Doc said...

A good friend of mine emailed me a summary of a recent conversation she had with her new doctor. The email also included profuse apologies for her previous aggressive attempts to encourage me to change my lifestyle and eating habits "for my own good".

Friend: I've been doing a cardio workout 3x a week so I feel younger and live longer...

Doc (interrupting): Are you crazy? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Friend: The doctor I was seeing before told to me to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.

Doc: Then why are you here? Oh yes, he passed away didn't he. Think about this... What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Friend: I drink a glass of wine a night - maybe 5-6 nights a week; is that too much?

Doc: Not at all. If I were you, I would add a brandy and a beer or two to your daily intake. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Friend: I am worried about my body/fat ratio; is there a simple method for calculating that?

Doc: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Friend: I have pretty much stopped eating fried foods per my previous doctor's orders. But I am missing them. Are they really that bad for me??

Doc: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Friend: I have been faithfully doing sit-ups every night, but my belly seems to get bigger instead of smaller...

Doc: Duh! Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Friend: Is chocolate really that bad for me?

Doc: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Friend: Will swimming help my figure?

Doc: Sure - if you like the figure of a whale!!!

Remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body...

I say skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride."