That's not why....

I have heard from some reliable sources that one of the side effects of a fabulous sex life is writer's block.

I do not have writer's block! I do not have a fabulous sex life either, but I will try to keep this family friendly...

I have not been a steady blogger the last couple of weeks because I have been working a lot of hours at my day job which has seemed to turn into a 12-hour a day job.

If I was a fabulous blogger, I could probably give up my day job...but I'm not...

But thank you Theresa from An Officer and a Garbage Can - now that's a fabulous blog - for giving me your vote of confidence.

You simply must visit Theresa's blog. We have so much in common. Everyone on her favorite author list is a fav of mine. She loves football; I love football. I could go on, but I think you should go discover her for yourself. But before you leave, check out this award she handed me...

As we all know, there is no such thing as a free award - ya gotta work for it. For this fabulous award, I must reveal 5 of my obsessions and then share with you 5 of my favorite bloggers - in that order I assume. Because if I shared my favorite bloggers first you might leave without reading my obsessions - which might not be a bad thing:)

5 of my obsessions (excluding the X-rated ones):

• My 3 kids - They are the sunshine of my life. They are each unique and fabulous in their own way. I would do anything for them - almost. I do not lie, cheat, or steal very well, but they know that and do not bother to ask anymore.

• Reading - I love a book over anything on tv - anytime. And when I find an author I think I might like, I start with their first book and read them in order. I will read two or three or more books a week when I get on a roll. And when I find a blogger I like, I try to go to the beginning of their blog and read it forward.

• Honesty/Fidelity - I cannot lie; I cannot fib. But I am so gullible; I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I figure out that I shouldn't. Once I find out someone is lying to me, it takes a lot to get me trusting them again. And I DO NOT like cheaters. And not just those who cheat on me....:)

• Chocolate - chocolate anything...enough said, before I start scrounging through the cupboards and fridge looking for some.

• Pull through parking spots - I have to put this here because my kids laugh at me for this. I will drive around a parking lot looking for a pull through spot so I do not have to back out when I am ready to leave. Because if I have to back out, I will most likely be between two oversized vehicles that I cannot see around and will have to inch my way out the between the horn blowing, one-finger saluting cross traffic.....

Now for some of my favorite bloggers... Did I mention that Theresa and I have 4 out of 5 of the same favorite bloggers. But relisting them here would probably be cheating and you all know Phillipia does not like cheaters....

• I'm Just Saying.... I miss you, Winky Twinky. Consider this award your "get out of bed and blog" call:)
• Nanny Goats in Panties
• How to Become a Cat Lady...Without the Cats.
• Dr. Grumpy in the House
• Flubtastic Doofalo....I need my daily fix, so keep that internet connection.

Now I gotta get back to work...

Tenjooberrymuds

My boss sent this email to the localization team the other day...

She also sends us the best homemade baked goods in the world, but I digress...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "... What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter.. just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea...meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds"

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "... and you do, don't you?

And you thought you didn’t speak a foreign language!!

You've got mail...

I must admit, I do not go to the mail box too often.

I pay all of my bills online...in fact, I do most everything online.

I headed toward the mailbox at least three times last week - but before I got there I got caught up in something else.

Now, I do ask G-Man to get the mail once in awhile, but unless he is waiting for a package, my request falls on deaf ears.

But yesterday, on the way out to dinner...

Let's stop and get the mail on the way out, Mom.

Okay...are you waiting for something?

Well, sort of -you think that stuff I asked you to order over the weekend is here?

It's worth a check...(not - I did not order till this morning, but he does not need to know that).

----

You got a package, Mom. Did you order something?

Just open it...I want to see (I am driving).


It is a cool pen ....with a cow on it...why would someone send you a pen - there's two of them.



Because I asked for it...and they are the coolest pens in the world...And it is not a cow...it is a goat.

Geez...all those hours of See 'n Say and you cannot tell the difference between a goat and a cow...

I forgot my glasses...

Just give me my pens...they're awesome.

Wait...Nanny Goats in Panties? Where are the panties?

On the goat..where do you think???

What???

Don't worry about it...

Thanks for the pens, Margaret. I will show them off proudly...

And if you get a lot of extra traffic from the Willoughby area in the next few days...

It is could be that my friends like your pens, or...

...some teenage football players are looking for panties...

It was a Bally's night...

Yay...I have not been to Bally's in forever...

During the summer, I decided it was much easier to go to the complex pool, get some Vitamin D, some color, and some exercise all at the same time. One stop shopping...

And since the pool closed a couple weeks ago...well, ya know, it was one thing after another.

It is amazing how much muscle weight I have gained since my last visit to Bally's.

It must all be in my fingers...from all those extra hours I have been putting in at work, typing away, loading info into the database...

Monday was a good day.

I took the day off work and went shopping with CareBear.- she bought, I watched. I did good not spending a cent that I did not have...

In the early evening, LDBoy and G-Man joined us and I was treated to one of my favorite dinners at Texas Roadhouse. Sirloin tips over mashed potatos and gravy with mushrooms - oh yeah.

And I finally got smart and learned to order my tips rare so that by the time they get to me they are medium rare:)

Then CareBear and LDBoy and I headed downtown to watch Dinosaurus Rex at Pat's in the Flats.

I figured the place may not be crowded since it was a Monday night. And I was absolutely right...in fact LDBoy was the only paying customer the whole time we were there.

I guess CareBear and I could have bought our own drinks and tripled the amount of customers, but LDBoy offered, and who are we to not let a guy buy us drinks?

