Doc said...

A good friend of mine emailed me a summary of a recent conversation she had with her new doctor. The email also included profuse apologies for her previous aggressive attempts to encourage me to change my lifestyle and eating habits "for my own good".

Friend: I've been doing a cardio workout 3x a week so I feel younger and live longer...

Doc (interrupting): Are you crazy? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Friend: The doctor I was seeing before told to me to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.

Doc: Then why are you here? Oh yes, he passed away didn't he. Think about this... What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Friend: I drink a glass of wine a night - maybe 5-6 nights a week; is that too much?

Doc: Not at all. If I were you, I would add a brandy and a beer or two to your daily intake. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Friend: I am worried about my body/fat ratio; is there a simple method for calculating that?

Doc: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Friend: I have pretty much stopped eating fried foods per my previous doctor's orders. But I am missing them. Are they really that bad for me??

Doc: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Friend: I have been faithfully doing sit-ups every night, but my belly seems to get bigger instead of smaller...

Doc: Duh! Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Friend: Is chocolate really that bad for me?

Doc: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Friend: Will swimming help my figure?

Doc: Sure - if you like the figure of a whale!!!

Remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body...

I say skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride."

Happy Birthday, Friend

So, I made a new friend this year, I think...

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is my friend and who I just wish was my friend...

But anyway, Happy 48th Birthday, Friend.

I was reading a little about Mat 22nd Geminis and this friend sorta fit the bill:

Geminis born May 22 have great charisma and the ability to draw attention to themselves. They may be lofty and intellectual one day, earthy and intense another. They have a spiritual side they seldom reveal to others. For this reason they usually keep personal beliefs to themselves. What do you believe in, anyway?



May 22 individuals are generally seen as leaders by others, though they may not see themselves in this role. Members of their inner circle are very much in awe of them. Love can be a complicated thing for them. No, really?

They may be unwilling to see the problems and failings of a beloved individual. Ok, this is not you - you seem to see where I fail better than I do.

May 22 natives believe in the traditional family values. This is especially true if they weren't involved in a close family unit as children. They take an active interest in the lives of their children. They are strict disciplinarians, yet fair. They are likely to impress upon their youngsters the importance of honesty and integrity. Ummmm...ok...:)

These folks are naturally healthy and work very hard to keep themselves in top physical condition. They like plain food, cooked simply. They require a lot of protein in their diet, and water should be their beverage of choice. Ok, unless Jim Beam is the new water...

The written and spoken word has great meaning for May 22 natives. Though intelligent, they don't flaunt their knowledge. They are also generous to their friends and family. I really do want to be your friend:)

Things May 22nd Geminis should embrace: A healing spirit, perfection, balance. Ok, my lack of balance, especially after a few shots, could be a good reason for you to avoid my friendship...

Things May 22nd Geminis should avoid: Being quarrelsome, self-interest, obsession. Geez - just what I needed...to give you a few more reasons...

Just Ignore this post and have a happy birthday without me...I do hope the next 12 months are better for you than the last...

Honestly...

So I just got home a little bit ago...it has been a long day.

I went into work a little later than usual - since I have been working later I might as well start later...hopefully I will not shift my schedule so much that I am on LDBoy's schedule...but I digress...

Anyway, I worked til about 6:15, then stopped by my Dad's and wished him a happy birthday. He started telling me about the good old days and then started telling me again...I am getting a lil worried about him...but he still knows who I am and how many kids I have and some other details I wish he would forget...

Then I stopped at Wal-Mart to return the vacuum that didn't suck the way it should (per a previous post) and picked up a few flowers for my deck and flower bed area. Totally unlike me - not sure what I was thinking...I hope the domestication shit lasts until I get them planted...

I started sweating profusely while carrying the flowers to the deck...I honestly could not tell if I was over doing it (I am outta shape) or having another mid-life hot flash. Either way, I should have lost a few pounds...

So now it is time to sit down, relax, and have a nice cold Molson...

