Peyton PHlaCe has my well-being at heart....

So Peyton PHlaCe has a new product that I - as a lucky employee - can obtain free of charge. This product monitors my activity level and thus my my calorie expenditure.

This nifty little monitoring device dangles close to my heart on a fashionable leather necklace...

And it comes with software and a USB interface for easy data synchronization...(they are watching).

I decided when the offer to be a guinea pig for this device came knocking on my cubicle, I had best take advantage. You see, on my last performance review, my boss (who I really love - but who lives on the other side of the country and has no f-ing clue how I spend my off hours) wanted to include as one of my goals for this year that I start an exercise program...

Hmmmm...okay....how about I start going to Bally's three more f-ing days a week...maybe, say, twice a day, 3 hours at a time...am I too fat for you? Ohhhh, I see...you think I'd feel better. I'll tell ya what would make me feel better...but I might get fired...

Deep breaths....

Yeah....so anyway...I ordered the monitor and installed the software and read the user manual....

The first eight days are a baseline period...sort of an evaluation.

So, how do I want to play this? Well I "forgot" to wear my monitor most of the first week...I would forget to put it on in the morning and remember to put it on when I was sitting down to watch TV or read a book or blog.

And who knew the damn thing was waterproof? Not me...so I took it off when I went swimming - the only actual exercise I do....

Since the monitor measures total body movement...well you get the picture...

You are like David. David works long hours and drives everywhere. Your goal is to increase your calorie expenditure to 399 calories per day.

Hmmm...David was looking pretty hot in his picture. I am ok being like David.

But I do have a mid-year performance appraisal coming up, so I had better try to pull this off....

Now that I am almost done with the first week of real monitoring, I am a model student - heck yeah...I am #1 (out of a zillion - cuz every PHC employee around the world has one of these toys).

I get up to pee...I have done 200% of what I did during the eval time and I have burned 20% of my calories. OK, now for a run up the steps.......ding...ding...ding...100% of my goal...I can take the rest of the day off....

And blog:)

I wonder if they need someone to try out the newest version of the defibrillator...

John Kevin, you play dead and I'll try to restart your heart....ooops, I missed.

Good friends jump in the lake for you....

Its 5:30 AM and I hear voices outside - loud voices....and then the doorbell and the phone and banging on the door - uh-oh...

My first thought is that G-man is being escorted home by a few of Willoughby's finest...

But a quick look in his room tells me that he (and a few friends) are already home from their late night debauchery.

And then the doorbell and the phone and banging on the door resumes...

Ahhh - it is my favorite first-born and his friend AC...

Me: Why are you banging on the door? - come on in...

LDboy: Unlock it...let us in...

Me: Oh its locked - that's strange...yeah, I know it should be, but you know me...

LDBoy: Got any warm-up food???

Me: Why are you two all wet? Where have you been?

AC: Uhhh...swimming in the lake...

LDBoy: And dry clothes?

Me: Say what???

So I scrounge through G-mans drawers (actually baskets - because he claims it is my job to put his clothes away - but I digress) and get the boys some dry clothes....

Me: Now spill it...

AC: Your son wanted a cigarette (after 4 weeks of being smoke-free) but me, being the good friend that I am - refused to let him buy any....

LDBoy: He actually paid the gas station attendant not to sell me any...that bitch...I still want a cigarette...

AC: He said he would do anything for a smoke - just name it...So I picked something totally off the wall that I figured he would not attempt...but your son is crazy...

Me: Yeah...he is...all my kids are...they get it from their Dad.

AC:I told him if he could swim out farther in Lake Erie than I could, I would give him a cigarette.

LDBoy: I was already in the car, so we were on the road two minutes later. I know I can swim and am use to cold water; he is use to warm beaches. I should have been good.

AC: Should have gets you nothing...

LDBoy: Yeah, well after I was in the water a couple minutes, I started thinking about what else might be in the water with me besides AC...and so I sort of let him win...

AC: Let me win???? Hey buddy, win this...

Me: Have you two been drinking?

LDBoy: No, ask the cop..

Me: Cop????

AC: He really wanted to arrest us for something...

LDBoy: Wish I coulda read his mind...we have two..uh guys, here just out for a late nite swim we think...

Me: Where were you?

AC: The beach...

Me: What Beach?

LDBoy: In Mentor somewhere...we just put Beach in the Garmin and it took us there...

Me: So, you drove from Akron to Mentor for a 4:30 AM jump in the lake?

LDBoy:The cop said the same thing....

Me: I bet....

AC: I told him we don't have any lakes in Akron.

Thanks for being a friend AC.

Say what???

I got several calls to my cell phone this weekend from this #: 254720634224

Yeah, I know - it's got too many digits to be a real phone number...that's what made me curious...

I missed the first call and almost called back - cuz usually when someone calls my cell, they need or want to get a hold of me..and G-Man was out god knows where doing god knows what (yeah, I let god handle it)...

Anyway, realizing it was not a local #, I googled it - well the first 10 digits anyway...cuz that's all that really matters, right?

It is a cell phone with a Texas area code...oh shit....

Who do I know in Texas that is up to any good? Noone...

But the next time they called, I let my curiosity get the better of me and answered...

Me: Hello?
Texas: Hello? hello? I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap
Me: Who is this?
Texas: Who is this?
Me: Hey, I asked first!!! And you called me....
Texas: I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap...
Me: Identify yourself in English - an English that I can understand - or I am hanging up...
Texas: blah-blah-mush-blah-crap-giggity-do-giggity
Me: Click....

A few hours later he (I assumed it was a he although it was a little hard to tell - the voice did have a little feminine quality to it) called back...

And I was still curious (the boredom of my so called life had set in) - so I answered...

Me: Hello?
Texas: Hello? hello? I am looking for blah-blah-mush-blah-crap-creep-giggity-boo-hah-crap
Me: This is not ...hell, I don't know...leave me alone already...why did I answer this call...thank God it is the weekend and it is not costing me anything - I hope...
Texas: I am blah-blah-mush-blah-crap...
Me: Just shut the fuck up til you learn English, ok?
Texas: Click...
Me: And don't call back, ya here?

Problem solved:)

Enough already...

The name is Phillipia - as in Sr. Mary...

Not Phil or Phillip or Melvin (wonder where that came from)....

Do I look like a guy?

Do I look like I have a penis?

Do I look like I want to spend money enlarging some guy's penis?

If you answered NO to all of the above...and you damn well better had...

STOP sending me advertisements for Cialis and Viagara and any other penis enhancing secrets...

Or wait, maybe I should order some to slip into the drink of....

Hmmm, how does that shit work anyway????

Today is my lucky day:)

Really, that's what my horoscope says....

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning June 6, 2009
You can meet new friends who will let you know just how valuable you are. Females may put demands or added responsibilities on you. Don't trust a deal that looks too good, or a lover who appears to have it all. Help those incapable of taking care of their personal affairs.

Your lucky day this week will be Sunday.

Well, it's Sunday, and here I am luck...come and show your face:)

God knows I can use some luck right now...good luck, that is...

Don't need any more of that bad luck shit...won't take any more of that bad luck shit...