We did not have a hard time deciding what to drink either...since Pat does not keep fruit (lemons and limes are not exceptions) or fruit juice (except cranberry, because its medicinal), or fruit flavored spirits.

So shots of Jose Cuervo it was ....chased with a vodka and cranberry.

A few of those and the place was looking pretty inviting.

A few more and I had to use the ladies room.

Not so inviting...even after a few...

But when ya gotta go, you do; so I did.

What, no soap???? Just mustard? I kid you not, there was a mustard dispenser sitting on the sink where the soap should have been.

I am not that brave....

I heard....I really did not check on this myself...that there was a ketchup dispenser in the men's room.

Wonder where the mayo dispenser was...

Doing Laundry...over.

Thanks, G-man and company...

Yesterday I had a zillion things to do.

Really, I counted...

I decided I could do three things at once: laundry, update the rebel web, sort through some work emails....

So I head to the basement with my work laptop, my home laptop, and three bags of laundry...

Woah...looks like there was a party happening here...

I know G-man had some of the guys over because it was a no football weekend...but how many guys does it take to leave this kind of mess?????

Red plastic cups everywhere...No way was there that much pop in the fridge...

Ping pong balls??? We do not have a ping pong table...

Crushed pretzel bits...jeez...did they think they were grapes???

Playing cards all over the place...like a game of 204 card pickup gone wrong....

Video games and controllers everywhere...

No boys to help pickup tho....

Oh well, add another thing to my todo list....

So I throw in a load of laundry, take a look at all the clean laundry sitting there waiting to get put away (add to list), and boot up my computers.

As I am praying that I can get online (so I can cross 'call cable guy back" off my list) I hear the washer go into it spin cycle followed by the sound of water spraying all over the place....

Yeah, all over the floor, all over the clean laundry, all over everything....

Why the hell would anyone unclamp the washer hose from the tub???

OMG, just add a few more things to my todo list...

Just F'in look it up...

This morning I finally made it to BMV to renew my registration.

I had planned to take care of this online but G-Man's and CareBear's cars - registered to me for insurance rate purposes - needed an E-check this year.

CareBear was very cooperative, being female and all. She took care of hers a month ago - in plenty of time for me to renew online.

G-Man however.....well, he had a brake light out for well over a month now.

I have been bugging him for weeks to get it taken care of.

Last weekend I finally withheld some important news until he had the light fixed...

Brake light working???? Ok, then, here's the mail you been waiting for...

That left a week for him to get the E-Check done...

No time Monday...
Too Busy Tuesday...
Working out Wednesday...
Gotta focus on the game Thursday....
Friday....I'll do it tomorrow...

Only if you are going to be there at 8:00 AM when they open...

But I ....

You do not have football....

It's the only day I can sleep in...

Then I guess you better get there now....

So...here I am at the BMV office...noone in line, this could be quick...

Ma'm it says here these two cars need e-checked.

I had it done.

Where's your paperwork.

Shit...I left it home...

You need your paperwork.

Can't you look it up - see if it shows up on line?

No...you need to go get your paperwork.

No way...that's going to be a problem. I mean, I can get it for G-man's car - it is sitting on my desk... but CareBear had hers e-checked over a month ago in another town. And she is out of town and I do not have her paperwork...

Sorry, I need....

Try to look it up...

It won't show ...

Just try....(before I feel the need to get loud)

Ok (deep sigh)...it says here you are all set. That will be $163.40.

Wow....how much of that goes toward your salary?

I opened a bottle of your wine....

As my son and his friends were retelling this story, I was reminded of Flubtastic Doofalo's OJ Post...


LDBoy and his business partners decided to share a few of cases of Mon Avie.

Obviously they are trying to clean out their systems....we'll just leave that there. But I am told a mere shot (aka 1.5 oz) per day keeps them embarrassingly flatulent for the day...

One of the partners makes his home in NC; the other partners are Ohio based. So they had the shipment sent to the Ohio office, split it up, and forwarded NC man his share.

In the meantime, NC man has left his NC home-office for an exrtended visit to Ohio. He asked a friend to house-sit because he was expecting some deliveries...

NC man answered his phone while at dinner a couple days into his Ohio visit...

NC Man: Hello
House-sitter: Hey, man. WTF kind of wine did you order. I had a couple of glasses and have been on the shitter ever since.
NC Man: It's not wine.
House-sitter: No kidding.
NC Man: Why did you open my stuff?
House-sitter: I had my girlfriend over and we felt like some wine...aw shit...gotta go...coming through....

They sound so much alike...

So as I was packing up to leave the office last Friday, my desk phone rings....

Hello, this is Phillipia.

Hey Mom, you still going to the game?

Yeah...why wouln't I???

Can you take me?

What???

Can I ride with you??

Why???

Why not???

Ummm...why aren't you riding on the bus with the team???

Mom, this is your other son...

Ooops....

The Cable Guy

My internet/cable/phone has not worked real well since I switched providers a few months ago...

I switched because customer support was terrible with the previous provider...

Customer service does not seem much better with this provider...

One of my irritating expectations of service providers is that I should not have to find out how good their customer service is....

I am paying for a service....just fucking do it right. Keep the lines clear and fast and secure...

Do not make me have to call your customer support line in India and talk to someone I cannot understand.....I did press 1 for English...

Do not make me have to be home for a 4 hour block of time....and then not show up...and then want to reschedule for tomorrow night! Yeah, I have been overdoing it lately, but I still do not want to be forced to sit at home without internet or tv ...I have things to do...places to be...

