Mom the Artist....Wannabeee...

CareBear, my favorite daughter, is a student of Art History...she loves it...she loves it so much she has decided to continue her education until she has enough knowledge to obtain the position she wants...

Anyway, being more of the techy, science, math person, I am lost in the art world. I am trying to learn, really...but I am a slow learner if there are not numbers or words involved....

Pictures look pretty much the same to me...a field is a field is a field; a mountain is a mountain is a mountain; you get the picture. The problem is, I don't. But that is ok, because CareBear likes sculpting best. That I can handle. There is so much creativity in sculpting; and if my first 30 guesses about what it is are wrong, that's ok. 'Cuz it can be whatever I want it to be.

Lately I have been trying to come up with ways that I can make a little extra money to help pay the bills and be able to do some fun stuff, too. (Example: the ads on this blog - yeah, that hasn't worked out so well, now has it, but I digress...more on that in a future post).

So as we are walking through the museum, taking pictures we were not supposed to be taking (just to see what the guards would do) we came up with some money making ideas. CareBear decided she could turn my house into a museum; the Phillipia museum. Hell, I never throw things out. I have every ruler I ever smacked knuckles with; I have every candied apple....ok, not quite. But I do have a lot of junk. Much like the junk we saw on display. Seriously, if someone can sweep their floor and put the dustpan full of shit in a wooden box and call it art, so can I.

Sample of collection boxes I could artfully fill (in addition to the rulers and candied apples):

Cords, Cords, and More Cords
Spare Computer Parts Sorted by Gender
Holy Bibles left behind in PSR class
Holy Cards (found in the Holy Bibles left behind....)
Dust Bunny Cat Toys
Half Used School Supplies
Coins Surrounded by Couch Fuzz
Petrified Hair Balls
Frozen Insects - Clearly Identified

Yeah, I was saving CareBear's 7th grade insect project for G-Man, cuz I was not about to capture any more of those things. But as luck would have it, the school opted to trash that ongoing (for the last 30 years) project just as I was about to hand the frozen buggers over...damn, I was so ready.

As soon as the Phillipi Museum of Art opens, I will invite you in for a tour.

After we were finished seeing all there was to see at the Art Museum (I would tell you more about it, but...yeah, I have no clue) we decided to head to dinner at Luigi's - one of our all time favorite Italian Pizza places. I do not get there as often as the kids, since I live a little farther North nowadays, so I was especially looking forward to it. I ordered a white pizza with black olives and anchovies. I love it...watching the face of the waitress as I ask for anchovies.

Please, don't make me look at those things - you really want anchovies?

Yes, double anchovies, please. Alright, alright, no doubles.

This particular waitress was kind of rude about it. She held the pan at arm's length and scrunched up her nose as she delivered my pizza. But I enjoyed it, then and for lunch the next day. And I left her a nice tip for her inconvenience: "Anchovies do not bite, they are dead fish."

As we were leaving, we noticed that there were bottles of different kinds of wine lined up behind the bar. One was called Pizza Wine. I never knew there was such a thing.

"It's beer, Mom." The wisdom of CareBear, my favorite daughter - did I mention that before?

OSTWTW

So, as I started to tell you in an earlier post...

Last Wednesday, I was all settled in to relax a little after work, when for some odd reason I thought I should check on laundry (maybe because G-man was whining about running low on compression shorts). So I head to the basement laundry room, not really watching where I was going, and stepped in a huge puddle of water - only it wasn't just a puddle. I had an inch of water covering most of the basement floor. OSTWTW was my first thought. That's "Oh shit The Water Tank Went" in case you were wondering how I think. And right I was - as usual. Water was still pouring out of it - as fast as it was flowing into it....

I tried to shut of the water intake valve, but it would not budge. Time for G-man. Apparently I forgot the lefty-loosey righty-tighty rule cuz it turned off pretty easily for G-man.

Then time for a trip to the local home improvement store. Of course, by then it was near closing time and there was noone who knew anything (at least about water tanks) working in the appliance department. So I picked out a tank all by myself. I picked one that was just a few dollars more than the installation fee because I could not bring myself to pay more to get something installed than I paid for the something...turns out, the posted installation fee did not include the $85 local permit - but I decided to settle...pride only goes so far when you are cheap and or broke.