Answer honestly...
Would you prefer....
To be an Old West Outlaw
- or -
A1920s mobster?

Duh...neither...but who would I want to date given the choice...

I am definitely an old west outlaw type of girl...a cowboy hat and boots and jeans and a little dirt Clint Eastwood kind of outlaw...oh yeah...gets me all hot and bothered thinking about him...

None of that suit and tie shit 1920s mob guy for me...

Honestly...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad’s birthday…
Which got me to thinking…I know an awful lot of people with birthdays around this time of year…

Several friends… May 18^th, 22^nd, 30^th, June 2^nd…

My Dad today…

My brother on the 23^rd…

My late grandpa on the 24^th…

My Mom on June 1^st…


Hmmm…brings to mind one of my favorite Neil Diamond tunes…Hot August Night

I am good luck:)

So once again I am a winner...well, G-Man was the real winner.

Monday night, his Dad and I escorted him to a local radio station's awards dinner for earning Player of the Game in Week 8 of last fall's regular football season.

It was an enjoyable evening. The award presenter is well-known in the area for promoting local athletes and has been a friend of G-Man's since 5th grade basketball....

G-Man and 45 other area football/basketball players got (yet another) plaque and some attention from local coaches and parents.

G-Man's dinner was complimentary. Dad and I paid $12 each. Dinner included a door prize raffle ticket...

Of the three of us, whose number was pulled first? ...yeah, that's right....#196 belonging to Phillipia. Not only was my prize first of the three of us - it was one of the first 5 of the night to be pulled...

So come on up and get a prize from the table...

I'll take that blue tooth headset there worth almost $2o - that will pay for my dinner and make G-Man pretty happy with me too:)

...because by the time his Dad's number and his got pulled there was not much left to choose from; but dad did walk away with a Notre Dame College (as opposed to university of) T-shirt and a rather nice, warm winter shirt (made in Russia warm) with a certificate for free embroidery.

Yes, the made in Russia shirt was valued at much more than the Blue Tooth headset, but value is in the eye of the beholder - and G-man was not eyeing that shirt. Phillipia wins the heroine to her favorite youngest child award.

That is favorite youngest as opposed to favorite and youngest; just needed to clear that up in the event that LDBoy or CareBear happened upon this post...

Misbehavin?

Last night I was trying to renew a couple of library books online (since I have been reading more blogs than books lately). Twice I tried to open the library home page and this is what I got in return:

CGI Error
The specified CGI application misbehaved by not returning a complete set of HTTP headers.

Shame on you CGI application - start returning headers....completely...in sets - whatever the hell that means.

Now my books are overdue and I cannot renew them online because the CGI was misbehavin'...guess I will just have to renew Humor Bloggers for Idiots in person. Damn.

The pressure's on...

Got to be funny...or I will get kicked out of the first club to let me in since 5th grade....

Please don't make me leave HBDC...I will be funny. I promise.

Just not right now, 'cuz I seem to have funny block.

Sometimes when life sucks, it is hard to be funny.

Does funny-looking count???? ...'cuz that I am!

Hey quit eating my hat - that's all I got.

One more all-nighter...

Friday night was busy...

Let's back up a little....Thursday night, I was browsing and came across Mental Poo which kept me entertained for most of the night and into the wee hours of the morning. So much so that by the time I finally quit reading/lol I had less than two hours before it was time to get up and get ready for the office. Needless to say, G-man did not get the courtesy of Mom's breakfast Friday morning and went to school hungry and crabby....thank you moog...

Friday at the office I did my best to stay awake, look alive and act like I gave a rat's ass about what I was doing....The two jet fuel pills I took before I headed out helped a tiny bit with that endeavor.

Friday evening I had plans to meet a new friend and talk about a vested interest - trading services for services. Get your mind out of the gutter; we were talking professional services. But the half hour conversation lasted about 2 and a half hours.

Then it was time to get ready for the after-prom I had volunteered for, so I hopped in the shower, popped a couple more jet-fuel pills and off I went.