Do not call my house phone which is a digital line that you talked me into but is now not working except as an excuse for your field service guy to say he called but did not get an answer and so assumed noone was home......duh....

Do not have your FSE call my cell phone from an unavailable number and not leave a message or a call-back number and then assume I am not home. I am human with human needs. Sometimes I am indisposed for a couple of minutes taking care of those human needs and cannot get to the phone before it stops ringing...

I'll be here again tomorrow...waiting...maybe piggybacking on some unsuspecting neighbor's unsecure line...catching the signal when I can...

Do not make me have to ask for reimbursement for down time...sure I'll take that credit...but I'd much rather have a signal...

Sorry I was late....

Courtesy Note: If you are just here for the funny, you may want to skip to the last two paragraphs, 'cuz I tend to take a while to get there.

For the rest of you that can handle me going on and on and on, read on.

Last night was not a great night for the Rebels....they just could not get their act together long enough to get past the WildCats of Mayfield.

Not that they did not try their damnedest. There were more positives from the game than negatives...just not enough to pull out a win....

The O-coordinator decided to use more of a passing game plan - which probably seemed best since every punt/kick return from Mayfield went deep in our end zone and we had to go 80 yards every drive to make it to their end-zone....arghhh....

So of course the running backs (G-man and el), continually got the ball only on 3rd down (and long, usually)...and did I mention Mayfield also has a tough defense.

G-man had more receiving yards than rushing yards last night...wait...you are a wide receiver and a tight end now, too??? When did that happen???

Oh well....better things will happen next week, I am sure.

But let's step back a little to before the game...

This has been a crazy week at work and at home. You know about Tuesday and Wednesday.

Thursday I went into work early 'cuz I needed to leave at 3:30 to serve the football dinner. Well, we are STILL releasing projects so after dinner I headed back to the office and worked til 9:30.

Then I went to the local Big Bird grocer to get some wings and a few munchies to have on hand for after Friday's game. Although I was not ready to be the Senior parent host this week, no one else had yet offered, so I thought I should...

So I was up late into Thursday night making wings and doing football laundry....

I toyed with the idea of going in late Friday but remembered there was a meeting I needed to be at at 9:00 am and another at 11:00 and another at 3:00....and of course a game to be at by 7:00 PM which happens to be right across the street from the office.

This should have been ok, had I not offered to host post-game...

So, I left the office after the 11:00 meeting, went home, cleaned up the place (toss in closet kind of clean-up), hit the grocery store for some burgers, dogs, and buns ('cuz G-man and the boyz cannot live on wings alone I was told), back home to toss burgers in the freezer and wings in the crock pot with bbq so they would be ready after the game, and headed back to work...

I intended to work til about 6:30 and then head over to the field, but by 5:30 I was exhausted. So a co-worker and I decided to hit the local Irish pub for a beer or two before going our separate ways for the weekend....

Of course I am wearing my Rebel jersey in Mayfield territory, but hey...I didn't start the fights...

There were a few other rebel parents there to offer some protection, so we moved as one out the door and down the road.

After the game, a few Moms head back to the school to wait for the buses and congratulate/console the boys and maybe feed them cookies to hold them over til they get to the real food. Consoling was not an easy task Friday...in fact it did not go over well at all.
We could hear the boys mumbling through their post-game prayer. I suggested they move it along and save the prayers for next week's pre-game since that would make more sense to me, but they acted like they didn't hear me...

I was actually just wanting them to get out of the locker room so I could hug G-man and then head home to open the house before those who did not go back to the locker could get in...

Of course on nights like these G-man is last out of the locker room - not sure what he does in there, but his knuckles were a lil bruised and I did hear the sounds of some inanimate (if they weren't before they are now) objects being tossed around.

Surprisingly, when I got to the house, there was no one breaking down the doors to get in. Apparently they had been there and got tired of waiting and headed to Croagh Patrick's for a while we're waiting brew or two.

And of course very few players showed because I think they were afraid to look like they were wanting food after a game that went so wrong. G-man was the gracious player host all tho I did get a few why me glares...

But after a couple burgers, a plate of wings, and several Dads (aka bleacher coaches) letting him know that he looked pretty good out there despite everything that went wrong, he felt a lil better.

And that is the point of these post game gatherings...win or lose, have some food, look back, look forward...the team is family...family is there through the good and the bad...

Quite a few parents showed up - some brought a few "people" (aka, stray rebel fans) back with them from Croagh Patrick's - so all in all it was a good late night/early morning gathering...

And now, remembering that this is suppose to be a humor blog, some funny shit did happen last night....

Just about the time people were starting to leave, I realized I had a voice mail.

Hey Phillipia, we're here at your house....your lights are not on, we're knocking, you're not answering...we can smell wings, we are looking at your naked neighbor...where the hell are you? C'mon let us in...quit making us look at your naked neighbor...it is not pretty...we're outta here, sorry we missed ya...yikes...go...go!

Ooops, sorry I was late guys...

Me: Hey...I just got your voicemail...glad you came back.
Them: Yeah, we figured you was at the school...
Me: So who is my naked neighbor? Oh...him...(as they are pointing in
a general direction and gagging)... yeah, prolly not pretty. I have seen him
in his tighty- whiteys smoking on his deck...he seems ok with himself...or maybe
Altheimer's has set in...

And then my attention was suddenly diverted, as a story is unfolding from a Mom who works the phones for a no-named we'll give you quotes from three companies insurance agency...

So, he says...hey, after I started to dial to get a quote, I realized I had to poop...so I am trying to get to the toilet...hold on, I'm unzipping....man, I gotta go, not sure I am gonna make it here....damn....I'm tripping over my pants....hold on...

