I had breakfast with my Mom today and she was telling me about a friend of hers who has met a wonderful man who lives in Nigeria.
My Mom's friend is in her 80's and confined to a wheel chair, so she is pretty excited to have found a 50 something good looking Nigerian who wants to marry her and take care of her...
He has the rings...he cannot wait to give them to her, but first he needs some money to take care of a sick relative so said relative will be ok when he leaves for the US. $50K should cover it...
No problem. My Mom's friend had at least that much equity in her house so she has taken out a home equity loan and sent her savior the much needed $50K. He should be on his way soon...
Ah, but his sick relative suddenly had a turn for the worse. He cannot leave said relative in such dire straits. Another $50K will cover everything.
Will your bank let you borrow the money. I will repay you as soon as I get to the states. I love you so much. I cannot believe I have found such a wonderful woman to live the rest of my life with.
It took some doing, but the bank reluctantly allowed Mom's friend to borrow the money. Mom and the FBI tried to talk her friend out of this. They tried to tell her it was a scam.
You are all just jealous. John Kevin loves me and is going to take care of me. It is my money and I can do what I want with it. If you cannot be happy for me, I do not want anything more to do with you...unless you have $25K that I can borrow to help my lover come to the US...
John Kevin????? Could it be the same John Kevin who tried to get $1200 out of moi last year to get through Nigerian customs because he was dying to meet me??? Come on John...at least change your name as you move from scam to scam. So far you have been (1) a hot blonde god, (2) a tall, dark and handsome hunk, and now (3) a dredlock wearing not so hot Nigerian. And each time you have lost your wife in a terrible car accident...oh the tragedy of it all. But you and your son will survive - with a little help from the next love of your life...
$125K so far...omg...what a fool believes...
If there ever was a wrong reason to go to a wedding...
I take that back...this does not stack up anywhere near to Wedding Crashers, but in every day (not the movies) life, this is pretty good.
Count me in...
A Peyton PHlaCe co-worker employs an Amish cleaning lady (yeah said co-worker must make lots more than I do) - an OCD Amish cleaning lady, but that would make this post crazy long and I have other things I should be doing, so I'll leave that for some other day...Anyway, said co-worker received a wedding invite from her cleaning lady...- I am getting married next month. Alright...now you can get rid of that embarrassing last name "Lapp" and my husband can quit making jokes...
- I am marrying my neighbor, Amos Lapp. ...or come up with a whole new set of jokes...
- I would like you and your husband to be at my wedding. Oh lord, how can I politely say no; we will be soooo out of place; I do not own a bonnet....
- It is on a Tuesday. Awww, tuesday is a work day in non_amish country...damn...and I so wanted to be there...
- ...in the late evening.....wonder how late i have to work that Tuesday...
- ...at my parents home in Amishville. Ah...a small family wedding then - maybe we can handle this.
- We only invited about 650 people. Scratch that.
- They say to only expect half to show up...geez, only half of the county?...damn...and "they" being who????...the other half???
- We are putting tents up in case it rains... ya mean we won't all fit in your house???? how many outhouses are the men constructing???
- We have trained the goats to be gentle...gentle??? at what????
- So will you be there? ...Wouldn't miss it for the world...care if I bring a friend? a nun - she needs some fodder...I mean material...I mean she loves weddings...
...til proven innocent...that's my my new motto!My very very strict Catholic up bringing taught me to believe everything anyone told me...If there is any tongue in that kiss you are going straight to hell, young lady! (Can I have tongue in hell?)
Yeah, I've heard it all....- Honey, I want to try again...just let's not tell anyone, ok? ooookaaay - it will be our little secret that you are screwing me and my best friend and her mother...
- How about I live in the basement so I can be here when you need me. Sure hon...that way you can get what you need from whore bitch next door in our house so she can get away from her uptight husband and ...geez, do I look that much like a fucktard...don't answer that.
- She left me...with all the bills. But you like Bill...
- I'm not married..technically. Say what????
- I want to come see you but I lost my plane ticket. Flap your arms...
- I'm on the next bus. ...to god knows where.
- If only I wasn't stuck in customs...I would be there with you...Customize this, asshole!
- I feel something special between us...Keep it to yourself, buddy!
- I didn't write cuz I didn't know what to say. "Hello" would have been good for starters...
- It wasn't my fault...I swear to God...and on my mother's grave...You're right...it's all my fault...for being so difficult...I'm soooo sorry...
- I found myself at the bottom of a river but managed to get the cement shoes off ...Damn, good help is sooo hard to find...
- I will never ask you for money, ever! ...unless you really really really need it
- I will never hurt you, ever! That didn't hurt - much...I can grow a new heart.
- Expect something from me next week. Dear John, ...
- I'm on a mission from God...okay, I haven't quite heard that one yet, but any day now..