Then I realized I only had enough credit on my consumer credit card to pay for the tank...uh oh...there is no way I can install this thing myself. So I begged...more credit please...

"...sure, we will double your credit and give you 12 months same as cash 'cuz we want you to keep shopping here and we can tell that you would totally screw up the install and then claim our product was bad....And we can deliver tomorrow morning...."

But I do not WANT you to deliver tomorrow morning. I have an all day training class at work that was originally scheduled for a day I took as vacation and I begged them to reschedule, so I NEED you to deliver it Friday, ok?

"Sure, Friday it is, we will call you to set up a time..."

Sure enough, Thursday morning, I am in class and I get an interrupting call from local home improvement's contracted plumber...

"I have your water tank and am ready to install it...it says here you can wait til Friday, but I can install today if you want - I can be there in a few mins..."

Well, ain't that nice, 'cuz I cannot be there today- I am in a class all day, remember? And I have plans with my daughter tonight, which is why I said I NEED, not WANT, you to deliver Friday.

"Well, if you're sure you do not want it today..."

I wanted it last night, and I want it today, but I CANNOT have everything I want, OK?

OK, so by the time I am out of class and been to another two hour meeting, I am ready to relax with CareBear and KB. I head down to Kent to pick them up and we head to the Akron Art Museum which is only open late on Thursdays, which is why I did not reschedule this event to get the water tank installed....in case you were wondering...but I digress....



Friday morning I am busy cleaning up the mess in the basement...damn, the water did not dry up on its own...oh, maybe because the tank is still leaking; seems I missed a valve...not that an inch of water covering the floor would have dried up on its own anyway...thank goodness my condo fees pay the water bill.


About 8:30 am I get a call from the contracted plumber, informing me that he will be there in a couple hours with my tank. He then proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about my current tank, like size, what kind of intake valve (apparently one that does not work too well), blah, blah, blah. To which I not so politely responded..."hell if I know, come and see for yourself; if I knew all that stuff, I could probably install it myself, probably being the key word there...."


So two hours and a fairly dry basement later, the plumber makes his entrance. He tells me I can just stay out of the way - he will handle things (since I know nothing anyway). He does tell me that I need some additional hardware (a.k.a. a new valve) that will cost me a slight (-ly phenomenal) fee.

As I watch from afar, he takes out the old tank, brings in some hoses, pipes, misc hardware, and finally, the new tank. About 90 minutes into the the job, I hear "oh, shit" coming from the basement. And then I notice that my computer has switched to battery back up - as has the cable box and all the clocks. Well, ok, I exaggerate, the clocks would have swicthed had I installed the 9-V battery, but those things are expensive. Besides, my phone has an alarm...

Plumber man (who by the way does not have the usual plumber crack showing - actually he is a decent looking plumber, but I digress, again) non-chalantly comes upstatirs and tells me...

I am finished with the install and it went well. I just need you to sign a couple of things and I will be on my way. By the way, do you have another main fuse box around here somewhere because you may need to flip the breaker to get your power back..."

Say what? You are going to just leave after you knocked out my power?

Well, I did everything right and I cannot help it that when I turned the hot water tank on your power went out. I am not an electrician. But you probably should call one...

Ah - why don't you call one?

Because that is not part of my job...Call the store that I contract for and they will tell you what to do....

Ah...why don't you call the store?

"OK...can I use your phone?...Yeah, I am at the customer and blah, blah, blah, yeah that's what I told her....You need to call an electrician. We don't do that stuff...."

Well, I called the electric company instead and reported a power outage...funny, I was the only one in the area with an outage....

And now I know that there is a main breaker box on the outside of my condo....right in plain sight of any worthy plumber....

Yeah, I'm a girl and I know nothing (unlike most girls)...that is why I hire professionals...or try to anyway...

Last Week in Review

I thought last week was pretty busy, till this week showed up....

Monday I got a text from G-man around noon informing me that he got a letter of invitation to visit the University of Buffalo in a couple of weeks - that makes two D1 colleges showing some interest in his football skills - is there a way to fudge the GPA?