I'm trying to butt in and ask him if he wants to call back but he is not hearing me at all....just going on and on about trying to get to the bathroom and all I can picture is this guy with his phone in one hand and his pants around his ankles, trying to get his tight-whiteys down before he shits himself...

Ok, I made it to the toilet...we can talk now...oooh...sorry, that feels so good...so about that quote... wait...I forgot to grab a pen and paper....honey, can you bring me a pen and paper....my wife'll be here in a sec...damn where is she?...let me see if I can get up...

Three minutes and 30 seconds later (I set a timer) he says he's sorry but he keeps trying to wipe but he keeps pooping and his wife is not coming with the pen and paper or at all for that matter...

Ok, hold on. I'll use toilet paper...just let me grab something to write with...

That's when I hung up....

Mandatory Drinking...

There was a mandatory meeting for the football parents tonight.

The meeting was mandated by the OHSAA and had an agenda that included us watching an instructional film...

We have known for a couple of weeks that this was happening...we just did not know when...OHSAA took longer than expected to get the film produced and delivered.

Too bad they did not take the whole season...

Rumors were flying about the content. Most of the rumors had the film graphically displaying the dangers of the game....steroid induced heart explosions, neck stingers causing uncontrolled flailing limbs followed by total paralysis; broken necks and backs; femurs protruding everywhere...

The rumors were wrong...mostly...

There was a short clip on heat stroke and a message to athletes, coaches, parents, and fans:

The best prevention is to drink, even when you are not thirsty.

No problem here...

Let's start now...see ya at Croagh Patrick's.

It's a 2-part question...

I just cannot help myself....

I was at the monthly Rebel Mom (no dads allowed) meeting tonight.
I promised myself that I was not going to cause trouble, but my buddy J was not there to hold me back or kick my shins when I started to open my big mouth.

As you may know, I am coordinating the football meal planning. We used the school cafeteria to store our stuff (utensils/cups/plates/gatoraid) during the summer doubles. But once school started we had to move our stuff out of the kitchen.

Last year's football mom (also a rebel mom) used the indoor concession stand (rebel mom property) to store some of the bigger stuff during football season.

Well, I just assumed that this year's football moms (also rebel moms) would be afforded the same courtesy.

So...why can't you just take your stuff home with you every week? Keep it in your car? Okay...you can keep some of your stuff in there - but you cannot have a key...

And what good does that do me??? It;s a 2 part question - can I have a lil space and a key to access the little space????

Uh - well...maybe...but probably not....

Forget it...I will just go to plan B....you'll figure it out eventually...

One of the football moms texted me during the meeting from across the room....

I have to go...call me after the meeting so we can exchange the goods...

Goods as in utensils...she serves meals on Wednesdays and I serve on Thursdays and we cannot use the concession stand to store our stuff so we have to trade things twice a week - or buy two of everything...

So after the meeting I give MealMom#2 a call.

Me:So why'd you have to leave the meeting?
MM#2: I had to; I couldn't stand it anymore...my time limited...and that is a waste of it...come on by, we'll have a drink.

Well, it so happens I had already made plans to get a drink with Treasurer Mom and MM#2 just wanted to stay in for the night, but suggested we visit her brothers' bar as they had just opened their kitchen.

So off to Croagh Patrick's we went and had a wonderful time. A couple of orders of macaroni bites, a couple of Killian's and a couple of shots (complements of MM#2's brother) and I was feeling much better about not having a key to that blasted concession stand.

More promises...

I promised myself not to post football stats and video as filler info on my blog....

But...the Rebels did have a great game Friday night...

Check out the press they got here: http://southrebelfootball.com/news.php

Hear the crowd chanting "Gary Harmon" in the South vs Alliance video...

It is unfortunate (well, not for G-Man or myself) that the video shows only his 2 TDs.

There were two other great offensive TDs and an interception that BWills carried 79 yards for a defensive TD.

It was an awesome night.

And Kudos to the O-line - hope you enjoyed the doughnuts Saturday morning. I knew I was forgetting something this summer - putting money back for doughnuts for Saturday morning films for the O-line - assuming they block good for my baby:)

Promises...Promises...

I know I promised to write about feet today as a member of HBDC.

And when I made this promise, I intended to keep it; I expected my hectic life to slow down, but it hasn't...

I guess I could tell you about G-man's ingrown toe-nail on the big toe of his right foot - but that is pretty gross.

And I could tell you that tonight is the first high school football game for many schools in our area, including the Willoughby South Rebels - but nothing funny there...

I could tell you about the 5000 feet of toilet paper that I found in my yard this morning; wrapped around the trees, bushes, deck, and car....thank you WS cheerleaders:)

I could tell you about how I have been plagued with plantar fasciitis in my left foot lately.
Not sure how I got that as (after some limited research) I discovered that it most often affects joggers, tennis players, policemen, and those with gonorrhea...

But I really do not have time to blog today...instead, I must get off of my lunch break and continue my great feat of releasing a shitload of docs for Peyton PHlaCe....

Lesson for the day...

This lesson was passed on to me from a pre-school (for the gifted) teacher.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife for a free visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation. This particular medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

Wanting to keep his wife happy, the old man decided to redeem his certificate...

During his visit, the medicine man gave the birthday boy a vial full of a sweet-smelling liquid and these instructions:

"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You must take only one teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform for a very long time."

"How long is long? When will the medicine stop working?" the old man questioned.

