Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.Thanks to my smartest younger brother for this submission...
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texans have decided to produce one featuring their state. The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'mGay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. Thanks to my best looking younger brother for this submission.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally they wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted. The man leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
My date and I were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. Not wanting to drive, we decide to take a taxi from his house. As we are waiting for the taxi, he turns on a night light, covers his pet parakeet, and puts the cat in the backyard. When the taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave, the cat scooted back inside. We did not want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. So I go out to the taxi, while my date goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with him in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I do not want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So I explain to the driver that my date will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to his mother." A few minutes later, my date gets into the cab looking a bit frazzled. 'Sorry I took so long,' he says, as we drive away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"The cab driver hit a parked car.
At this time in my life, my two favorite words are "awesome" and "ok?"
By favorite I mean that I use them so much and in so many different contexts that I literally drive those close to me crazy...
I really am trying to slow down on their usage, because I do not want to drive anyone crazy or away:)
My driving skills leave much to be desired...but that is a different story...
I headed out Friday morning with a couple of friends to spend some time in Columbus....The last time I was in Columbus was 3 years ago with the Middle School State Track Meet. That was a fun time. It was literally the first time G-Man ran the 4x400 competitively. They needed a fourth runner, so he stepped up and together they broke the Willoughby Middle School record. It was a good end to an exhausting meet....This time I was in Columbus for a different kind of fun...oh yeah...We took a bus downtown Friday evening, shared some awesome chili cheese fries and a reuben at Bailey's and from there visited a number of interesting places...The Char Bar, mostly because of the great ambiance and the great staff...
"So where are you from? ....Willoughby?...You have a son at South? Does he know...? "
Time to make a call, cuz the bartender happens to be the brother-in-law of one of my best friends. We live in the same development - pretty much across the street from each other....Our kids have grown up together. What a small world. So this is where they go in Columbus....
When I mention the incident to G-man, he says, yeah I know...she called me and says guess where your Mom is...
But what brought us to Char Bar in the first place was the martini bar next door. As you may have guessed, I (and hence my friends) are not exactly martini bar types; but martini bars have valet service. And the valets at this particular place are unique. These guys actually jump over a 20-ft wall to get to the parking lot where they have earlier parked their clients' cars. We took video, because it was an awesome site to behold...as soon as the video is posted I will share the link...
Next stop (that I remember) was Havana. I have never been in such a place. Yes, I am old, but I just never have. What an experience. I almost lost my date. It was a tug of war... Phillipia won...she still has her ruler from her Sister Mary years:)
We spent most of Saturday being lazy (aka recuperating from Friday).
This weekend started Thursday night for me. CareBear and Ames' Mom (JS) and I went to see Eddie Money at the House of Blues. We had a great time. A show and a show...we were in the general admission area near another group of ladies who were really enjoying their night out. JS and I got a little closer to the stage than CareBear wanted (yeah Eddie Money is old and probably did not need to be lifting his shirt up, but hey). So as we are jumping around acting younger than we are, I almost fell over a lost boot heel on the floor. A souvenir - and its free...If I was a guy, it may have been sort of a glass slipper...I am not a guy...as you know...but there were a couple of guys near us trying to hit on the group of ladies with hat girl (long story) who were really enjoying their night out as girls with girls if you get my drift. And then we realized that one of the girl's was missing a heel...she was trying to stand on one foot to check out her boot and the guy who was holding her up, checking her out checking him and her boot out....After they pulled themselves apart, I took my souvenir boot heel over to the guy who looked like he would know what to do with it...Phillipia to the rescue....I thought it might be good for a drink...instead it got me a reaaalllly friendly hug and almost too intimate kiss from the thankful one-heeled lady....it got him a lot of one-on-one dance time with hat girl which kept us on our toes because hat girl looked like she was going to lose her liquid dinner at any second and with the speed they were twirling at...yeah, simple physics gives ya the right picture......bless us Father, for she is wasted...CareBear refused to stay after the show so I could get an autogtraphed t-shirt.......take me home, tonight...
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