Saturday, August 30, 2008

More from Dave Barry....

19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.


9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.


10. Never lick a steak knife.


11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.


12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight savings time.


14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


19. Your friends love you anyway.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The First Kiss

It's your First Kiss...
Several questions come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
Then you say...
'What the heck!'
Just Go for it!!!

You know this must be a 2nd or 3rd child... because Mom grabbed the camera and not the kid! :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Multi-Tasking for the Aged

With age comes special multi-tasking skills....

I can now laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, & pee
all at the same time...



Sunday, August 24, 2008

Blondes do have more fun...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.

Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.