"One dose will allow you to perform until your partner has had enough and says '1-2-3-4,' repled the healer. "And then, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if the magic medicine would actually work, the old man hurried home, showered, shaved, and took his first dose; he then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of 74-year old men.

His wife was so excited to see his sudden burst of manliness that she started tearing off her own clothes.

"Ooooh, baby, now that's what I'm talking about...but what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Bragging Rights:)

Watch and enjoy...


High school football preview: Rich year for running backs (video) - The News-Herald Sports : Breaking news coverage for Northern Ohio



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Would you get this job?

The following is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

• An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
• An old friend who once saved your life.
• The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

• Would you pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and you feel you should save her?
• Would you take the old friend who once saved your life? This is the perfect chance for pay back.
• Or, would you take your perfect mate because, well, how often does that chance come along?

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) gave the following answer:

I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

The moral? Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. We need to be able to 'Think Outside the Box.'

I got this story in an email from one of the other candidates for the position. He still believes he had the better answer and should have been hired.

I would have to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her; I would then have mad, passionate sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and then I would drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I'd like to share...

A few random thoughts...

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  
  
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  
  
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when I realize I'm wrong, very wrong. Yeah, it happens...to me...a lot:(
  
  
• When someone says: "I don't need to drink to have fun," all I can think is "No one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when you've got a lighter?"
  
  
• I totally wish I could take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid...I'd probably be a lot less tired now.
  
  
• Why isn't there a sarcasm font?
  
  
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die.
  
  
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text or put on eyeliner.
  
  
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. I mentioned this to my kids..."Duh, Mom; but we don't suck at it, so don't worry."
  
  
• Was learning cursive really necessary? How many people's writing can you actually read? And Adobe has taken care of your signature...
  
  
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  
  
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just start nodding and smiling because you can't understand someone's broken English and pressing 1 doesn't work in everyday conversation...
  
  
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a fucktard from cutting in at the front. Left lane ends...you were warned 3 miles back...
  
  
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
  
  
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
  
  
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  
  
• Bad decisions make good stories - especially when they are someone else's bad decisions...
  
  
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. It hit a few minutes ago...
  
  
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection for the sixth time...
  
  
• If the tag says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" it will never get clean...not in my house, anyway.
  
  
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
  
  
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood, don't ya think?
  
  
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  
  
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
  
  
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  
  
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

I am not nice when I am tired...

I am feeling pretty damn exhausted lately...

So today when I got into work and checked my email, and read that my boss had asked the lead of one of my projects (Ms. Lead) to oversee the work of another project that I thought I was now leading ...

And then found another email from Ms. Lead asking everyone who was providing me with input to provide her with the status of their input so maybe she could give us some ideas of how to move this project along faster...

Let's just say I lost it....

The reason I took on this new work a few weeks ago was two-fold:
I like to do it and not too many of my coworkers do...
I figured I could work on my own a bit...away from my Ms. Lead.

Ms. Lead, god love her, is a wonderful person with a smiling, happy personality. She just manages to micromanage the hell out of every project she takes on....She plans the project to death and then replans everytime something small changes and expects the "workers" on the project to confirm her new plans and let her know the instant things change so that maybe her suggested target "dates" cannot be met.

Well guess what, when the whole project end date moves out by a year, my date is gonna move too....sorry I did not mention that to you.

And yet a third email ....Recently, a vendor delivered 240+ translated documents. Ms. Lead asked for a target delivery date for each of the documents. She asked for confirmation of the dates regularly...all were within a two-week span. These were not small documents - they averaged 200 pages each...All documents were delivered within 5 days of the target date - some early, some up to 5 days late. "Well, why were we late on some documents", Ms. Lead asks. "And how can we prevent this in the future?"

Well, I gave her my idea which was probably not a good idea...but I was in a mood....

Phillipia says...

How about you and the rest of the management team find something to do with your time besides asking us the "workers" to report on the status of our "work" while also explaining exactly how we are doing said "work" so you can report to upper management that you have thought of some ways to improve "worker" efficiencies...

Needless to say my idea was not well received.

So I just put my headphones on and continued working, replying to all status requests with "IAFWOI"

I could be wrong...

I thought things would have slowed down a bit by now, but It is taking me longer than I thought to get all the things done I had hoped to get done over the last couple of weeks.

Another couple weeks and MAYBE I will be caught up - if I quit taking on more...I need a lesson in how to say NO...

Not sure I told you that my oldest got a new pet boa; BOA was the guest of honor at his Garden of Eden themed party the other night. I am not quite sure what a Garden of Eden party is because I was not on the invite list...which probably says a lot about what it is...

Costumes were mandatory and G-Man went as Temptation; as far as I know, he did not buy any type of costume; I did see him leave the house with a red marker, tho...Bite Me???

I have yet to see pictures, but I hear BOA had things wrapped up pretty well. Even CareBear, as the tree of life, had a photo moment with BOA...

And unlike the OT garden, this garden abounded in Eves...scantily clad and sharing a BOA...

G-man, being the good son he is, visited his Dad the morning after the party. Unfortunately, his car barely made it to dad's and ended up in a shop in Brimtuckey. But Dad has a few cars so he decided to let G-man borrow one of them until his got fixed; it was not the cool convertible G-Man was hoping to borrow, but....

The Roadmaster, with front bumper bungee corded to the engine, almost made it half of the 60 mile trip home before it stalled out and refused to start. Two cars down in one day...let's go for a record...

So I spent my afternoon driving to Streetsboro to rescue G-man and waiting there with him and the ex for AAA to come and haul the Roadmaster back to Brimtucky...

