Better a few extra pounds...

So I took G-Man in for his sports physical last night.

As we are leaving the house together...

G-Man: Let's take separate cars, ok?

Me: Why??? You embarrassed to be seen with me?

G-Man: It's not that...I...uh...have plans afterward.

As I am driving there by myself I am thinking that I should have called and found out if I even needed to be there...I mean I paid up front and I signed all the forms....

But now I am there and look, so is half of the football team and their parents. Guess it is a good thing I showed so I would not once again be the bad mommy of the group. He's only 17 you know...

So as we leave and go our separate ways, I decide to hook up with a former neighbor to get some dinner.

As I am sitting there enjoying my terriyaki chicken sandwich with pineapple and onion rings and a tall Killian's Red, she is telling me about her latest predicament.

Her: I have been really eating healthy, Phillipia. I have been having toast or oatmeal for breakfast, tuna or grilled chicken for lunch and tomatos for dinner...

Me: Just tomatos?

Her: Well, with a lil olive oil and onion and basil.

Me: Just tuna?

Her: On a few crackers.

Me: I could not survive.

Her: Sure ya could. I have cut out beer and alcohol, too.

Me: Well that's gonna cut this evening short....

Her: I have lost 16 pounds since I last saw you.

Me: I can tell. You are looking good.

Her: Oh hell no I am not. Do not lie to me. Look at this skin hanging off my arms and under my chin. No one warned me about this...

Me: Okay, then...

Her: I'm telling you, this diet should come with a flab shrinker or something. Don't go on a diet, Phillippia, you look better with a few extra pounds than a lot of flabby skin.

No problem here...

A day late...

I hate it when people forward me bogus warnings without checking them out on snopes.com. I am sure I have probably done it a time or two myself - just to be on the safe side...but lately I have gotten a lot of them.

But this one I got today is real - I know - firsthand....

And it's important.

So please forward it to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your door saying they are with the health department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and insist that you take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air so they can check your body for ticks, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. And so does he...that'll teach him!

You're doing what????

I texted G-Man from my desk yesterday during a break in meetings....

Me: Hey, G-Man, what's happening?
G-Man: nm u
Me: Working. What time do you have to be at Mentor for football?
G-Man: 5:45
Me: You going by bus?
G-Man: Car.
Me: Want me to drive?
G-Man: No gtg ltr.

Well that did not satisfy the Mom in me , so I decided to use the phone for its god-given purpose and call him....

G-Man: Didn't we just have a text conversation?
Me: Hello to you too.
G-Man: Seriously, Mom. I'm busy. Can we talk later?
Me: Busy doing what?
G-Man: I gotta get a shower.
Me: Before football?
G-Man: I am going to the pool first...
Me: Okaaayyy...even less of a reason....
G-Man: I just got to, okay. I feel cruddy....
Me: .....
G-Man: There's a girl up there.
Me: So???
G-Man: I gotta go...see ya tonight...(Click)
Me: Thanks - I 'm having a good day, too.....

Anything to ease the pain....

In a recent study, it was shown that Swearing Makes pain More Tolerable...

I actually first heard about this study from my manager at fucking Peyton PHlaCE when she announced our department's new Leading to Win strategy.

This makes my fucking life so much easier to fucking handle...

I can now look forward to ...

... long-ass project meetings with bastard project managers and not having to keep all that anger pent up - hurting me inside. I can feel my ulcer healing already.

...to the next swearing match between G-Man and myself knowing that it is best to let the anger and hurt out....fuck all the damned cop-calling neighbors...and the ass-hole social services creeps. I have a word or two for them.

...to football games and dealing with blind M-F-ing refs and cheating big-ass opponents trying to hurt my baby. If they even try to throw my ass out, I'll just whip out the aforementioned study. That'll show 'em.

Swearing my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Think my Peyton PHlaCe activity monitor will pick up on that?

You're off the charts Phillipia - you should set your goal higher....

No fucking problem....

Mom, I need your $30 today....

Oh yeah...