Tuesday I worked from home during the day and then met some Team Moms at the local Irish Pub to plan for feeding the football team (yeah, drinking helps plan for the feeding) during doubles and after pre-game practices this fall. Any food or monetary donations will be graciously accepted...these boys can eat.

Wednesday, I was all settled in to relax a little after work, when for some odd reason I thought I should check on laundry (maybe because G-man was whining about running low on compression shorts). So I head to the basement laundry room, not really watching where I was going, and stepped in a huge puddle of water - only it wasn't just a puddle. I had an inch of water covering most of the basement floor. OSTWTW was my first thought. That's "Oh shit The Water Tank Went" in case you were wondering how I think. And right I was - as usual. And that adventure is a post in itself...coming soon to a blog near you...

Thursday I was in a training class at work till 1:30 PM and then off to a two hour meeting - long, boring day....But I headed out of that meeting, barely stopping ta my desk to collect my jacket and out the door I was. I had plans with Carrie and her boyfriend to hit up the Akron Art Museum and have dinner. That was a fun and interesting evening...details coming soon to a blog near you...

Friday I worked from home again to experience the final saga in the OSTWTW adventure...yeah, details coming soon to a blog near you...

So yeah, this post was just to let you know I had a busy week last week and lots to blog about, but not enough time to blog all about it yet....

Reaping the rewards...

Volunteering has its rewards...
...if you know when to volunteer and for what..

Last summer I believe I wrote about how volunteering to work Bingo got me a great parking space at the high school home football games...Just the other day, someone mentioned that they had not seen me at Bingo for awhile. Hey, I got what I needed from bingo - time to move on...(just kidding, BoosterMan, if perchance you are reading - I need that space for one more year).

I helped at the Prom fashion Show one night last week- telling the guys how good they looked and yes their tie was straight - and you can be as funny and flirtatious as you want as long as you are not obscene....

And while I am backstage, the event coordinator is announcing the winners of the various vendor raffles. I had had a plan...and it worked!

You see, my son will be a senior in the fall; that means pictures and parties and...

So I put my raffle tickets on the photographer and catering items (and a lil jewelry cuz a Mom has to look good next to her ham of a son).

And it was my lucky night...

I spent $25:

$5 to get in and get chance at door prizes (nada)

$5 on 50/50 raffle which was worth $170 but I did not win that either

$10 on vendor raffle tickets

$5 on bottles of water (donation) - of which I drank three (hey, someone told me it was spiked, but I am pretty sure they knew nothing)

It was a profitable night because I won!!!

A Lia Sophia bracelet valued at - I couldn't tell ya because, silly me, I thought I only had to check what was in the bag at the drive-thru lane of fast food joints...yeah, there was an empty box in there...but I have connections and I will get my just desserts.



A $100 gift certificate for a catered dinner:)



A $75 certificate for a photographer. now, I hate to be an ungracious winner, but I will not be using that certificate; the vendor rep was definitely a salesman - maybe even a perv; he had to give me a sales pitch before he would give me the gift certificate. What do ya think that $75 dollars would cost me?



The best for last...A gift certificate for a free sitting, one 8 x 10 and two 5 x 7 prints from another photographer - whose parents I know and who needs help with her website; I figure I may get senior photos taken care of - between the certificate and a little bartering of my hidden talents:)

All and all it was a good night. And I was still up way past midnight because I was so excited (or maybe that was the jet-fuel supplement G-Man has talked me into trying for a few weeks...).

Next I am working on college scholarships...

Good News for the Guys...

While stumbling, I came upon this useful (for my male reader, anyway) piece of information....
Ok, ladies...time for our own study; any volunteers?

Peyton PHlace Antics....

So we have a geese problem at Peyton PHlace - or we did have...

As you know it is illegal to mess with the geese - no matter how many times they chase you across the parking lot nipping at your legs or other more private parts...

I arrived at work a few mornings ago, half asleep as usual, and noticed what appeared to be a rabid coyote on the lawn next to the building.

Oh great...as if the geese weren't bad enough...

I slowly, and as quietly as possible, opened my car door, ready to make a run for it...

That coyote was deaf...and blind...and lazy...and stiff...