Yes, the ex has had a bad couple of weeks. His mom has had knee replacement surgery which was complicated with heart problems and he has just put his step-dad in a home for altzheimer patients. He has been slightly over-stressed.

So I did not point out to him that his long graying scragly hair is not attractive - that the hippie, crocodile dundee look does not look good on him.

And I did not point out that wearing striped boxers that are longer than your walking shorts is probably not ever going to catch on as a fashion trend.

I do not really care how he wears his hair or his underwear, but Senior Parent night is next week and I am not sure G-man's friends believe him anymore when he tells them that his Dad is a fashion entrepreneur.

But I could be wrong...I have been before...at least once...

Thank You Cat Lady ...

The other night I decided to take a break from work and football to post a funny from my lil brother and to read a few of my favorite blogs.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear...a chance for me to earn a bloggin' award ...

Thanks to my favorite (because she has no cats) Cat Lady for paying it forward to me with the most sought after bloggin' award of all times - the "Premiere Meme Award!"
Larew, you are the best, what more can I say?

Oh yeah, like I was sayin', I gotta bloggin' work for it...

If I understand it right, before I can claim the award, I need to reveal 7 of my innermost secrets and then pass the torch to 7 of my favorite bloggers who have secrets of their own...

I hope I got that right...

But before I start revealing, let me say a few words of thanks to Cat Lady Larew for nominating me for this honor. You have helped make me the blogger I am with your frequent visits and empathetic comments. All of that after keeping me entertained with tips on How to Become a Cat Lady. I promise to be a student now that I have given up my cat.

I would also like to thank my three kids, my two brothers, my two parents, my friends, my neighbors, my ex-neighbors, my co-workers, my ex-coworkers, my kids friends, my ex, my ex in-laws, the rebel moms, the bingo goers and workers, the football parents and staff, the drinkers, the smokers, the tokers, the online scammers, the guys in my past that I have dated and those who would not date me, my bay buddy, toledodawn, Phat Phil, bad american, lc, richyB, sandra lee..

You get the picture...if you are a part of my bloggin life, thank you very much... But who the hell is sandra lee? you ask - just wait she'll bloggin show up sooner or later...

Now for the revealing....

1. I was very very shy in grade school and high school; in fact, I was one of the least popular kids in school; most likely to be canonized for living the life of an outcast; but look at me now...I am the Mom of a partying bachelor entrepreneur, a beauty queen of a tri-state beer pong champion, and a co-captain of a high school football team...who'd a thought?
2. My BS is in physics - really - which makes me related to Al Einstein - sorta - which is where I get my charming personality and handsome good looks...and frequent bad hair days...
3. Tell me I have to do something and I will do my best to not do it - no matter how much I really want to. It's the Catholic school/family upbringing. Who says I have to go to Church? And confession to a priest??? I'll see you in hell first!!! And there is nothing better than a Delmonico Steak, medium rare, smothered in mushrooms and onions on a Friday in Lent.
4. The thing I find most attractive in guys is their smile; if you have a smile that shows in your eyes, a good sense of humor, and a giving heart, I am yours..if you'll have me - and you're available...
5. Cheaters and liars are about the lowest of the low on my list of bad guys (and gals). If I catch you cheating on a SO or spouse, I have little sympathy for you. And if I catch you in a lie...well, just know I will prolly question every frickin' word outta your mouth after that ...
6. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a nun. But at one time in my young life I did dream of becoming one...sort of wanted to martyr myself for the love of God - make my parents proud...
7. When I grow up, I want to be a lottery winner...actually, I just want to be able to retire someday with enough financial security to not have to work for someone else, to travel a little, and to help my kids on the path to their dreams...

And now the fun part...I get to tag 7 of my favorite bloggers...

CatLadyLarew, know that I would be tagging you if you hadn't tagged me first. Are tagbacks allowed?

Winky Twinky, I'm Just saying you had to know this was coming...You are my first and favorite blogging buddy...well, first after lc, but we will not go there, because he is not there anymore...teach him to mess with us. I'll let you readers try to find that story amongst our bloggin posts...

Next, I want to send you over to Pa Rock's Ramble...Rock is definitely on my list of of top ramblers. And not just because he may owe me $100 at the end of the year if I slither ahead in his infamous Dead Pool. Rock rambles, among other persona, as a social observer, citizen journalist, nature enabler, poetry appreciator, and (drum roll for my personal favorite), proud grampa. Check him out.

Next you should visit Flubtastic Doofalo. I enjoy Flubtastic's blog so much because he (or at least his blog persona) kinda reminds me of me - only I am a girl and he is a guy and he is funny and I try to be and... well there may be a few more slight differences, but you know what I mean...

And then head on over to see mooooooog35, aka midgetmanofsteel, to get your daily dose of laugh-out-loud Mental Poo. Enough said...

Then, let's have some Fun With Jesus because...well, it's back to that Catholic upbringing I keep trying to get away from. Thanks for your help, JC:)

And one of my newer favorites...Dr. Grumpy..take two bullets and cap him in the morning...he'll feel much better.

And this one - ya gotta love - if for nothing else, than the what???? Ok, this sucks...I wanted to tell you about Wind in Your Vagina but apparently it is now only open to invited readers. But I am a follower, invite me in you bastard. I'm losing my Wind in Your Vagina - oh noooooo...

Well that leaves room for another hats off...to the Open Letters Blog. I have been writing a few open letters of my own lately and will be sharing them with you soon - once I get past this busy few weeks at Peyton PHlace and football mommying - which has lead to some of the aforementioned open letters...

