Better a few extra pounds...

So I took G-Man in for his sports physical last night.

As we are leaving the house together...

G-Man: Let's take separate cars, ok?

Me: Why??? You embarrassed to be seen with me?

G-Man: It's not that...I...uh...have plans afterward.

As I am driving there by myself I am thinking that I should have called and found out if I even needed to be there...I mean I paid up front and I signed all the forms....

But now I am there and look, so is half of the football team and their parents. Guess it is a good thing I showed so I would not once again be the bad mommy of the group. He's only 17 you know...

So as we leave and go our separate ways, I decide to hook up with a former neighbor to get some dinner.

As I am sitting there enjoying my terriyaki chicken sandwich with pineapple and onion rings and a tall Killian's Red, she is telling me about her latest predicament.

Her: I have been really eating healthy, Phillipia. I have been having toast or oatmeal for breakfast, tuna or grilled chicken for lunch and tomatos for dinner...

Me: Just tomatos?

Her: Well, with a lil olive oil and onion and basil.

Me: Just tuna?

Her: On a few crackers.

Me: I could not survive.

Her: Sure ya could. I have cut out beer and alcohol, too.

Me: Well that's gonna cut this evening short....

Her: I have lost 16 pounds since I last saw you.

Me: I can tell. You are looking good.

Her: Oh hell no I am not. Do not lie to me. Look at this skin hanging off my arms and under my chin. No one warned me about this...

Me: Okay, then...

Her: I'm telling you, this diet should come with a flab shrinker or something. Don't go on a diet, Phillippia, you look better with a few extra pounds than a lot of flabby skin.

No problem here...

A day late...

I hate it when people forward me bogus warnings without checking them out on snopes.com. I am sure I have probably done it a time or two myself - just to be on the safe side...but lately I have gotten a lot of them.

But this one I got today is real - I know - firsthand....

And it's important.

So please forward it to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your door saying they are with the health department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and insist that you take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air so they can check your body for ticks, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. And so does he...that'll teach him!

You're doing what????

I texted G-Man from my desk yesterday during a break in meetings....

Me: Hey, G-Man, what's happening?
G-Man: nm u
Me: Working. What time do you have to be at Mentor for football?
G-Man: 5:45
Me: You going by bus?
G-Man: Car.
Me: Want me to drive?
G-Man: No gtg ltr.

Well that did not satisfy the Mom in me , so I decided to use the phone for its god-given purpose and call him....

G-Man: Didn't we just have a text conversation?
Me: Hello to you too.
G-Man: Seriously, Mom. I'm busy. Can we talk later?
Me: Busy doing what?
G-Man: I gotta get a shower.
Me: Before football?
G-Man: I am going to the pool first...
Me: Okaaayyy...even less of a reason....
G-Man: I just got to, okay. I feel cruddy....
Me: .....
G-Man: There's a girl up there.
Me: So???
G-Man: I gotta go...see ya tonight...(Click)
Me: Thanks - I 'm having a good day, too.....

Anything to ease the pain....

In a recent study, it was shown that Swearing Makes pain More Tolerable...

I actually first heard about this study from my manager at fucking Peyton PHlaCE when she announced our department's new Leading to Win strategy.

This makes my fucking life so much easier to fucking handle...

I can now look forward to ...

... long-ass project meetings with bastard project managers and not having to keep all that anger pent up - hurting me inside. I can feel my ulcer healing already.

...to the next swearing match between G-Man and myself knowing that it is best to let the anger and hurt out....fuck all the damned cop-calling neighbors...and the ass-hole social services creeps. I have a word or two for them.

...to football games and dealing with blind M-F-ing refs and cheating big-ass opponents trying to hurt my baby. If they even try to throw my ass out, I'll just whip out the aforementioned study. That'll show 'em.

Swearing my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Think my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor will pick up on that?

You're off the charts Phillipia - you should set your goal higher....

No fucking problem....

Mom, I need your $30 today....

Oh yeah...

Not sure why I promised to buy that lotion from G-man last week, except maybe I was feeling a lil sorry for him.