But Phillipia is turning over a new habit...From this day forward, every guy I meet will automatically be classified as "jerk" until proven otherwise....proven not promised...Yeah... it has only taken me 35 years to come to this realization. For the first 16 years of my life, the nuns kept the boys away from me. In their convent closet, but away...Where are the nuns when I need them????Hold on, I'll be right back - I just need to grab something from my closet...
Yeah, we got a new worker in the office this week...Our boss hired a paid intern because she does not count as a head - hmmm, somehow that does not make sense, but then I do get confused easily...But she does have one - a head that is, with a mouth...Yeah she's a talker...to herself..to anyone who will listen...Oh, sorry. Did not realize you had headphones on...but now that you don't...
Actually InternGirl seems pretty nice. It is probably just a case of new office jitters that makes her want to tell us in detail, step by step, what she is doing as she is doing it....Or maybe she read my ranting FML instant messages to her cubemate and figured she'd better keep communicating...
So I was updating my MySpace and FaceBook profiles yesterday...just because I was bored...
I must have been high when I published those profiles...
First all, I am supposedly in a relationship...wonder who he is...hope he's hot...
So I tried to change my marital display to not display at all, because who really cares? And why does it matter. Well, apparently WTF cares is not a choice once you choose to display something. Well, I am single and I am divorced...which shall it be? Let's go with divorced, if that does not work out for me I can always be single again....
And then I happened to notice my phone number....wonder if anyone has been calling that number...maybe I should call it just to see who is there...
How many times do I have to say it...there is no Phillipia here - you have the wrong fucking number...
My apologies...
So I have been watching a cat for a friend who moved and could not keep her. Stupid me...just for a couple weeks has been over three months now...
Ya think I would have learned...that's how I ended up with the last three cats I had....
I found her half dead in the cold...could you watch her till I find her a new home...
Like then 8-yr old CareBear was going to let me send her to a new home...
And then there was the male cat from hell...who only got along with G-Man - not sure why because he treated him like shit...oh yeah, guys like that don't they?
And then the black cat because my good friend Tequila Rose's Mama Cat had her umpteenth litter (whore) and I made the mistake of taking CareBear to see the cute lil newborn kitties....
CB: Please, Mom, please...and I know daddy wants one for his house...
Me: Sure he does...let's not even ask him first (ex's evil laugh)
Two, two cats to one lil girl...good day for TR...
So I was visiting Tequila Rose and Fire Marshall again the other night and thought it was a good chance for some payback. There was a group of us sitting around the bonfire - after the hot fire chief came and left because the fire was a little much for roasting weenies (he should have seen the weenies)...but I digress...
Me: So, TR, I was chatting with your little girl the other day and she wants a cat...
TR: Noooo, you must have misunderstood...she wants a pony...
Me: Hmmm...I have a pony...it is awesome, it is cat-size...and house-trained...
TR: I've seen your "pony"...keep it...momma cat is about to give us some ponies of our own...
Me: Whorecat still can?
FM: CareBear, don't you want a cat? (evil laugh)
CB: Yeah, but my BF's allergic...he almost died last time we visited Mom's; but I do love cats ...
BF: Yeah she does, we take the cat..I'd be gone
FM (to BF): Just take the cat - it does not have to make it all the way home...(evil, evil laugh)
BF: It is a really nice killer cat, and if I took it there is no way I could not take it home...because, well, I do not want to find out if CareBear loves that cat more than me...
So, I still have a cat...and keep asking myself why...why am I trying to give her away, that is...she is a nice, friendly cat...
- So friendly that she wants to lay across my keyboard while I try to work and or blog....
- So friendly that she no longer wants to settle for sleeping at the foot of the bed, but as close to my face as possible...
- So friendly that she leaves me more and more presents in the litter box...
- So friendly (with the neighbor cats) that she runs through my feet out the door everytime I open it...
FM: There ya go...problem solved..just pretend you do not see her next time she runs out the door ...
Me: I tried that with the last cat...a week later she ran back in when I wasn't looking...covered with fleas...damn...
Nothing has been working...I walk over 2 miles a day...I swim at Bally's at least three times a week...
But I am still gaining weight...If I were not so old, I would think I was prego; hey, if immaculate conception worked for Virgin Mary it could work for Mary Phillipia...
So, after a little research I am about to start a new routine....
I am going to Pole Dance my way to fitness...oh yeah...
Just think - I get to wear hot pants and stilettos (the recommended attire) while learning to climb the pole, swing on it, twirl around it, and make pleasure faces that say I want you in my pants....
Hot pants are a must so I can grip the pole with my bare legs. ..
Stilettos are required in order to master strutting my stuff...
The curriculum includes lessons on strip-tease and table dancing...
So not only will I get fit and have fun, I will have the skills for a new career if I get let go from my current position...
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