Thanks to my lil brother....

...for his answer to a question that use to haunt me...

Why are Muslim terrorists so quick to commit suicide???

• No Jesus

• No Christmas

• No television

• No cheerleaders

• No Nude Women

• No football

• No soccer

• No golf (Sooo??)

• No tailgate parties

• No pork BBQ

• No burgers

• No lobster<

• No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

• No nachos

• No Beer nuts

• No Beer !!!!!!!!

• Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

• Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

• Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

• More than one wife.

• You can't shave.

• Your wives can't shave...

• You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

• The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

• Your bride is picked by someone else.

• She smells just like your donkey.

• But your donkey has a better disposition.

• Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

That clears it up...thanks, lil bro.

Sarcasm Fail!

Retraction: I did not lose my job...yet!!!

My previous post and attempt at sarcasm failed miserably.

I do appreciate your concern and good wishes.

However, I am still employed - at least until the next round of layoffs...

Thank God, because Phat Phil and other Peyton PHlaCe antics provide a hell of a lot of content for this blog...

Motivational FAIL!

So the CEO of Peyton PHlaCe sent an email...


Times are tough...sales are down...healthcare cannot decide if it wants to reform...


You will get laid off as soon as you finish the project you are working on...


Hmmm...this project is taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated...

Oooops day???

G-Man informed me that today is Oooops Day on the football field.

Apparently, the players dress in full pads, but according to OHSAA rules, they are not allowed to make contact.

So if you accidently plow an opponent into the ground and stomp on him unmercifully, it's ok, as long as you help him up and say "ooops."

Lessons...

Did you know that the words 'race car' spelled backwards spells 'race car'?

Did you know that 'eat' is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense 'ate'?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "ex boyfriend" and add just a few more letters, it spells "two-timing, no good god-damn piece of shit asshole loser"?

Amazing, isn't it?


Disclaimer: I am not writing about any specific boyfriend here, so do not flatter yourself if you happen to be one of my ex's reading this....

The week that was....

I miss blogging...

And reading your blogs...

So, I am going to take a break from life and tell you what I have been doing this past week and what I will be up to this next week...just in case you want to know...

First, the week that was...

Monday:

I worked from home and actually got a lot done - worked till about 6:00 pm.
Than I went for a walk with Ame's Mom at Squire's Castle.
We started up the first little hill and I had to set some ground rules...flat ground rules...I am no shape to do the hills - let's stick to the paved path around the castle.
After a few rounds, I was ready for a few rounds, but we decided DQ would have to do because it was getting late.
And Ames and Mom had some girl time planned...hey wait, I'm a girl, so I tagged along. What a treat...hot wax treat that is...I now have two eyebrows...lol.

Tuesday:

As G-Man is leaving for morning workouts he asks if I am coming to the 7-on7 in Bedford.
Me: Say what???
G-Man: We just found out yesterday.
Me: Us moms have a meeting tonight, planned around your schedule to plan for your meals next week.
G-Man: You don't have to come if ya don't want to....

Later....

Me: Okay, coach....they found out yesterday????
Coach: I swear I told them last week...
Me: Told them??? How about telling ME next time so I can post and let parents plan around these things.
Coach: The players knew...
Me: But WE didn't and if you want me to keep passing info to the parents that YOU want them to know...then start passing me info that WE want to know, too, ok? One simple phone call (or an email) to me and I will post info and we would all be much happier....ok??? Are you listening????
Coach: By the way, can you let the parents know there is a mandatory meeting next Sunday rigth smack during the dinner hour - unless you eat dinner incredibly early or late at your house...

All day Tuesday I was torn...do I go to the game or go to the meeting??
Hmmm, I have the agenda, there is no other good night for me or anyone else this week, we have lots to do. In the end, I caved and acted responsible and went to the meeting as did all the other 6 Moms. What a team we are.
I have to tell you, I dreaded taking on the job of coordinating the football meals this year, but what a joy it has been. The moms who offered to help really helped. In fact they did most of the work - I really just coordinated and posted info and kept our spreadsheets up to date.
And the best part, unlike previous years, I had moms helping from all four classes, so they will know what they are doing next year and it can only get better...

Wednesday:

...is a blur. I know I worked at home until pretty late, very late in fact....so late that I do not remember stopping....until I knew if I did not get to Bally's they would close and I really needed to swim off some tension.
(Note: As soon as I get through this upcoming week and have a little more free time, I will have some further adventures of Phat Phil and Peyton PHlaCe to share...)

Thursday:

After a hectic day at Peyton PHlaCe, I headed straight to Chick-Fil-A in Willoughby to help with a fundraiser. G-Man was bummed because he had to work (at KFC) and could not participate. (Uh, boss, I am calling off because I am going to Chick-Fil-A. What??? You're ok with that??? Oh...I am out of a job...damn.)
Sorry you missed the fun, G-Man.

But you'll get your shot at fame a lil later this month when you are featured in the News Herald football preview...

After the fundraiser, I stopped by a cheer leader mom's house to drop off a prize she had won. This lady is a dear friend who was born with the gift of gab. I had a plan, cuz I had not been home yet and I was tired....I figured I would not get out of the car, phone her as I am pulling down her street and ask her to come out and get her prize...
My plan failed. I spent a good 45 minutes sitting in my car in the street with her leaning in my window as I tried to explain to her why I do not call all the parents with the info I post on the web...