Not sure why I promised to buy that lotion from G-man last week, except maybe I was feeling a lil sorry for him.

Not sure which coach thought this fundraiser was a good idea, but he had the entire football team selling Victoria Secret bath products. He insisted they make a list of 30 people who would want to support the football program and then sat them down in a room to make the calls.

Hi, this is G-man and ...
Hey, G-man, how's it going? Getting ready for football?
Yeah, about that....how would you like to help the team?
You guys having another car wash?
Uh, no. Someone called the police last year ....
You're kidding.... Some people ....
We're selling Victoria Secret this year.
Alright...what's ya got?
Shower Gel and Lotion...
What????
Five Scents to Choose From....
Hey - I gotta go...my kids wanna use the phone...the line is breaking up...the dog just ran out in the street...I have food on the stove...the house is on fire....

Rest in Peace, Momma Cat

I am feeling a little guilty...but just a little.

After all, it is not my fault that Michael Jackson met his maker before his time and helped me out in Pa Rock's dead pool.

And it really is not my fault that my Bay Buddy's cat decided to pick this week to use up her ninth life...

Even if just last weekend we were discussing the chances of that happening in the near future ...

And tho my Bay Buddy was thinking she should start looking for a mouser cat to help Momma cat in her domestic duties, she was not quite sure Momma was ready to share her space - even as I insisted that I had the perfect addition to her household.

Now mind you I did not rush Not Sweetie (aka, my unwanted cat who I offered to watch for 2 weeks - that was in February and it is still here) over to Bay Buddy's home immediately upon Momma's death.

I did offer condolences while gently reminded her that I had the perfect solution to her problem.

And I gave her the usual three days to mourn. I waited patiently until last night - after three full days had past.

Then I visited with a couple of presents - one in a carrier and one in a bottle. As we drank White Zin on her deck, I let Not Sweetie be her sweet entertaining self until Bay Buddy fell in love.

I was almost out of there when Not Sweetie showed her true not so sweet side and started hissing and teasing the resident house cat. Seem she does not play quite as well with others as I had Bay Buddy believing.

But I am sure it will all work out.

And if it doesn't, I am confident that Bay Buddy's better (or at least other) half has plenty of ways to handle the situation....

As for me, let me share what I have learned from this whole cat sitting experience...

I will never, ever again, offer to sit anyone's pet unless I am totally convinced that I would want to keep and care for said pet until the end of time in the off chance that the owner did not return for said pet...

It could happen....
....only to me...

Bay Memories

Last weekend a friend and I spent a couple of days relaxing at Put-in-Bay. As always, it is a good time.

On our last trip I learned that I do not want to buy drinks while waiting for the Jet Express to take us across the Lake. So this year...well, let's just say we left a trail of lemon slices from the ferry parking lot to the dock. Those lil bottles of Jose and white zin can sure kick start a vacation...

I have a couple of favorite bay stories...

Last year, I actually had the opportunity to make it up on stage with The Menus at the Beer Barrel Saloon. I did manage to bring home a tambourine from that night...not really sure if it was meant to be a souvenir from the band, but hey...they let me off the stage with it ...

Quite a few years back, I was camping at the bay during the annual Wasted on Wine Weekend. The itinerary for the weekend included (but not limited to) being Blitzed at the Barrel, Loaded at Lonz, Hammered at Heidemans and Crashed at the CampSite. After getting blitzed a few of us headed over to a house where some other friends were staying. One friend in particular was not back from blitzing yet. So we decided - since he was not there to host - we would find his bottle of Jose and help ourselves to a couple of shots (each). We put the bottle back where we found it and then rearranged his room a little. The next day, on the ferry to Lonz, we met up with the missing host. He was looking dazed and confused. Apparently he drank much more than he remembered the night before (he couldn't believe he only had a half bottle of Jose left) and woke up on the floor that morning since his bed was not where he left it and he could not find the light switch to look for it...

And while I was sharing these stories with a friend at work, she told me her own story. Apparently she met her husband at the bay.

