Sunday, April 26, 2009

Beached...

When I was a petite child in the 1960's, bathing suits for the mature (fuller-figured) woman seemed a feat of engineering. They were built to hold in and uplift and they did a good job of it.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for prepubescent girls with figures carved from potato chips. And today, as a fuller figure (i.e., fat) woman shopping for a swim suit - I have limited choices. I can go to the maternity department and choose a floral suit with a skirt. But then I would probably spend most of the summer chasing off little kids asking me if I am one of the hippos from Fantasia....

Or, as is my usual plan of attack, I can wander around every department store on the planet trying to choose from a wide (not physically) range of florescent rubber bands.

So last week, wander I did. I made what I thought was a sensible choice and decided to try it on - which was a battle in itself. The stretchy material had an extraordinary tensile strength. It seemed like something NASA would have designed to launch small rockets from a slingshot.

Anyway, I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I realized that my boobs had disappeared! It took awhile, but I found one under my left armpit and the other flattened beside my seventh rib.

Without a bra cup to hold them in place, my boobs spread across my chest like a speed bump. It took a while, but I was finally able to realign my speed bump. Now for a look in the mirror...not a pretty picture. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play-do wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to fit (cram) in all those extra play-do lumps, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain. The look on her face told me I needed to try something different. So I spent the next hour or so trying....
  • There was a cream crinkled suit that made me look like a lump of masking tape.
  • And then a floral two piece which sort of made me look like an over-sized napkin in a serving ring.
  • I looked like Tarzan's Jane in the leopard skin suit that featured ragged frills.
  • The black lil number with a midriff gave me the appearance of a jellyfish in mourning.
  • There was a bright pink one-piece with French cut legs - so French cut that I would have to mow and trim the law and then bring out the wax...

But finally, I found a suit that fit...a modest two-piece deal with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly - made for me.... I bought two - just in case (of what I do not know).

When I got home, I needed to try it on again, because I was so excited to find something I would be comfortable wearing to the pool or the beach.

That's when I saw it....the tag...and I had a very bad feeling. I know to always read the tag before I buy anything. But I was so excited to find something that fit that I never even thought about the tag....Is it dry clean only?...Is it 100% Cotton Lycra that will shrink 50% after one washing? Oh no, nothing like that...
"Material might become transparent in water."

YIKES!!!!
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too....

6 comments:

Shawn said...

LOL...why would they make a bathing suit that might become transparent in water? That's like a prom dress that might become transparent under a disco ball.

Phillipia said...

That prom dress would be big trouble...

Scandalous Housewife said...

WTF?
Is it really a swimsuit?

Phillipia said...

Maybe I'd better check that tag again...

Winky Twinky said...

I'll be sure to take my camera along with me to the beaches this year... ;-D

Phillipia said...

Good Idea WT...I am sure there must hot guy swim trucks made out of that stuff, too:)