Her: Why didn't you tell me about the fundraiser earlier...
Me: I did... RYFE
Her: You know I do not read my email...
Me: Not my problem...
Her: But you could call me...I am your friend...
Me: So are the 20 other parents that asked me to call them...RYFE
Her: Not everyone is computer savy like you...
Me: Not my problem....have your kids read your email...
Her: They are busy...
Me: So am I...

So today, I got a bright idea. I called her (not the bright idea...) and offered her the job of calling all the other freshman parents who apparently do not read their email either (because they have not responded to my email pleas for help serving/donating for meals)....that'll teach 'em...cuz believe me, there is no such thing as a short phone conversation with Dear Gabby.

Friday:

Worked til 5:45 and then headed to another meeting of the Moms (okay just one Mom this time) to design a page for the fall sports program thanking all our sponsors. A veggie pizza and a few beers and hours later and we were happy with our creation...and i learned a few things about a few people I use to know way back in grade school who she knew in high school and college and after....verrry interesting stuff I learned....for another time...

Yesterday:

I did laundry, swam a lil (exercise and Sunny Vitamin D all in one shot), worked a lot on meal stuff, and then met some neighbor girls for a drink and gossip session that lasted into this morning....

Today:

Much like yesterday....more laundry, a lil swimming, a little time with G-Man and friends, a lot of meal planning/web stuff, dinner and drinks with a friend....

And that brings me to now....

Sitting here getting tired just thinking of the upcoming week....serving doubles in the mornings, then right to work for 6-8 hours. Friday night Pampered Chef party, Saturday afternoon lunch with high school friends I have not seen for 30 years, Sunday football meeting..

I'll be back...promise...

In the News...

Oxycontin Found in Skittles

My first thought after reading this article was to call G-man and tell him not to eat those two bags of Skittles I just bought him because there may be Oxycontin in them....

Then I thought better of it and figured it was best to keep my mouth shut and go to plan B.

He does not watch the news....I will confiscate the bags before he gets to them...hopefully...

Unless his friends watch the news...

And then I was thinking - will this make Skittles sale go down or up?

Or will it just level out?

My week ahead...

Virgo Weekly Horoscope beginning July 25, 2009 (via Facebook)

Residential moves will be hectic and may be unsatisfactory. Who's moving?

Don't make a move; your confusion has caused this dilemma and you are best to back away and reassess the situation. I am confused....

Your partner may push buttons that infuriate you. What partner????

Overindulgence may be a problem. Oh, really???

Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Again? Well, I am not falling for it this time - $300 worth of "lucky lotto" tickets later and I am not feeling lucky....

I may be remiss..

I just wanted to let you know upfront that I may be a little less bloggy for the next couple of weeks.

In case you care why....

Peyton PHlace (no, not the Milk of Magnesia place, Bingo Betty) got extremely busy all of a sudden - at least for me. I need to release close to 300 documents by the end of August....which is not as easy as it sounds...

There are ECRs and DMRs and DCFs and ECOs and print files and source files for each...

And...if that is not enough...in my personal life as a Mom....well...are you ready for some football?

Because I am not. Meals to plans, checks to write, rosters and profiles and schedules to update and post; a messed up web to fix (yeah - I messed it up).

All before the first game on August 28th...

If you miss me - you can see what I am up to at http://southrebelfootball.com/

And Congrats to G-Man and three other well-deserving teammates on being elected Team Captains this past week! And NO - as some of the (non-elected) players thought - it is not just a title - there is actually work involved...

Go Rebs!!!

I am woman...

It's time....

...for a Peyton PHlaCe rant....you know you want one.

We have a new instant messenger program that works pretty well. I was chatting with a guy in another part of the building yesterday....

Me: Hey Jim, what is the part number of the doc you want me to release?

Him: Hold on.....

Me: I need it to pull a DCF to attach to a DMR for the ECO.

Him: Bare with me while I look it up...

Me: Hell, no. Just because I fell for it with the tick inspector from the health department....

On a positive note, I have been accomplishing a lot more of what I should be at work. At least I think I have.

But then again, I (and a few others) have been getting an onslaught of emails from various companies with tips for interviewing and good interviewing techniques. Think they know something about Peyton PHlaCe that we do not know?

I have learned that when I find myself start getting so frustrated that I feel the steam coming out my ears, it is time for a smoke break. What a great way to let off pent up frustration while making new friends, kissing up to the members of upper management who smoke, and gathering blog fodder.

Smoker1: Need to let off a little steam, Phillipia?

Me: You would not believe the day I am having. Some guy from the building A actually wanted me to get naked with him. Just because I asked him to look up a part number.

Smoker2: Is he blind?

Me: Hahaha.

Smoker1: Wonder if its the same guy that forgot to close the doors on the truck the other day. And then never saw the CT gantry roll off the back end.

Me: You're kidding, right????

Smoker2: Yeah, you know how they take the systems from this dock and move them to the building across the street and then put them on another truck over there to ship them to the hospitals?

Me: Yeah.....

Smoker1: Well this guy did not bother to shut the doors on the truck since he was just going across the street.

Smoker2: I guess he forgot the gantry was on rollers....

Smoker1: Half way down the road the thing rolls off the back...that gantry didn't get too far.

Smoker2: And he did not even see it roll off. When he got to the unloading dock across the street they asked where it was.

Smoker1: Damn thing was sitting in the road, blocking traffic.

Me: Did the covers stay on???

Smoker1: Haha funny...(inside joke)

SmokingManager: So when did you take up smoking Phillipia? (i.e., this is a smoking club and who invited you?)

Me: Umm...Uh...I'm just trying the second hand experience for awhile...