Her: So how long are you here for?
Him: Just the weekend.
Her: Where are you staying?
Him: On a boat.
Her: Oh, awesome. A sailboat?
Him: No, a canoe. In my friend's grandma's garage. There were no rooms left on the island.

Peyton PHlaCe...My Office Inbox is full....

Geez, could it be because I am so popular? NOT!!!

Yesterday morning I received an email from someone in our lighting division. It was an empty email with just his business card attached.

And that is when the fun started....

Email...after email...after email...all day long...and into this morning....

Congratulations....you have sent this email to everyone in the world who works for Peyton...Now what do you want? (just to say hi...let everyone know I am here)

Why did you send this to me???? (why not???)

Please STOP replying to ALL - you are flooding my inbox.... (what - you don't like email???)

Will everyone QUIT replying to all.... (that goes for you, too, buddy)

If you must answer, quit replying to ALL!!! (I couldn't find the reply to SOME option)

Please take me out of this email list!!! (what - you don't want to work here no more???)

When you reply to all, you are flooding everyone in Peyton's inbox...(slowing down the system, am I?)

And of course, each of the senders above replied to all:)

But the best....

Dear originalsender@PeytonLighting.com, you forgot forgotten.someomeone@PeytonIS.com Please forward... (to ALL!!!)

I'm Back...

In case you noticed that I was gone...

I did not intend to be MIA for the last few days - I just got busy.

• Busy enjoying the Willoughby fireworks display Sunday evening.
• Busy having fun and relaxing with a friend at Put-in-Bay Sunday and Monday.
• Busy catching up on laundry and bills and my day job yesterday.
• Busy baking for an AHA bake sale and then meeting with Moms last night to plan football meals.

Lest you think I am related to SuperMom, let me tell you that my idea of baking is purchasing tubs of Philadelphia Brand Cheesecake Filling, mixing in some Nestle brand mini chocolate morsels, and spreading the mixture into Keebler Graham Cracker Pie crusts...easy and yummy:)


And the busy-ness is not going to stop any time soon....

• This morning I am up early to package the homemade desserts and do a load of laundry.
• Tonight I hope to swim for an hour after work and then head to Akron to see Dinosaur Rex play at the Getaway Pub. Hope to see CareBear and LDBoy there:)
• Tomorrow after work I am headed to Baldwin-Wallace College to watch G-Man play in a 7 on 7 football thingy...
• This weekend I need to catch up on the Rebel football web...the season is nearly upon us with camp days and planning and all the pre-season hype ...

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Of course if I was independent of all this debt I am in, I could have a much happier day...but I digress.

At least the overcast skies have been replaced with clear blue and sunshine today:) I am about to take advantage of that and head up to the pool in a bit. Exercise and vitamin D all in one - what could be better. And just maybe there will be some eye candy up there for me...

I am a goddess...

Really....

Actually, I may finally be getting to do something I like to do at work...something I am actually half-way decent at and that I can do knowing that someone else is not doing it at the same time and thus making my efforts a waste of time...

Since right after I started at Peyton PHlaCe, seven years now, I have been coordinating the translation of user documents and, more recently, the total product localization, including User Interface. This whole product localization concept is relatively new in the Peyton PHlaCe world.
And it costs a lot of money. And management does not want to spend lots of money for anything. Management wants more, faster, cheaper, and of the utmost quality - like the rest of the product....yeah....uh-huh...that's right.

Well, I do not do such a good job at that...apparently. And to tell you the truth, I am pretty tired of trying. I have found myself having a harder and harder time going into the office each day. You probably could never tell that by reading this blog, but it is true.

Anyway, that may change. I think I have actually, finally convinced my bosses (yeah, I have two) that I could do something else much better. Something else that no one else in the group likes to do, but that I actually enjoy. I am weird like that.

It seems there was a meeting today with everyone in our group except me (because I was not invited - not because I just decided not to show). After the meeting, throughout the day, several co-workers approached me and asked for help releasing their documents since I was now the department ECO goddess per our boss.