I still have not discovered who was behind that piece of genius, but my hat off to him (or her)...
the geese were around...with a circumference of about a quarter of a mile...

What ya know...even big bad geese are afraid of rabid coyotes....

The writer in me can relate...

As you may know, my day job is coordinating localization of Peyton PHlaCe products (or some of them, anyway).

Before that, I wrote user manuals - yes, for Peyton PHlaCe and quite a few other electronics companies before that...

Sooo...

...what part of quiet do you not understand?

Spanking is not the right way...

I used to get a lot of flack for my parenting techniques. I was told over and over that it is not right to spank my kids, so I tried other methods to control them when they had one of 'those moments.'


The method that I found most effective (next to spanking) was for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPod, etc.



Either way, my kids usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helped a lot too.



I've included a photo below of one of these carrides, in case you are thinking of trying this technique.


BTW, I have heard from others that it works well with grandkids, too. I do not have any of those yet...and for some strange reason my kids are talking of moving out of state when they have kids...so I may never get the opportunity to try it with them...


Good luck...

Meebo sets me straight...

According to Meebo, Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba.

And here I called it that because I first heard about it from my ex's Grandma Melba who shared with me her family recipe for this really awesome toasted bread...

The kids do listen...

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

'Well', he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother: 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'

If this does not make sense...

...you are probably a lot younger than I am:)

More Phun at Peyton PHlaCe

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been trying to work from home one or two days a week. I get so much more done at home. And since many of my contacts are located in different time zones around the world, my day does not start and end during "normal" work hours.

And I do make myself available almost as if I were sitting at my desk in the office. I am available on company instant messaging and email. I leave my cell phone number on my instant message status. The only things I do not do are participate personally in meetings (I am available to call in if I feel the need) and I do not answer my desk phone. Of course, I am also not available for water cooler conversations....those I miss:)

So, why am I retelling you this? Because many of my colleagues who are stuck in the office occasionally show signs of bitterness when I am not physically within their sights or at least answering my phone. Sometimes I go in after a day at home and find I have three messages from the same person whose office may be on the other side of the building. The first message asks me to call them. The next message informs me why I need to call them and lets me know that they are waiting to hear back. By the third message, they are usually a little ticked off that I have not called them back. If there is a fourth message it is usually not repeatable...

Now I am available on instant messaging and everyone in the office has access to the instant messaging service. Again, my status clearly states that I am working and available from home and can be reached via email and cell (# provided) as well. But they do not call me on my cell...why should they? They called the office phone...They do not instant message me...why should they? They called my office phone...

So I have changed my voicemail greeting:

"...You have reached my voicemail (duh). If I do not respond to your call in a respectable amount of time, it is probably because I am out of the office on PTO or working from home (and probably did not get the call; I do not ignore you just to piss you off). The best way to reach me at anytime is to send an email or an instant message."

That approach has helped somewhat. Of course, there are always a few who still choose to believe that I am at home eating bon bons, watching soaps, shopping, partying, blogging (ooops), or whatever. Actually, I do have a basement full of elves that I make do all the actual work that get done when I work from home...and my laundry, toilet cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc, but that is a story for a different day (and I'd appreciate it if you could keep that between us).

And there are a few more who leave a voicemail that they will email me. They email asking me to call them. If they do not let me know why I should call them, chances are that I will answer my other higher priority emails before I call them (because by then I will get a second email telling me why I need to call them). And if I am in a meeting (via phone from home) and do not call back right away, I will probably get a third email copied to my boss and my boss's boss explaining that I am holding up company revenue and I really should get back to them. Which of course I do as soon as my meeting is ended because if have the power to hold up company revenue, I must be pretty important and I probably should act like it....

So now I am thinking that maybe I should have a response message on my email as well. I decided to try to find some ideas by doing what I do best...yeah, stumbling. Here are a few samples I came across that just might work for me:

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.


You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you would not have received anything at all.


Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.


I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.


Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


Hi, I'm thinking about what you just sent me. Please wait by your computer for my response.


I've run away to join a different circus.


I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Phillip instead of Phillipia.

I like the way this lady thinks...

If only more of our mothers' generation thought like this, the men of our generation would probably be easier to please...well, some of them anyway...

A New Mascot (Apologies to Uncle Sam)...

