Friday, July 25, 2008

How Juvenile...:)

I thought (first mistake) that once my kids were old enough to drive themselves around, I would never again have to decide the winner of "Shotgun." How wrong I was. I am now one of the "players" and have learned that there really are rules...

The Shotgun Rules (version 1.1)

The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.

Section I
The Basic Rules

1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call.

2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.

3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.

4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

Section II
Special Cases

These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.

1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.

2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.

3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or date for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.

4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.

5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.

6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.

Section III
The Survival of the Fittest Rule

1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.

2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.

Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4.

The Office

At the Office we have 4 ongoing NPI (New Product Introduction) projects.
  • FNP1 is a mandatory upgrade to a previously released product.
  • FNP2 is a software release originally scheduled to release a few months after FNP1 and highly dependent on deliverables from another division of the company (FOD).
  • FNP3 is a new product based on FNP1 and FNP2 with a few other features integrated from FOD.
  • FNP4 is based on FNP1 and FNP2 with a few other features integrated from yet another division of the company (YAFD).
In the original project plans (FOPP) the FNP2 team was to deliver a scaled down version of FNP2 (FNP2A) to FNP1 in time for FNP1 release.

However, it is now getting close to the target release of FNP1 but FNP2A is not yet available because FOD is not delivering on commitments.

FNP1 release by target date is critical because current product (FCP1) that FNP1 is replacing includes obsolete and literally unavailable components ( forgot to account for that when designing FCP1.

FNP1 project team and FNP2 project team have different Project Managers (FPM) and different Functional Leads (FFL); however, all of the employees who do the actual work are on all of the teams and must go to all of the team meetings. The FPMs and FFM only attend the meetings for their specific project and could care less about the state of the other projects.

Oh, and did I mention that the FPMs are all relatively new to the company and industry while all of us workers understand the products and how they interact....

So in every project team meeting (so 8 x per week - one cross functional team meeting and one engineering team meeting for each project) we (workers) are expected to provide status in a format deemed acceptable by the FPM including risks and issues and how they affect our deliverables and impact the project target release date.

All I can say is that either I forgot to take my meds last night or I need a stronger prescription, because I explicitly told two of FPM teams today that they were our biggest risk...while most of the rest of the workers were in agreement, they took their meds last night and were able to keep their opinions to themselves (except for the wide-ass grin on their faces)....

Thanks for your support....

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

For all our guys who have trouble understanding us...

When we say:----->We Mean:

We need----->I want

It's your decision
----->The correct decision should be
obvious by now

Do what you want
----->You'll pay for this later

We need to talk
----->I need to complain

Sure...go ahead
----->I don't want you to.

I'm not upset
----->Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You' manly
----->You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight.
----->Is sex all
you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not
overreacting!----->I have PMS.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.----->I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient.----->I want a new house.

I want new curtains----->and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...

Hang the picture there
----->No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise
----->I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
----->I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?----->I did something today you're
really not going to like...

I'll be ready in a minute.
----->Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat
----->Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.
----->Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?
----->[Too late, your dead.]




I'm sorry.
----->You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
----->It's easy to fix, so you'd better
get get used to it.

I'm not yelling!
----->Yes I am yelling because I think this
is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing.----->Nothing.


----->My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.
----->It's just that you're such a jerk.

I don't want to talk about it.----->Go away, I'm stil building up
evidence against you.