Hmmm, that's news to me, but I like it.

I will be printing business cards this weekend. As soon as I finish designing my goddess logo.

Roast this...

I get out of writing a post today...

My good friend and blogging buddy Winky Twinky has honored me with a roast on her blog.

So I am going to send you there, right now....

'Cuz it's good....I'm just Sayin'

So I'm done (pun intended) for the day:)

Thanks, Winky Twinky.

I owe ya:)

Peyton PHlaCe...Gotta love the open office

I think some guys at the office actually believe that we all want to hear all their conversations....

No matter what they are shouting about....

It makes ya wonder - do these guys even know how to whisper???

It is hard to imagine them having a bedroom conversation...

Their kids are surely scarred for life...

A lap is a lap is a lap...

Last evening was fairly productive compared to most of my evenings...

I meant to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but realized when I was in my drive that I missed the store...

So I needed to rethink my evening....

Since I was already home, I grabbed my swimsuit and headed to Bally's because it was too cool to swim in the complex pool.

I should have hit the grocery store first - for a couple of reasons.

I was getting hungry. And I tend to get testy when I am hungry - doesn't everyone???

Anyway, as I headed into the pool area I notice that 2 of the 3 lap lanes are open and there is a gentleman in the loafer's lane doing some arm work. So I instinctively head to an open lap lane. And I lap, not the speed laps or breast stroke laps, but a walk/jog/walk lap. Still a lap. And as usual, someone sporting a 6-pack and compression shorts (really compressed to show his package) suggests that I share the loafer lane so he can do his speed laps. OK, so what - your speed laps are more important than my laps. Or is your time more important than my time that you cannot wait your turn...Thanks to you, effer, I had to add a few more laps to work out my frustration at not having the guts to say that out loud...but someday....

After Bally's I ran a couple other errands before I headed to the grocery store. I went to the bank and deposited checks so my bill payments would not bounce, then I filled my car up with gas, and then I went grocery shopping.

By that time I was reallly hungry. Uh-oh. They had three tubs of cheesecake batter left - better get them all and graham cracker crusts to put that mix in - oh and mini chocolate chips to swirl in there just for added feel goodness. This is an awesome AHA bake sale idea - just as long as I do not crave it too bad before next week. otherwise, i will have to work from home that day because I will have nothing to bring to the bake sale...

I did get some bananas and celery and carrots at the store too. I was craving my fruits and veggies after grabbing that cheesecake batter.

I headed home to whip up some cheesecake and other goodies I had been hoarding. I figured if I made the cheesecake for me, I better make something G-man likes - like chocolate pudding pie:) I figured I had a good two hours before he got home from work expecting the shrimp and pierogi dinner I had promised him - WRONG!!! His car was in the drive and he was anxiously waiting at the table for a rare home-cooked meal.

But I did not let that deter me...I told him it would be awhile because I was not expecting him so early. I had him invite Amy over and go pick her up. That gave me time (cuz Amy is pretty damn slow at getting ready to go anywhere - God love her) to make cheesecake, 7-layer bars, and chocolate pudding pie, shell and cook the shrimp, saute the pierogis and get dinner on the table. Yay me!

That is pretty much my home-cooking for the month. Everything else in Mother Phillipia's cupboards are self-serve:)

After dinner I took a few hours to blog, chat on facebook, send some emails, and update the football web...

An open letter to Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags...

Dear Hefty® SteelSak® Trash Bags,

I cannot thank you enough.

You are my bag of choice for taking out the trash.

You do not leak; you do not rip.

You have saved my sanity...more than once.

Phillipia

An Open Letter to Tide...

Dear Tide:

Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!

You are a truly awesome product.

I have used you all my life...my mom swore by you, and now I do, too.

In fact, I like you more as I age. Believe it ot not, I am in my fifties (note to self - write to Dove soon).