30 Harsh Things...

...a woman can say to a naked man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

I can honestly say that I have never been this harsh....

Today being the Feast of St. Joseph....

...and St. Joseph being the father of all fathers, surely would have sent his Son to a Catholic school, had there been Catholic schools when he was raising his Son...

Ok, I'll cut the crap....

I just like this cartoon, because I find it so true, from personal experience...well, almost - I am not now nor have I ever been anyone's son - just thought maybe that needed clarification....

A new stress relief plan....

I have been way over stressed lately - at work and at home.

At work there is just too much to do, too many people wanting it done - too many different ways and yesterday.

At home, I admit, it is my own fault. I try to do too much. Because there is soooo much I want to do.

But as I was stumbling for some work related info, I came across a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals (I wish I knew which specific journals so I could write them a letter of thanks...).

Anyway, try this 7-step stress reducer the next time you have having an especially frustrating day...it works...really...

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

It got me smiling...how about you?

Ipod Family

Probably more like great, great, grandfather, but still....

The Irish have a great philosophy...

In life, there are only two things to worry about...
Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about...
Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about...
Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends...
You won’t have time to worry!

Irish Diplomacy....

I am part Irish, thanks to my Mom, so I can celebrate today without feeling guilty...not that I would anyway; guilt is one thing I have had so much of throughout my Catholic upbringing, that I do not even feel it any more, but I digress....

And the Irish do know how to celebrate...from their morning coffee to their night cap...

And being Irish, I love to celebrate, not just on this special day, but anyday...for any reason.

One thing I did not get from my Irish roots is my sense of diplomacy The Irish seem to have that God-given ability to tell a man to go to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip. For that, I seem to lean toward the Italian in me. Yeah, if I want ya to go there, I pretty much do my best to help ya get there......

But on this day, let me leave you, my friends, with this Irish blessing...

Don’t walk in front of me,I may not follow.

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.

Walk beside me, and just be my friend.

Second thoughts...

I am blogging again so soon because a few seconds ago, as I was posting a comment on a friend's blog, I thought of a potentially good money making idea....

I wanted it to share it with you, but now I am having second thoughts...

I think I will keep it to myself or at least between myself and someone who can help me make it happen....

Call me quick, ldboy, before someone else thinks of it and has the brains to implement it ....or before I forget what it was....

Another reason to drink...

In health news reported today:

Alcohol May Keep Bones Strong

Beer, Wine Seem To Have More Benefit Than Liquor

I gotta tell ya, whoever decided to fund this research had the good of all of us hard working Americans in mind. I mean the last study my doctor made reference to on this subject indicated to her that I was an alcoholic because I felt the need for a couple glasses of wine and a shot of Jose each evening after a stressful day at the office. I tried to tell her it was purely medicinal....

Now I have proof. 100% proof...

"Researchers studied more than 2,700 people by finding out how much they drink and checking their bone density in the hips and spine.

Men who had one or two beers a day had bones that were about 4 percent more dense than men who did not drink. But bone strength dropped for men who had more than two drinks a day.

Women who had two or more glasses of wine or liquor a day had 5 to 8 percent denser bones than those who did not drink."

This is exciting news, especially for us gals.

It seems men should have exactly two beers a day - no more, no less - if they want a good backbone...

No we (girls), on the other hand, should drink at least two glasses of wine or liquor (Zin and Jose - a match made in heaven) a day to keep our bones in good shape. Yes, doc, purely medicinal...

I do have a couple or three questions, tho...

1. What if women drink beer instead of wine or liquor? Is liquor just quicker, or does beer not do it for the female bone structure?
2. And what if some of the guys prefer Jose or Jim Beam to Sam Adams? Well??? How are your bones, ldboy?
3. Could I be part of any future studies on the subject? I'll work cheap...

Who minds a dirty house?

A Great Weekend..almost...

It is Sunday and here I am trying not to dread Monday...

But thinking back, this has been a pretty good weekend...

Not perfect, mind you, cause I am missing a couple of friends...really bad, but, I digress...

The weekend was suppose to be different than it was. I had plans to go to the Kent games at MAC tournament with CareBear and KB; but Kent BBall team spoiled those plans on Thursday.