I love working after-prom, seeing all the kids having fun and visiting with other parents. I had so much fun that I did not have a problem staying awake...

Til I got back home...at 4:30 am...

I walked in the door, noticed a couple of bodies in the living room, mumbled hello, and headed up to bed.... and that was all she wrote....till about noon...

....when I stumbled down the stairs to see who was in my living room...it was just a couple of G-man's friends - damn.

But I grabbed my favorite place on the couch and tried to act like a nice Mom for a bit - until I nodded off mid-conversation. Actually, it was pretty much mid-sentence...

I woke several times during the next few hours ...or they woke me...

Mom, wake up, you're snoring...really loud...

Damn cold...I kept promising to go back up to bed, but nodded back off before I got the words out of my mouth...

When they couldn't take it any more, they left - to their own homes and not-so-annoying families. G-man headed for work.

I kept sleeping...or trying to. I actually woke myself up a couple of times...took me a bit to realize what god-awful sound woke me, but yeah, it was me...

About 8:30 PM, I woke one more time...to the phone...G-man calling from work, telling me he is going out with some friends and asking if I will give him a ride home if he stays out past curfew...

We are just going to hang out and play halo and you slept all day anyway...so if I need a ride at 4:00 am, will you come and get me so i do not get arrested for breaking curfew?

Sure, G-man. One more all nighter will not kill me...anything for you...well not anything...no, I will not do that...don't even go there...you've been warned...

It sucks...not

So I was at Walmart the other day and feeling like my life sucked...when I happened past the vacuum aisle....

Just the thing to buy so my life could suck a little more...

I spent some time comparing models. According to the specs, none of them were self-sucking, so I just chose one that I thought would suck the best...on the stairs, on the ceiling, on the carpet, on the hard wood floors, and on the linoleum...

I ended up bringing home THE BOSS. But before I opened the box, I decided to check the reviews on-line...yeah, I do things backwards at times.

According to the online review(s) (they all said the same thing) THE BOSS is not all it is cracked up to be....though built to suck, it doesn't. At least not very well...

So that sucker is going back....

A blast from the past...

So as I am shutting down my computer to go into what I knew would be a boring meeting, I got an instant message from LDBoy...it was just a link.....

http://www.cleveland.com/insideout/index.ssf/2009/05/glass_house_in_bath_township_r.html


Yeah, remember the post I wrote a short time ago about LDBoy's glass house era. That's the house.

No he was not the one who broke the windows and punched holes in the wall - that was his roomate. The one he is rooming with in the stone house now...stone...it does not give...

But glass house man is doing much better - he is taking his meds and they seem to be working. He is back to his fun, mellow self - the nice kid who LDBoy has known since he was in kindergarten.

And for the sake of accuracy, he drove two cars into that river...not one. It was spur of the moment research...twice.

And those were not water bottles he piled in the first floor office, they were Propel bottles. G-man remembers first hand.

It was harmless fun, Mom...like an adult ball pit...better than at Chuckie Cheese, tho - no little kids screaming and peeing and....

G-man used to visit and play video games with his friends in one of the upstairs rooms; they used a projector and made the screen the size of the wall.

CareBear used to get lost in the house....

"talk to me so I can follow your voice..."

I had a Mom's room all picked out...damn, so close!

Monday Morning at the office...

Each Monday morning at Peyton PHlace, the office rabble centers around the weekend. And this Monday was no exception. Some tidbits I overheard...

"Did you enjoy Mother's Day?"

"I guess...I mean I spent three hours at my Mom's, four hours at his Mom's and the rest of the day trying to scramble to do the things I usually do on Sundays, like laundry and bills and lunches and get the kids ready for next week..."

"What did you do for your Mom?"

"I moved far away years ago so she has no holiday expectations from me....

"The nursing home she is in does not allow visitors...really..."