About a month ago, one of my ass-hole exes dropped by to pick up some of his stuff. While he was here, I happened to spill some of the red wine I was drinking on my new white blouse. He started to insinuate that I may have a drinking problem and suggested I get some help.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse, too! I grabbed a bottle of you (with your bleach alternative) and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the nice (hot) detective who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. A few minutes after the detective left, I got a call from my attorney. He informed me that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my ex.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without having to deal with that shit. My exes are always disappearing. I think this one may be gone for good.

Thank you, once again, for being so awesome at what you do.

Phillipia

Secret affairs?

It is Sunday and time to read my weekly horoscope and see what the stars have in store for me this week...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning June 27, 2009

Secret affairs may be tempting. Hell, any affair would be tempting right now...

You will be ready to jump on anyone who gets in the way of your progress this week. I am ready to jump on anyone...

Plan to get out and do a bit of travel. Key word there is "plan" - but otherwise, right on target...PIB, here I come.

Property investments, insurance, tax rebates, or inheritance should bring you financial gains. Well, unless my condo is going to go up in value drastically or someone or something destroys it or my car this may be off base...because anyone who I know has absolutely nothing to leave me in the wake of their untimely demise...

Your lucky day this week will be Monday. Wow, a reason to look forward to a Monday:)

May we have your attention please....

I had just settled into my workday - finally got my computer booted up and was enjoying my second cup of coffee....

Atten !!!! Atten...sion!!

Yesssss????

May we have your ....
This is a safety announcement.....

Yeeeeessss???? So are we suppose to leave the building or what? Is it safer inside or out? C'mon man - we obviously should be doing something besides sitting here waiting for you to spit it out...

...water main break...boil alert...do not drink the water...do not use the tap water for coffee...

It was a SSCOON* moment througout the office.
And then from a someone who obviously had not had enough coffee yet...

What about the water in the toilets?

What about it? You don't usually drink that do you?

*simultaneously shooting coffee out our noses

A sad week in Hollywood...

...unless you are participating in Pa Rock's Dead Pool!!!

Earlier this week it was Ed McMahon of Tonight Show and Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Fame. Damn, I guess I will never get my money now.

Then there was Farrah Fawcett. I am sorry I wished you dead when my ex could not take his eyes off of you long enough to ...oh nevermind...it all seems so trivial now....

But Michael Jackson, thank you, for getting me into the 6-way tie in Pa Rock's Dead Pool.

Seriously, I did not wish the demise of any of these celebrities. My sympathies to their families and friends. To MJ's alleged victims, I hope this brings you some peace.

R.I.P.

Now who else is on my list???? ....just kidding....

Eye of the Tiger...

I like to check out Julia's blog over at Homemade Hilarity every once in awhile.

Not only does it give me a good laugh, it reminds me of some of my forays into domestication...

When G-Man was in grade school, he had to select a craft kit that involved stuffing and sewing a stuffed animal. I never did understand the point of such assignments because you just know it is going to fall on the Moms (or Dads in the case of the 'build a bridge' assignment).

And G-man, being the kid he is, could not select a simple kit. He comes home with an 11-inch Bengal tiger kit.

Me: OMG, G-Man, are you trying to embarrass me???? You know I do not sew.

G-Man: I'll do it; it is my homework.

Me: Like that ever stopped me .

So we compromised and worked together on this thing. I say thing, because it did not look like a tiger when we were done - or not like a healthy tiger, anyway.

It's nose was pretty close to its right eye which was a lot farther from its left eye than it should have been.

One of the ears was twisted inside of itself...permanently.

We sent it to school as the Facially Challenged Lost Bengal of the Jungle. Teach was not impressed; but I did get a C+ for effort.

And being the supportive mom that I am, that tiger rode in the back window of my car until G-Man was a Sophomore in High School.

One of the little neighbor girls who loves G-Man always let me know how much she loved my tiger and came out and blatantly asked for it on several occasion.

Nooooo - G-Man made me that.....

I finally threw it in the trunk one day when I pulled into the school parking lot and realized the visiting football team was the Bengals. A Bengal Rebel would not have gone over too well:(