But we can handle it...time for plan B...a much more economical plan (for me anyway). It was also better because ldboy visited (since there was no BBall involved) and probably financed most of the night, if I know him. What a good brother (and son, of course).

So early Friday was great with kids coming in and out and me staying home - offering to be designated driver, but not getting to - and playing with my laptop....yay...

I love my laptop - you have probably heard that before. What a good son ldboy is to get me it last Christmas. What a bad Mom I am to close it with a pen in it this past November. What a good guy KB is to fix it for the cost of the screen....I will be more careful, I promise.

All weekend I have been loving my laptop...

I took a little break today to hit up Bally's, Heinens, Sunny D...

Now I am back...with a Little King in hand...(thanks CareBear and KB)...

And as I am cleaning up my Mozilla bookmarks, I find a link to a page with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs; but the lyrics are not quite the way I remember them....

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I’d spent o’ so many nights
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you’ve brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
have known there was no Anaconda
lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don’t you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4,
Weren’t you a jerk to think I wouldn’t notice it pop out, Don’t you
know we’re only joking when we say size doesn’t count?

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I’m saving all my lovin’
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a dick that small
I was treating nappy rash.
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn’t have you waving that
wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don’t you bring me home no little worm,
I’ll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a
dick as small as that,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
And then feed it to the cat!

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. .hey, hey!

Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I’m going back to my appliance,
Cuz I know its length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin’ at my door, You’ll be
counting your 4 inches as you pick them off the floor.

Go on now Go!

Today's Lesson...

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

Who said that?

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians.'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

At that the teacher fainted.

Peyton PHlaCe policies explained...

The following is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.

Eight monkeys are put in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies' policies get established.

They're coming to take me away...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Thanks lil' brother...but I'm not going:)

TGIF...

It has been a fairly good Friday, even tho' it is the 13th....

I got to work at a fairly decent hour and I got quite a bit done while I was there...

The kids came to visit tonight and have just left for some barhopping downtown...

I have designated myself as their return chauffeur, otherwise I would be with them doing things I should not...

I am here with Taz and Cady, dog and cat-sitting, trying to keep them in separate rooms to avoid any hassles....

And I am blogging and chatting and stumbling on my couch with FireFox because, oh yay, KB has replaced my laptop screen, and with a much nicer one than the original....

I am in heaven....

Yes I am a computer nut (not nerd, because that would mean I actually know what I am doing)....

Thank you KB!!!!

Thanks to Meebo...

...I will have a better chance at winning the next time I play Trivial Pursuit with CareBear and friends...

I now know that the world's 14 deadliest snakes can all be found in Australia.

Hmmm, still worth being near all those hot guys and their sexy accents...

Hey mate?

An Irish Blonde....

...from Cork, Ireland arrived at the local casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

What have we learned....

Not all Irish are drunks..
Not all blondes are dumb, but...
All men...are men

.

Who needs Gel?

So I opened my favorite online news page a little bit ago and this was the headline:

Gel Could Help Get Women's Sex Drive Out Of Park

Hmmm, where should I start...or maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead...

"Frustration is high among researchers and pharmaceutical companies anxious to bring relief to women with low sex drive."

I just bet the frustration among the women is probably a lot higher than yours, Mr. researcher.

The new product is a

"...testosterone gel, specifically dosed for women and post menopausal women, let me be clear about that, for women with low desire..."

What about those (not speaking personally here) with lots of desire, but maybe it just is not happening as often as we like...I mean, come on, if there is low desire, why bother - if ya don't want to, don't. But for the rest of us, bring it on...

Or bring him on; who needs a gel? I think (ok, I know) a hot guy would get me wanting...in fact thinking about him has me wanting...take me out of the park, now!

Ok, I should have stopped long ago...but I didn't. Father, forgive me....

Weekend Plans...

I do have some goals this weekend...

Get lots of rest....
Get rid of the damn cold/flu bug that does not want to
let go...
Catch up on lots of things I am behind on...

Which brings us to another list...