"What did you do for your wife? "

"She's not my Mom!" (let's not go their again)

"I gave her a really nice card and I wrote 'Without you I would be a Dad.' I spent the rest of the day hearing her give the kids stupid lessons on how leaving one word out ..." (hmm, wonder what she'll get next year)

"I gave her an AK-47, because home security is the best gift of all!"

"Did you have a nice weekend?"

"Yes I did, thanks for asking....My weekend started with a meeting of a couple of neighborhood Moms to plan for some upcoming school events. We of course invited Mike...as he is hard, cold, and refreshing, and the only guy we let come in our mouths. Hey, where ya going...don't ya want to hear about the rest of my weekend?"

Happy Mother's Day

This is my 300th blog post as Phillipia (that is, if you forget about the ones I deleted because I was ranting about mothers who subsequently threatened to tell my naughtiest secrets ) and I have decided to celebrate by dedicating it to mother's everywhere....

Yeah, not Moms, but mothers - mother fuckers to be more exact....

100 MFers on the wall,
100 MFers on the wall
Kick one until you make him fall...
99 MFs on the wall....

To all you MFers who...

• would not consider buying your wife a card yesterday because "she is not MY MOM"...
• who give your "GF" excuse after excuse for not doing what she asks until she finally says goodbye and you act hurt and surprised when all along it was what you were trying for but were too much of a pussy to just end it honestly...
• stay out of touch for weeks at a time and then do not understand why we are not just so thrilled to see you cuz you know you are god's gift to us...
• just want to meet in the parking lot and "if we hit it off we will get a room, sweetheart"...who needs dinner...
• just do not know how to say "I do not want to even be friends, bitch" but just decide to never answer our emails or messages again...get the hint, woman...
• forget to tell us about the wife at home with 6 kids that you gave the ungrateful whore....

OK...I'm done...last week was a rough week and everything from the past just came bounding back and the above needed to be said....for my mental health...

Well, it probably did not need to be said, but I said it anyway, because that is the way I am...just ask those Rebel Moms...but that's a story for another time...

Anything you want to add...be my guest...

Happy Moms' Day!

Yes, Moms because there are a lot of moms out there and not Mothers' because...well, even guys can be mothers of a sort and we are not celebrating that...at least not today:)

For me, Mom's day is a chance to reflect on how blessed I am to have three wonderful kids...

And to chuckle at some of the things they are probably thinking today.....

LDBoy....

CareBear....

G-Man....

and each of them in their own little world....(There is no significance to there being a girl on that card.)

And hopefully no one I know is thinking this today...
Thanks to all three of you for allowing me to feel so blessed on this Mom's Day:)

I think I am infected...

I have all the early signs of influenza A (H1N1 - aka Swine flu) :

• Fever - more like hot flashes, but still....
  
  
• Cough - especially right before I get that first cigarette of the day in...
  
  
• Headache - especially after I have been staring at the screen for three hours browsing and blogging...
  
  
• Muscle pain - okay, so maybe I overdid it just a little at Bally's last night...
  
  
• Joint pain - not because I stubbed my toe and started to fall up (yes, up) the stairs but caught myself with my already tendonitis-inflamed arm...
  
  
• Sore throat - not from getting caught in the pouring rain the other night while cheering on the the 4x8 relay team...
  
  
• Morning congestion and runny nose - not from sleeping with my windows open at night...
  
  
• Vomiting/diarrhea - after only a little bit of partying last night...

I think I should quarantine myself for a few weeks - for the good of the community...

Happy Birthday to Winky Twinky!!

There is a funny story behind how I came to know our friend Winky Twinky....

We met by way of a fellow blogging buddy...

Only it was not his intent that we ever knew about each other...

Funny how ya meet a guy and ya think he is everything and then ya realize what an effin jerk he is and then you meet a girl who met the same guy and came to the same realization...

And you start sharing stories and rotflyfao (yeah, that's roll on the floor, laugh your fuckin' ass off ).

And a friendship is born...so that is why he came into my life...it was soooo worth it:)

Thank you Winky Twinky for being such a good friend. May you have a wonderful 39th birthday.