Not sure which coach thought this fundraiser was a good idea, but he had the entire football team selling Victoria Secret bath products. He insisted they make a list of 30 people who would want to support the football program and then sat them down in a room to make the calls.

Hi, this is G-man and ...
Hey, G-man, how's it going? Getting ready for football?
Yeah, about that....how would you like to help the team?
You guys having another car wash?
Uh, no. Someone called the police last year ....
You're kidding.... Some people ....
We're selling Victoria Secret this year.
Alright...what's ya got?
Shower Gel and Lotion...
What????
Five Scents to Choose From....
Hey - I gotta go...my kids wanna use the phone...the line is breaking up...the dog just ran out in the street...I have food on the stove...the house is on fire....

Rest in Peace, Momma Cat

I am feeling a little guilty...but just a little.

After all, it is not my fault that Michael Jackson met his maker before his time and helped me out in Pa Rock's dead pool.

And it really is not my fault that my Bay Buddy's cat decided to pick this week to use up her ninth life...

Even if just last weekend we were discussing the chances of that happening in the near future ...

And tho my Bay Buddy was thinking she should start looking for a mouser cat to help Momma cat in her domestic duties, she was not quite sure Momma was ready to share her space - even as I insisted that I had the perfect addition to her household.

Now mind you I did not rush Not Sweetie (aka, my unwanted cat who I offered to watch for 2 weeks - that was in February and it is still here) over to Bay Buddy's home immediately upon Momma's death.

I did offer condolences while gently reminded her that I had the perfect solution to her problem.

And I gave her the usual three days to mourn. I waited patiently until last night - after three full days had past.

Then I visited with a couple of presents - one in a carrier and one in a bottle. As we drank White Zin on her deck, I let Not Sweetie be her sweet entertaining self until Bay Buddy fell in love.

I was almost out of there when Not Sweetie showed her true not so sweet side and started hissing and teasing the resident house cat. Seem she does not play quite as well with others as I had Bay Buddy believing.

But I am sure it will all work out.

And if it doesn't, I am confident that Bay Buddy's better (or at least other) half has plenty of ways to handle the situation....

As for me, let me share what I have learned from this whole cat sitting experience...

I will never, ever again, offer to sit anyone's pet unless I am totally convinced that I would want to keep and care for said pet until the end of time in the off chance that the owner did not return for said pet...

It could happen....
....only to me...

Bay Memories

Last weekend a friend and I spent a couple of days relaxing at Put-in-Bay. As always, it is a good time.

On our last trip I learned that I do not want to buy drinks while waiting for the Jet Express to take us across the Lake. So this year...well, let's just say we left a trail of lemon slices from the ferry parking lot to the dock. Those lil bottles of Jose and white zin can sure kick start a vacation...

I have a couple of favorite bay stories...

Last year, I actually had the opportunity to make it up on stage with The Menus at the Beer Barrel Saloon. I did manage to bring home a tambourine from that night...not really sure if it was meant to be a souvenir from the band, but hey...they let me off the stage with it ...

Quite a few years back, I was camping at the bay during the annual Wasted on Wine Weekend. The itinerary for the weekend included (but not limited to) being Blitzed at the Barrel, Loaded at Lonz, Hammered at Heidemans and Crashed at the CampSite. After getting blitzed a few of us headed over to a house where some other friends were staying. One friend in particular was not back from blitzing yet. So we decided - since he was not there to host - we would find his bottle of Jose and help ourselves to a couple of shots (each). We put the bottle back where we found it and then rearranged his room a little. The next day, on the ferry to Lonz, we met up with the missing host. He was looking dazed and confused. Apparently he drank much more than he remembered the night before (he couldn't believe he only had a half bottle of Jose left) and woke up on the floor that morning since his bed was not where he left it and he could not find the light switch to look for it...

And while I was sharing these stories with a friend at work, she told me her own story. Apparently she met her husband at the bay.

Her: So how long are you here for?
Him: Just the weekend.
Her: Where are you staying?
Him: On a boat.
Her: Oh, awesome. A sailboat?
Him: No, a canoe. In my friend's grandma's garage. There were no rooms left on the island.