not get the courtesy of Mom's breakfast Friday morning and went to school hungry and crabby....thank you moog...

Friday at the office I did my best to stay awake, look alive and act like I gave a rat's ass about what I was doing....The two jet fuel pills I took before I headed out helped a tiny bit with that endeavor.

Friday evening I had plans to meet a new friend and talk about a vested interest - trading services for services. Get your mind out of the gutter; we were talking professional services. But the half hour conversation lasted about 2 and a half hours.

Then it was time to get ready for the after-prom I had volunteered for, so I hopped in the shower, popped a couple more jet-fuel pills and off I went.

I love working after-prom, seeing all the kids having fun and visiting with other parents. I had so much fun that I did not have a problem staying awake...

Til I got back home...at 4:30 am...

I walked in the door, noticed a couple of bodies in the living room, mumbled hello, and headed up to bed.... and that was all she wrote....till about noon...

....when I stumbled down the stairs to see who was in my living room...it was just a couple of G-man's friends - damn.

But I grabbed my favorite place on the couch and tried to act like a nice Mom for a bit - until I nodded off mid-conversation. Actually, it was pretty much mid-sentence...

I woke several times during the next few hours ...or they woke me...

Mom, wake up, you're snoring...really loud...

Damn cold...I kept promising to go back up to bed, but nodded back off before I got the words out of my mouth...

When they couldn't take it any more, they left - to their own homes and not-so-annoying families. G-man headed for work.

I kept sleeping...or trying to. I actually woke myself up a couple of times...took me a bit to realize what god-awful sound woke me, but yeah, it was me...

About 8:30 PM, I woke one more time...to the phone...G-man calling from work, telling me he is going out with some friends and asking if I will give him a ride home if he stays out past curfew...

We are just going to hang out and play halo and you slept all day anyway...so if I need a ride at 4:00 am, will you come and get me so i do not get arrested for breaking curfew?

Sure, G-man. One more all nighter will not kill me...anything for you...well not anything...no, I will not do that...don't even go there...you've been warned...