It is almost summer and time to get together for those Margaritas and share stories in person:)

Hey, it's poetry Wednesday - what have ya got?

I like this plan....

...especially since I qualify:)

The St. Petersburg Times Newspaper recently asked readers for their ideas on how to fix the economy. My favorite suggestion was nicknamed the The Patriotic Retirement Plan. In summary:

No more money to companies that have squander past bailouts on lavish parties and unearned bonuses...

Instead, pay $1 million dollars severance for early retirement to each of the 40 million people over the age of 50 who are currently in the work force. (Hey, that's me!)

Upon acceptance of the money:

• They MUST retire. (NO problem there!) With an instant 40 million job openings, unemployment will no longer be a problem.
  
  
• They MUST buy a new American car. (NO problem there - well, I sort of wanted a Honda next time, but I hear they are made in America now.) With 40 million cars ordered, the auto industry should bounce back..
  
  
• They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage. (NO problem there, who would not want to get rid of that debt?) This should bring a swift end to the housing crisis.

Where do I sign up?

An alternative to blogging...

I was blogging away last week, except I was not being funny and I did not post them here...

Actually, they were emails, and they were rants...PMSing rants of a Mom and parent....

They were so PMSing that I wrote an apology...

Three hours later...

So yesterday late afternoon, I am instant messaging with my boss who works in San Jose, trying to answer question after question after question, while talking on the phone with a football parent about plans that need to be made, when I get a text message from G-Man...

Hey, I broke my nose last night, but don't worry, I fixed it...
But Coach says I have to go get it checked anyway so I can breathe when I run...

Say what???? You looked fine to me last night...

Yeah, so when you get home we need to run up to the med center...

So we did...and three hours after we got there, the doc looked at the x-ray on his computer screen and said...

Son, you broke your nose (see that line on the x-ray?), and you put it back just the way it should be. Good job. Now go home, stay there, put some ice on it to get the swelling down, take some motrin, get a good night's sleep and don't call me in the mornin, 'cuz there's nothing more I can do.

Whatever...

The Life (so far) and Adventures of...

After yesterday's post, I decided now might be a good time to blog a little about the life and adventures of LDBoy.

A side note....the pictures I posted from the Disney party were taken before the party got underway; at least that is the impression I got after viewing the video collage posted on YouTube

I am going to skip the early years because I believe that LDBoy's childhood creativity was stifled by having at least one of his parents holding the reigns..except maybe for the beer found in his locker in 8th grade; the New Year's Eve he left home to go to the store and just kept going to a much more exciting party; the F in Computer Information class in 11th grade because he was bored and decided to hack into the school computer instead of doing the assigned work...

Let's start about the time he dropped out of college and broke up with the then love of his life...

I think of this as the metal house era...you heard right - all metal (roof, siding, inside walls). LDBoy was renting one of a few metal houses built in the early 60's in CFO. It was on the corner of Grove and Hudson Drive, the one with the huge trampoline (for tanning and thinking and sleeping and kickboxing tournaments) in the front yard. All-in-all, living in a metal house was an adventure, especially during a thunder or rainstorm. Did ya ever try to sleep with rain beating down on a metal roof? But LDBoy never did sleep much. He was too busy working at starting his own web development business. It was during this metal house era that his business became successful enough that he could give up his pizza delivery job to work for himself... and he has never gone back.

Then there was what I call the glass house era. One of LDBoy's partners, and friend since kindergarten, lived in a huge house in Bath. He had purchased this house with funds he had earned as a young entrepreneur in high school. The house had lots and lots of windows - more windows than vinyl siding. And behind those windows was...the inside of the house. I got lost in there a couple of times trying to find my way to and from one of the bathrooms...not good. The outside featured a stream running through the front yard that often doubled as a garage or an office - depending on the weather, of course.

Two bachelors living in a glass mansion...not for too long tho, because, well, a couple of parties got a little out of hand and one thing led to another and lets just move on...

