Saturday, March 14, 2009

Who said that?

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians.'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

At that the teacher fainted.

Peyton PHlaCe policies explained...

The following is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.

Eight monkeys are put in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies' policies get established.

They're coming to take me away...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Thanks lil' brother...but I'm not going:)

Friday, March 13, 2009


It has been a fairly good Friday, even tho' it is the 13th....

I got to work at a fairly decent hour and I got quite a bit done while I was there...

The kids came to visit tonight and have just left for some barhopping downtown...

I have designated myself as their return chauffeur, otherwise I would be with them doing things I should not...

I am here with Taz and Cady, dog and cat-sitting, trying to keep them in separate rooms to avoid any hassles....

And I am blogging and chatting and stumbling on my couch with FireFox because, oh yay, KB has replaced my laptop screen, and with a much nicer one than the original....

I am in heaven....

Yes I am a computer nut (not nerd, because that would mean I actually know what I am doing)....

Thank you KB!!!!

Thanks to Meebo...

...I will have a better chance at winning the next time I play Trivial Pursuit with CareBear and friends...

I now know that the world's 14 deadliest snakes can all be found in Australia.

Hmmm, still worth being near all those hot guys and their sexy accents...

Hey mate?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

An Irish Blonde....

...from Cork, Ireland arrived at the local casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

What have we learned....
Not all Irish are drunks..
Not all blondes are dumb, but...
All men...are men

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Who needs Gel?

So I opened my favorite online news page a little bit ago and this was the headline:

Hmmm, where should I start...or maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead...
"Frustration is high among researchers and pharmaceutical companies anxious to bring relief to women with low sex drive."

I just bet the frustration among the women is probably a lot higher than yours, Mr. researcher.

The new product is a
"...testosterone gel, specifically dosed for women and post menopausal women, let me be clear about that, for women with low desire..."

What about those (not speaking personally here) with lots of desire, but maybe it just is not happening as often as we like...I mean, come on, if there is low desire, why bother - if ya don't want to, don't. But for the rest of us, bring it on...

Or bring him on; who needs a gel? I think (ok, I know) a hot guy would get me fact thinking about him has me wanting...take me out of the park, now!

Ok, I should have stopped long ago...but I didn't. Father, forgive me....