Update Rebel Mom's Web with after prom, fashion show, and scholarship info...
Update Rebel Football Web with countdown clock, junior and sophomore profiles, off season schedules, season schedule...
Housework: Laundry, Dishes, Dusting...
Grocery Shopping...
Budgeting (aka...shifting money I do not have to pay bills I cannot afford)...
Helping G-man put a recruiting plan in place...

All of this tomorrow, because Sunday morning I am headed to Kent to watch a Track and Field meet (run, G-man, run).

Maybe I will make it to Bally's too..

Maybe I will just concentrate on resting and getting well and forgetting the rest (of the chores, that is)...

But I do need to hit up the library soon - I am out of books to read while I am resting and getting well:(

IMPORTANT Public Service Announcement!!!

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Immediately forward this medical alert to at least five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Thanks to JenB for this submission...

F*** my life...

So G-man told me about a website he thought I might enjoy. He was right; I did enjoy browsing enough to want to share with my readers...

http://www.fmylife.com/

However, as I was reading, I came across an entry that I hoped CareBear had not submitted, true as it was:(

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend.FML.

Gracious Sarah....

I do not understand how politicians can kiss and make-up after such bitter election campaigns.

For example, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has invited Barack Obama and Joe Biden to visit her great state. She has set up a moose hunting trip during their visit. To ensure they get the most out of the hunt, she has hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt...

Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening...

Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield...

Thanks to my brother for this submission...

If Abbott and Costello were alive today....

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou .
Abbott:Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou .
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something ?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office..
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
Costello: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with yourcomputer.
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later....

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on 'START'.............

Thanks Coach Rick for this submission...

Greetings from Wal-Mart

After my Dad retired, my Mom insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Like most men, Dad found shopping boring; unfortunately for him, Mom loved to browse, leaving Dad on his own.
Last week, Mom got a letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. S,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior any longer and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. S are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Mr S. took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Mr S. set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
July 7: Mr S. made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Mr S. walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
August 4: Mr S. went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
August 14: Mr S. moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Mr S. set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him. Mr S. began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
September 4: Mr S. looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, Mr S. asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Mr S. darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, Mr S. practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Mr S. hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, Mr. S. assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least, on October 23: Mr S. went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Ok, Mr. S. is not my dad....really...

Further Adventures of Phat Phil...

When last we left Phat Phil, he had just accepted a new position as route supervisor for Greener Side News (GSN).

As Phil soon learned, there is a lot that goes on inside an office that he did not have privy to while walking (or running) his route for his former employer....

For example...
Office construction (and reconstruction) never ends. It is almost as if the cubicles were made of Lego's. Except that the cubicle pieces are not reusable. But, the constant re(construction) does help Phil understand why there were no merit increases this year.

Although Phil has been lucky enough to have the same office space since he started his current position, he is thinking it may be time for a change. Why? Because Phil's office space seems to be the proverbial water cooler. He is having a tough time working through the constant barage of impromptu meetings in and around his cubicle. Phil has tried a proactive approach, including posting "No Loitering" signs and letting loose the occasional blast of "Fart in a Can." The "No Loitering" signs have become objects of grafitti abuse; the blasts of "Fart in a Can" are laughingly blamed on neighbor KenBo.

Phil has considered reserving a conference room for the impromptu meetings...however, as he soon realized, there are not enough conference rooms in the building for the meetings that are scheduled. There are some open areas that would make do for conference rooms, but they are being re-constructed as visitor lounges with couches and lamps and other amenities in hopes of luring new customers.

There is the possibility of working from home a couple days a week to avoid the office chatter, however, GSN has not yet master the finer points of telecommuting, such as a reliable VPN connection. So working at home is an option only when Phil does not need to access the GSN intranet and network drives.

Being in the offices does have its advantages. It makes possible attendance at Quarterly Town Hall Meetings at which GSN's CEO presents the State of the Business. Everone grab your bingo card, because there is sure to be an onslaught of key words and phrases...synergy, ROFO, EBITA, employee engagement, satisfaction, margin, profitabilty, results, share, customer delight, emerging markets, downsizing, outsourcing, bottom line....BINGO in the back...

Phil and the hundred or so coworkers seated around him are always amazed that the employee engagement survey shows increased employee satisfaction quarter after quarter. They must have sent their responses to the wrong email address....again. Damn....

Someecards of the season...