...to the lake house era. LDBoy had a business partner in North Carolina and another in New Jersey. North Carolina man used to visit Ohio and New Jersey quite often. Well, he decided to convince New Jersey Man and LDBoy to make the move to North Carolina. He found them a house to rent and off they went. The house was beautiful, with a dock right on Lake Norman (no boat, but a dock). There was a wooden stair case leading from the upper deck (off the sunroom) through the back yard to the dock - with built in benches and a grill area half way down.

The house was awesome inside as well...6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a huge kitchen and living/dining room. The finished basement included a game room, wet bar, built in 60-inch tv, walk out patio. Two bachelors living in a lake house mansion... I loved to visit. It was so quiet and peaceful.

But it had its downfalls. North Carolina man forgot to mention that the development was built as a retirement community - for NASCAR racers and Pro golfers and an assortment of old people...with money...who did not appreciate loud parties and 15 cars in the driveway and who definitely did not want their college-age daughters who were home for the summer to get anywhere near the new kids on the block...

So after a year, back to Ohio it was. And the nightlife of Akron...and what was soon to become the stone/marble house era. Glass House Man, LDBoy, and yet another partner are currently renting a Stone House in West Akron. Stone on the outside that is - including two stone lions guarding the front entrance. And an enclave at the front entrance that must have been the home of a statue the Blessed Virgin Mary or Blessed (non-Virgin) Mary Phillipia ...I see a a Photo Joe moment in my future...

A previous owner redid the inside of the house. He left the upstairs bedrooms, servants' quarters, office, and attic alone. He also did not do too much to the first floor living room/dining room/kitchen and wine tasting area. However, the basement was completely redone, with lots and lots of marble. There is a game room with a pool table and lounging bed; a jacuzzi room with 2 lion head sprayers and a waterfall and a lounging bed. There is an 8 person shower room....8 shower heads - I counted. The three car garage is no longer a garage - it has been connected to the (previously) walkout area of the basement and completely transformed into a ballroom with a lounging area of course and a wall of mirrors and a industrial sized kitchen/bar area.

And this is where the Disney costume part took place which brought to light a few issues. This is a neighborhood of old people with old money. Many of their granddaughters attend the all-girls Catholic high school less than two blocks away. The three playboy bachelors have been warned that their activity will be monitored - 24/7 by video cameras installed in the neighbor's yards at aimed at their driveway all the time. All suspicious action will be reported to the Akron police.

Yes, the police visited the party several times just to let them know the neighbors had complained.

"But it's a Disney party - and the neighbors were invited, ocifer."
"Yeah, we know...Just tone it down a little - it is 3AM and these people have to get up for church in a few hours."

Which brings up yet another issue. There is plenty of parking across the street at the church - for overnight house/party guests and early morning God-fearing churchgoers. But churchgoers must have a special sticker on their car or something, because at 6:00 AM St. Holier than Thou Pastor comes to visit the newest members of the non-churchgoing (except for parking) community.

"I just want to show you the flyer I placed on your guest's cars. I hope they will all be in church this morning, because I will be upset if I find out they were using Church property as a parking lot while they participated in activities the Lord would not approve of..."

"Hey, everyone, get your costumes back on, we're going to church!"

Share the Magic of Disney...

My oldest son, LDBoy, is enjoying life...a lot. He is still single and not currently in a serious relationship (at least that I know about), so why not? Now is the time to have fun. I promise to blog about some of his adventures in a future post, but for today I just wanted to post a couple of pictures from his 26th birthday party last weekend. I must say his friends know how to throw a party. Of course, he helped a lot, too. He chose the theme - a Disney costume party. There was a professional photographer friend of his there who takes awesome pics. I have met Photo Joe before at CareBear's 21st birthday (which LDBoy also planned, by the way). Photo Joe set up a green screen - I do not quite understand how it works, but here is a pic of LDBoy after he removed the greenscreen and replaced it with a different background...

And here is a pic Photo Joe sent me that he calls Happy Family...Thanks, Photo Joe!

...and yeah, Pinnochio was there, too:)