Saturday, August 16, 2008
Does your Daddy love your Mommy enough to buy her a home server?
A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
Friday, August 15, 2008
- I was drunk.
- I fell off my segway.
- I was filling in on the Olympic beach volleyball team.
- I fell climbing a tree.
- I tripped over a curb.
- They dropped me when I was being passed around at the AC/DC concert.
- I knocked over a row of bikes when I parked mine at a biker bar.
- I was standing between Estelle and Vin.
- My wife likes it rough.
- Railroad tracks…
- I got a ride to work with Joe Kulesh.
- The Nigerian…what the f….my name is GARY, that’s G…
- Dom tried to have his with way my daughter…
- I joined Bally’s.
- I was practicing for my upcoming Spiderman role…
- I got old.
- I fell bungee jumping.
- I was showing the kids my breakdancing skills.
- I was trying out for the new jackass movie.
- I was trying out for a gig at Chippendale’s.
- OMG...let's spend the next three hours arguing the reasons why we should not have to provide a project phase deliverable which would take approximately 2 hours and 45 minutes to deliver..... gotta love this place...
- Yes, I do have a lil of the devil in me...but not just because I want to yell "Press 1 for English" after listening to the ramblings of the French project managers who talk English like they just got off the boat...
- GB: I just read that the guy between the GM & the CEO is leaving the company. Maybe an opportunity there for one of us?
Me: I will not fight you for it:)
GB: Wonder if they would consider a part time Exec Vice Pres.
Me: Yeah, we could share...
GB: Half of that salary I'm sure is still more than double either of ours.
Me: Ok. Let's go for it.
GB: Give me a few mins to blow the dust off my resume...
- After Friday night football, I have absolutely nothing planned for this weekend...a perfect weekend... The only thing might make it better if some hot guy came knocking at my door, wanting me to let him in so he could have his way with me..... Wait - that was suppose to stay inside my head....
wow...that was quick...thx office man...
What would make your weekend better?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
I keep getting caught staring at other girls. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. And I know this upsets my girlfriend. What's a guy to do? - Helpless in Peterville
Nothing "just happens." There was once a guy who accidentally stared at the sun so long he went blind. He said it "just happened." No it didn’t. He was a moron. Some people shoot their neighbor’s barking dog and say, "Your Honor, I’m so sorry, it just happened!" No! You loaded the gun, went carzy, and pulled the trigger screaming, "Die scumbag die!"So checking out the finer parts on other girls doesn’t "just happen." It is however, part of being a guy. As a guy, you MUST look at every woman. No matter how homely, no matter how young or old. And as you take a look, you make an instantaneous assessment. "No way!", "if she was just a little older", "hmm, get her on an exercise bike and give me a 6-pack", "only in the dark", and "hell yeah!"As a man, it is your nature, you do it instinctively.
But this does NOT EXCUSE your behavior. You must learn to control yourself. When you are with a girl, you must not attempt to discreetly cop a feel of every pair of fine female butt-muffins in view. You MUST at least TRY to give your girl enough respect that you don’t glare at another girl’s melons in her presence! It is a difficult task but not impossible.
Here are some suggestions….
Whenever a hot girl walks by, quickly think about something else, like "Why does my boss consistently pick at and eat his beard in public?”
Or just as two bouncy bubbles bounce by in a blue sweater, force yourself to sneeze – but not on her or her bubbles…
Or as a girl with legs up to her neck in a skirt barely past her luscious buns walks past, think…”Who is Lorena Bobbit?”
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Anyway, near the end of last year's football season, he experienced a season ending injury. Needless to say, it has not been a fun year in our house. Not only was football season over for him, but indoor soccer was out as well as spring track and summer football camps...
The last couple of weeks has been especially trying. After nearly passing his 3rd cybex test, he decided that he is ready, no matter what doctor believes, and so he agreed to waivers for his release back to sports. And this morning, after the paperwork finally made it to the coach (an ordeal in itself) his first order of business was hugs for the coach...
And I just got a call from a neighbor mom that he is on the field running his heart out, reading the plays, making the plays, catching the ball when he should and running and smiling....
Life should be good at our house for a while....he is happy and will be tired:)
And although it has been much more relaxing for me these past 10 months to watch his teammates playing and not worrying about my baby getting hurt, I have to admit that I do enjoy watching him on the field...because he loves it and is so happy. He works hard on and off the field and it shows at gametime.
And to my son, I promise that if you are tackled to the ground but get to your feet within 60 seconds and give me the ok sign, I will not run out onto the field and embarrass you; but if you are down for more than 60 seconds, all bets are off...
Run, GMan, run!
My daughter called in the middle of the show...
Hey Mom, what are you doing...
Oh, I was wond...wait...what? you're watching tv?...you? by yourself?...what are you watching?...
Ummm, some show, umm, I forget the name of it, 4 Geeks and a girl or something....
Oh, anyway...do you have a sewing machine I can borrow....
What? Me? Have I ever been domestic? Have you ever seen me use a sewing machine? I have a glue gun:).....
(Giggle) Yeah, I should have known better...I should have asked dad...I would have had a better chance...His Mom probably gave him one...
Monday, August 11, 2008
A little story that shows the essential differences between a man and a woman:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ......
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......"
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes
with your rocker.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking
to their diets.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while,
and it shrinks two sizes.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together
Last year at this time, I was nursing what I thought was a summer cold that had settled in my back...but I still intended to walk, until it started pouring so bad right before the star of the walk that I opted to sit it out in a dry area....
This year, I was again ready to walk....My daughter and her boyfriend were meeting me there. I was there waiting at the garage entrance to hand them their free parking pass...then I got the call...
"uh...Mom...we're on the side of the road, broke down, we ain't gonna make it...and could you come get us?"
The tow truck and I pulled up behind them together...what timing...we sent the incapacitated car on its way and we opted for the zoo....
What fun...especially for the lions, they were going at it - or at least he was, she was just kind of laying there looking bored....
All of the animals were pretty active since it was still early morning and rather cool and overcast. The little kids were almost as fun to watch as the animals.
"What are they doing, Daddy?"
"Look at the monkey - he's got something in his butt..."
But my favorite...there was a lady displaying tiger and leopard pelts. The cutest lil girl asked what they were. The lady replied that they were skins from animals that had died. The lil girl felt the pelts and said..."I hope my skin is that soft and pretty when I'm dead."
Now you would think that my daughter who is 21 has outgrown the stage where she wants to bring the animals home from the zoo....no way. She came home with all kinds of new ideas for pets...Luckily, she is not currently living with me...have fun Dad....by the way, aren't you taking her to the county fair this week....I heard her say something about a bunny and a goat...oh, that's why you're leaving town....you won't know the place when you get back...hope you're ok with a few more housemates than you had when you left...