There's always the stimulus....

The Stimulus Plan Explained...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Thanks to my smartest younger brother for this submission...

Survivor, Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texans have decided to produce one featuring their state.
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'mGay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Thanks to my best looking younger brother for this submission.

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally they wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted. The man leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Saying Goodbye to Mother....

My date and I were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. Not wanting to drive, we decide to take a taxi from his house. As we are waiting for the taxi, he turns on a night light, covers his pet parakeet, and puts the cat in the backyard. When the taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave, the cat scooted back inside. We did not want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. So I go out to the taxi, while my date goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with him in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, I do not want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So I explain to the driver that my date will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to his mother."

A few minutes later, my date gets into the cab looking a bit frazzled. 'Sorry I took so long,' he says, as we drive away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

My two favorite words:)

At this time in my life, my two favorite words are "awesome" and "ok?"

By favorite I mean that I use them so much and in so many different contexts that I literally drive those close to me crazy...

I really am trying to slow down on their usage, because I do not want to drive anyone crazy or away:)

My driving skills leave much to be desired...but that is a different story...

The Weekend Continued..

I headed out Friday morning with a couple of friends to spend some time in Columbus....

The last time I was in Columbus was 3 years ago with the Middle School State Track Meet. That was a fun time. It was literally the first time G-Man ran the 4x400 competitively. They needed a fourth runner, so he stepped up and together they broke the Willoughby Middle School record. It was a good end to an exhausting meet....

This time I was in Columbus for a different kind of fun...oh yeah...

We took a bus downtown Friday evening, shared some awesome chili cheese fries and a reuben at Bailey's and from there visited a number of interesting places...

The Char Bar, mostly because of the great ambiance and the great staff...

"So where are you from? ....Willoughby?...You have a son at South? Does he know...? "

Time to make a call, cuz the bartender happens to be the brother-in-law of one of my best friends. We live in the same development - pretty much across the street from each other....Our kids have grown up together. What a small world. So this is where they go in Columbus....

When I mention the incident to G-man, he says, yeah I know...she called me and says guess where your Mom is...

But what brought us to Char Bar in the first place was the martini bar next door. As you may have guessed, I (and hence my friends) are not exactly martini bar types; but martini bars have valet service. And the valets at this particular place are unique. These guys actually jump over a 20-ft wall to get to the parking lot where they have earlier parked their clients' cars. We took video, because it was an awesome site to behold...as soon as the video is posted I will share the link...

Next stop (that I remember) was Havana. I have never been in such a place. Yes, I am old, but I just never have. What an experience. I almost lost my date. It was a tug of war... Phillipia won...she still has her ruler from her Sister Mary years:)

We spent most of Saturday being lazy (aka recuperating from Friday).

The Money Man

This weekend started Thursday night for me. CareBear and Ames' Mom (JS) and I went to see Eddie Money at the House of Blues. We had a great time. A show and a show...we were in the general admission area near another group of ladies who were really enjoying their night out.

JS and I got a little closer to the stage than CareBear wanted (yeah Eddie Money is old and probably did not need to be lifting his shirt up, but hey). So as we are jumping around acting younger than we are, I almost fell over a lost boot heel on the floor. A souvenir - and its free...If I was a guy, it may have been sort of a glass slipper...

I am not a guy...as you know...but there were a couple of guys near us trying to hit on the group of ladies with hat girl (long story) who were really enjoying their night out as girls with girls if you get my drift. And then we realized that one of the girl's was missing a heel...she was trying to stand on one foot to check out her boot and the guy who was holding her up, checking her out checking him and her boot out....After they pulled themselves apart, I took my souvenir boot heel over to the guy who looked like he would know what to do with it...Phillipia to the rescue....I thought it might be good for a drink...instead it got me a reaaalllly friendly hug and almost too intimate kiss from the thankful one-heeled lady....it got him a lot of one-on-one dance time with hat girl which kept us on our toes because hat girl looked like she was going to lose her liquid dinner at any second and with the speed they were twirling at...yeah, simple physics gives ya the right picture......bless us Father, for she is wasted...

CareBear refused to stay after the show so I could get an autogtraphed t-shirt...

....take me home, tonight...